Chapter Eleven: Truths and Lies
Smithers wasn't a regular at Moe's, but he did go occasionally. He didn't get along very well with the normal crowd that hung out there since lot of them worked at the power plant and they really loathed him for his authoritarian attitude and strict adherence to Burns' regulations.
As expected, Moe's regular customers were sitting around at the bar in their usual seats. They were all gathered around listening to Moe chattering on about something. Smithers was just glad that they were distracted enough that they didn't even notice that he'd come in with a girl. He had more important things to worry about than hearing their smart-ass remarks. As they entered, Smithers noted a familiar tune coming from the jukebox.
"Hey Homer, do I look like Sam Malone to you? Turn off that damn theme song!" yelled Moe as the theme to Cheers echoed throughout the bar. "I'm right in the middle of telling an exciting story over here!"
"Sorry Moe. " said Homer, slowly walking away from the jukebox, his head hung sadly and muttering to himself. "—but it's just so catchy..."
Smithers and Stella were seated at one of the corner booths, a good distance away from the bar and hopefully far enough from the rest of the guys so that they would be able to talk undisturbed.
"So Stella, you say you've got some info about Ms. Naegle's plans?" asked Smithers. No point beating around the bush. "So spill it! I want to know everything!"
"Hold up, we just got here and you're all business already!" she whined impatiently. If there was one thing that was more torturous than her cackling laugh, it was her whining. Although she was right; it was only fair to treat her to a drink since she was the one that held the information he sought.
"Well I guess it couldn't hurt to relax a little first." he sighed.
"Great! Yo bartender guy!" she yelled, waiving her hand in Moe's direction. "Yoo-hoo, can we get a couple of drinks over here?"
"Oh yeah sure, just a sec-" Moe's words seemed to catch in his throat as he caught sight of her. It seemed he had already taken an instant liking to her. Either that or he was just surprised to see Smithers out with her. Perhaps it was a little of both.
"Hey guys, don't look now, but it seems the confirmed bachelor has found himself a fruit fly!" Moe announced. "And she's a real looker too!" The guys at the bar all looked over and Smithers suddenly felt very uncomfortable and held his forehead, aggravated by all of the unwanted attention.
"What you guys all stairin' at? My makeup all shmeered?" Stella looked around at everyone. She was pretty clueless as to what the big deal was. He supposed that he should have known better than to take her to Moe's, of all places. It wasn't exactly the best place for intelligent conversation.
"Alright Smithers! Way to go man!" cheered Carl.
"A woman?" asked Lenny, as he nudged Carl with his elbow. "But I always thought he was..."
Smithers' irritation was mounting. He didn't come here to make a spectacle of himself; he cleared his throat to speak.
"Would you all kindly go back to whatever you were doing? Stella and I have a lot of business to discuss."
Fortunately, the guys at the bar seemed to loose interest and turned back around to the bar; all but Moe, who slicked a comb though his hair quickly before strutting over to their table. Hmm, this should be interesting, Smithers thought. Moe seemed a much better match for Stella than he could ever be.
"So, your name is Stella huh?" asked Moe flirtatiously; his voice still as gruff and nasally as ever. "How about after I close up the bar, you and I go somewhere, like my place?" Smithers had never heard such a lame pickup-line. Did Moe really think he could get a woman like that? Surely she wouldn't fall for it.
"Aw, aren't you a cute one?" she said. "I'm sorry honey, but I've got my hands full with Waylon here. Well, I wish I did anyway! He's so good at playing hard to get!"
"Babe, you don't know the half of it!" said Moe, his voice laden with sarcasm, "Trust me, guys like him, they'll break your heart." Moe turned to Smithers, lowering his voice, "You leading this pretty lady on or somethin'? She does know about your uh... condition or whatever, right?"
"Condition? It's not like it's a contagious a disease you know." Smithers snapped irritably. Really, if Moe wanted her then that was fine, but he really wished the lecherous old bartender would go away for the moment so they could have a chance to talk.
"Moe, do you mind?" said Smithers.
"Ah whatever, I can tell when I'm not wanted. Anyway, can I get you two lovebirds anything? A beer maybe?"
"Yeah, that would be fine." he answered.
"I'll have the same." Stella added. Moe, slowly walked back to the bar, mumbling to himself.
"Just great... now he's stealing all the good woman..." he mumbled. "I have enough trouble as it is..."
Stella still had the same utterly clueless look on her face. With the way the guys around there were talking, it was only a matter of time before she figured out that he was pretty much off limits to her. Though, he really wanted to keep her interest long enough to get the information he needed. Maybe he was a little too good at playing hard to get. Maybe if he turned on the charm a little, it would help to move things along. Shouldn't be too hard, only he wasn't very sure how to go about such a task.
"Just pretend she is Mr. Burns." said Smithers, accidentally mumbling to himself.
"Pretend what? Who you talking to?" she asked.
"Oh nothing... It's only that..." he hesitated, searching for the right words. He reached across the table, stroking her hand gently yet unable to keep the shakiness from his voice, "Why should we pretend to play hard to get? It would be foolish to deny the chemistry that we share." Yeah that sounded good! Right out of one of those romance novels! This wasn't so hard. He leaned closer slightly, taking both of her hands in his own. Despite the sudden dryness in his throat, he persisted on with his seductive words.
"Especially in the presence of s-such a..." he found himself stuttering awkwardly as he noticed that Stella was gazing at him, drinking in his every word as if it were poetry. "Oh who am I kidding? I can't do this!"
"Ooh baby! You really know how to turn a girl on!" with that, Stella lunged towards him, grabbed him in a crushing embrace and planted a kiss on his lips. He was stunned! Maybe he had turned on the charm a little too much? He could hardly breathe and finally succeeded in escaping her grasp. He couldn't exactly remember the last time he had actually been kissed by a woman and the whole thing only made him even more aware of just how gay he really was.
"Oh, sorry babe, I got a little carried away there!"
"I'm sorry Stella but, I'm sortofalittlebitgay!" he blurted out, his words becoming all jumbled towards the end. He'd never really liked to talk about it much and found the words hard to admit, especially to someone he hardly knew. Admitting that you're gay is often said to be a freeing experience but to Smithers it only succeeded in making him feel nauseous.
"Huh?" Stella seemed to snap out of her daze and shook her head a little at the sudden outburst. "Forgive me but I'm a little farmisht here. What was that last part?"
"I-I meant that, uh well... I'm liberal." the words sounded strange even to himself. Only, he didn't really feel like having to admit it twice.
"Oh, you trying to say you're gay?" asked Stella, sitting back in her seat a little.
"Uh, not in so many words... but kind of."
"Well, I guess I should be thankful. I was starting to think I'd lost my touch." she paused, taking a moment to consider her words. "Can't say I'm not disappointed though. Every time I find Mr. Right, something like this always happens. I'm probably going to end up like one of those crazy cat ladies, just like my Aunt Freda!"
"Aw, don't talk like that; I'm sure you'll find someone. The minute you walked in, every guy in the room couldn't take their eyes off of you, especially Moe. I think he really likes you and he's a great kisser too." said Smithers. The fact that Moe had actually kissed him before out of curiocity almost slipping out, but he kept it to himself.
"What? Me and Moe?" she exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know. He is a little cute but... He's a little too much like my last boyfriend Anthony. We used to yell and fight like you wouldn't believe! Just the sight of that man-"
"Um Stella, I'm sorry to interrupt but, I'm kind of in a hurry. Mr. Burns is out there right now with that woman..."
"You know, I can understand you taking up for your boss and all, but I just don't get it. Why so protective over Mr. Burns?" she asked; a genuine look of curiosity written across her face. Maybe she already suspected that he had feeling for his boss. Could he really trust her with such things?
"Stella. This is strictly off the record now. I'm talking about nearly thirty years of service. I've got to know what she is planning. It has to do with my honor, my life... everything I put any value on."
The intimacy of the conversation was broken as Moe approached their table with a couple of Duff beers, plopping them down on the table in front of them. Both Stella and Smithers looked up at him frustrated. Moe, taking the hint, finally left. Smithers tried to resume his plea, but Stella interrupts him.
"Waylon, babe. This is Ms. Naegle we're talking about! People that don't play by her rules get... hurt." she said, with a certain cold, disdain as she spoke of Lindsey. It sort of reminded him of the way people often feared Mr. Burns. Lindsey wasn't one to be taken lightly.
"Don't quote rules, Stel! We're talking about loyalty. And sacrifice. I don't want to see him hurt again." Strange, thought Smithers; their conversation seemed vaguely familiar somehow. Had he heard it somewhere before or was it just that Stella was so easy to talk to?
"Now wait a minute!" said Stella. "This business about you and Mr. Burns... Honestly, I have never understood the depths that some would go to for their boss."
"Look, I don't really know how to explain it, but if there's even a chance that I can help Mr. Burns, then that is my responsibility." said Smithers.
"Yours...? Wait a sec. I can see that he is important to you, almost to the point of obsession! And as much as I'd like to role play old Star Trek dialogue with you, I think it would be best to warn you that what I'm about to tell you was told to me in the strictest of confidence."
"Fine, go on."
"Ever since I've known her, Ms. Naegle has been one to cozy up to the boss, always second in command, never the head-honcho. She wants ole Burnsie's title! Either that or marry him and take all his money. She told me all this herself!" said Stella excitedly.
"But I know Mr. Burns. He would never get married without signing a pre-nup that I, of course, would scan over with a fine tooth comb! Why do you think he never got married in the first place? Because marriage and kids would only distract from his favorite hobby."
"Oh? And what's that?" she asked.
"Making money."
"Waylon, I don't think you get it. She is very tricky. If you get in her way she'll turn him against you! If you care for Mr. Burns like you say you do, then you're going to have to go about this discreetly. Make Burns see for himself just what kind of person she is."
"You really think it's that serious?" asked Smithers.
"Yes! Mr. Burns seems kind of gullible to me and Lindsey can be... very persuasive." she warned gravely. If Neagle really was anything like Mr. Burns, then he knew the extent she could go to for revenge.
"You're right! I'd better call him right now and warn him!"
"Do you think he'll believe you?" she asked.
"I don't know, but I've got to do something!" Smithers pulled out his cell phone and dialed Burns' number. Smithers had recently gotten Burns a cell phone and made sure he kept it with him at all times in case of emergency. He only hoped that wherever he was, he would pick up.
"Oh please don't let Lindsey know I told you anything!" she whispered.
"Don't worry; I'll keep your name out of it."
He was actually starting to like Stella a little, even with all her eccentricities. Maybe they could actually even get along now that the pressure from her constant flirting was hopefully done with. Smithers listened to the other end of the line. He knew the phone was ringing. Why wasn't Burns answering? It had rang at least eight times already. Was Burns really that distracted by Lindsey? The possibilities of what they were up to were endless and it brought lots of really uncomfortable images to mind.
"Come on! Please pick up..."
- O - O - O -
Meanwhile, Mr. Burns and his date had spent the evening dancing and dining at the Chez Paree, an upscale restaurant on the other side of town. He didn't know much about Lindsey yet, but she had succeeded in keeping him entertained for a while. They'd talked about some of her past business achievements and some of her more impressive, cut-throat business tactics; she had even given Burns a few pointers. The only sour spot of the night had been when they were dancing. While upbeat sounds of Stevie Wonder echoed throughout the dance hall, Mr. Burns was looking for an escape route. If she stepped on his feet one more time he was sure they would fall off!
As much as he tried not to, he couldn't stop himself from wondering what Smithers was doing that night. It wasn't like him. He wasn't accustomed for his thoughts to be centered on Smithers for more that five minutes at a time, yet while he and Lindsey danced, he remembered the time that he had given Smithers a dancing lesson right before the boy's high school prom. Smithers didn't even want to go until Burns had offered to teach him. He had been a prominent figure in the man's life ever since. It made him wonder, just when this strange crush that Smithers had on him had developed. It seemed all too pedophiliac for Burns' taste.
With all these confusing thoughts about Smithers lately, it felt almost as if going out with Lindsey sort of softened the blow, as if in some strange way, it helped to affirm his heterosexual identity. After all, he certainly couldn't be attracted to both Lindsey and Smithers could he? At least that's how he rationalized it.
As he and Lindsey danced, a sudden high pitched beeping sound caught his attention. It was the perfect excuse to take a break and give his tired feet a rest. Burns pulled away from her and stood in the middle of the dance floor, looking around for the strange noise.
"Uh, Monty? I think you're beeping!" said Lindsey.
"Oh! I think it's that newfangled cell phone thing that Smithers gave me." he reached in his back pocket and grabbed his cell phone. He looked it over a few times curiously, all the while, the phone continued to ring. Lindsey stood nearby, hands on her hips as she waited for Burns to stop fiddling around with the phone.
"Now, how does this thing work again?" said Burns to himself. Smithers had given it to him and had tried to explain how it worked and its purpose, but to Burns, it was just another one of those modern, space-age gadgets with far too many buttons and flashy lights to be of practical use.
"Give me that thing!" Lindsey grabbed the phone from him and turned it off. "There, it was probably not important anyway."
"Thank you. That phone just creeps me out. Who knows who it could have been? They are called cell phones after all... probably someone calling from a prison cell somewhere."
"Oh forget it and let's get back out there and show these people some real dance moves! I think I'm really getting the hang of this!" said Lindsey as she bumped against Burns playfully with her hip, almost knocking him over.
"Oh no, I think I've had enough dancing for one night." said Burns weakly. The only thing he wanted to do was to go home and rest his aching feet.
"Aw, but the night is young and we haven't danced nearly enough yet!"
"I'm sorry, but I think I'm all danced out for the night." he said apologetically. "It's getting kind of late anyway. I had a lot of fun but I can't wait to get into bed and-"
"Ooh, you read my mind!" said Lindsey, grabbing onto his wrist. "Let's get out of here and go back to my place! I can't wait to get you all to myself."
"But Lindsey I-"
"I've got this fire place at home, maybe you could come with me and help me... light a fire?" she asked, suggestively running her fingers across Burns' chest.
"No, that's not what I meant. I think you misunderstood." Burns politely pushed her hands away. Did she really expect him to go home with her? It didn't know what to say. He was already suspicious of her from the beginning and he would have liked to have a little more time to figure her out first.
"Well you can tell me all about it when we get to my house." she persisted. She led him to the exit, dragging him along so that he had to practically run to keep up. When they got out to the street, Burns stopped in his tracks. He wasn't ready to go home with her no matter how modern he considered his sensibilities on relationships were. He got more enjoyment out of the thrill of courtship than just jumping into bed on the first date, thought he had been guilty of both in the past. What was wrong with him? Here he had a beautiful woman that he had lots in common with, ready an willing to do anything, yet he was hesitant? He still didn't trust her just yet.
"B-But Lindsey! Don't you think we're... rushing things a little? I really like you, but I hardly know you at all!" he stuttered. Lindsey suddenly pushed him up against the side of her car.
"Monty, I'm not asking. I'm taking!" said Lindsey passionately. She then kissed him just as eagerly as she had when they were in Burns' office earlier that day.
Hmm, at least I'm not thinking of Smithers this time... oh wait...damn!
Lindsey let go of him and they both took a moment to catch their breath.
"Well, maybe... maybe I could help you light that fire place." said Burns. "But I can't stay long; I've got work tomorrow." If there was one thing going for Lindsey, it was her persuasiveness. Burns didn't really know what to expect when they got to her house, but he had the feeling that she didn't even have a fireplace.
A.N. - Sorry about the liberal joke. I know that liberal doesn't equal gay, Smithers was just trying to worm his way out of an awkward conversation. Posted just in time for the weekend. It should get very interesting soon. I mean, secrets can't stay secrets forever. Thanks for all the comments!
