She picks the picture frame from the table, staring at it as if it is some kind of alien object, because for all intents and purposes, it is, even if the faces should not be. Ayanami's fingers trace over the image, tracing over a soft smile and eyes that look so very similar to her own but can not truly belong to her. They can not for though it seems normal to be smiling next to Ikari... who is that child held in her arms? That can not be hers, can it? She has no memory of it. That being, cradled in her arms between she and Shinji... is it really their child? How? And why... why can't she remember it? Why can't she recall memories that should be foremost in her mind?

All she remembers, all she can bring back, is the feelings of that nightmarish accident, of that incident which took away her ability to walk, leaving her in this chair, so when... when was it that she had a child? Is it even truly hers!?

She tosses the picture frame across the room, smashing it on the floor, glass shattering as she stares at it with a glare, lips curled in a frown. She has no memory of that. Has no memory... of the being in her arms.

She looks towards the night stand which holds other photos of herself and Ikari, of her wedding and being on a double date with ... Suzuhara... She turns away from the stinging images in her peripheral, no longer able to stand the sight of them. She'd thought for certain they would reveal the truth of what Ikari was hiding, of who he'd been with and who he'd had child with and yet... each and every photo is a memory with her. Each a memory she can recall. Each she can bring back to the center of her mind... each except for the image that lies broken on the floor now...

A new question crosses her thoughts. An uncertainty that bites at her mind.


"Am I... really the fifth?"

"Name?" the receptionist ask, her voice sounding hollow in his ears.

"Shinji Ikari," he says in an equally dead voice, eyes glancing back towards the woman as she scans the computer monitor before her, tapping lightly and quickly on the machine.

"The reason for your visit?"

"Visiting a patient in emergency care," he says. He's surprised at his composure at this time, at being able to say the words without much feeling. No, he thinks, that's not it. It's that he's still in shock. He hadn't expected to hear the news of this, hadn't expected to feel this way for a man he'd grown to hate for a long time. His lips curl in a frown, fingers tapping lightly at the counter as he considers his actions.

Should he... even be here? Really?

In his dreams that shadow behind the wheel, that glare of the high beam lights always transforms into Toji's face, a seeming dark gleam in his eyes as that machine crashes into Rei's body, ripping her away from his hands before slamming her into the tree not a few meters ahead. But he knows these are only dreams distorting reality. The truth is he hadn't even seen Toji. Only the glare of the light and the sudden loss of Rei's fingers around his. The crash, the sound of metal and bark crunching. That's all.

Rei hadn't even made a sound through it all. She'd just been pressed between the bark of the tree and the vehicle, the blood beginning to run from wounds he could not see. Only... the feel of her fingers, wet with blood as they grew colder in his grip and she shut her eyes, tears running down her cheeks as she tried to smile up at him sadly before fading away. Nothing. Nothing more than that. It was...

"Mr. Ikari?" a voice sounds sharply, cutting through his thoughts.

"Uh? Yes?" he ask, turning back towards the receptionist who stares at him with narrowed eyes, a frown creasing her lips. "I said he's on the third floor. Room D32. He's just getting out of surgery."

"Oh. Alright," he says quietly before turning to walk away.

"I know this is hard on you," she says. "He was probably a good friend."

Shinji is quiet for a moment before he answers.

"Yeah. Yeah, he was."

His feet echo hollowly on the floor as he turns away, walking down the hall, feeling so empty and alone, like he does in the inside. Where Rei used to be. He wonders about that when there are women who look like her both here and at home. So why can't he get over head passing? Why is he still afraid? Maybe because he's afraid of feeling that loss again? Except... now... it's someone he hadn't expected to lose. Of all people... he hadn't expected to hear this of Toji.

He still remembers that idiot's stupid grin as he'd smile back at him, slapping Shinji in the back in a good natured gesture. How... he thinks, how had things turned so badly between them? Why... why does it hurt so much now when the man had already caused such pain? Is it memories of that friendship and thinking they'll never rekindle it again? Is that why he is sad, or is it... something else?

As he walks towards the elevator, stepping inside, he hears a feminine voice speak to him.

"Shinji? Wait."

Eyes look towards Ritsuko Akagi as she rushes towards the elevator. He does not hesitate, pressing the button to shut the door, the double doors slipping closed... or so he'd wish as her hand slips through and the doors open wide to admit the woman inside.

"Well," she says, stepping forward, "that was certainly rude."

He glares at her before turning away, hands curling and uncurling. He wishes to say so many things, but he's no longer sure what words he is supposed to say.

"I'd think you'd be thanking me, after what happened those years ago," she says quietly. "But... you don't really hate him, do you? The only thing you really hate, is yourself, for being too weak to do anything about it, aren't you?"

He stares wide eyed, lips parted as he regards the woman. She regards him quietly and shakes her head sadly.

"I'd say stop blaming yourself for what happened, but that's unlikely, isn't it?"

"I... should have done something. Pushed her out of the way. Pulled her back. Something... but..."

"And now...?" she ask.

"I shouldn't have let Rei stay there. If she wasn't over at Toji's then..."

"But she was, and things happened," says Ritsuko flatly.

The woman chuckles, shaking her head.

"I fucked up. Shinji... I know this may sound hollow... but, I'm sorry."

He regards her face, wanting to hold that anger, but feels it slipping, that glistening wetness running down her cheeks. Just like when he was punching Toji on the floor, screaming at him. And all the while, the man had been crying, not even fighting back. He'd just stared back with tear filled eyes, a smile wishing to break at any second, whispering, "I'm sorry."

Shinji turns away, unable to handle the emotions anymore. It would be so much easier if only he was the one damaged. If he could just blame himself alone, but.. It dawns on him, the whole world is fucked up, and he doesn't know what to do about that.


She rocks back and forth on the seat, holding the baby against her chest, the small child mumbling against her. He doesn't scream or cry, which is good as she wouldn't be able to hold the small modicum of control she is able to if he had. Dr. Akagi may think of her as a doll, as robotic, but honestly... it's the only way she is able to function when things like this occur.

She stares blankly towards the emergency room doors, towards the room, hearing mumbling from the other side, the murmur of doctors and staff as they work on Suzuhara, trying to salvage what remains of his life. She stares with dull eyes and thinks, it could be her on the other side of those doors right now, with none to see or watch over her as she struggles for life. Except... when that horror of a year ago was about to repeat itself, it was the man who'd hit her initially who stepped in to take the brunt of the blow. How is she to respond to that? To respond to the notion that the one who'd taken her life, now tried to save it at the sacrifice of his own for it? It is all... so...

"Confusing," she whispers. Why... are people.. So confusing? They move upon actions that do not make sense. Like.. Ikari. Shouldn't he be here with her now? Instead he is...

"Rei?" says a voice quietly from a distance. It is such that she'd barely notice it when she sees Ikari's face, his eyes wide in fear and surprise. She wonders at that when he runs towards her suddenly, closing the distance between them in seconds, arms wrapping around her frame, bringing her in tightly against his body, even as the baby moans in distress.

"Sh-shinji?" she ask, more in surprise than anything. After all this time that he's been pushing her away, why is he suddenly like this? It confuses her.

"I was so worried, Rei!" he says in an almost pitiful voice, wet tears running down her cheek. "I was so worried! I'm ... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry!"

And even as Shinji holds her body close, the scent of Ikari's hair against her nose, she can only think... everything around her is so confusing. This is what she wanted, for Ikari to hold her like this, to want her again. So why... does she feel so.. numb? Why can't things be... simple?