Thanks for all the feedback. It's so great to get it! Please keep it up because, as always, when I near the end of a fic I find it harder to write it. Knowing people are waiting on the next chapter definitely spurns me on!
Hope this chapter works for you! Pacey is drunk and so the conversation jumps around a little.
Tab xx
Chapter Eleven
Pacey drained his seventh whiskey and glanced at the clock. Who was he kidding, he was staring at the goddamned clock, willing time to pass so she would come home, but also wishing it would stop so it was still early when she came in, hopefully saying the guy was an ass. Dinner still lay half prepared in the kitchen, abandoned after Joey's departure. He knew it wasn't a mature response, but getting hammered seemed like the only course of action. He wasn't worried about Alex - the kid was a great sleeper and wouldn't wake up until morning. It was himself he was worried about.
He knew he was totally out of line. How many times had he reiterated to the girl that they were "just friends?" He'd said that line so many times and all because he wanted her to love him back. He didn't want to be just friends. He didn't give a flying fuck if Doug fired him over it, he just wanted her. Of course it wasn't a simple situation. He wanted her to stop feeling like she owed him something and to definitely not use sex as a form of payment. Every time he'd reiterated the just friends thing was when he feared she was using sex as a means to lessen her guilt or as a way to thank him such as those kisses. But he had began to hope. This tentative, burgeoning hope that perhaps she might feel for him, that she might want him. It was little things that were nothing to do with sex. The way she'd smile at him, or joke around so easily, laughing much more frequently as more time passed since her incarceration. Her face always brightened when she saw him, she looked so pleased that he was there. The smudging of charcoal on his nose, the talking they did in the evenings, all of it adding together to make him hope she was falling for him, that even though they were "just friends" it was actually a lot more than just friends.
It was only ten and he was so full of angst, his leg was tapping up and down. If it wasn't his own damn leg it would have irritated the fuck out of him. She knew he normally went to bed at around ten thirty and she'd said not to wake up. That meant she might be out until midnight. He winced at the awful thoughts of what she might be doing with the stupid ass of a guy, the image of this shadowed guy between her legs especially repulsive but unfortunately etched into his brain. He poured himself his eighth whisky. He didn't even like whisky but his dad had given him a bottle every year at Christmas since he turned twenty one and so he had whisky lying around when hard liquor was called for. And if the feeling in his stomach was anything to go by, then hard liquor was definitely necessary.
As he pushed the bottle back on the table he heard the door open and shut. He could scarcely bear to look in the direction of the hall, not that it mattered because she came into the living room, faltering at the sight of him. Apparently she could tell he was drunk because she took a step back, in all likelihood weary of someone in his state,
'I wouldn't hurt ya Jo,' he said, but the words came out strangled and bitter. 'Never.' He did wonder who had.
'Are you...uh...ok?' she sunk to the floor where she was, clearly not willing to come closer.
'Just fine and dandy,' he tilted the glass in her direction and then downed the shot, welcoming the burn.
'You don't...uh...seem ok?' she looked gorgeous, her hair a mass of brown waves, her eyes large. The short skirt she wore with the dark pantyhose, some sort of pattern on them, emphasizing her long legs. She was wearing a black halter neck top which revealed her sexy back to him and the bastard she went out with. He felt a searing jealousy, hot and angry and ripping him open inside.
'Just here, wallowing in self pity,' he muttered pushing the glass onto the coffee table.
'Why?' she frowned at him and he gave a hollow laugh,
'Just because,' he told her grandly pouring yet another drink. 'Just because.'
'Because what?'
'Don't push it Jo, trust me, you don't want to push it,' he stared at her seriously.
'I've done something wrong?' she paled, 'I've done something wrong and I don't even know what. Do you want me to leave?' she sounded so heartbroken, utterly devastated.
'Fuck no,' he stumbled to his feet, moving across the room. She didn't move, though she didn't look best pleased, as he dropped to the floor beside her, taking her hand and threading his fingers through hers, his head spinning and everything in him desperate to be close to her. 'This is your home Jo,' he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
'But I did do something wrong?' she asked, though it sounded more like a statement. 'Is this because I went out?' she narrowed her eyes.
'I just...gotta get over it, that's all,' he sighed feeling drunk and old, and terribly sad.
'Over what?' she asked and he wondered how she could be so oblivious.
'Over you. You know. So I don't have to drown myself in whiskey every time a guy takes you out for a coke. So I don't feel like I'm dying every second you're gone and I know you're with him, whoever he might be.'
'Him?'
'Anyone that's not me,' he rubbed a hand over his face.
'You need to get over me?' she asked with a sudden clarity and he nodded drunkenly because she seemed to get it.
'Yes, because this is horrible. Truly horrible,' he pressed another sloppy kiss to her head,
'What's horrible?' she pursed her brow and he thought he might die because she looked so adorable.
'You know, feeling about you like I do and not being with you,' he explained waving their joined hands around in a vain attempt to emphasize his words. 'Pretending it's ok when you go out with dicks you meet at the library. And it is ok, because I want you happy. More than I want you with me, I want you happy, but it feels the opposite of ok when you're out with them.'
'But I'm happiest with you,' she turned and he shook his head,
'You need to be happy,' he repeated drunkenly.
'And I said I'm happiest with you. I just thought...God...' she looked down, her face crumpled up in confusion.
'What?'
'You keep telling me you just want to be just friends. And I get it. I might be young but I do understand the difference between liking someone and just being attracted. I figured you were just attracted to me.'
'God I'm attracted to you,' he dropped her hand and cupped her face, 'all of you. I just adore you and I want so much more than just friends.'
'You don't mean that. I mean you can't. You're drunk,' she pushed his hand away. 'You've said just friends so many times...'
'I'm drunk but I still love you,' he stated glumly.
'Love?' Her head snapped in his direction, 'you don't love me.'
'Oh but I do. I love you so much you are literally all I can think about. One way or another you're in my head every second of every day.'
'You're drunk,' she accused again in a soft voice and he let out a wry chuckle,
'Yes, I am.'
'And whatever you think you feel, you don't think we should be together.'
'How I feel doesn't matter but love is how I feel and us being together is exactly what I want. But you know if you don't feel how I feel then I don't think we should be together. So you see it's how you feel that matters,' he turned and stared at her, their faces only inches apart.
'When I was out tonight all I could think about was you. I wished you'd asked me not to go. I told myself you didn't care because you told me to have fun. I wanted you to ask me to stay.'
'Stay,' he pleaded, 'please.' She was looking at him, her eyes locked with his, but instead of answering she patted his thigh,
'You should go to bed,' she whispered.
'Don't settle Jo. Don't ever settle. You deserve so much,' he knew he was rambling but he couldn't seem to stop. 'I just...really want you happy and I keep wishing that it would be me, that I could make you happy but I know you've got to be happy on your own steam and I...'
'Pacey shut up,' she held his face in her palms and he quaked to a halt,
'I'm doing my drunken rambling thing I know, but I love you and you're so pretty and I just can't stand the thought of you with some other stupid ass dude. God Jo, did he touch you? Did he kiss you?'
'Pace, shhh,' she gave him a brilliant smile. 'Come to bed,' she let go of his face and he felt her cool hand slip into his again,
'I even love the feel of your hand,' he told her solemnly. 'It's so soft.'
'And paint splattered,' she teased.
'So perfect.'
'Everything about me is far from perfect,' she gave him a stern look, 'as you well know.'
'You're perfect to me,' he insisted.
'You're too drunk to even listen to me,' she told him gently.
'But I love listening to you! You're so funny, so sweet, so quick witted,' he pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles.
'But you're not hearing me,' she told him.
'Say it again, I'm listening I promise,' he saluted her.
'You say you want me to be happy and I'm telling you I'm happiest with you. I didn't want to go out with that guy tonight. I hoped you'd ask me to stay. Pace, why do you keep insisting we're just friends?'
'I make you happy?' he smiled. 'You make me happy.'
'Pacey,' she sighed.
'I wanted you to stay but I had no right to ask that of you.'
'You can ask anything of me. I owe you so much,' she edged closer.
'That's the problem,' he slumped back against the wall feeling defeated.
'Huh?' she looked so confused.
'I don't want...you know...sex stuff...kissing...because you feel like you owe me. I want it because you feel about me like I feel about you.'
'Is that what you think? Really? That those kisses, me wanting to touch you - that it was about repaying you?'
'You said you'd use blow jobs to get what you need. You kept saying you owed me and then you'd kiss me when I did something nice...'
'I kissed you when you did something nice because it made me adore you,' she stared at him. 'So I used sex to get what I needed a couple of times, I knew that wasn't what it was between us. I wanted to thank you, to express what you mean to me. I knew you found me attractive, well I find you attractive too. When you did something so unbearably sweet or kind I wanted you, I wanted to demonstrate how warm and safe it made me feel. How loved it made me feel. I offered to touch you that night in your room when I had the nightmare because you made me feel safe. Not because I owed you but because you made me feel special and loved and because in that moment I adored you an inordinate amount. I can't believe you think I would try and repay all you've done with sex. That you'd think sex would mean nothing between us...'
'Joey,' he could hear her anger through the drunken blurriness.
'Aw fuck,' she stood up, 'I look like a slut, I grow up rough and so you think I can't have feelings and sex? You don't know everything about me you know. I'm not a prostitute. There's no set amount I owe that I'm trying to pay off with sexual acts with such and such amount of dollars...'
'Joey I never meant, or thought...'
'I'm a virgin for fucks sake. I've used guys before, I have and I'm not ashamed of it if it was needed, but I'd never use you. At first I took what I could get but when I realized what you were really like, what I thought you were like...I could never have. I can't believe you...'
'Jo,' he leaned towards her, 'I got it wrong, I'm sorry. I never thought it was something awful, I just thought...'
'You thought I was kissing as repayment,' she half yelled and then burst into tears, 'and God you were right. I remember those moments. I'd talk about what I owe you and then I'd touch you, or try too. You said you wanted me to kiss you because I wanted to. You said it to me. And you see I did think of it as repayment at first, maybe even expected but that changed, I want to kiss you because I adore you Pacey. I wanted to touch you so much. I love it when we lie close together. It feels so, so good. Of course you wouldn't know it changed, or that it was both. Maybe I'm an awful person. I mean I say I'm not a hooker but isn't that what they do?'
'Joey,' he beseeched and pulled her onto his lap, wrapping her in his arms. 'All I really care about is that you wanted me. It's not your fault that you were put in awful situations, I don't even think it's bad that you wanted to repay me that way, only if you wanted to do it. I just wanted us to be equal. I want you. I love you and I want an equal relationship with y and so I didn't want it to be about that. I wanted it to be about love and about wanting someone so much you can't see straight. 'Cause I can't see straight Jo.'
'That's because you're drunk,' she pressed her face into his warm neck.
'I dream about you. I spend every second we're apart thinking about you and then every second we're together wanting to touch you, to make you laugh, to make you happy.'
'Then I can't see straight either,' she admitted cautiously.
'You can't?'
'Pace, I don't know love beyond Alex. He's a baby and he's so easy to love but I don't know how to love someone.'
'Just do what you feel, and you'll be great. It'll come or it won't,' he clung onto her.
'Do as I feel?' she turned, and held her lips against his, 'ok,' she began to kiss him and his whole body began to thrum because it felt divine and it was Joey, Joey kissing him and doing so because she wanted too. He became greedy and his hands began to grab for her, wanting to hold her in place and get her closer all at once, but then she was pulling back, away from him.
'Naaaah,' he complained, 'come 'ere,' he reached for her but she gave a cautious shrug,
'You're drunk Pace. You should go to bed.'
'With you?' he asked optimistically and she laughed,
'No,' she shook her head.
'Please,' he caught her hand and tugged her back to him, his arms encircling her and his lips pressing wet kisses to her neck.
'Pace,' she protested half heartedly and turned so she could kiss him hard on the mouth, before squirming her way from his grasp and standing. 'You're too drunk.'
'No, really I'm not,' he shook his head.
'You are,' she held out a hand and pulled him to his feet. 'Don't wake the baby,' she hissed as she led him up the stairs.
'I won't,' he agreed way too loudly.
'Look, go pee and brush your teeth,' she instructed and he saluted her again. 'Then go to bed.'
'With you?' he asked, just as optimistically as the first time.
'Alone Pace.'
'Boo,' he pouted.
'I'll see you in the morning,' she told him and she looked all coy and cute and so he gathered her into his arms and kissed him, loving the way she gripped his tshirt. Then she slipped from his grasp and was gone.
