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I don't own Glee or its characters.
Chapter 11
When Rachel slowly disentangled herself from Quinn, the blonde quickly asked by signing:
Rachel, are you mad at me? For the …
Quinn did not know the sign for kiss so she just tapped her lips.
Rachel vehemently shook her head.
No, I am not mad. Then she smiled. Just confused.
Rachel looked at the floor for a second. She was not ready to speak about the kiss that had almost made her heart stop. She needed to digest it first, so she decided to tread on safer ground. Everything was happening so fast and she had no hold on her feelings anymore. She felt like she was flying, but was afraid of landing very hard.
Quinn, what happened just now? What made you break down like this? Rachel's warm, brown eyes were still full of concern when she searched Quinn's face.
Quinn took Rachel's hand and pulled her to the couch. She grabbed the pen and paper and started writing with Rachel peering over her shoulder. Quinn knew she needed to explain what had triggered her to freak out like that.
Rachel, I'm sorry that I lost it just now. I didn't want to scare you with my crying!
She felt a reproachful look from the woman beside her.
Ok, I did scare you?
A nod and Rachel's chocolate brown eyes were deep and full of turmoil.
I'm really sorry! Quinn rubbed her right hand with a closed fist over her heart, the sign for 'apologize'. Honestly, I mean it. Let me explain.
Rachel quickly fished the pen out of Quinn's hand. She appreciated Quinn's gesture of learning ASL, but she also understood that for this conversation it was easier to refer back to writing.
Good. I want to know what is going on in that head of yours! So maybe next time I can come better prepared…
Quinn squeezed Rachel's fingers apologetically and continued writing after having collected her thoughts.
I now only realized and understood completely what you have lost and how it must be for you. I understood what the world without sound is like. Or at least I started to understand. And that understanding just came from something as banal as not being able to hear the sound of the fork grating against the plate. And if something this small is already so hard to endure, I just wondered how hard it must be for you...
Quinn threw a glance at Rachel sitting next to her on the couch, her eyes skipping over the written words. When she noticed that Rachel had finished reading, she continued.
Rachel, if this is too hurtful we can stop.
A small shake with her head brought some brown strands to fall into her eyes. With a graceful gesture, Rachel brushed them to the side and slightly jutted out her chin at the pad. Quinn paused for a moment, the pen poised in the air. She actually wanted to write something else, but then she wrote the question that had been burning in her soul for the past days.
Rachel, how did it happen?
Rachel had expected that question already a lot earlier. Nevertheless, it strung a painful chord in her chest thinking about it. Still, she started to explain.
I was in a car accident. I came back from a photo shoot. It was very late at night. The cab in which I was sitting was hit by a pick-up truck at an intersection. The driver of the other car was dead drunk and didn't see the red traffic light. At least that is what they told me later. The cab driver had more than fifteen broken bones, but luckily he survived. My luck was that I was sitting on the right side in the back seat. The pick-up rammed the left back door. Had I been sitting there, I would not be sitting here anymore.
Through the impact, I was catapulted against the side of the car and my head slammed into the window.
Rachel stared off into the distance, clearly reliving the event in her mind. Quinn winced as she read the description, reached out and comfortingly placed a hand over Rachel's.
It's ok, you don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to, Quinn offered in writing.
No, I'm ok. To make a long story short, I had hairline fractures in my skull and a severe concussion. But through the impact, the little bones in my middle ear had been broken. It was more severe in the right ear, because that was the side that collided with the window. Nevertheless, the blow to my head also affected the left ear. Not as severely, but still to the extent where I cannot hear anything at a normal level. Another word for hearing nothing at all.
Why? Of all people, why did it have to happen to you? Quinn had thought about it a lot, but found no answer.
Quinn, I've asked myself this question so many times. There is no answer to that. At least I haven't found it yet. Maybe one day I'll understand. But I have learnt that it doesn't always help searching for a reason. Sometimes it can take a very long time until the reason behind something is disclosed to you. I guess I just have to accept that it happened and live with it. Or not.
Have you ever thought about it?
What, committing suicide? Rachel let her eyes wander up from the page until she found Quinn's intent green gaze on her. Quinn nodded and Rachel's hand moved over the paper again.
Yes. I did actually. All I had to live for had died. My music, my voice, my dreams. I felt like I should have just died with them.
Rachel held Quinn's gaze with her own, finding compassion, understanding and fear. She needed to quench that fear in her friend's eyes. She needed to still that fear. Now.
But I couldn't pull it through. Something held me back.
Rachel shrugged and this time avoided eye contact with her friend. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Quinn tense at her comment. She continued writing.
I'm not saying that it's getting much easier. But I've given myself two years. Two years to figure out if I could do this or not. Therapy helped a bit in the beginning. And I had a lot of time thinking while I was healing the first few months. All this thinking got me at least so far that I wanted to give it a try.
Quinn threw her arms around Rachel.
I'm glad you did. Very! If I… If you.. I mean…
Words failed Quinn as she dropped the pen and she buried the smaller woman in a heartfelt embrace again, not letting her go for a long time. What she had not been able to transmit through words, she communicated through this touch. When she finally let go, she found the courage to pose another question.
There was nothing they could do to restore your hearing?
I had two operations, the last one not so long ago to reposition the dislocated ossicle bones in my middle ear. Apparently, it is a very complicated procedure. The specialists were not quite sure if the procedure would work in terms of giving me back some of my hearing. The ear is such a delicate organ where so many factors play together that it's not always easy to predict what will work. Besides, there is still blood blocking the crevices in between that needs to dissolve. It prevents the sound being transported through the ear canal as well. I didn't know that it could take that long for something to heal. But I don't get my hopes up too much.
She threw a sad smile at Quinn.
Quinn's eyes lightened up. But there is still some hope?
So far I haven't noticed any change. That's not a good sign.
Quinn flicked a quick glance at Rachel to gauge her reaction. Her lips were pressed together and a small furrow appeared between her brows.
Give it some time. You had a severe injury and sometimes the body needs more time to heal.
She tried to smile encouragingly at her friend.
Rachel, however it will turn out, I want to know how I can support you. I don't ever want to abandon you again as a friend. I want you to know that I will be here for you. This probably sounds like a false and empty phrase, especially after my disappearing act.
Quinn captured Rachel's gaze and tried to guess what she was feeling and thinking right now. She almost expected a depreciating expression on her friend's face, not wanting to accepting her explanation. But she only saw those sincere brown eyes searching her own.
Rachel had become so dependent on looking and observing that she tried to see beyond the words. The truth she could have heard in the tone of Quinn's voice, she now had to find through other means. Her eyes had become her most important tool to capture the real meaning behind someone's words and actions. And Quinn held her gaze, never wavering, never breaking off. Finally, Rachel nodded her head slightly and glanced back down on the writing paper. With that small gesture, she urged Quinn to continue and finally explain what had caused her radical actions all those years ago.
The blond woman continued pouring her thoughts out on the sheet.
These past years, every time my phone rang and I saw your name on the screen, it was a like a stab to my heart. It was like a slow and agonizing suicide. Not answering your calls, making myself ignore every text message you sent, closing my eyes on every attempt from you to communicate with me. It killed me that I would not let myself be near you, be your friend as before. I know it sounds crazy and I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't understand. But I had to stay away from you and your incredible talent. I feared that I would be drowned by it if I stayed near you. That I would never find the strength to get my own bearings.
Rachel lifted the pen gently from Quinn's hand.
Were you envious of me?
Quinn shook her head and breathed a "no".
I was never envious. Just afraid that I would'nt be able to stop measuring myself against you. I was actually so proud of you! I followed your reviews; I even cut them out of the papers and collected them. Every time being away from you become unbearable, I would look you up and check what you were up to next. I know it sounds crazy, but at least I had to know you were happy, that you were having success fulfilling your dream.
A sheepish expression crawled onto Quinn's face. Rachel wasn't sure if she was seeing it right, so she gently turned Quinn's face in her direction to get a closer look. This time Quinn could not stand looking into those large imploring eyes. So she continued her story.
I even came to your show once. And it was the most wonderful experience I've ever had! I was so mesmerized by your performance that it haunted me for days. Every time I thought back to that evening, the memories would send goose bumps down my skin.
Rachel pressed her lips together in a desperate try not to cry after finishing reading it.
Rachel, I'm so sorry! God, how could I be so insensitive? Please, I…I did not want to hurt you. She placed a hand on her friend's arm with a pleading look in her eyes.
Again Quinn felt the pen being lifted from her fingers. Rachel's hand covered hers.
'It's ok,' she mouthed when she had Quinn's attention and smiled shakily. Then she continued on paper.
Please, don't hold back. Even though it is still hard for me to be reminded of what I had and what I have lost, I want to know your thoughts. We have been silent for too long. For too many years.
After a short pause, You really came to one of my shows?
She placed the ballpoint pen back in Quinn's hand.
Quinn nodded. Then she pointed at her arm where the little hairs started raising. See? I was telling the truth, it still holds me captive.
Rachel smiled a little. The she took another pen from the table in front of them in order not to snatch Quinn's all the time.
Hm, I never knew I could have such an effect on you.
You always had, even back in High school. Quinn confessed.
Spill, Quinn Fabray!
Quinn had to smile, happy about the lighter note in Rachel's comment and the small quirk of her eyebrow that accompanied her challenging look.
Good lord, I think I am going under tonight. Quinn sighed.
Rachel snorted, even though neither of them could hear it.
You owe me, Quinn. For all those years of ignoring me, you owe me big time! It's your fault that you came back and threw yourself at me. Now explain yourself!
She pushed the pad back into Quinn's lap, but had a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
This time Quinn tried to get to the emotions behind Rachel's words and watched the other young woman closely. She noticed that behind the smile still lay a deep layer of hurt and loneliness. She had to tread lightly in order not to rupture that thin band of friendship that they had formed over the past days. The difficulty was that what she was confessing to Rachel was not solely based on friendship anymore. Then again, she had already revealed this through her kiss.
Guys, I need sleeeeeeeeeep! This story keeps me awake almost every day until 3 in the morning. It drives me crazy. It has a life of its own, I swear! But I enjoy writing it so much, so hopefully I can keep it up for a while. Anyway, chapter 15 is on its way, so stay tuned! Someone familiar might pop up... :-)
