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Warning: I'm sorry I had to please don't hurt me…evil cliffhanger alert
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Chapter 11
Tosh, Owen and Ianto had gotten into several private conversations that day. Gwen had no doubt that it was about her and Jack. Just how much had they heard? And just how much were they going to torture her about it?
Gwen tried focusing on the latest report she was supposed to be typing up, but her thoughts kept returning to the certain feel of Jack's body pressed so close to her and the way he kissed her. The cute confused expression he had on his face.
"What is this thing you've done to me," he asked.
She should really ask him the same question. All she did was think about him and what it'd be like if he did tell her something real. How she would feel if he told her the words she so desperately want to hear pass from his lips. The man was a conundrum unfortunately. He kept her at a distance. She barely knew him and yet she was head over heels in love with him.
How long could she possibly go on like this? But he asked her to meet him after everyone left. That had to be a good sign, wasn't it?
She slumped back in her chair and let out a long breath. Over the time she had been working for Torchwood, she had contemplated all the possibilities that would finally end her. It could have been a case gone wrong, a bullet from a stray gun, alien dissection or maybe just being in the wrong place at the wrong time on a sunny, normal day in Cardiff. None of them measured up to what she considered would be her absolute greatest downfall and that was Captain Jack Harkness.
Jack Harkness. He could outdo Don Juan and make a fool of Casanova. He knew everything about anything, he knew about the future and he was one of the sweetest men she had ever met. He also seemed to have knack for constantly getting not only on her nerves, but in her head.
She hit the keys on the keyboard in frustration and put her face in her hands. Whatever she did her mind always returned to him. She sighed as she felt a headache coming on. It was going to be a long day.
"Gwen? You alright?" Tosh asked after an hour or so.
She had been staring out into space and the report was not even close to finished.
"Yes," she squeaked and covered her mouth.
She felt like a guilty schoolgirl who was doing something she shouldn't. What she had done, she had no idea, but she had a feeling it had something to do with the image of Jack's very toned chest reeling in her mind as Tosh began to talk.
She cleared the back of her throat and spoke more clearly, "Yes, yes. I'm fine. Just a bit…thoughtful."
Tosh nodded and took a seat opposite her, "I know how you feel."
"I trust you saw…" Gwen gestured towards the direction of the showers.
"Well, not much although Jack's got a rather sweet arse," Tosh blushed.
Gwen who had been so tense about the whole situation began to laugh. She hadn't even thought of Jack's arse and had completely forgotten to check it out because she was in a total state of shock.
"What did you hear?" Gwen asked as she finally calmed down.
"Well, we couldn't really hear considering the showers. Owen made a bet that you two were shagging and Ianto seemed to think not because…well anyways," said Tosh embarrassed, "Just what did happen, if I may ask that is?"
"We just…talked."
"Talked?"
"He kissed me, but that was about it."
Gwen had no idea why she was telling Tosh this. Maybe she just needed to talk to someone about it because the whole situation was driving her mad. She could do with the opinion of another woman. A little heart to heart kind of thing.
"Are you and him…is it official, for lack of a better word," Tosh seemed to become interested.
Gwen sighed, "I don't know. This man is…he really is ridiculous. With him it's like I don't know what's hot or cold or if hot is cold. Which is left or right, up or down or if down is right or left is up. He is just-"
"-Jack."
Gwen nodded, "Just Jack and I've gotten myself into a bit of a mess haven't I?"
Tosh leaned forward, "You fell in love with him, didn't you."
"I'm sorry to be telling you all this," Gwen started, but Tosh shook her head.
"I'm glad that you told me. I think you should tell him."
"Telling him is not the problem though. If I wanted to I could easily waltz right up to his office and say Jack Harkness be mine, but…there are just so many complications even if he did feel the same way. Jack doesn't do normalcy and I won't force him into that. And then there's the whole not dying thing. And Jack also has a tendency to shag anything that's gorgeous enough, no strike that, anything with a pulse will just plain do."
"Have you told him this?"
"I don't think I need to," said Gwen as she slouched back in her chair again, "He's been around awhile, I'm pretty sure he knows how the story goes."
"Gwen, you shouldn't think about the future so much. You two are so in tune with each other and if it's something you both want you shouldn't care about what's to come. Just enjoy now because you might never get another chance."
"Thanks, Tosh," Gwen said although the advice didn't really seem comforting.
Gwen grinned to the other woman trying to look reassured though she only felt frustrated. It was a nice thought though. Enjoy now because you might never get another chance. Stop it, she told herself, before long Owen would start directing the usual emo comments from Ianto to her. She couldn't think about it anymore. Not until tonight.
The clock seemed to not go fast enough and as soon as Tosh, Owen and Ianto left the Hub bidding their goodbyes on the way out. Gwen sighed. It was time.
As Gwen went to stand up, she felt two hands working on her shoulders.
"You're so tense," he told her as he began to massage her muscles. He came closer whispering in her ear, "You should relax more."
A shiver went down her spine and she tried to suppress a moan from escaping. His hands were magic. Gwen tried to remember what they were supposed to be doing which should be talking, but the way he so caressingly relaxed her moving from her shoulder to the nape of her neck and that thing he did…
"Oh…" Jack smiled his tongue in between his teeth sticking out at her reaction and very pleased with himself.
He enjoyed her response. The way her head was falling back and the way her skin felt beneath his fingers was heaven.
Gwen found her self control again and lifted herself from the chair and away from his grasp.
"This…" the words were barely forming as she tried to think through what she was going to say. She could still feel his hands on her even though they were no longer there.
"You didn't like it," he asked.
"Yes- no. It was, God, it was fantastic, but this is exactly what drives me insane and not in the good way you're thinking, so wipe that smirk off your face," she warned, "You send me mixed signals, Jack. I don't know what you want and you can't seem to give me a straight answer."
"What kind of answer are you looking for?"
"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about," she took a deep breath as she began her next sentence, "Jack, you caught me in the shower off guard and asked me to meet you after everyone left. Why? Was there something that needed to be said?"
Jack gaped at her. In honest truth he didn't know how to plan this night properly. He didn't know what he was going to say or what to do, but this woman was wearing her heart out waiting for him to say something. Anything.
He walked towards her and put his hand in hers, stroking the tender skin sweetly and looked at her. He had played enough games. He had a feeling he was going to screw this up. When it came to emotions and feelings he was never good at it. For crying out loud, he knew he was in love with her and he just couldn't admit it.
"The moment I first met you," he began, "I immediately took to you. I don't know why, but I just felt like there was something there. And after you remembered and I was given the choice to retcon you or not again, I realized I didn't want to lose that feeling. I'm not very good at this, but… look how far we've come, Gwen. Tonight I just want to be with you. No aliens, no problems, no…I know it doesn't sound like a reasonable offer, but it's all I can without either of us getting hurt."
"What do you mean tonight you just want to be with me?"
Jack pressed a button on his watch and music erupted throughout the Hub. He pulled her to him his right hand trailing her waist as he pulled up his left hand with her hand in it. Ella Fitzgerald was playing. "Misty" Gwen noted as Jack began to move them to the music.
She put her head on his chest taking in the scent that was unmistakably Jack. She should be yelling at him for leading her on like this. The whole thing with the kiss at the stripper joint, the chance for him to get out of it and him not taking it in the archives, the shower and now this. But he knew her too well. She fell weak at the knees for this man.
She knew he had some kind of twisted sense of love for her in that head of his, but he just couldn't come out and say it. And here they were. Dancing. And tomorrow they'd go on like it never happened. It was what he wanted. He just wanted a memory and because she was aware of the fact that he couldn't die and she knew how much he hated it, he'd use her compassion to get it with no strings attached.
Jack's head rested on hers as he danced with her. His eyes were wet. He should have been enjoying this. Gwen had agreed to stay for this one night without fighting. Let him have this, so he could reflect years from now, how it felt to dance with Gwen. How it felt to have her so close and yet so far.
He wanted to tell her. He wanted to just let it all out in the moment, but as he looked at her he felt cowardice creep within his veins and the desire to protect her from a heart wrenching romance that like all things would eventually come to an end. She deserved better.
As the song came to an end and Nino Rota's and Andre Rieu's Romeo and Juliet love theme was beginning, Gwen felt a tear roll down her cheek, but she wiped it away before he noticed. She wasn't going to add tears to this memory.
"I'm tired," she said in his chest and smiled briefly just to calm herself, "I'm just so goddamn tired."
He looked down at her, lost in his embrace, and smiled. He pulled back some of the hair to reveal her pretty face.
"I think it's time for bed then," he told her.
It was unlike him to say such a thing without it being a line. But he didn't want sex, he just needed intimacy with her.
Gwen stood up to full height as he led her holding her hand to his office. He opened the latch to his bedroom and climbed down the stairs. Gwen followed, but before she made it to the last step Jack took held of her waist and placed her gently on the ground.
"Thanks," she told him quietly.
He nodded and went to his wardrobe picking out some pajamas and a toothbrush. He handed them to her.
"Bathroom's just over there," he told her pointing.
She nodded and shut the door behind her. She changed into the blue striped pajamas he gave her; having a feeling he never actually wore them before considering the price tag was still on them. They were a bit big, but comfortable. She brushed her teeth, placed her folded clothes on a chair and came out to find Jack only in boxers sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
It felt like a mistake. A wonderful mistake, but a mistake nonetheless. He didn't want her getting confused. This thing they had couldn't happen and it pained him knowing that it couldn't happen.
She stood for a few minutes watching him. When he didn't take notice of her she quietly walked over to him, kneeling in front of him and cupping a hand under his chin. He looked at her and she at him. She nodded her understanding to him and moved forward slowly, her eyes fluttering and kissed him softly, the unspoken things between them lingered in the air. He tenderly and leisurely deepened the small kiss, his hand moving from the bed to her hair pushing it behind her ear. It wasn't passionate or desperate; it was soft with a need of unrecognized love.
As surely as she had begun, she had pulled away. Their eyes locked. His look told her everything. Her look told him everything. She stood up. His eyes never leaving her as she climbed into his bed and motioned for him to come next to her.
He lay beside her. He laid his arm over her pulling the covers on them and pulling her closer. He tightened his arm around her, never wanting to let go. He wanted to shut out the sun just so he could live in this night forever.
Her hand found his and she pulled it close under her neck. He leaned up to look at her face and she turned her head to look at his. He kissed her again, making sure to never forget the feel of her lips. She kissed back with more love then she was letting on.
They pulled away slowly as she settled her head on the pillow. He lingered for a moment before doing the same. He slung a leg over hers wanting to be as close as possible. He hoped it was okay, but as she didn't seem to respond to it, he assumed so.
He pressed a kiss to the back of her head as he fell into a comfortable rest. Even if he couldn't tell her in words, he hoped that his actions let her know how much she meant to him.
She did know it. She knew it so much it hurt her. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
She couldn't keep doing this. She couldn't live off of an unrequited love. Her heart was breaking that bit more every day. She made a decision. This memory as beautiful as it was would mean nothing to her soon enough. She had to quit Torchwood.
