So I lied. This chapter isn't that eventful either. Actually, it's just dialogue. I don't want to promise action for the next chapter either but…expect a bit more from the next one anyway. (Or don't? What do I know?)
And. Uh. Sorry for the wall of text. It's pretty long this time.
Chapter Eleven
Memory Lane Is a Road With Many Bumps
X
The city had a great ability to look grey and rough at times, and this was one of those nights. But it was a strange sort of rough, one in which the grey colors actually blended into a calm palette of shades. The streets were busy as always and people never seemed to cease streaming over the cement. Among the crowd two sportsmen were walking, hiding behind thick coats and scarves and hats that were a bit too much even for the harsh evening cold.
The air was a bit damp, but it had the unmistakeable smell of oncoming winter. It smelled a bit like ice and fire smoke, which felt refreshing in their lungs. Finally the wetness of the dying autumn was starting to crawl away to leave room for the next season's frolicsome chill and antics. So far the evening had been pretty uneventful, which was nice for a change.
To his surprise Rei woke up without knowing when he'd fallen asleep. He'd let Boris be, as he wasn't sure if the man was too hot on following him to the AA. There had been no more incdents of vomiting but he reckoned the Russian needed all the rest he could get. He never seemed to get enough of it anyway.
So Rei got up, took a shower and tried to ignore the disgusting smell originating from the toilet. He'd cleaned it two times, but would have to do it again later when he had the time. There was just something about stomach contents that always seemed intent on lingering. But putting that aside, he was soon dressed and spent the next thirty minutes trying to get his hair dry.
When the hair dryer had given up and started spitting sparks in protest, the Chinese decided that perhaps it needed its own rest. Putting his hair up in a ponytail he rummaged through the refrigerator, ate a quick sandwich and got ready to leave. Just about to start writing a note to Boris, said man stood dressed and tired in the hallway. Rei gave him a wondering look, but they said nothing as they locked up and left.
Even if it wasn't cold enough to wear the entire winter armour, they decided it was the best thing in case reporters were lurking around. Which they were bound to. But out on the streets they started to wonder if maybe they'd gone overkill. It did look a tad suspicious since most people around them had barely bothered to wear gloves.
So it was with increased paranoia and stealth they snuck through the streets. Perhaps it had been smarter, and definitely a lot faster, to take the bus but Rei didn't want to risk it. It just felt a bit too public, after all. What if someone spotted them? And the two of them being seen together? The newspapers would have a party with that information, most definitely.
God, it was too tiring. This was the exact thing he had wanted to avoid when he quit his career and disappeared into anonymity. It had been a great thing, actually. Wandering about and minding his own business without having to worry about some photographer jumping at him from some bushes. Insane, the lot of it. How could this harassment even be legal?
Had a regular Joe been photographed against his knowledge and will the person responsible would get a hell of a lawsuit on him. But if it was a celebrity, society seemed to think they had to suit themselves. If you're famous, of course people would want to know about your every move. It was something you just had to deal with and stop whining because if it was so irritating, then why didn't you pursue a normal career from the beginning? He guessed there was some sort of point to it, but it made him slightly sick all the same. He hadn't even chosen to be the most popular subject of conversation. He found a sport he enjoyed and he was good at it. Then people decided he was a celebrity and thus had the right to stalk him.
Where was the justice in that?
But despite that the trip to the AA went by harmlessly. He and Boris hadn't shared many words. They'd mostly discussed random mundane things like snow and eventually the weather differences between Russia and China. It was a normal and seemingly not very interesting conversation, but it was nice. He couldn't remember the last time they just walked like regular people and spoke about nothing special at all. The last time they just were. Nothing expected and in turn nothing failed.
At one point he asked, a bit hesitantly, why Boris has decided to come with him. The man just grunted and shrugged, saying that he thought Rei might like some company. And, well, he did, so he said nothing more of it. In just twenty minutes, they'd reached their goal.
A nice and welcoming warmth embraced them when they entered the building. The smell of cheap watery coffee and stale biscuits met them, mingled with light chatter and soft conversation. It seemed that the early Christmas spirit had reached even these people, and the oppressing lid of misery was lighter tonight.
Or perhaps things had just started to look up for them. He didn't know but guessed it wasn't for him to pry, and left it at that. It took only a minute for James to spot them and hunt them down. Apparently the man must have been anxiously awaiting him. When he approached them a look of pleasant surprise flashed through his eyes as he smiled at Boris.
''Hello'' he said, now turning towards Rei. ''Was it hard to get here?''
Most probably he was talking about the press, and almost looked a bit relieved when Rei shook his head.
''It was fine. I'm not late, am I?''
He looked around worriedly for a watch, but James just put a hand on his shoulder and ushered him through the room.
''Not at all! Actually you're early.''
He lead him towards the circle of chairs, placing him in the only thing close to resembling a middle. The chairs were larger in numbers tonight, which for some reason made Rei feel a bit uneasy. It wasn't that he got nervous about talking, though. After all he'd made a living out of it and normally, when he wasn't the object of a witch hunt, he'd hold four or five seminars a week.
What amazed him was how many people in London could actually be interested about what he had to say, but his boss said it was normal for that sort of subject. Apparently there was this one man who held seminars about incest, and he could get to hold up to six or ten per week. Which was in itself a very depressing and disturbing piece of information.
So, no, Rei wasn't nervous about talking anymore. Actually it had started to feel better every time he did. He got to get a few things off his chest that had bothered him for years, and at the same time he got the feeling of being useful. That maybe his little story could help someone. It wasn't much, but it made the weight a bit easier to carry.
Tonight though, he was nervous because this was the first time Boris would hear the things he had to say. Yes, the Russian knew about his father and mother and the years of abuse and alcoholism. But that was just the surface, the summary of an even bigger and more intricate story. After two years there were still details Boris didn't know of.
''Okay, people! It's time to start. Get your coffee and things and take a seat!''
The chatter died down a little as James, much like a shepherd, gathered the people to the circle. One after one they sat down, looking sceptically and some expectantly at Rei as they took their seats. Boris stood in the background for a moment just watching them, but eventually even he moved. Very begrudgingly and with a lot of baleful glares thrown around him, he sat down on the side opposite of Rei.
James was smiling brightly – a bit too brightly, Rei thought – as he gave them all a nod.
''Good evening'' he said and the Chinese wondered how he could be in such high spirits over this, it was just a seminar.
''Good evening'' the group answered in varying levels of enthusiasm.
''I promised you that someone would come this week and speak to you.''
He turned a bit so that Rei was more visible, and immeadiately all eyes were drawn to him. Rei wanted to shrink under this awkward attention, but stopped himself.
''You remember Rei, don't you?''
''Hello, Rei'' the groups chorus of voices came and it was starting to sound a bit creepy now.
The Chinese smiled weakly and gave a sheepish little wave.
''Hi''
''And'' but James carried on, either not noticing or not just caring. ''for those of you who don't, Rei came here a while ago to act as support for someone in the group. Nice to see you here, Boris.''
The people who knew who he was only dared to steal glances at the Russian, but the new faces looked curiously at him. His murder glare intensified, and a second later all heads had quickly snapped away to look at Rei again. Shivers ran down spines and Boris growled. This had probably been a stupid idea. But he was here now, and he actually wanted to see what Rei was going to say.
He hadn't ever asked anything about the other's life because he hadn't cared that much. But now he was actually getting a bit curious. And besides, he had some business to do. Might as well kill one bird with two stones, so to speak.
''So, Rei, would you like to start?''
No, he didn't. But he nodded anyway, looking lost as he wondered if he was supposed to stand up or not. When James sat down and nodded – almost as if he'd read his mind – Rei decided to rise. He cleared his throat and let his eyes sweep over the group. He recognized some fuzzy, black haired man from before, as well as that blonde guy who'd gotten his nose broken by Boris. The nose didn't look too straight now, for the record.
He'd half expected her to be there, but seeing her face being absent he wasn't sure whether to be glad or not. He still felt bitter whenever her face came to his mind. That strangling, tar like feeling squeezing around his chest. The heavy sting of jealousy, anger, blame and confusion but at the same time, the question if he really could still blame her.
Grudges were draining to keep too long, and after all she had tried to make amends. But still, she knew Boris was taken and Rei couldn't believe how someone could ever do such a thing to someone else. He wanted to hate her for what she did, but at the same time he wanted to give her credit for having the guts to take responsibility for it. But he reckoned it was probably best not to have her there, as things would just get complicated.
Knowing he'd been stalling long enough, he drew a deep breath and fixed his eyes on a spot on the far wall. It was a trick Hilary taught him once. She said people performing on stage used it in order to look like they had eye-contact with everyone in the audience, without having to grow a pair of extra eyes.
''Hi, my name is – as you've already been told – Rei.''
He half expected them to give the famous answer, but instead they all stayed quiet. Fixing him with their eyes and he couldn't shake the feeling that they were analyzing him.
''James asked me to come here and speak to you, about my life and past experiences and... Well. I guess I should start at the beginning. Wherever that is.''
Boris shifted a bit, never letting the Chinese go with his eyes. For a moment Rei looked extremely uncomfortable, but as soon as he'd begun talking that look on his face started to diminish until what was left was the same determined, almost overly confident boy that he'd met so many years ago.
It was a glimpse of the teenage Rei Kon who'd been the fear and awe of Beybladers world wide. And it sent a shiver of excitement through Boris. A shiver that woke a hunger he didn't know he was carrying. The cocky glimmer in the Tiger's eyes – it intrigued him.
''Things like these are hard to tell when or even how they begun. It's just something that sneaks up on you, gradually until the moment that when you notice it, it's too late.''
He took a deep, readying breath.
''I was raised in a small village by my mother. I grew up as the son of my alcoholic and also later abusive father and it's hard even for me to tell if things could have been different.''
James had him steadily locked under his gaze. Undoubtedly he must have heard hundreds of these stories in his life, and Rei wasn't sure what was so special about his but decided not to think too much about it and instead just focusing on delivering.
''I don't blame the alcohol for the things my father did, but rather I blame my father for drinking it in the first place. Perhaps he would have been a different person if not for the alcohol, or perhaps he'd always been like that and the addiction was what he needed to bring it out.
I didn't realize as a child what was really going on. My mom would sit up at nights, crying because she said she'd fallen and hurt herself. And I comforted her and said it'd be better in the morning, and that was that. My father would pass out on the couch because, my mother told me, he was tired after a long day of hard work. It wasn't until years later that I realized that the bruises on my mother's face was from my father's fist, and the reason he passed out was because he'd been too drunk to even get to work.''
Boris leaned back in the chair, taking in every word but with a face that made him look disinterested – almost lost in thought.
''I remember that the first time he'd hit me, I was at a complete loss as of what to think. At first I was angry at him for doing such a thing, but then I was angry at myself.
What did I do to deserve this? Had I been a bad son? What was it that I did wrong? How could I make up for it, and how could I get my father to forgive me? Eventually, this kind of thinking led me to start blaming myself, thinking I deserved it. If I dropped a plate so it broke, it was natural that he'd knock my teeth out. If I was late for dinner, of course he was allowed to split my lip. I didn't do too well in school? Well, I was a disgrace to my father who only wanted me to be good enough to have his name, I deserved the beating. After all I'd misbehaved and brought shame to our family. What would the elders think of my father if I, his flesh and blood and legacy, couldn't do anything right? It got so far as to him breaking my ribs and actually rupturing my lung for me to start realizing something wasn't right.''
It felt intrusive to hear this. Things he never thought much about before and therefore never got to know, never had the urge to know, told to them as freely as the dinner specials. Boris wasn't sure if he wanted to know this, or what to do with all the information. If it'd been his old self, he probably would have had a blast knowing this and surely it would have amused him for years on end. But it wasn't, and it didn't.
''I don't know how I managed to keep this from my friends.'' Rei continued, looking neither sad nor happy. ''Lee and I were like brothers, and I looked after his sister as if she was my own. We spent every free hour we had together, just exploring the forests and helping out in the village and there was nothing we didn't know about each other. I trusted them with my life and in turn they did the same. Looking back now I can't believe I survived with that secret weighing on my chest. At some days it was close to killing me, and yet I got through.''
He paused for a moment, just letting his eyes wander through the room. Some were listening intently, with that recognizing look in their eyes. Others were counting cracks in the ceiling, and some looked touched and enlightened. He'd seen it all before, yet it was a different experience every time to see just how his story could – and could not – affect total strangers.
''I don't know why my mother stayed with him, actually. I suppose it was our tradition, that it was a great shame to divorce and, after all, it was her duty to take care of him. She had sworn to love him until death, and she was intent on doing just that. Trusting and believing the countless promises of change. That he'd redeem himself and this time was the last time. But it was always the last time.
She was ashamed to speak about it too, I believe. A woman not being able to take care of her family is a great disgrace, and she tried her hardest to keep us from falling apart. But she couldn't, and one day when my father broke my arm because I had forgotten to clean the sink, she tried to leave him. We didn't get too far, though. He found us at my grandparent's house and dragged us home, and I guess I must've blocked out whatever he told her that night because after that, my mother was never the same.''
He paused thoughtfully, looking into nothing as he remembered things he never grew used to knowing.
''She trembled all the time, looking pale and constantly jumping at every unexpected sound. It had gone so far as for her fearing her own life, and at this point I detested my father so much I did all I could to take his wrath. When he came home I got purposely in his way, I did everything I could to make sure that he'd take out his aggressions on me. Because, if he beat me enough perhaps he wouldn't feel the need to attack my mother.''
Rei gave out a dry sound, something intended to be an ironic laugh but that failed to fully grow.
''That wasn't a good plan, I know that now. It only led to more heartache and the guilt my mother felt was eating at her. When I was eleven my mother passed away in cancer. I still can't help but think I'm partially responsible for that.''
He clenched his jaws, thinking it should be easier to retell the story after a couple of hundred times. He wasn't surprised though that it didn't. The guilt and the pain and the remorse was still fresh in his mind, albeit duller after the rough course of time.
''Maybe if I'd done something, gotten her out of there, away from him, she'd be alive now. Maybe if I noticed it sooner, I could have stopped all of this from happening. Maybe, if I'd been a better son... she wouldn't have had to suffer like she did.''
Rei closed his eyes and the people in the room weren't drawing a breath. Boris' brow had furrowed through all of this. A slow wrath had started to crawl through him, a wrath that made him glad he'd beaten that son of a bitch who was Rei's father, as bad as he did back then. A wrath that made him disappointed he hadn't been able to do something worse.
''When my mother died I was lost. I know it all sounds cliché but... maybe there's a reason for that. I had lost the only one who knew the secret and I had loved my mother dearly. With her gone I was an empty vessel, and I stopped caring about whatever my father did.
He started drinking even more. Our house fell apart because no one even bothered to keep up appearances anymore. I tried to, but when I'd reached twelve I just couldn't care anymore. It wasn't worth it.
He lost his job and this was, naturally, my fault. That night he beat me so badly I knew I had to get to a hospital.''
Rei had started speaking faster now, almost as if counting off the number of shoes he had. Needing to get through this part quickly, before it dragged out old emotions from the dusty corners of his head.
''I didn't know where else to go, so I somehow managed to get myself to Lee's house. I admit that's not the way you want to find out your best friend's darkest secret, and even now I feel cruel doing that to him.
After that things were tense between us. I was angry and bitter. Lee tried to speak to me about it, but because of our village's traditions and the ever going drive for honour, not much was said. We acted as if nothing had happened, but at the same time Lee tried his best to look after me in secret.
I'd be over at his house more often, helping out and just getting my mind on other things. And that's how my interest for Beyblade grew. I'd played the sport before with the other village children, but it wasn't until now I gave it my undivided attention.''
The group all seemed to know what he was talking about. It wasn't many people that didn't recognize the sport, still not many of them were that into it. Just three people started to look like realization hit them, but to the rest the fact that they'd had a famous sports star among them all this time went by unnoticed.
''It was the only thing keeping me from thinking about everything. I know it was stupid of me to keep it all bottled up, as it was going to break me down one day. But I didn't know how to deal with it, and most certainly I was afraid to.
So I bladed. I bladed and bladed and channelled my fears and my anger into it, with all I had. When I was fourteen I was finally good enough to dare join a tournament. After that my life changed. I was recruited by the BBA to join a team, and the years that followed I was... close to being happy. I gained new friends, I was away from home and I felt like I could leave my old life behind me.''
A small smile had started spreading, shyly, across his lips. But it died just as slowly as he resumed the tale.
''But that was stupid of me to believe. It was haunting me in the nights, in the shadow of days, constantly gnawing in the back of my mind. It was eating me from the inside out, and eventually I got enough of everything. I quit the sport, moved to Hong Kong and had one of many mental break downs.''
For the most fleeting of seconds he looked up to meet Boris' eyes. But it was broken before the Russian even had time to catch the emotions in Rei's eyes.
''After I tried killing myself and failed for the third time in one month – at this time in life I was nineteen – I went to a shrink. It took a lot of persuasion from the hospital staff and also a great deal of crying from my friend Mariah, and I felt that... I didn't want to let that bastard ruin my life. I just couldn't give him that victory.
So I tried. I tried, gave up, failed, tried again. I've been on and off on antidepressants the next following years, popping them like candy and been to the hospital immeasurable times. Eventually my shrink saw that I was not getting better. In fact, it was only getting worse. So she sent me here to London, where I was to join the PUSH-sessions. It... didn't quite work out. But I stayed here and... things started looking up. Eventually.''
A splinter of pride crept into his voice at this point, a pride that made Boris' skin crawl.
''It took me a lot of pain and a lot of failures. I no longer take antidepressants and I've managed to stay suicide free for years. Well, there was one slip this previous year because... of... other complications.''
Boris seemed to give him a look at this. Rei wasn't certain at first if he should talk about his time with Boris or not, but that special glint in the Russian's eyes seemed to say something. Not as much an okay as an urging, the order to get Rei to keep on talking.
''Through the PUSH-sessions I met Boris. I had met him years prior through Beyblade, and back then we were blood enemies. He hated my guts and I wasn't too happy about him either. But we started to grow accustomed to each other, and a series of unfortunate events that I – in hindsight actually am glad they occurred, because they made things what they later became – we turned into friends. Odd friends, yes, but friends.''
Rei sighed. He tried summoning the courage for a confession that was easier when it wasn't about someone in the audience. Courage he didn't really have.
''Eventually I... fell in love with him. And being the two screwed up people we are, being with Boris has brought its own fair share of heartache but also, I think it has helped me.''
He paused there, listening to the stone cold silence as the circle let their eyes dart between him and the Russian. A Russian who was for the moment, slightly stupefied.
''I'm... not going to tell you the story about Boris' alcoholism as it's own. That's a task for him alone if he ever chooses to share it. I'm here to tell you about what it's like to live with an alcoholic. What it's like to see them break and slowly wither away in front of you. I'm telling you about what it's like to see them struggle and fall and the absolute helplessness you feel while watching someone die.''
They were all looking at him now, knowing this regarded every last one of them. Waiting for the brutal truth to hit them where it hurt.
''You can't save an alcoholic. The only one who can get you back on track is you, and the only thing one can do as a bystander is make sure to stay there no matter what happens. That's all you can do. Offer words of encouragement when things are tough but also, you have to be tough to the addict as well. You can't let them get away with everything, but you can't do the hard parts for them. You can give them a place to stay and give them a glass of water when they throw up. You can tell them to fuck the hell off if they show up drunk and tell them the ugly truth. You can tell them you love them and you can listen whenever they need to speak, or if they need to shout and break things. Or just sit silently.''
Rei let a meaning look hit them all, one after another, putting extra emphasis on his next words.
''But you can't save them. They have to quit drinking, they have to stay sober, they have to work on their psychological issues and they have to do the job.
And it's hard having to watch that. Knowing you can't do shit. There are times when all I wanted to do was snap my fingers and make Boris all better. There were times when I wanted him to drop dead because he was such a god damn idiot. I made the mistake of thinking I could make him better. I brought him to hospitals and AA meetings and forced him to improve. But you can't help someone until they want to help themselves.
God, I even gave Boris a piece of my liver and even that's useless unless he's intent on not ruining that one too.''
The Russian clenched his jaws, frowning as this information seemed a bit too close to home. For the first time, it was as if Rei's words got through as they were originally meant to. Perhaps because this time, Rei was speaking more to the audience than just Boris himself. And you're always more honest about someone when not telling it to their face.
''It's not until he decides to stop drinking, to keep up on his meds or go to the meetings and get sober that things can happen.''
Rei wanted to look at him, but refrained. Instead he clasped his hands and studied the floor. It seemed awfully intent on slipping from underneath him, after all.
''Something like that can destroy a person. It's not just the addict who suffers. It's the people around them too, and I've been driven almost half insane by this. Leaving one life of alcoholism behind just to gain a new one. And I can't do anything about it because I'm not the one with the addiction.
Close ones can just sit there, offer support and wait. Just wait. I can't affect anything, no matter how much I want to.''
Boris didn't want to hear this. He really didn't. Still, he couldn't back out now like a coward.
''Despite all that, I don't regret meeting him again. I don't regret having him in my life no matter how many times I've sat with him at the hospital, or how many times I've had to carry him to bed. I'm not innocent in this either. I've been the cause of just as many problems and I'm not trying to say alcoholics can only blame themselves.
I couldn't save my father, I can't save Boris, but I can save myself. I can stay by his side and help him when he needs it, and I've just started to accept that.''
He looked at them again.
''So. That's it. That's all I had to say. I know it seems impossible, sometimes even useless. It's going to break you down, but maybe that's what makes you able to rebuild something on the remains. This is going to be hard. I'm not going to lie.''
Some people had turned their eyes away. Already having heard this a million times before. Others were taking it to them in a way they hadn't been able to before. James was looking immensely self satisfied, for some reason, and Boris... well, Rei didn't dare look at him just yet.
''Sure, you have to do this by yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to do it on your own.''
And suddenly, he smiles.
''Remember that and... Don't give up.''
There is a moment of deathly silence, before the group erupts in modest, hesitant claps. James smiling kindly at him, clapping the loudest of them all and as Rei sits down with shaky legs he draws a breath of relief.
He doesn't dare to look at Boris because he doesn't know what to expect. This is going to lead to a lot of questions, or perhaps none at all. He's afraid, but at the same time he's relieved. The burden on his shoulders is still there, but for the moment it feels just a little lighter.
''So'' James says when the room is quiet once again. ''Any questions?''
X
They decide to walk home. It's darker outside but the city life is not any smaller because of that. On the contrary, the people outside seem to have doubled and it's easier to blend in now. Rei's too tired to worry about the reporters, but instead worries about the man beside him. Boris hasn't said anything for the entire night, and this leaves a slightly tense silence.
After he'd spoken to the group, the questions he'd expected were immediately fired at him. He answered almost habitually, all too used to them by now it didn't take any time of consideration from his side. Somewhere between that and the coffee break Rei had excused himself to get to the bathroom. Not because he felt the need to pee or anything, but to recollect himself.
He wasn't sure just where this insane and unsuspected panic came from. Maybe he'd taken a step further into his and Boris' trust that he hadn't even considered taking before. Perhaps he'd shared just a tad bit too much information. But then a morbid laugh left him, as one other thing came to mind. If he could tell his secrets to strangers but not to his ex-whatever, what did that say about their relationship?
No. Rei decided he had to take it like a man and, if he was ever going to rebuild the trust Boris had so clumsily broken, he guessed he might as well start here. He didn't expect them to build anything on top of the ruins. Yes, he missed the Russian too much for his own sanity, but he wasn't as stupid and naive as to think things could ever be the same again.
In the same manner, he wasn't going to expect anything but rather let things go as they wanted to. If they one day could go back to the way they were, great. Good. He'd love that, more than anything. But right now he was going to focus on their friendship, and the rest was up to time.
It was hard to build up something like trust, and too easy to break it down. But Boris was trying, just slightly. It wasn't blatantly obvious, but still noticeable for someone who knew him. And it was the little things about the Russian that had always amazed him. Because after all, it was the little things that mattered in the end.
And if Boris was trying, even if it was with baby steps, he might as well join in. The voice of reason would argue that Rei had already tried too god damn much, and that he wasn't expected to do anything else. He should just sit back and let Boris do the hard work this time. But the voice of reason always lost against emotions. And Rei's emotions told him to shut up and try to put the pieces back together.
Besides, maybe this was a way for him to get to know more about his friend? Boris didn't share much. Actually, he rarely shared anything. Not that Rei really believed he would start just because he'd heard Rei's life story, but it could always open the window of opportunities. Whatever outcome it would have, Rei relaxed in the evening cold.
Boris, who had stayed quiet kept his eyes directed at the asphalt, but surprised Rei with suddenly breaking the silence.
''Why did you stay with your father?''
Rei looked at him with mild shock, before his face softened.
''Why did you stay at the Abbey?''
The Russian looked at him now with eyes placid and emotionless, face blank as the grey sky above them.
''I had nowhere else to go.''
''Well'' Rei turned his head back to the road with a sad little smile. ''There you have it.''
Boris turned his head away as well and the next minutes fleeted by without any conversation. Without a word they mutually changed direction, as if to make the walk home a bit longer and to keep this tranquil moment of normality as long as they could. Boris wasn't quite sure of what to feel about all of this.
All he knew was that he'd found out a lot tonight, and instead of making him bored because it didn't regard him or pissed because he hadn't gotten to know it sooner, he just felt curious. And to let the other ask questions in turn without snapping harshly or threatening with violence, felt quite nice for a change. Freaky, but nice.
It wasn't likely to become a regularly occurring event, and it certainly would never happen with someone else. But tonight it felt like they started to find their way back again. He just didn't care anymore if Rei knew too much or not. Because, really, pushing Rei away wasn't the way to go. He'd learned that the hard way and maybe, just maybe, he really wanted it to work out this time.
Because things just weren't the same with Rei gone. And yes, it was bitter to know one man had turned his life around by simply existing. Yes, it made him furious – not to mention surprised – that he actually wanted to do something that wasn't for himself. It made him feel disgusted and foreign in his own body. It made him feel insane and he really wanted to break something. He wanted to go back to the way things were before, with him being strong and alone and just minding his own business and without no one ever knowing anything personal about him.
And still, he didn't. Because it was nice with Rei there. It was good and sure, it was a bit strange but he'd grown accustomed to that and to be fair, his life sucked before. And maybe letting just one person in on your secret didn't make you weak. Maybe not being alone didn't mean you were inferior. Maybe it just meant you had someone to kill the time with.
He could still kick anyone's ass, no matter how much his life had changed the past two years.
''So'' Boris said suddenly while they were walking through some park he didn't know the name of. ''when was the last time you tried to off yourself?''
Rei had expected that question so he couldn't say he was surprised. But even so he wasn't too comfortable admitting the answer. Too embarrassed he kept his eyes on the ground.
''After your transplant, when I went to live with Kai''
''Huh''
Boris bit his lip, but otherwise showed no reaction. He wasn't sure what to do with this information. Whether if he should feel more like an idiot and bastard for being the cause of this – Rei didn't need to say anything, Boris could bet a million pounds that he was – or if he should simply not react at all since it wasn't all that surprising. Well, it was. In a way. But in a way, it wasn't. It was complicated. Rei had been a mess that year – still was, actually, just a smaller mess this time – and it didn't take much to rock his unstable reality out of balance. Still. Suicide? It was a bit too extreme, wasn't it?
Bitterly Boris felt the beast of anger coil within him, moving restlessly as it stirred awake. Anger directed at himself, at Rei, at Kai and Yuriy and the Abbey and the alcohol and the Kon's and James and the entire god damn world. Anger at life for going so terribly wrong.
''I really...'' he hesitated, still after all this time not sure what to say or even how to. ''fucked shit up, didn't I?''
Rei still wouldn't look at him. Instead, he noticed little flakes of white, dancing through the darkness and cutting it like knives. Seeing it fall on the ground, and eventually melting on his nose, Rei looked up only to see a gathering of white clouds pouring flakes over their heads. Tilting the corner of his mouth just the tiniest inch, he made Boris look up as well.
''Look'' Rei said. ''it's snowing''
