Sorry for not updating in ages, but now I have the bug, the writing bug that is, and I want to continue with this story. I also just watched Trainspotting, and as it deals with Heroin, and part of it shows the withdrawals…although not much, I think that's what made me want to write more of this story.

I also want to take the chance to mention about my new Shane West forum. If you are interested, please visit my profile and follow the link there.

O.K, now that the self promotion is over, on with the story.

Also the song in this chapter is Linkin Parks 'Crawling'


Chapter 11 – Crawling


It was only about twenty minutes after Kerry had left and Ray was lying in the dark of the room again. He was tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable position to lie in now that he had begun to feel a pain in his stomach like nothing else. Twisting and turning, the blanket which had been covering him were falling off the bed, the corner the only part still on him. He also noticed that he had returned to feel like ice, although in reality he was burning up, sweat beaded along his brow.

Curled up on the bed Ray couldn't stop the low moan that escaped his throat, which was still dry and sore, making his moan sound more like a pained cry, which it could have very well been. Pushing himself up on his elbows, Ray swore that he had seen something move along the floor, just at the end of his bed in the dark. Moving onto his knees so that he was now crawling on the bed, Ray sat perched on the edge, gazing down into the sea of darkness at the end of the bed, his eyes not seeing anything, but his heart racing in his chest, waiting for something to jump out of the dark at him.

Twisting his legs underneath him so that one foot was under his bum and one foot was dangling off the edge of the bed, not exactly touching the floor but close, Ray was about to lean forward, certain that he had seen something, when all of a sudden a flood of light parted the darkness and Ray saw that there was nothing on the floor.

Turning his head towards the door, Ray seen that it was his Aunt Kerry whom had come back to check on him. She had in her free hand another jug of cool water, to help with the fever.

Walking over to the table beside the bed, Kerry set the jug down and turned the lamp on so that she could see better. And when she did, she was alarmed to see a pale, sweaty Ray. He had been fine when she had left about thirty minutes ago, and now he looked as if he was death warmed up.

Walking over to him, Kerry placed her hand on his forehead, instantly feeling the heat that was radiating from beneath, and walked over to the table where she had left a washcloth, and soaked it with the cool liquid before returning to Rays side and placing it on his forehead.

'There was something in here…I saw it' Ray said in a horse whisper, and Kerry instantly felt her heart skip a beat.

'What was in here?' Kerry asked as she sat on the bed beside Ray, his head resting on her shoulder as he felt himself growing sleepy once again. Shrugging his shoulders, Ray closed his eyes as he said,

'I don't know…I just' Ray trailed off, not really knowing how to explain what he saw, or at least, what he thought the saw.

After hearing his answer, Kerry knew that it was just the fever making him see things, and although that meant it wasn't breaking, she was just glad that nothing was in her home.

Standing up, Kerry put her hand to Rays forehead once again, and although it had cooled considerably, and she knew that he just needed to keep drinking the water and he would soon get his temperature right down. Once that was sorted they could deal with all of the arrangements for the rehab clinic and where he was going to stay.

Standing up, Ray made his way back to the top of the bed and, picking the covers up, lay back down on the bed. Closing his eyes, Ray felt Kerry place a gentle kiss on his cheek, and within moments, he was surrounded by his dreams, and away from all of his troubles and worries.


The next morning Ray woke up, the blanket wrapped tightly around him this time, and glanced over at the clock to see that it was actually ten thirty in the morning. Pushing himself up, Ray swung his legs to the side up the bed and stood up, making his way to the door as he ran a shaky hand through his dishevelled hair, to no avail.

Stepping into the living room, Ray instantly felt the cool air hit him, and wrapped his arms across his chest in order to keep some of the heat in his body in.

'Oh, good morning Ray' Kerry said as she saw Ray walk out of his room, looking a little worse for wear, but still better than he had done the day before. Walking over to him, Kerry placed her hand on his forehead, and although he was still a little warm, she wasn't as worried as she had been the night before.

Clearing his throat, more out of nerves than anything, Ray asked,

'So where's mom, she up yet?'

Sitting on the couch, Ray watched as Kerry made her way about the kitchen, the serious concentration on her face as she made toast and coffee almost laughable.

'She went out for a walk to clear her head. But when she comes back, she and I need to have a serious talk with you' and as Kerry said the last part, she paused in her motions and turned her head to look at Ray, silently saying, and there's no way you're backing out of this one mister.

Nodding his head, Ray pulled the blanket from the back off the sofa and pulled it around himself, instantly feeling warmer. Closing his eyes, Ray was about to fall asleep until he felt a hand on his shoulder and the smell of coffee under his nose, making him want to be sick, but pushing the feeling down.

'Here, you need to eat something. You're all skin and bones' Kerry said as she set the plate of toast and cup of coffee on the small coffee table in front of Ray. Not wanting to seem ungrateful, Ray picked up the coffee and took a small sip, although that was enough to make him actually feel himself going pale.


It was a half hour later and Kerry was sitting at the dinning table reading the newspaper and Ray was in the bathroom getting a shower. Karen opened the door and went and sat down beside her sister, who set her newspaper down and looked at Karen with a serious face before saying,

'We need to talk to him Karen, and he has to get help' Kerry said it blatant, not wanting to skirt around the subjects anymore than they already had. That was how they had ended up in this mess anyway, by not telling Ray that he had to get help. He was sick and was in no way capable of making a decision like this on his own, he needed his family there to support him and they were.

'I know, he needs to know what he has to do or else he isn't going to get any better' Karen said, wanting what was best for her son.

Just as Karen had finished speaking, Ray stepped out of the bathroom, his hair still damp and hanging down around his temples, and wearing a sweatshirt, a pair of sweats and thick socks. The shower had helped him feel fresher, but it had done nothing for the chill that he had.

'Hey mama' Ray said as he walked over and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek, before sitting down in the other vacant seat.

Putting her hand over her sons, her gloved hand warming his, Karen started,

'Listen Ray, your Aunt Kerry and I have discussed this a lot and we have come to the decision that it would be best if you went to a rehab programme here in Chicago and stayed with her for a while until you're better'

Karen watched Rays face for a sign of a reaction, worried in case he blew up like he did in the hospital, but instead he just nodded his head, which surprised both sisters, and said

'I know…I put you two both through a lot and I'll do whatever you say' and Ray meant it. He felt so guilty for how he had been so flippant about the whole situation, not thinking about who he was hurting, just as long as he got high. But now things were going to change, and Ray was going to make sure of it.

'O.K, that's it settled then, I'll call the clinic and make the arrangements.' Kerry said as she got up off her seat and made her way to the phone.

Lifting his mothers hand in his own, Ray looked straight into her eyes as he said,

'I'm sorry for all this mama and I promise that I'll make it up to you' and Karen could see the love and sincerity reflected in her sons eyes, making her want to hold him and never let go. Instead, she pulled him into a deep hug, and whispered in his ear,

'I love you and I know you will' Karen said as she held onto her son. Pulling back Karen watched as Kerry put the phone down and made her way back to the table as she said,

'Well, they said that they can take you tomorrow, so I said yes because it's best to start as soon as we can' Kerry said as she looked at Ray, who had an obvious look of shock on his face, not quite expecting it all to be happening so soon.

Standing from his seat, Ray began to make his way towards his room as he feebly joked,

'I guess I better get packing then'.


It was the day that Ray was to be going to the rehab centre and he was up at the scrape of dawn. He hadn't been able to sleep for more than two hours at a time without all types of questions popping into his head. Turning over, Ray closed his eyes again, and soon enough he found sleep again, only to be woken at nine by the sound of banging on his door and his aunt Kerry demanding,

'Come on Ray, out of bed!' at the top of her lungs.

Swinging his legs to the side of the bed, Ray pushed himself up and began to get ready for the day that awaited him.


Sitting on the EL, Ray and Karen were in silence, neither knowing what to say. Kerry had gone to work, not being able to miss anymore and had trusted that Karen made sure that Ray got to the clinic and was settled in. Ray was staring out the window, watching the city passing him by in a daze, waiting until they would pull up at their destined stop and he would start the lengthy process which he had been told several times 'isn't going to be a walk in the park'

As the trains brakes squealed, signalling that it had reached where you were going, Ray felt his heart beginning to pound in his chest as he wondered how he was going to do this. He had only been off the drugs one day and he felt terrible, and he wanted, needed a fix so badly. Being in this place for three weeks was going to be a nightmare.

Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

'O.K Ray, this is our stop' Karen said as she stood up from her seat and looked down at her son. His face was pale and was masked with worry. Wrapping her hand around his arm, Karen pulled him up as she repeated,

'Come on Ray, this is our stop'

Standing from his seat, Ray felt his leg going on auto pilot as he followed his mother off the train and down the platform and onto the busy street below.

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem

To find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

Walking along, Ray felt his heart pounding in his chest, blood gushing through his ears. As he felt the craving, wanting for the drug, he felt the small beads of sweat form across his brow. He felt like turning and running. He couldn't do this; he should have never said he would.

As he went to turn, Ray felt a hand on his wrist, and looked down into the eyes of his mother, and he swore that he saw anger in them.

'What's wrong Ray?' Karen asked, not wanting to start a scene in public. Kerry had told her that Ray might feel a bit nervous once they had gotten there. They were barley ten feet from the doors and he was about to do another runner, Kerry hadn't warned her about that!

Feeling a lump in his throat, making it difficult to breath, Ray quickly said,

'I can't…I can't do it'

Pulling him over to the seats outside the clinic, Karen pulled Ray so that he was sitting and put her hand on his face as she said,

'Ray you're sick and you need help. I already told you, if you don't give up the drugs then I can't have you in my house. Simple as that' Karen was determined to stay strong, even though she felt her heart breaking at the sad look in her sons eyes.

Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

Standing up, Karen waited until Ray had stood beside her before she made her way to the front door of the clinic. Pushing it open Karen walked in and made her way up to the reception desk and begun to give Rays information as he stood beside her like a scared child, wanting to go home with his mummy and not go to the bad place, and to Karen he was.

As Ray stood beside his mother, his had to use all of his strength not to vomit at the smell of the clinic. It smelt awful to him, and he couldn't tell why. He smelt like hospitals did, maybe a little worse, but that had never bothered him before. It had seemed that since he had stopped shooting heroin everything made him want to be sick.

discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I cant seem...

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

Ray watched as his mother and a tall man, about 6 foot 3, muscular and with graying hair talked. He knew that his mother was going to be leaving soon and he realized how much he didn't want her to go. He wished that he could just go back to the night of the party and not take the stupid drugs, and then he wouldn't be standing there feeling like he wanted to cry just because his mother was leaving him for three weeks.

Karen turned and walked over to Ray, immediately pulling him into a hug and saying,

'You're going to be fine O.K. And I'll see you in a few weeks. I love you'

Karen gave Ray and kiss on the cheek and then she was gone, knowing that she wouldn't be able to stop the tears that were threatening to spill over if she didn't.

The grey haired man surveyed Ray as he and his mother said goodbye. After she had gone he made his way over to Ray and extended his hand as he said,

'Welcome Ray, I'm James and I'm going to be your coach here. That means that I'll be the one monitoring your progress and helping you work through this.'

Ray shook James' hand, although he was quite weary of the man. He was sure that he thought that he was just another junkie, and come to think of it, Ray wasn't so sure that he was wrong anymore.

Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing, confusing what is real

Picking up Rays bag, James began to make his way down a long white hall and told Ray to follow. They stopped at desk where a woman who looked like she was in her early forties was sitting behind a desk which was covered in files.

'This is the start of the program Ray. You have to sign yourself in, show that you are doing this for you' James put emphasis on the words 'you' and 'yourself', making sure that Ray knew that he had to want to do this for himself too, and not just his mother and aunt.

'O.K…I know, I do' Ray stammered, feeling the trembling starting again. Taking the pen in his hand, Ray signed his name in the various parts of the form before handing it back to the woman behind the desk and following James again.

Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing, confusing what is real

When they reached the end of the hall, James and Ray had to go up about five flights of stairs. And the higher that Ray climbed the more nervous he felt himself getting. He could hear people screaming for 'just one more fix', and the thought that he could end up like that sickened him.

Ray followed James for the rest of the way in a daze, concentrating on stopping himself from shaking and the feeling in his core that was telling him to take the drugs. They soon reached a door with 'E52' printed on the front in gold letters.

James pushed the door open to reveal a small room which contained a bed, wardrobe and a small bathroom to the side. There was also a small window on the one wall and that was it.

'You'll be staying here for the next couple of weeks. But right now we have a group session' James said as he set Rays bags on the bed and made his way to the door, obviously expecting Ray to follow.

Crossing his arms across his chest and stuffing his hands in his armpits to conceal the shaking, although not very well as James could see the tell tale signs of the withdrawal clearly.

'Group therapy?' Ray said as he looked at James with a 'hell no' face.

Walking over to Ray and putting a hand on his back, James led Ray out the door as he said,

'Yes, group therapy. We do it every time someone new comes' He said it so matter-of-fact that Ray just wanted to run. He didn't want to have to sit and tell strangers all about who he was and why he did what he did. Right now all he wanted to do was lie down on that bed and curl away from everything.

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming, confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling, confusing what is real

Walking towards the large doors to the conference room, Ray took a deep breath and followed James. The one thought running through his head and reminding him why he was there. You promised them.


Well, I hope that after not updating in ages, that you appreciated that LONG update. BTW, the bit at the start was because people who are on Heroin withdrawal usually have hallucinations, and that was what Ray had.

Please review and let me know what you thought, good or bad.