Healing Wounds – chapter eleven
Elliot shifted his weight from foot to foot as he kept focus on the elevators progress, the sound of the gears was too loud as it climbed up to Olivia's floor. He tightly gripped the bag in one hand and held a bouquet of giant daisies in the other. He looked at them doubtfully, wondering whether he'd made the right choice.
The doctors released him from hospital the day before, cautioning him to take it easy and rest as much as possible. He could still feel the pull of the stitches in his side and he had to be careful not to take deep breaths or reach too far or his chest would ache. He'd been greeted by the rest of his children after Dickie drove him home. According to Dickie Eli hadn't been sleeping but he'd slept through the night before, Elliot wanted to make sure Eli was feeling safer before he went home to Kathy at the end of the week. He escaped from his own home, the combination of Dickie's expectant glances, Lizzie's hovering, and Kathleen's silent treatment drained him. Eli and Oliver seemed to be the only ones happy to see him and part of him thought about bringing them with him, but after last time he second guessed it and relished the time alone during quiet drive back to Manhattan.
The elevator jolted slightly and he looked up for a moment, but it continued to rise. He'd spoken to Fin and knew Olivia was off today because Lucy had an appointment. There was a possibility she wasn't home and he had been saved from pressing her buzzer when he managed to catch the door when one of her neighbours was leaving. He knew it was an idiotic move and she wouldn't react well to the confrontation. He hated blindsiding her even if it was the only option because he doubted she would come to him voluntarily especially after his cold empty apology the last time they spoke. He was annoyed at himself for holding his tongue, feeling like he was betraying her all over again. He would be lucky if she didn't slam the door in his face. It took them almost a year to get over Oregon and that was just shy of two months, he has no idea how long or what it would take to get over four years. He wasn't naive enough to believe one meeting would fix everything.
He kept replaying that moment in the park when he met Noah, the sound of the smack of his hand on the ball. They may not be biologically related but looking back Elliot couldn't help but recognise the mannerisms Noah got from Olivia. He could see how happy and content Noah was and Elliot wanted to believe that was because Olivia was happy, he wanted to believe her life had gotten better after he left it.
"He was just picking flowers for his mom."
That's what Lucy had said.
Picking flowers for his mom.
For Olivia.
Olivia Benson has a son, she's a mother.
Elliot wondered if she ever got the flowers or if they had been lost on route between the precincts, hence the flowers. He didn't know how she would react to them. They rarely ever exchanged gifts, usually settling for a drink on such occasions and he knew this may throw her more than his unexpected appearance would.
The elevator pinged open and Elliot stepped off glancing down the hallway to check the numbers on the apartment doors before turning in the right direction. He found the right door and paused, shuffling his feet once again. After a long moment he raised his free hand, hesitating before rapping his knuckle on the wood with three sharp taps.
…
Olivia sat on the floor with Noah as he played with his building blocks, placing one on top of the other to make a tower before he knocked it down. Noah was reaching to place the last block on top when she heard the familiar knock she hadn't heard in years. Her head shot up in surprise. He'd only gotten out of the hospital last night and she didn't expect him to show up at her place so soon, if at all.
"Door Mama," Noah said pointing in that direction. He grabbed hold of the sofa and used it to pull himself up, eagerly scurrying down the short corridor to find out who was knocking.
Olivia followed quickly and was able to overtake him before he reached the door. "Should we see who's there?" She asked rhetorically as she held out a hand to him.
"Yeah," Noah agreed with a nod, slipping his hand into hers.
Olivia looked through the peep hole to double check it was Elliot before undoing the chain and the latch. She took a deep breath as she pulled open the door, dropping her gaze to Noah as he looked through the expanding gap as Elliot was revealed to him.
"Oh," Noah said in surprise and scampered behind her legs. His head peaked around her legs as Olivia and Elliot looked at each other awkwardly.
Olivia felt Noah's arms reach around her leg and she blindly dropped a hand to stroke his hair reassuringly. "Noah do you remember Elliot?"
"E'iot?" Noah repeated looking at the man in question quickly only to find Elliot looking back at him. Letting out a small yelp of surprise Noah hid behind her legs again, making both adults laugh.
Their laughter died as their eyes met and after a moment Olivia pulled the door wider and ushered Noah back as she silently invited Elliot in.
"I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced," Elliot said stepping in slowly, deliberately.
"It's fine, why are you here?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"You could've seen me at the precinct," Olivia reminded him with a sharp look.
"Yeah, but I don't think either one of us wanted to do this there," Elliot replied gravely.
"Kind of like being in a fish bowl," Olivia sighed in agreement. "How did you find out where I live?"
Elliot shook his head. "Don't blame anyone but me Liv," he replied resignedly.
Olivia stared back at him expectantly, neither confirming nor arguing with him but he didn't answer her. There was only one person who could have, would have, given Elliot her address. She didn't blame Fin because he knew they needed to talk to get some resolution, she just wished he would have told her Elliot was coming.
"Look, I don't want to do this in front of Noah," Olivia told him.
"I'm not here to argue with you," Elliot promised. He held up the bag in his hand. "This is for Noah and these are for you," he said giving her the bouquet.
Olivia looked between Elliot and the flowers in confusion. A pink blush grew up his neck and he cleared his throat uncomfortably as he gestured at the flowers.
"They're from Noah by the way," Elliot said with a self-conscious smile and Olivia's frown deepened, glancing down at her son who was trying to peak in the bag. "He was picking flowers for you in the park and I didn't know if you ever got them."
"Oh, thank you," Olivia managed to push out around the lump that suddenly formed in her throat at his explanation. "And I didn't. They're beautiful."
Elliot looked as affected as she felt and they stared at each other again only to be interrupted by Noah tugging on the bag in her hand.
"Mama, it a ball," he said as he peaked in the top of the bag. "We play," Noah said tugging the bag again in the direction of the living room.
"Come in," Olivia told Elliot with a jerk of her head. "Can you show him the ball while I find a vase for the flowers?"
"Sure," Elliot agreed pushing the door shut behind him.
He watched Noah lead the way to the living room. He looked around and recognised some of her treasured possessions and photos. He smiled at the ones she'd added of Noah. It wasn't as neat as the other apartment, it was lived in and he was all too aware of how difficult it was to keep a completely tidy home with children running around. Elliot liked it but it lacked the character of her old place.
"Put your blocks in the box Noah," Olivia said as she placed the bag on the chair and Noah dutifully started picking up the blocks. Lately she had been encouraging him to put away one toy before playing with another, thankfully he wasn't arguing today. "Have a seat Elliot," she told her former partner as he watched Noah put away his toys. "What?"
"He's putting his toys away," Elliot said as he sat on the edge of the arm chair opposite the kitchen so he could watch Olivia as well as Noah. He grabbed the bag and held it in front of him.
"It's a new development, believe me," Olivia replied as she filled a vase with water and placed the flowers in it, finally setting them on the kitchen counter. She couldn't help but lift a hand and run her index finger down one of the petals, they really were beautiful and she was touched by the gesture. If she had been on her own, if Noah had been napping, she would have been tempted to turn him away. As much as she was scared about what Elliot had come to say she couldn't send him away, they would have to be at least civil with one another if Noah was with them. There would be no swearing or raised voices in front of him and he would act as a buffer between them. She then held up a cup to Elliot. "Coffee?"
"Thanks," Elliot said as Noah placed the last block in his toy box and approached him. The little boy was so comfortable, so confident here in his home. "Hi Noah," he said gently.
"Hi," Noah replied impishly. He took another step forward, looking intently at the gift bag in Elliot's hands.
Olivia watched as her son stood in front of Elliot, embracing that true fearlessness that all toddlers seem to have. It wasn't just Noah who had her captivated; Elliot seemed riveted by the toddler. He was studying Noah, almost like he was trying to memorise every detail in case he never saw Noah again. Her heart tightened over the bittersweet moment which she secretly wished for. Feeling the tears prick at her eyes she turned to busy herself with making the coffee while Elliot kept Noah entertained.
…..
Noah gripped the bag and pulled it open to peer inside. "Play ball," he insisted looking at Elliot expectantly.
"Okay, we'll play," Elliot agreed eyeing the small space. He reached out and pushed the coffee table towards the window to make some room. "We're gonna roll it on the floor because I don't think your mom will appreciate me teaching you to kick in the apartment," he said gently.
"Not really," Olivia agreed as she placed Elliot's cup on the coffee table and took a seat on the sofa opposite him. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," Elliot replied, hiding the wince of pain as he reached into the bag to get the ball.
"That's usually my line," she smiled tightly, quickly.
"Yeah," Elliot said with a bob of his head. "The doctors said to take it easy for a few days and I have to go back for a follow up next week but apart from that I should be fine. The harder part was slipping away from Lizzie and Eli," he joked half-heartedly with a forced laugh and Olivia smiled tightly. "It's not your fault Liv," Elliot said.
"It's not yours either." She sat on the edge of the sofa and held her cup tightly in her hands, almost protectively. There were a lot of things going through her mind and she wasn't sure how to put voice to them, especially in front of Noah. "Why are you here Elliot?"
Elliot didn't answer right away. Momentarily ignoring the question he placed the ball on the floor between his feet and then retrieved the other item in the bag. "This is to wear when it's cold."
"No coat," Noah replied with a pout as soon as he saw the small hoodie Elliot pulled out of the bag.
"It's a jumper," Elliot corrected trying not to smirk at the concentration on Noah's face.
"He's not fond of either at the moment," Olivia interjected. "It's an ongoing discussion," she added with a shrug and a tiny lip lift.
Elliot nodded understandingly as he guided Noah to sit on the floor a few feet away. "We're gonna roll it like this," he said pushing the ball towards the boy slowly enough for him to stop it with his hands. Only after a few rolls back and forth did Elliot look up at Olivia to find her looking at the scene with fondness. Sensing his gaze on her she lifted her head. "We need to talk," Elliot sighed.
"What is there to say?" She asked, shifting uncomfortably, looking away.
"There's nothing I can say to justify how I left, I have no how to apologise."
"I never asked for an apology Elliot," she told him pinning him with an unreadable expression.
"You deserve one," Elliot insisted.
"I would prefer an explanation." Elliot stared back at her, and when she realised he wasn't going to start speaking she strummed her fingers on the side of her cup before placing it on the coffee table. "If our situations were reversed, if I had shot Jenna and walked away and didn't speak to you for four years, what would you expect from me?"
"What do you mean?"
"What would I have to do to apologise?"
"You wouldn't have to," Elliot admitted after a long moment the realisation dawning on him. "I would know why you did what you did."
"And I would never ask you to do something you wouldn't let me do," Olivia tilted her head to the side, imploring him to understand what she was trying to tell him. "Wouldn't you be pissed if I didn't at least explain?"
"I would," he nodded.
"Are you going to?" Olivia asked "Because if you're not you can leave now."
Elliot held up a hand to stop her. "I'm going to."
"Well it can wait till Noah's N A P," she spelled.
"He doesn't like naps either?" Elliot questioned as he shot the little boy a knowing smile.
"No nap," Noah answered indignantly, emphasising the 'p' as he rolled the ball at Elliot.
…
Almost two hours later Elliot looked over his shoulder at the kitchen and pushed up from the sofa, ignoring the twinge in his side as he grabbed their empty coffee cups. He could hear Olivia's soft murmurs of reassurance as she laid a sleepy Noah in his crib. Despite his aversion, Noah finally succumbed to a peaceful slumber nearly fifteen minutes ago while he was sitting in Olivia's lap.
Elliot watched them keenly, relishing every smile and laugh from mother and son. While Noah was quite independent he occasionally glanced in her direction to check she was still there before continuing to play happily. Elliot marvelled at the bond and the non-verbal communication forged between them. They had found a rhythm with each other and Elliot had never been prouder of her.
Elliot put the cups on the counter. In his peripheral vision he saw Olivia slip into the doorway and lean against the wall, watching him. He poured two cups of coffee, and then opened a cupboard to get the sugar. He added the right amount of milk and sugar to hers while leaving his black. Olivia's responding laugh was refreshing and upsetting all at the same time. Elliot paused, his arm poised to put the sugar back in its' rightful place. He turned to look at her. "What?"
"You know where everything is," Olivia explained.
Elliot shrugged as he carried the two cups to the sofa, brushing past her to reclaim his spot on the sofa. "You always have the same set up in your kitchen."
"You always snooped," she responded as she sat next to him and she accepted her cup, taking a small sip and let out a small noise of appreciation. "Thanks."
He smiled awkwardly at her, feeling a twinge of apprehension now that it was just them. "Noah's a great kid."
"Thanks," Olivia bobbed her head.
"He loves you."
"I love him," Olivia replied, a smile lighting up her face as she spoke about her son. Elliot smiled at the sight. When she noticed his gaze, she ducked her head and sipped her coffee again.
"Thanks for my stuff, by the way," Elliot says after a moment. He doesn't mean for there to be a challenge in his voice but it's there and her eyes narrow in response but she doesn't rise to it. "You're not angry at all?" Elliot asked, wincing with the way it sounded. He would feel better if she was angry. Olivia's eyes flicked and she placed her cup on the coffee table with a quiet thud.
"I'm disappointed rather than angry," she says him quietly.
"You should be angry." Olivia sucks in a breath and he braces himself for the onslaught.
"I'm sick of your double standards when it comes to us, you expect me to be angry with you when you wouldn't do the same."
"I made a mistake." It was Elliot's turn to look away.
Next to him Olivia shook her head. "Jenna made the decision to walk into the station with a gun; she was determined to use it. She didn't listen to us and kept shooting. She wasn't going to stop Elliot. You had no choice, no matter how much you wish that was different it is the truth."
"And we can't change what happened," Elliot argued.
"No we can't, so why did you refuse to let me help you?"
"One PP was piling on the pressure and they needed someone to be held responsible and I couldn't keep doing this. I needed out. This job was your life. I wanted to make sure you weren't pushed out with me." He rubbed his hands together to stop himself from clenching them. "And I didn't want you to worry about me."
"You think I stopped worrying about because you weren't in my life? That you weren't sitting across a desk from me? Would you have stopped worrying or thinking about me?"
Elliot meets her eyes. They're almost black and sheening over. He slowly shakes his head. "I never have," he admits.
"Then stop trying to tell me it's just about the job and had nothing to do with us."
"I'm not," Elliot replied heavily. He didn't want to push her too far, too quickly. "I wanted you to have a chance to be happy; I wanted you to have more than the job. Our relationship was holding both of us back. I needed out and I needed you to be happy."
…
"I was happy," Olivia told him, her voice catching in her throat.
"You were content, there's a difference. You can't tell me you aren't happier now with Noah in your life."
Olivia lifted an eyebrow at his statement. Part of her wanted to argue, hating his declaration that she wasn't happy back then, but she couldn't. "Are you happy now Elliot?" It was a low blow but she needed to know.
His chest puffed out and his eyes shadowing over. "I'm content," he tells her with a self-depreciating laugh.
Olivia didn't laugh only huffed in resignation. "You said you needed out," Olivia said fixing him with a stare. "As far as I can see, you're still in."
"Would you believe me if I told you that is was an accident?" Elliot replied with a forced smile. Olivia shook her head.
"I would if I didn't know you. And now I keep picturing Ellie in the back of that van," Olivia replied, her expression softening. "Deering was refused bail and Maxwell and Foster haven't been in touch."
"They're going over the entire case looking for any connection to New York or Deering but they can't find any so unless he talks they won't have anything."
"They tried to muscle in on the interview," Olivia scoffed remembering what Nick and Amanda had relayed to her.
"It's the way they operate, I don't agree with it." Olivia looked at him pointedly and he ignored it. "But they're probably more embarrassed for making something out of nothing," Elliot defended. "They've got a lot riding on this case and at the moment they've hit a dead end. They thought this might pan out as a lead."
"I'm sorry," Olivia replied.
"Why?"
"It's your case too, you went undercover for a reason and I know how much you hate this."
"Yeah, well," Elliot shrugged. He coughed softly. "For all we know this could be a gang initiation."
"They have been no other reports of it. The ADA is going to offer Deering a deal to get him to talk."
"I know." He paused. "Liv, I might need to go back undercover."
"What?"
"Nothing is concrete but we didn't get everyone during the raid, and we're not sure if someone is feeding them information from the inside."
Olivia stiffened but she appreciated him telling her. "You didn't need to tell me."
"I know but I trust you and I wanted you to know that I do." Olivia relaxed and nodded. "Where do we go from here?" Elliot asked when she didn't reply. "I mean us, not the investigation."
Olivia cocked her head to the side. "What did you expect when you came here?"
"I have no idea," Elliot admitted. "I was just hoping you wouldn't tell me to go to hell."
"I may understand why you did what you did, but I can't forget it Elliot." She wished she could but he was the one who made her believe he was going to be a part of her life for the rest of it, he was determined to get her to depend on him and when she did, he walked away. He should have let her be there for him, like he would have been there for her.
"Can you forgive?"
"I don't know," Olivia replied.
Author Note – where do they go from here? Let me know what you're thinking in either a review or a PM if you're shy about leaving a public comment.
