Chapter 11. This is nothing like him
Light knock on Hotch door made him open his red eyes. But that was all he did to react to the knock. He didn't get up, he didn't go to the door. He just lied on his sofa, in the dark living room of his. He's shades were closed, he had no lights on. He wasn't even sure was it day or night. He had lost the track of time. But if someone knocked on his door, it couldn't be very late.
He wanted to shout to him, whoever it was, to go away. He didn't want to see anyone, ever again. He just wanted to be alone. Die alone. He had no one anymore. He had nothing to live for anymore.
" Aaron? I know you're in there. Just please, open the door. " Jessica's small voice echoed inside through the wooden door. " Please? " She tried to knock once again, but didn't get response to it. She was scared that he's done something to himself, and not just a little scared. Jack was Hotch's everything. Jack was Hotch's world.
Jessica put's her forehead to his apartment's door, and let her tears flow down. " Aaron. I don't know if you're conscious or anything, but I just want you to know one thing. You are not alone. We are here, if you want to talk, if you don't want to be alone. We are here. " Her voice broke. " Please. "
" Hey. " Rossi's voice made her jump. He stand behind her with JJ and Garcia.
" H-hey. Sorry. I didn't hear you coming. " Jessica wiped quickly her tears. Rossi nodded towards the door. " No. Nothing. I'm scared that.. " Jessica tried to talk, but her voice broke.
" I know. " Rossi said sadly, and went to the door. He knocked on it, and tried to listened if he heard anything from inside. But nothing. Not even one little noise to confirm he was still even alive. " Hotch? You there? "
Hotch didn't answer. * Why people don't get it. I want to be alone. I don't want anyone's pity. I just want to die. Just please, leave me alone. Go before I get you killed too. * Hotch though, but decided not to talk.
" I know you're there, and I know you are listening. Don't make me to kick this door down to get in. " Rossi knocked again. " You know I will do that if I have to. "
Hotch was exhausted. He hasn't slept, he hasn't eaten, he's done absolutely nothing. And his apartment was mess. Books, clothes, papers and everything were on the floor. But he was too tired to care.
5 stages of grief. That thought was rolling inside his head.
*Denial and Isolation. I don't deny it. He's gone. But soon, so will I, so who cares. * Hotch ran his fingers through his short , dark brown hair.
*Anger. Hell yeah I'm angry. Well, at least to myself. Bargaining. If I could have done something to help. He would be still here, if.. * It all hit him at once. He was sick, he had this disease. He should have seen that. He couldn't see that his son was sick. They could have cured him, if he would have noticed the signs. *He would be alive if.. * He felt like he couldn't breath. * if I would have been there with him. If I had been better father to him.*
Tears started falling down his cheeks again. Just thinking about it hurt so badly. He blamed himself all the time, but now he had evidence that he could have done something.
Depression. He wasn't depressed, he was broken. Broken by way, what could never be fixed.
" Acceptance. I'm not accepted that he is gone. And I never will. " Hotch whispered.
" Aaron. All I'm saying is that I'm worried about you. We all are. " David said with his warm and soft tone to his best friend he was scared to lose.
" You can't keep going on like this. It's gonna kill you. " JJ said and looked at Rossi. She gave him this ' What do we do now ' look.
* That is exactly what I'm trying to do. * Aaron thought and closed his eyes again.
" Jack would not want you to give up, Hotch. You think this is what he would have wanted? He wants you to be happy, he don't want you to suffer or cry. " Garcia tried to stay strong, but it was hard.
" You are his hero. And no one will take that away. Not even now, when.. " Jessica stopped. She let out a deep breath, and looked at the others. " Heroes don't give up. And you are a hero. Ask anyone. I know you feel you have nothing to live for, like you don't mean anything to anyone anymore. But that's not true. But I get it. You don't want to talk. So we leave. But before that, I want you to know one thing. You are not alone. There are so many people around you to help you back up, back to your feet. Just let us help. "
Hotch opened his eyes. Looked at the door of his apartment. He hoped that he could just end all this. He wanted to give up. He couldn't do this anymore.
" You have your team, you have me. You will always be part of my family, and I care about you, no matter what happens. I'm always here if you need me. If you need us. That's all you need to know. I just wish you could see yourself the way we see you. I wish you could believe me. " Jessica started crying. Garcia went to her and hugged her.
Hotch heard his ex-sister in law sobbing behind his front door. It was painful. She's been gone through a lot too. He felt so bad for her, wanted to go to her, and hug her tight. But somehow, he couldn't move.
" I just hope you keep fighting this fight. I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. But like I promised, we're gone. You know where to find us, if you need us. " Jessica sobs quietly, and Rossi nods to her.
They went to the stairs, and straight down. JJ went last, after hesitating for a few moments, staring the wooden door of his with golden numbers 121 on it.
" I'm not going to let you do anything to yourself. I just can't. Not you too. " JJ whispered with few tears in her eyes.
" Jeyje. You coming? " Garcia asked.
" I'll be right there. I just want to do one thing first. I'll catch you up. " JJ said quickly, and went back up. She went to his door.
" Aaron. Can you do me a favor? Please, tell me that you are conscious, and listening. Please. " JJ's voice shakes a little.
Hotch looks at the door, and throws a book towards it. " Enough? " Hotch said, and jumped his own voice. He's not spoke in day's , and his voice was weak and dry. Not that normal voice of his, and it felt weird. To JJ and to himself.
JJ smiled sadly to the door. " Hotch. I know you. You blame yourself for all of this. I get it. But please. Don't give up. Please? I need you. We all need you. But, I want you to know one more thing. You know I lost my sister when I was just a child. The same way you are thinking to do. I know you are. " JJ took a deep breath before continuing. It hurts to think his good friend, a person who's been like brother to her, lying somewhere in his apartment, alone and broken. And there was nothing she could do to help him. " But I wish you could do one thing, before even considering it. You really want us to suffer that much. You have no idea how much you really mean to us. You are more than a friend. You are family. You are like brother to me, you've always been. I don't… " She broke. She fell to her knees and started crying.
Aaron didn't want her to suffer. He didn't want her to get hurt, and it felt bad to hear her like that. He cared about her, very much. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her, or for any of his team members.
" I can't lose you too, Aaron. I don't want to lose you. I've lost enough. If I lose you too, I have no idea what to do. I love you, Aaron. All I'm asking, please, try to hold on. I know it's hard. But for me. For us. " She cries, and gets up. " But I'm gone now. I wish you could let us help you. Let me help you. I feel so useless, so awful person. I don't want you to be alone, I don't want you to suffer. You are not alone. " She whispered while wiping her tears away from her face. " I'm sorry. " Those words didn't came out of her mouth anymore. She walked back to stairs, and met Rossi on them.
" How long have you been standing there? " She asks.
" Long enough. C'mon. Let's go. "
" Will he ever be okay? Will he ever come back to work?" She asked quietly.
" I don't know Jeyje. I don't know. " Rossi said when they came to the street floor.
" Dave, we can't lose him. " JJ cried, and Rossi pulled her closer, and wrapped his arms around her. He didn't say a word, just stayed there hugging her.
" We should go. " She whispered, and pulled off from the hug.
" After you. " He said and held the door open for her. She walked out to the car where Garcia was already sitting on.
" Hey you. " She said softly to the blond agent who went to back seat with her.
" Hey. "
" Are you okay? " She asked.
JJ looked at the beautiful blond woman next to her, with light make up. Not that usual million colors make up she usually has. She smiled at her sadly. " I will be, Pen. " She turned to look at Hotch's apartments windows. They were covered with white curtains. All of them. " I will be. "
Rossi started driving and they saw how the green penthouse, with text ; 715 The Langham, was left behind them.
Hey. Here it is again. I hope you liked it, and like always, I would really appreciate if you could use a few moments of your time to type me a review.
But , anyways. I try to update as soon as I can. Our school started this week again so it's taking my time pretty much. I hope you understand that. But I update as soon as possible. Just try to stick with me, okay? Thanks.
