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Chapter 11: Of Anger, Prejudice, and Convictions
The two weeks after that Saturday night passed quickly. Hogwarts only had a few days left before the end of classes for the holidays, and a blanket of snow had fallen around the castle. All of the Marauders were heading home to see their families with the intention of returning early to celebrate together on New Year's Eve, and Rowan was secretly dreading both leaving the school to see her parents and coming back to see Remus.
She and Remus hadn't spoken since that night of revelations. He seemed to have withdrawn back into his dark brooding space, and she made no efforts to seek him out, assuming that he'd find her when he was ready to talk again. The other three boys watched the pair from a distance, afraid to broach the topic with either of them but desperately wanting to know what had transpired between them that night. Remus made no active move to avoid the Marauders, but he was obviously not really present. He had spent much of the remaining couple of weeks before the holiday studying in the library, tutoring the First Years, and decorating the castle with the other Prefects, and when he wasn't busy, he seemed to be in a dark haze that the others didn't dare breach.
Rowan analyzed their late night together countless times, trying to figure out why she'd decided to reveal her secret to Remus. She tossed and turned late at night kicking herself mentally for putting him on the spot like that, but she had to accept that she couldn't take it back now.
There was a war going on, and even if she still had two and half years left at Hogwarts, she had made the decision to be stronger and act with conviction. Her choices were going to put her in danger – she was sure she'd have Death Eater enemies in her Slytherin peers even before they graduated [she might already. After all, wasn't Rabastan Lestrange already seventeen?] – so she might as well embrace it and work as hard as she could along the way, including in her career.
A flame had been lit inside of her ever since her meeting with Professor McGonagall, and the thought of Remus' future being chosen for him because of a condition he had no control over burned in Rowan's blood. She would find a cure for lycanthropy, even if it took her years, even if she was put in danger for her convictions. Remus Lupin was her best friend, and she wanted him to know that he deserved everything the world had to offer.
Even if he hated her for it.
In her quiet avoidance, Rowan had taken to spending time with Lily Evans and Mina Surrey. She spent her evenings studying in the library with Mina and ate breakfast with the red-haired Prefect early in the mornings as to avoid making excuses for why she wasn't sitting with the Marauders. Sometimes, Mina would join them, though she was often unresponsive due to being bad at early mornings. Their conversations had been turning darker after a spree of murders, and they quietly discussed their plans for after graduation. Rowan was surprised at how easy it was to open up to Lily, who had such a natural warm confidence that she felt braver just through association.
"Have you heard about the Privy family?" Lily asked one morning over her toast.
Rowan nodded grimly, "Yeah, it's frightening. I feel so terrible for Carla."
Carla Privy, a quiet Ravenclaw Fourth Year, had been called home the night before with news that her father had been found murdered a few blocks from their home with the Dark Mark floating above his body. He was a Muggle.
Rowan feared for Mina and Lily, who were also Muggle-borns, and everyday she woke up praying that there would be good news in the paper, though there rarely was. "Are you afraid?" she asked carefully.
Lily's parents had both passed away the year before in a tragic car accident, and she knew that she cared very much for her older sister Petunia, though their relationship was strained. Lily's mouth was pursed tightly in a way that Rowan had identified with her thinking. "Yes, I am, obviously so," she said lowly, "but I think I'm too angry to truly be afraid for myself. I'm sure I can talk to Professor Dumbledore to get Petunia into hiding, but I…" she trailed off for a moment. "I'm just so angry, Rowan. Angry at the Ministry's inability to protect my family and angry at the idea that there are people out there who are so terrible and ignorant that they believe in such a thing as blood purity," she spat.
Hair bristling, Lily was quite a sight to behold. Her eyes were flashing with contained rage and her cheeks were tinged pink with heat. Rowan took a moment to admire her.
"Are you going to fight after we leave Hogwarts? Have you been following the rumors about Dumbledore's army?" Rowan asked the red-haired girl. Lily looked up at her and nodded her head fiercely.
"Yes, I decided a long time ago that I was going to fight. I'm going to talk to Dumbledore as soon as I turn seventeen," she whispered fiercely. Her face suddenly became less sure, facing Rowan. "Would you ever consider it?"
Rowan looked down at her plate cautiously, "I've been thinking about it for a while now, actually, and to be quite honest, I'm terrified." She looked up at Lily almost ashamedly, who was looking at her, hanging on her every word. "I'm not as brave as I pretend to be, not like you or James and Sirius." She paused then seemed to gather her courage up. "But I decided recently that it'd be better to die fighting alongside my friends than watch them die by the sidelines because I was too afraid." Her eyes burned into Lily's and the fire between them was almost palpable. "I have to fight or I'll never be able to face you or my mates in clean conscience again. And besides, I can't let you have all the glory, right?" she grinned slowly.
Lily beamed at her, eyes blazing, and they shared a silent moment of warm affection before hearing the clearing of a throat.
The two girls looked up to see Leith Bagman staring down at them.
"Hey, Evans. Delacroix, could I have a word?" he asked with a charming smile.
Rowan looked apologetically to Lily, who nodded to her before turning back to the Daily Prophet. Rowan followed Leith down the table away from Lily where there were no students and asked, "Have you given it any thought? We won't have another Hogsmeade trip till after the holiday, but my invitation is still open." His face was hopeful, and Rowan felt a pang of guilt – she'd completely forgotten about Leith Bagman in the wake of recent events.
Rowan assessed Leith carefully. He was tall, blonde, and well built with rosy cheeks that most girls would kill for, kind blue eyes and blonde curls. She supposed that most girls would say yes – he was like a character from a childhood picture book. But as she looked at him, she peered past him and saw Remus entering the Great Hall. The lines beneath his eyes were apparent even from a distance. She knew that standing next to Leith, he would look gaunt and maybe even frail, but as he smiled warmly at a fellow Prefect at the Ravenclaw table, she knew what her answer was. They locked eyes for a moment, and his face suddenly had that shocked blank look that he'd given her that night in the Common Room. She tore her eyes from his and looked back up to Leith's face to see him waiting expectantly, a friendly smile on his face.
"Thank you, Leith, but I don't think it's a good idea. I appreciate the offer though," she said apologetically. He took in her words before nodding slowly, amicably.
"That's okay. I had a feeling," he said, rubbing a broad hand against his muscular neck. "Is there someone else that you're interested in? Just curious."
She kept her eyes locked on Leith's face, forcing herself not to look at Remus again, who had very nearly reached them. Rowan smiled sadly and nodded, "Yeah, there is."
Remus sat down at the Gryffindor table after seeing Rowan and Leith part ways. He felt the same flare of jealousy that he'd experienced the first time Leith had grabbed Rowan's hand all those weeks ago, but it was tempered by the apologetic look on Rowan's face. That dark voice inside him howled in triumph when he saw that expression – she had turned him down.
But what claim did he have over her? He frowned. He had never made a move to indicate to her that he wanted anything more than her friendship. Did he want more? His frown deepened. It would be the highest form of denial to try to kid himself at this point. Of course, he wanted more from her. The realization was terrifying.
But she knew. She knew.
He groaned internally. He'd been avoiding her for nearly a week and a half now, but no matter how many times he thought about it, his stomach still lurched violently at the knowledge that she knew what he was.
But he couldn't deny that the look on her face that day hadn't been one of pity. She'd cried for him, yes, but there was a fire in her that he'd never seen on his parents' or mates' faces when they discussed his condition. It was all defiance and heat – he still felt his face burn when he remembered the blazing look in her eyes, and his inner wolf responded to it fiercely.
She said she wanted to find a cure for his lycanthropy. His head pounded with the possibilities. A cure – he'd never even considered that possible. He'd resigned himself at a young age to the fact that he'd have to scrounge for the rest of his life at the coat tails of the more fortunate. But a cure! If anyone was capable of discovering a cure for his condition, it was she. He was sure of it. But how many years would it take? She'd have to undergo training beneath a Potions Master first, and with the war going on outside, who knew how long it would take? And there were certainly people who would judge her for her associations with werewolves. There were people who would hate her for it. Could he really allow her to go through all of that for him?
But he knew she'd never accept any of his reasoning. She seemed set on it, and once she got an idea in her head, it was difficult to convince her otherwise. She certainly had the talent for it. She probably had more talent in Potion Making than Slughorn, Snape, and the entire Hogwarts faculty combined! Surely, he shouldn't rob the rest of the lycanthrope community from the chance of being cured because he wanted to save this one girl from his sad fate!
He groaned again and looked down the table to where Rowan and Lily were seated, heads close together with grins on their faces. When did they become so close? He saw Rowan gesturing wildly, no doubt telling a story, and Lily laughed freely at Rowan's absurd faces. She was facing away from him, but he could imagine exactly the way her face would contort at certain parts of her stories and which voices she would use for specific people. Lily caught Remus' gaze and discreetly smiled at him knowingly before turning her eyes back to Rowan. Remus felt his cheeks flush, looking down at his Charms book in front of him. It wasn't until the two girls got up to leave that he felt comfortable enough to look back up, just in time to catch Rowan glancing down at him as she passed, smiling quietly before turning away and walking out of the Great Hall.
