(A/N): Oh my god! It's been so longgg! But I'm back now to take this wonderful fic off hiatus! :D
Ever read a story where the second half is completely different to the first half, and then by the end of it you sort of go 'wow, was that the same story..?' Well, this is one of those! Second half of this story is most definitely the better half, but completely and utterly different from the first.
I like the beginning of this chapter…middle's a bit iffy…but oh, the end. Well, you'll have to wait and see :P. I think it went quite well considering I took a 6-month break from it and then began a pretty stupid humour fic. And then I managed to call MarianQ Tyson in an email to PKW :S so they both think my brain's been fried…lawl.
Anyway, I'll shut up now! One more thing: I'm introducing another OC soon, though not in this chapter. He's more important than Nikita was, but not in the story nearly as much, so yes…
Disclaimer: I don't own beyblade or any recognisable characters.
And like the glaciers on the highest of summits, three long years passed us by. With time these years decreased in length; each year we aged, the months of sheltered calm became ever-shorter for me, as they must have done for him aswell. These are the years I look back upon as though I were evoking a dream, or a visionary gap in my own life where I temporarily lived another. I can not look upon it as a life of my own, for it was neither the care-free teenage years I always remembered, nor the life which began when the storm blew over. This was no action to be proud of, nor the provisional sanctuary I were to seek later on. These were the years we were kept from the action; only with the knowledge I sometimes believed tore him to the very core.
Kai was the imperative concern during those times. With all we knew about, the horror being faced far away from where we resided, it was the stress that kept him awake at night, and the fear behind his eyes, that worried me more than anything else. To me, we were so far, worlds away, even. The gun fires were penetrating into human lives so soundly I felt we needn't worry. I knew of the war; we heard the news the same way everybody else did. Kai even ensured he receive a list of every death, and with every name he recognised as a former student, emaciated by his doing alone, I feared a small part of him died with them. Rarely did I recognise the names myself, and I realised at that point that I never knew the tormented boys I suffered alongside nearly as well as their brutal and supposedly unjust leader.
The one name I always looked for never showed up in the packages.
It would be a lie to state here that the absence of the boys name alone was what kept me going through those times. I could not say that with distance, the naivety I possessed grew ever slimmer, and I tore myself apart with worry of what would become of the two of us, or the country we both now loved so dearly. No, it would be a false statement if I said that there weren't some days where the war never even crossed my mind at all.
We were still young, and as far as I was concerned, we were free. I believe even Kai could tear his thoughts away from the battles and endless lists of the dead to make me happy every so often, and pretend that he was too. In the summer months we threw grand parties in the ballroom, and cuddled together closely through the cold nights of the unforgiving winter. We told ourselves it wouldn't be long, and I never knew if he too genuinely believed it. I don't even recall what I believed at that time; probably nothing save for what he told me. For either love or a hidden despair I had no knowledge of possessing, I had given heed to his opinions and temporarily banished my own to make room for them.
The fleeting few seconds where I wished my love would allow me to return home alone were banished faster than the rest of my judgements, and the thought of being away from Kai was no longer something I believed I could handle. Sometimes I dreamt he'd be taken from me; a concept which irked me greater than that of him slowly eradicating himself with painful anxiety. It was a pain felt by the two of us, though he would never have wanted to know this, but the feeling of being without him ached even more. It was for my benefit that he still allowed himself to smile on occasion, and for both of ours that he held me even tighter during the nights these dreams took place.
Love bound him to me, as it did me to him. Love he never outwardly expressed through words, but with gestures to keep me content through his inner-destruction, and news he chose to keep from me; secrets he chose to defer for my sake, of what was really occurring in the rest of Asia.
How appalled I was to finally learn the truth he'd kept from me.
For a long period of time I completely lost track. The months and days flew away from me in a haze of smog while I carelessly lived through each one with ease, so safely and innocuously far away. Even the time spun out of my control once the grandfather clock in the grand dining room inexplicably ceased to work one day.
I remember the day I had looked upon its majestic face and wondered why the two largest hands had remained still since that morning. The ticking persisted to echo through the room, seemingly becoming more strident as the sound bounced off the aged walls. It almost gave the impression I were being deafened with every second that still passed me by, while the hours and the minutes had suddenly given way.
I had never enquired about the clock; it was a silly stroke of curiosity resulting from having an excess of what the clock had failed to tell. There were long hours to fill in those years, and even the most absurd and inconsequential of curiosities were ones I had the time to consider in the many hours I had to myself in blissful ignorance.
And while the clock still clicked, though it failed to inform, we wondered how much longer this war would persist to drag the worthy people of our continent and country into the dust. He must have wondered it himself. We would discuss it often, when we weren't trying to fool ourselves and bask in trivial conversation or simply reminisce over the past we both knew was long gone. Had I looked into a crystal ball all those years ago, and seen this life ahead of me, I would never have believed it possible. If they could see us now…I always did wonder what they would have said. To this day I wonder how they faired, the ones I have yet to lay eyes on again.
As I sat at my dresser in front of the ornate mirror I still miss with a pang of materialistic guilt, I refocused my eyes and returned from my daydream to stare at my reflection. I was twenty. The age had barely taken its toll -after all, we were still young- but my growth and the maturation was evident. No scars had left their defining mark on my skin from the days I starved with the boys-turned-men, who braced the harsh conditions they were accustomed to while I sat in the warmth like a doll. The bruise Kai had painfully inflicted on my cheek was the first of the wounds to heal and disappear. There was no longer a trace of them.
An important dinner at the ornate Sovietsky hotel was the occasion I prepared myself for that night. My imperfections were concealed by the mounds of makeup applied to my paling skin, and the stunning dress of midnight blue lay behind me on the bed. Staring at the article of clothing in the mirror, I almost refrained from putting it on; the idea of wearing something so beautiful frightened me at the consideration of what I might do to it, and how it could be damaged.
But despite the foolish hesitations, I slipped the expensive garment of blue material on and reached through the drawers in the white dresser to find the diamond necklace I owned amongst the beautiful and inimitable jewellery, some of which the Hiwataris had been in possession of for centuries, and some of which were obtained for me. Those jewels were far too precious and valuable to have ended up in the filthy hands they did.
Kai was especially distant that evening. I suspected at the time a certain death-count had irked him, for after the smile when he sighted me atop the stairs, his face remained a lighter shade of its usual pale. I took his hand in mine, and he squeezed it once before loosening his grip again, and when he kissed me his eyes were cast downwards. There was something on his mind. Perhaps I should have enquired, but my belief is that I never really wanted to know anyway.
We slid into the back of the car, still loosely hand-in-hand, and spoke next to nothing as we drove through the dazzling city in the dusk, preparing inwardly for what I suspected would be just another spectacular party.
'You're being quiet today,' I tried, concern written in my tone of voice as I tried to draw his eyes from the window.
'Sorry,' he mumbled as a response, or something he deemed fit enough to be one. He did not look my way, his gaze seemingly too drawn towards something on the deep blue waters we passed by. I sighed and sat back, knowing he would be okay. He squeezed my hand a final time, to let me know he was still alive, despite the news plaguing his mind, that he never brought himself to tell me.
The hotel was stunning, though admittedly I don't remember much of it. The first few hours went by in a blur, an elaborate blur of beautiful dresses and expensive drinks, and countless guests who spoke with zest, all satisfied for a reason not yet known to me.
'Isn't it wonderful?' a little girl said to me, brilliant smile planted on her plump porcelain face as her long hear of curls bounced around her little green gown.
I knelt down to her level and looked into her gleaming face, smiling softly and responding, 'It is…so wonderful…' I resisted the urge to follow my curiosity, inquire as to what they were all so happy about that evening, what Kai had heard which made him uneasy, and why nobody had thought to inform me.
The small girl was dragged away by her mother and I rejoined Kai at the long table we were seated at. I smiled and laughed along with those who engaged me in alleviated conversation. After three years I was far moved from the stage of being unable and unwilling to converse with any of them. Kai, though he would answer to discussions with single-syllable responses, remained in the same distracted zone throughout, and something gave me the impression the decision to partake in this apparent celebration had not been one of his own.
Still I didn't ask what vexed and troubled him, and for his sake I didn't demand an explanation. I'd learned from enough years spent knowing Kai that nothing would work if there was something he wanted to keep to himself. And aside from that, I needn't have bothered; as the man who had organized this celebration stepped to the podium, it would only be a few minutes before all was revealed.
The man welcomed us and commenced with his speech, the remainder of the aristocrats in the ballroom pausing in their exhilaration to take in what he was saying. The speech consisted mainly of what I already knew; the list of gains and loses and every battle where the Russians had seen exultant victory. All the while we clapped and smiled and basked in the glory our brave fighters brought to us while we sat in gowns and heard speeches of their wins, loses and many deaths.
'And as we all know,' he grinned, staring at all the knowing faces who gazed right back. I turned to Kai, whose breathing had become evident. He bit his lip and I felt his hand take mine, resting it on his thigh. The voice I was barely listening to anymore persisted, 'our soldiers have seen victory yet again, pushing Russia further towards finally seeing victory, in this constant battle and never-ending war.'
The occupants surrounding me filled the room with applause, and Kai's grip tightened slightly on my hand. My gaze was torn from his as the man pressed on, nearing the end of his triumphant speech.
'I speak today in honour of our soldiers, though there may be few of them in comparison to our enemies. Their strength and our partnership with the Balkan states in Europe have finally granted us an immense upper-hand in this war, with their triumphant defeat against Japan.'
I froze, stiff with the all-too-familiar horror I hadn't experienced in years. Kai's hand clasped mine tightly but still he couldn't look at me, nor I at him. I stared blankly straight ahead of me, my eyes fixated on the speaker but I wasn't seeing a thing. I thought for a moment I felt my own heart stop as the waves of a blissful and barely-existent life I'd been living suddenly crashed down on cold stone before my very eyes.
'With success in almost every battle, our forces were able to move in and claim control of the government, leaving the surrounding areas in ruins. The first to fall were the cities of Sapporo and Aomiro, from whence we marched to the centre of the country and finally gained control over Tokyo.'
I flinched as the name of my home town was spoken. I clenched down on my teeth as my fist balled itself under Kai's hand. As the room surrounding us erupted into applause, my naïve and barely-existent hopes plummeted as I suddenly realised with a painful jolt that the ones I knew and loved were suffering, while I'd spent three long years sitting back and wasting every worry I had over Kai and his anxiety alone.
'…Things are about to change, and it's not for the better. Sometimes it seems like I alone can see the damage…since you left us…'
The guilt settled in and stung almost as painfully as the shock. How could I have disappeared like this? And not return or even make the slightest effort in contact, if only to let them know I was still alive. The thought that they might no longer be alive was something which had never even occurred to me until that moment. Suddenly I felt dizzy, a malady settling in like none I had ever felt before. It wasn't the same as watching boys disappear in front of me in defeat, as I had become accustomed to once before. This was the thought of my loved ones no longer being around to see my return; the return I only realised at that moment, had not been a part of my plans for a while.
Breathing so heavily I feared I'd pass out, I wrenched my hand free and charged in the direction of the lobby. I doubt any of them noticed me take my leave, all so caught up in the malevolent stimulation of a brutal and inhumane conquest that can only be developed through war.
Of course, one of them took off after me. But he didn't reach me until I'd fled through the doors, out into the cold and pouring rain.
'Hilary,' he took my arm and forced me to turn and face him. I fought hard against him, thumping his chest with my fists as he seized my other arm. My tears were safe to fall now, amongst the rain droplets they blended with and slid smoothly down my cheeks.
'Let me go!' I cried out, caring very little at how childish I sounded at that moment, standing in the street fighting like we had no shame, watching our grandest outfits slowly destroy in contact with the pounding water. 'Kai, I can't stay here and listen to this!'
'We won't stay here, we'll go back home,' he said desperately, trying to pull me in the direction of the car.
Finding the voice and strength I'd long-since lost, I finally pushed him from me. He staggered a little but didn't try to take hold of me again. I stood before him, shaking with cold and with rage, teeth bared mainly to prevent the shivering. He stared at me helplessly, also beginning to quiver as the rain seeped into the fabric his clothes and made contact with his skin.
'I am going home,' I tried my hardest to speak steadily. 'But not your home.'
I saw him droop a little further, but my anger kept me from the sympathy I had reserved for him. He shook his head slowly, pressing on despite my determination. 'You can't go back, not now. You don't even-'
'Why didn't you tell me?' I interrupted him, my despair suddenly showing in my uneven tone and cracked voice. I felt more tears fall against the icy droplets from the sky but didn't even blink as I glared into his eyes.
'You know why,' he responded, gently but sternly as he made his way back towards me. Thunder sounded in the distance and I gave in to my body's need for warmth, allowing Kai to pull me towards the car.
He opened the door and I clambered in first, resting my head against the window pane and trying my hardest not to look at him, especially as I knew he was looking at me. For quite a few minutes we didn't speak, not that I could have said a word amidst the crying. I tried to stop but to no avail, and so I wept as we drove, trying not to close my eyes for fear of what I'd see in my mind.
'Did-did you j-ust…think y-you could…keep this from me f-forever?' I stammered out between sobs, still not looking in Kai's direction.
There was a brief silence before I heard his soft response, in a voice so small I knew how ridiculous he must have thought it. 'It was the only way I could think of to keep you protected.'
By the time we reached the house the rain had stopped, replaced by a thick blaze of deep red as the brilliant sun was beginning to set. The entire house had a glow that evening as I stormed up the front courtyard steps and forced my way past the maid, still sobbing as I felt my hair and dress stick to me.
But much to my chagrin, he was too fast for me. He stepped out in front before I could reach the staircase and I realised this was going to be difficult. Our breathing picked up again as I glared through the tears at his sympathetic but determined expression, the face of a man I still can't believe I was so prepared to walk away from after all those years.
'You can't make me stay here,' I threatened, my voice once again steady as I regained my composure, 'not while I know that my home's being destroyed. I refuse to stay here and celebrate while the people I love could be dying.'
'I…' he was truly lost for words. His face faltered as mine hardened, and I believe he realised at that moment that nothing he said could persuade me to stay. The Kai I used to know, once made of steel, had begun to rust in the unforgiving faces of love and war. 'I can't…I can't let you…'
I shook my head dangerously as more tears fell to contradict my strength. 'You don't have a choice.'
It was his love that fought to convince me to stay, and at all costs he probably believed he could restrain me. But it was my love that drove me to fight back, and a determination he couldn't deny he would also show in this situation. That Kai I used to know was so resolute, nobody in the world could have prevented him from marching home like I wanted to. And he knew he had no right to keep me there, especially as there was only one place I had to be at that time.
He gave in to me that night. Against every fibre of his being, every voice in his wise mind, every sentiment he'd ever had, he subsided for what he knew would be the only way I would ever forgive him. I knew back then what I know now; that he had only kept it from me because he believed it was right. He truly did care about me, and loved me as I did him. But I could never stand the thought of secrets being kept from me, and especially such a fatal one as this. I had to regain the independence I had originally set out to achieve, and lost somewhere along the way. I had to turn my back on Moscow, and return to the country I loved more than any other.
I'm almost ashamed to say it wasn't difficult, the leave. He wouldn't move from the stairs, but turned his face away as he dug into his pocket. Pulling out a small wad of money, he planted it into my hand and continued to focus his frown on the floor to his left. My fortitude overpowered the possibility of a sorrowful parting. I took the money, and turned on my heel. I didn't thank him for his concede defeat, nor even for the money. I didn't take his hand, or kiss his lips a final time. I didn't linger to spill out a heart-felt goodbye.
I reached the door and asked the driver to take me to the station, though I knew full-well it was in walking distance. I looked back briefly at the man who hadn't said another word. Taking in a breath, grateful he hadn't decided to look into my eyes, I controlled my voice a final time.
'Do Svidanya, Kai.'
(A/N): Ahh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I made you wait so long just for that to happen! But on the plus side, it will be updated quite soon, as it's not off hiatus now! And of course, the KaiHil is obviously not over!
…Don't kill me! My parents, friends and reviewers will not be happy!
How about reviewing instead? :D
