Thankyou to 'Norpan' for shifting me away from insecurity and back into writing.
Hope the length and content makes up for the wait.
Many thanks, Tj. xx
Two days have passed without any contact with Jane. The disappointment of not receiving any reply to her voicemail and having no luck in locating her weighed heavily on Maura's heart. Her posture sagged and her mind lacked any real focus. She couldn't perform her duties to her normal standards, and so spent her days delegating her workload wherever possible so she could track down anyone who might lead her to Jane.
Knowing the Rizzoli's as she did, she questioned them first, but to no avail. Frankie and Tommy weren't willing to play informant, with both of them referring to a safe place for Jane, but in no way alluding to where it was. It hurt, but in some ways, it wasn't surprising. And strangely, Angela had gone missing too. Stanley, her boss at the coffee shop, said she'd received a call late yesterday afternoon and left, with her return yet to be advised. He was furious, but also knew the woman had made quite an impression on the place and if he fired her, he'd have a swarm of unhappy officers and hell to pay.
Today, Korsak convinced Frost to lend a hand by GPS tracking both women's mobiles, but again, the prospect of chance let them down. Both phones were switched off, and Jane had been as thorough in life as she often was with her detective work. All three were left in the dark, crushed by the dead end, but for the first time in weeks, they resided on a similar path, linked together for their own reasons; concern for a friend, or guilt and a need to appease.
Maura made to follow Korsak out of the computer lab ready to give up and head home, but Frost spoke up asking for her attention. She turned to find him very close, swallowing and smoothing down his tie. He was uncomfortable, and she looked back to where Korsak had exited wishing he would return. She wasn't ready for this, for another possible confrontation. She was stretched enough as it is.
"Yes, Detective?"
"Listen, um... forget about what I said about you calling me 'Detective'. I was too hard on you."
"Oh." This wasn't what she was expecting. "If you wish, Barry." But she could feel him preparing himself for something else.
"Remember all that bullshit I said about gun handling and instinct?"
She takes a breath. "Yes… I do recall."
"Well, that's exactly what it was, bullshit." He looks away, through the tinted glass and out to the corridor.
"I don't understand." She clasps her fingers. "I think… in all fairness you made a valid point. I understand that on some level I expected too much of Jane."
"Yeah you did…"
And her heart just rammed right up into her throat. 'No, not again…'
"… but that doesn't change the fact that what I said, is exactly the way I failed Jane."
His jaw clenches and his arms cross, strengthening his resolve for his confession.
"I didn't protect her… I did what every cop shouldn't. I thought of the consequences before my partner's safety. I left her with no choice… she had to take the shot."
It took Maura a few seconds to catch up, reliving the harsh words of his prior monologue. "So, when you said all of those things to me, you were expressing guilt?"
He huffed. He didn't want to name it. He was frustrated enough by his own inadequacies.
"And that speech regarding my naivete and my… what was it? 'Sitting high and mighty on my tree-top?' You were actually berating yourself for your own lack of action?"
He tried not to deflect with anger. He knew it was time for him to face the truth, but it was difficult. He took pride in being an officer, but if you don't have your partner's back, you ain't got shit and had no right being on the job. He sucked it up though. After all, Maura had been facing her harsh truths all day, and if she could do it, so could he.
"Look…" He wipes his mouth and settles his hands on his hips, fingering his badge. "I stand by Jane on this one, and I have from the start. He was gonna fire at us, of that I have no doubt, but I should've been the one to take him down." He points at his chest. "I should've protected my partner first and thought of your connection with Doyle last, but I couldn't." He softens and looks away, anywhere but at her. "You've left a mark on me, doc, and it's got me clouded… I just… I just couldn't respond the way I should have, but it won't happen again."
Something very genuine was being expressed here. Something intimate Maura had been unaware of. His affections flattered her but on the whole, it was unwanted. She straightened and became resolute. With a small pat, she says, "Don't feel guilty, Barry. Just help me find her."
And she leaves, the weight on her shoulders seeming that little bit lighter.
Jane had heard Maura's message yesterday.
When Nonna had taken her leave to go to the butchers, leaving strict instructions for her granddaughter to shower before dinner, Jane had sat in her bedroom wondering if the world was missing her. She checked her messages and immediately began grumbling upon hearing Korsak's voice. "Told you the damn phone would be off…"
It was an old message from the day before.
"Hey Janie…"
"Don't call me Janie…"
"Just wanted to make sure you got to where you're going… um… Frost is sulking into his tie and it's kinda pathetic… not the same here without you… ha, look at me, gettin' all sentimental…"
"God, Korsak…" she scoffs, deleting him mid-message but unable to stop the smile from escaping.
Next she hears something strange, a lengthy void of background noise preceding a possible caller. She nearly skips it to move on, but there's something in the background that she recognises. A few stumbling cracks of sound permeate the background and then she hears it… it's Maura's voice, and it's startling how fragile she sounds.
"Jane… It's… so nice to hear your voice... I heard of your resignation… I only hope that you're alright… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for you to… well, I'm sorry... I hope we can talk soon… if you would be willing. Goodbye."
She listens so intensely that by the end of the message she's forgotten she's alone. She sits and stares at the phone, hitting replay and putting it on speaker so as to provide tangibility to the doctor's voice. There was no mistaking it. The long awaited opportunity of reconciliation was finally on offer, but sitting there, listening again, she knows she's not ready. The need for their connection is strong, but to take a dive after all the hurt, while the pain is still so fresh on both sides, was a hard task to handle.
Jane saves the recording unsure of her next move. For now she needs the distance she's created, and time to heal. As she showers a plan forms, and she hopes the one person who counts the most won't think the worst of her when it's enacted.
Maura arrives home tired and disappointed, but before she can drop her keys and check the single message blinking at her on her answering machine, a delicious smell assaults her senses. It was the epitome of home cooking, Rizzoli cuisine, and as she pauses to acclimatise, a familiar shuffle is aimed in her direction.
"Hi, sweetheart."
The world is playing tricks on her. It must be.
"Angela…"
"Come on… dinners ready." With a flick of the wrist, she's guided open mouthed to her own kitchen counter. "I'm bettin' you haven't eaten a thing all day."
She sits on a stool, dumbfounded. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because you were family before all this mess, and you're still family now."
"But… with the way things are between Jane and I… I thought you wouldn't..."
"I may not have raised you honey, but that doesn't mean I don't know and love you as my own. Besides, dinner may have been prompted by another child of mine, who can't stop herself from worrying about you."
Jane…
"I've wanted to be here Maura. I just didn't know if you wanted me to be."
Tears dwell at the thought of having alienated the woman whose felt more like a mother to her than her own. "I'm so sorry, Angela. I've been so confused… so torn apart by my emotions…"
Her face is held in a loving grip and she's interrupted. "It's okay, sweetie. I made a mistake by sitting back in the hopes you'd come to me, but Janie helped me understand that that's is something you'd rarely do."
Having her weakness pointed out to her is hard to take, and she pulls away from Angela's intensity. Regardless, the older woman just keeps on talking.
"One thing everybody knows about me is that I don't hesitate in meddling in my kids' affairs… so I asked myself, why should you be any different?" She scoops some Ravioli onto a plate and sets it in front of the blonde. "It's time for some tough love, sweetheart… you and I are gonna do some soul searching, and if you care about Janie as much as I think you do, you'll be with me every step of the way."
She sits next to Maura with her own plate full. "So, are we clear?"
Maura can only nod.
"Good. You're a Rizzoli now… and we Rizzoli's don't let nothing come between us."
Some time later...
"Where is she?" Maura speaks into the depths of her pasta.
"At her home, away from home."
"But… why won't you tell me where she is? I just want to apologise… "
"Maura…"
"Is this how it's always going to be? Will I never be forgiven?"
"Honey," Angela reaches for her, rubbing her wrist rhythmically with her thumb. "Janie just needs a little time. You owe it to her to give her that, don't you think?"
"I understand I haven't been behaving rationally…"
"And who the hell could? When a man who keeps coming into your life pretending that he gives a damn, pretending to be your father only to thrust a gun in your face..!"
"I don't believe he would've ever intentionally hurt me…"
"But he did!"
Angela grabs hold of her arm more firmly. "Listen to me… what kind of mother would I have been if I'd knowingly lead Hoyt to Janie's doorstep?"
"What? But you would never..!"
"That's right… but every time Patrick Doyle showed his face, he led his enemies straight to you! It'd be the same as me knowing who Hoyt was, and what he was capable of, of lettin' him follow me right to Janie's front door! He could've protected you from a distance, sweetheart, but he didn't… and with each step he forced his choices to become your own, by making you keep quiet, by making your friends keep your secret, when any one of them should've just arrested him."
Maura was beginning to feel sick. "How do you know all this?"
"I told you I could'a been a detective." A glimmer of no good sparkles in her eyes. "Never under-estimate a mother's need to know when it comes to her kids."
She releases her arm and brushes the hair away from Maura's face.
"Which leads me to my next question… are you really mad at Janie for the shooting, or for sleeping with Agent Dean?"
Maura's heart stops and her blood pressure rises. She stares down at her plate for too long, craving an escape. Seeking refuge in her wine, she manages, "I'm not sure… I understand the question."
"You understand plenty, and don't tell me any different."
Being on the pointy end of the matriarch's index finger was intimidating to say the least. She tries for stalling.
"Angela, honestly… I not sure I understand what you're implying…"
"Nu-uh…" The mother waves her fork. "Not this time, genius." She shoves her plate away and leans on the marble table-top, elbows and all. "It's time you admitted where all this is coming from. It's time you both did. She's a mess, our Janie, and it's not the usual 'I've had a fight with my best friend' kinda mess. It's more than that… and she told me what you said when you argued. Do you wanna know what stood out for me the most?"
Maura shook her head, no. She didn't want to know, but that wouldn't stop Angela.
"If it was anyone else but you, Jane… That's what you said, wasn't it?"
"I… well, I… well, yes, but…"
"Anyone but you," Angela repeated softly.
Again, a newly formed intimacy is settling between Maura and another. Rarely has she encountered such clarity, or shared such an open form of soul searching, but today was the master of all days for it.
"I know you and Jane have always been close. A mother notices these things, y'know? You can get that girl to do just about anything and it's not all because she's got a good heart. Trust me, honey... all she does is because it's you... It's time, Maura… It's time to acknowledge what it is about your relationship with Jane that's made this so hard to for you to deal with."
Before going to bed, after an exhausting and emotionally challenging evening, Maura finally listens to the message that's been awaiting her attention. What she hears bring more tears, and hope for tomorrow.
"Hi Maura… well, this is my voice."
It was Jane.
"I thought you might wanna hear it a little more after the message you left… and… I might've wanted to hear yours too, so…"
She gives a weary sigh and it tugs at Maura's heartstrings. It was strange hearing her friend this way, digitalised and lacking tone.
"I hope Ma doesn't put you through the ringer too much tonight. I know you'll think me a coward, sending her in my place, but that's the best I can do for now... I've gotta be honest with you… I need to know you really want this before I come back, and that, when I see you next, you'll be able to look me in the eye and not just see what I've done… what I had to do… so um, I'm gonna be outta range for a while. I haven't resigned. Sounds like you heard the rumour-mill first and not the real deal but, it's okay, I'm still a cop. Don't get the guilt's too much over it, okay?"
There's a pause and Maura's brow wrinkles while she waits.
"I need this, Maura… I've been running close to the edge for too long and it's time I took a break to see what I really want… I'd still like to hear from you... We could exchange messages or somethin'. You know, like letters but…" And then she huffs, whispering, "This is stupid…" and then the line cuts off.
Maura chants frantically, "No, no, no, no, no…" hitting the play button again, pursing her lips and fidgeting. She listens and Jane's tactics becomes clear. It was time for her to speak in certain terms, with Jane giving her plenty of time to think so as not to be mistaken. And she was still there for her, in the form of her mother... she still cared enough, and that meant the world to Maura.
She saves the message and speaks out loud as if she's not alone. "Alright, Jane, we'll play it your way."
Please review. Thanks. :) xx
