DWM
ch. 11 I hung my head and cried (as the engine died)

a/n:(Oh my god 16 pages, this almost killed me.)

'Pepi? Didn't I used to have... parents?'

'Uhm, you have parents. Nny and Mr. Edgar.' He playfully batted at Todd's shoulder. They were comfortably sprawled out in what Todd thought must have been Pepito's old bed.

'No,' he giggled, 'I mean... my real parents.'

Pepito seemed to grow uncomfortable under his gaze.

'Squee, don't be silly! They ar-'

'I had a mommy once... didn't I Pepi?'

'I...' Pepito was never good at secrets, 'y-yeah.'

No, todd my boy, this is silly, just go back to playing.

Schmee, I...

An image swam into view of a tall woman with mousy brown hair and a polite (if not pained) look on her face. 'Who are you little boy?'

...'Mommy, it's me...'

'I...'

No,Todd, just play with the nice anti-Christ! Better yet...isn't it almost time to sleep...?

'Pepi?'

'Squee, I'm not supposed to talk about this! We should, uh, go watch TV! C'mon,' Pepito wriggled off of the bed, making a grab for Todd's arm as he did so.

----
'No, no, no! Mommy!' he keened, only to be met with a distant cry of 'Mommy's ignoring you dear'.

'Why hello Squeegee, got any bactine...?'

Sickly and lean, bones rattling about inside loose skin like pebbles in a sock. Yellow eyes crazed and moving in too many directions, framed by choppy blue hair and a wholesome grin. It was him, scary neigh-

----
Todd, who had been avoiding Pepito's grasp before, quickly suckered onto his arm, like a leech that had forgotten its appetite.

'P-Pepito? What happened to...'

----
A man strapped to a wall, he looked familiar. That wasn't his father, his father was standing in the middle of the room, just fine, yelling at the top of his lungs...no, no that wasn't his dad either. Did he even have a father? Yes...yes, but he was...

A woman standing in a doorway, her face despondent, gazing down at him. But then she was gone and two men took her place, smiling down at him. He liked them, he did, but he felt like they were hiding the woman from before. Why were they hiding her? Who was she?

'...Mommy...?'

----

She was gone...

----

Mr. Edgar...Nny, staring at him as if he'd grown a second head. What had he said? What was he saying? His mouth was moving, he could feel his throat pushing words up and past his lips, but he was deaf to them. What was he saying..?! Nny was happy, his father was happy, no...his father was going to die, had died...what...?

----
'Oh.'

Todd, no! Jus...sleep, its...not...not your...ault!

'Oh, I remember...I said...'

----

"Mr. Neighbor man?" he called.

"Yes, Squee?" Nny answered.

"You can kill my daddy if you want, and my mommy if you feel like it."

"What?! No! Son! Don't leave me here!"

----
'It was...' Pepito suddenly held him, keeping him from springing away, from detaching.

'S-squee, you don't look so good."

Don't...fault.

'Schmee? It was my fault, wasn't it?'

Silence...

Schmee?

Nothing.

S-schmee! Why aren't you saying anything?

Everything was blurry, getting darker. Black enveloped everything.

'Schmee...please, say something.'

His vision kept swimming, dizzying him, and though all he wanted to do was vomit he found he rather preferred it to what his eyes finally settled on. Predator, deadly, wiry, crouched like a cat on the window sill, staring him down with a hungry gleam in his eyes. Spindly fingers, too long, gripped tightly to the window ledge as he leaned impossibly far forward. That grin, he knew that grin...

Please don't find me, please don't find me!

He wanted to hide, to pull his covers tight over his head, but was frozen stiff, as the creatur-no, the scary neighbor man's gaze locked onto him. His body was coiled and prepared to pounce. Move, oh please, just m-move!

It leapt into the air, razor sharp arms extended, just as Todd found his voice-

"Nooooo!" -thwack- "Agh!" Todd cried, clutching his forehead in pain.

It had hit him, he was blind! Wildly Todd thrashed about finally making contact with the beast, beating it with his tiny, ineffectual fists.

"Oh, ow! Fuck Todd, knock it-ow! Off!"

"Nooooo!"

"Pepi!!" he cried, continuing his assault on the beast. Where was Pepito? Maybe he could help him!

"Seriously, ouch! What the hell did I do?!"

"Noo!' he shrieked once more, finding it was the only thing he could say anymore, shoving at his assailant.

Thud

"Ow! Fuck, MOOOOM!"

"Whaaat!?"

"Todd's having a nightmaaaare!"

Pepi? He wrenched his eyes open, only to see a very ruffled Pepito, flat on his butt, screaming to his mother.

"Well wake him up! We're going to the STORE!"

"Hepunched me in the face!"

"Do you want your mother to get punched in the face?!"

"Nooo! That's not what I meant!" he wailed.

"Well, what do you want me to do?!"

"Come and wake him up!"

"Uhm..." surprisingly his voice cracked, a dry sob ripped out of his throat.

"Oh! Mooom, he's awake!"

"Don't you yell, I'm right here!" she screamed from the staircase.

"Todd, why the hell did you have to hit me? Are you-...Todd what's wrong?"

"I-I-"

"All this fuss!" Barbara huffed, stomping into the room and thrusting Pepito's old sippy cup filled with warm kool-aid into Todd's shaking hands.

"I just leaned over to wake him up and he went brzerk!"

"Sure, sure dear."

My hands are shaking?

"Now," she draped a blanket over Todd's thin frame, "to the store!"

Both boys awkwardly rose to shuffle after Mrs. Diablo, out the door and into the car, off to the store they went.

Pepito watched as Todd went through five tries at buckling his seatbelt.

"I thought you boys had outgrown sippy-cups, but obviously I was wrong! You're never too old for a sippy-oh...Pepito, dear, help Todd with that belt will you? We'll be here all day otherwise!"

He awkwardly snatched the buckle, shoving it into place and pulling back before Todd could lash out once more. He didn't even pretend to listen to his mother prattle on about the shopping list, and which dinners were assigned to what days. Todd's odd twitching, teary eyes, and blotched cheeks proved much more...engaging.

It was deja vu. The lost and utterly consumed blank stare, the violent lashing out, and even his mother's attempt to quell the other's fear. The last time this happened, he had been seven, curled up with Todd, ready for bed. Eight years...what had he said last time to fix it enough for him to carry on eight years?! Why couldn't he have been blessed with Todd's amazing memory? Maybe if he remembered they could do this again at age twenty-three. Wait...why would Todd be passed out in my bed at age twenty-three? That's just stupid....

Nightmares were nothing new but this hadn't been a nightmare. What was it called when you revisited memories in your sleep? Todd had researched it once, mostly to see if it was part of the normal process of committing something to memory. But... if anyone were to ask why these memories were ever revisited, he would have said guilt.

Tugging at the blanket, Todd tried to straighten it out. Breakdowns tended to bring on his more neurotic side. It also reduced him to a shaking, twitchy mess with a tendency to stare down random objects. His current target was an innocent barrel of potatoes.

Why do I have a sippy cup...? Oh... right, Mrs. Barbara. Todd took a hesitant taste of the warmed sugary chemical mixture; the familiar taste was a comfort, one he needed very badly, surrounded by strangers in the surprisingly loud produce section. Why am I here...?

"You grab those potatoes yet?" Pepito had appeared at his side, several bags of assorted vegetables in hand, "...Todd?"

"O-oh... I, uh...." He fumbled with the blanket and cup, trying to reach for one of the nearby potatoes.

"Don't worry, Squee, I got it." Pepito spoke softly, resting a hand on Todd's shoulder, easing him to the side and reaching up to tear off another plastic sack.

Oh... wait- Todd's gaze dropped to the cup once more.

"What did you...?"

"Huh?" Pepito asked without glancing up from his vegetable inspections.

"Did you just say...."

"Did I say wha- Oh, oh shit, I'm sorry! Todd!" Pepito suddenly looked rather apprehensive.

"No, just... just shut up," Todd squeaked, turning to shuffle away.

"Damn it!"

He heard Pepito yell just as he rounded a corner, headed down to the cleaning supplies. There was also the distinct sound of multiple hard objects crashing onto the ground.

When was the last time he had heard the nickname wrapped in Pepito's unique, multi-racial accent? Had it really been years? He could remember their last, exceedingly awkward sleepover, and his exclamation of hatred towards the other.

That really hadn't bothered him... and that was the detail that bothered him most. Another comforting thing delivered from the Diablo's in his time of need, but possibly one too many. It just reminded him further of the dream, of his idiotic, childish decisions. Why had he been given such an option!? What were they thinking, asking an eight year old if they could kill his parents? ...Why had he agreed to it?

It was the same thought process as ever, and each time he could think of numerous answers. It was nothing new to him, contemplating all the reasons, but it was the first time in what had to have been six or seven years that he had done something like this in front of Pepito. Then again, it was probably his first time at the house willingly, besides planned dinners, in nearly the same amount of years.

Willingly... was he really here... willingly? Was he hanging out with Pepito? Ugh... what am I doing....

"Todd?"

"Squee!" he jumped, flailing under the blanket.

"Still a bit jumpy, dear?" Barbara cooed, an apologetic look coming over her, "I'm sorry, but could you run and get me a-"

"...Mrs. Barbara?"

"Where is that boy?" she scoffed.

"P-Pepito's getting potatoes...." he glanced away.

"Ah," Mrs. Barbara was the master at 'knowing gazes', "I see, well, could you fetch me a loaf of bread?"

"Sure," he choked out, trudging towards the bread isle.

----
"Damn it!" Pepito cried, as soon as Todd was out of sight, flinging his bags to the floor.

"Young man!" A nearby worker shouted, "Please control yourself!"

"...I am so sorry, I'll pick it up," he said mechanically, squatting down to the mess of vegetables.

Why had he said that stupid old nickname?! I know not to say it... I know this! Stupid, stupid, thinking that would help relax him? Ow!

"Pinche papa!" Several potatoes had smacked the top of his head. Pepito rubbed at the sore spot, none too pleased. He ached backwards just in time to watch as a mountain of potatoes came crashing down.

"Fucking potatoes!"

Once more, Pepito sat flat on his ass, only this time he was covered in potatoes and a cold rage burned in his eyes.

"Sir!" an exasperated voice cried, "really please just leave! I'll clean it up."

The owner to the tired voice came into view. It was a familiar face... though he wasn't sure from where. He was a teenager so Pepito guessed it was a school mate but he definitely did not belong to the A, B or even the C-list crowd.

I know way too many people, that's all.

"I'm sorry, I'm not even sure what happened there," he brushed the potatoes off of him to stand, sending them scattering about.

"Its ok, just, please, no more damage. I'm still the new guy here!" the teen laughed awkwardly while sorting through the mess.

"...Hey, don't I... know you from somewhere?" Pepito ran a hand wearily through his red hair, its getting too long... I need a cut.

"Yep! You're Pepito, right? Todd's friend."

"I don't know about friends, but we grew up together, yes." He wasn't at school... he didn't have to deny affiliation. So why was he?

"Yeah, he told me bout that," he smiled up at Pepito, waving a stalk of celery in his direction.

"Mmhmm...." he felt rather awkward about that, "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Oh, ha," he finally stretched up, adjusting his blue vest of a uniform, "Peter, Todd's friend."

Pepito started blankly for a moment, raking his brain. The 'friend'! The one he let over!

"Gamer nerd?" he snapped his fingers, grinning proudly at his remembrance.

Peter chuckled, "Yep, I'm guessing Todd hasn't said too much about me, we're new friends."

"We don't talk much." I just need to stop talking.

"Ah, that's... that's too bad," he seemed to consider this, mulling it over.

"It is," clearing his throat; he had the sudden want to leave. If only I could just manipulate this kid like usual and be on my way! "I'll be going now, almost time for dinner."

"Oh, of course, uh... tell Todd I said 'Hi'."

"You'll probably see him before I do," liar, Pepito smiled, gathered his bags from Peter and turned to find Todd.

I will be his friend... I will.

- - - - - -

Pepito found Todd in the bread isle... in near hysterics.

"Todd, really, calm the fuck down!"

"Pepito,Ijustdon'tgetitwhyshouldithavetochangethatsnotfair!Andwhatssogreataboutthestupidwh-"

"Ho, jeez! Slow DOWN!" Pepito shouted; a firm grip on Todd's shaking shoulders.

"...white bread is an attention whore."

"O...k? That's a pretty strong accusation." Pepito cocked an eyebrow, waiting for further explanation.

"Nothing, just forget it!"

"What's wrong with white bread?"

Todd watched as Pepito moved to the side, allowing a younger woman to pull a loaf of the offending bread from the shelf, tossing it into the cart next to her screaming child.

"Todd?"

"That!" he flailed towards the woman's previous location, "Everyone picks it a-and it's not even good for you! Do you know what's in that over processed crap?! Nothing! That's what! Empty nutritional value charts and wasted calories!"

"Well... no one's forcing you to eat it."

"But... it's what's more... normal." Todd curled his fingers into the soft blanket. It looked as if he might cry once more.

Normal bread?! What the hell is this even about? Norm-

"Normal? Normal to some; it's just a preference of normality, Todd."

An old tottering man made his way around the twitchy teen, grabbing a bag of white bread.

That... is not helpful.

"It's a very preferred normalcy," Todd spat.

"Todd...."

"What?"

"Fuck them, and their preferred normalcy."

With that he grabbed a bag of whole wheat, swung an arm around the unstable boy and began to lead him towards the checkout counter.

"You just need to know what you prefer, forget theirs."

"You are such a hypocrite, Pepito."

How did that make me a hypocrite?! Fucking bipolar is what he is! Calling me Pepi then flipping out when I use 'squee!' What the hell!?

"...C'mon," he sighed, " if we take too long my mom will hunt my grounded ass down."

Todd swayed a substantial amount, and he felt certain that without his arm the boy would run straight into a display tower of chili.

His eyes swept over the crowded checkout lines. There she is! He pitched his load of groceries into the cart after situating Todd against it.

"Pepito? Where are the potatoes?"

His mother clicked her tongue when no reply came, "I can't trust you two with groceries? What is with you boys!"

"I'll get them Mrs. Diablo," Todd quipped, stumbling off to the produce.

"...Pepi, dear, Todd doesn't look too stable yet," she smiled cheerily, "Do you have that fancy cell phone of yours? I think maybe I should talk to Edgar about when he wants Todd home."

"Yeah, mom, I have it.," handing over the phone his eyes stayed rooted to where Todd had turned, disappearing behind the chili cans. Well... at least he didn't run into it.

Potatoes, potatoes... ah, there we go!

Todd guess Pepito had been lost in their conversation. What a fucking hypocrite, 'just find your preference.'

"Oh really, Pepito, is that what you did?"Todd was cramming potatoes into the plastic sack, visciously whispering to himself.

I don't see you finding your own preferences! Or maybe you are just so
perfect now that you have all the right ones inherently!

"...Damn it, he probably thinks so. He would."

"He who?"

"Pepit-Oh!" Todd clung to the sack whipping around."

"Hey! Look who has a job!" Peter smiled at his jumpy, wide eyed friend.

"Peter!"

"Watch out man, soon I'll be the one with the newest games first!"

"Haha, y-yeah." ...that was a shaky laugh.

"Hey, you ok? Ya don't look so good and... whats with the blanket?"

"O-oh, I... was just cold? Yeah, its just a cold."

"Oh, man, you're sick? That sucks."

"Mhm, its not too bad really."

"By the way, I saw your friend Pepito maybe five... ten minutes ago. Hes a little clumsy isn't he?"

"Yeah, we're shopping... and hes usually pretty light on his feet."

"Weird, but hey, you guys do hang then!"

"N-no, no, we're not hanging out! We aren't really friends. You know."

"...hm. Ok, you're shopping... not hanging out, and aren't friends... so hes more like a brother or something?"

"What? No. Hes just Pepito. Popular, annoying, jerky Pepito. You know, you've seen him at school."

"He seems pretty nice to me."

"Hes the Anti-christ!" Todd cried before he could snap his teeth shut.

"...."

shit!

"Now, come on, he really wasn't that bad." Peter creased his brow.

"Yeah, I just meant... hes manipulative."

"Eh, he was pretty honest to me.... But anyways, potatoes?"

"Shit! Sorry, Peter, gotta go!" Todd sprinted through the produce section waving behind him.

"No problem, see ya at school man!"

Stumbling all the way to the front of the store, Todd nearly fell a dozen times. stupid shaky legs!

"What took you so long?" Pepito shouted.

They were all checked out (save for the potatoes) and a line of perterbed customers had formed behind Mrs. Barbara. Tod chucked the bag onto the counter, coming to a complete stop just in time to avoid crashing into Pepito.

"...Running? Really? Now thats just not smart Todd, sweety." Mrs Barbara mused, handing over her debit card.

The shaking was worse now, where before the run it had nearly subsided. Todd feared walking to the car, realizing he probably wouldn't make it past the sliding doors. All strategical planning halted when Pepito pulled one of his twiggy arms over his shoulder, gruffly hauling him along towards the doors.

"Pepito, I don't need your-"

"Shut up, Todd. You could barely stand on your own two feet, and I don't wanna watch you try to chart your way to the car." With that he picked up pace, practically carrying Todd to the car.

"There, was that so bad?" Pepito popped open the door, watching as Todd slid into the back.

Todd merely glanced away, embarrassed at his current inabilities, and Pepito retreated to the back of the car, loading in the groceries.

Mrs. Diablo couldn't stand silence in cars, first trying the radio, then, upon finding nothing but commercials(Nny's favorite), began to chatter once more.

Todd shrugged off the blanket, no longer finding the warmth enjoyable, and leaned against the cool glass. He loved watching the scenery pass, combining the blurred images into new, more enthralling subjects. Todd had always been a daydreamer, one tends to entertain themselves when no one else is there to, and had expressed it in what was usually discouraged writing. With not many to over look his stories he fretted about his stunted stories never improving. He still tended to hide them... but right now his pent up emotion made him yearn for a pencil. Shapes and colors were leaping out from the familiar drive. He was never sure of what he would write till the pencil was in his hand. A character flaw for certain, the pencil had become a pacifier to him. Lately he had ignored it.

Wait... is someone talking to me?

"-eemed a bit worried, dear. I asked if he was alright with you staying for dinner and he said it was fine with him. But really its up to you. Now when we get home be su-"

"Huh?" Todd blurted out.

"Mr. Edgar? I called him in the store, and hes just fine with you staying over for super, but I think you should give him a quick phone anyways." Barbara tittered on, back into her random subject changes.

...I wonder how Nny is.... Hes probably still mad at me. He involuntarily winced at the thought of facing his enraged father. Nny had never actually hurt him, greatly to Mr. Edgar's watchful eye, but he had never really made him this mad before. ...dinner should give him long enough to cool down... right?

Sometimes it got lonely... only having your own voice echo in your skull.

As soon as the car was in park; Todd fumbled his door open, grabbed a few bags and headed for the house. Pepito loaded each arm with four of the heavier bags, as was custom, and followed suit. He had the bags on the counter; everything put away, and was nowhere in sight by the time Pepito made it to the kitchen. Todd couldn't wait to flop down and not move for a while. It was just what his nerves needed, and his bean bag was calling.

But as soon as he made it to the room another thought struck him. I should probably stretch out.... The bed it was. There was plenty of room and it wouldn't have him risking a sore neck. Besides, he didn't get many chances at a bed to himself now a days- er... ever.

Twisting himself so he was staring at the ceiling, Todd flopped backwards onto the overly comfy matress.

"Mmm... want sleep." he hummed. "...?"

Light, trotting footfall could be heard on the stair case as Pepito padded up to his room. They stopped suddenly just outside of the room, a nervous vibe emanating from the door way. Todd tried to keep his breath rhythmic and his eyes from fluttering. He'll leave me alone if I'm passed out, right? e

"...Todd?"

He turned away from the intruding voice, groaning in protest.

"I know, but mother says you have to call home."

When Todd made no motion to stand Pepito added on a hesitant 'Sorry.'

"Yeah ok...." he slid off the bed, shuffling downstairs to use the kitchen phone.

It was a rather new phone, silver and metallic all over. He felt certain he would leave finger smudges.

"...Hello?"

When had he dialed?

"Hey its me... Todd."

"Oh."

Long awkward silences were getting old today.

"Y-yeah... uhm, Mrs. Barbara wanted to know if I could stay for dinner... so...."

"Well... you are grounded, I'm not sure how this works but.... Maybe its time you came home."

That was a surprise....

"O- ok."

"Barbara said you had a.. nightmare?" Edgar wasn't very good with phone calls.

"Yeah, nothing really. No big deal."

"You sure...? I know you can get a little... shaky... with stress."

"Its ok, I'm fine."

"Hm, if you-"

"You most certainly are not, young man." Barbara shouted from the kitchen.

"Uhh-"

"Now if you have to head on home, at least have Pepi drive you! Lord knows thelast thing we need is a wreck!"

"...Mrs. Barbara?"

"Y-yeah, she says she'll have Pepi dr- Pepito drive me home."

"...Ok."

"..."

"I'll see you when you get home."

"Bye, Mr. Edgar."

-click-

"Pepito!"

"I heard, I heard! I'm coming!"

"Now Todd, sweety, come give me a hug before you leave."

A quick, tight hug and a kiss on the forehead sent Todd on his way.

- - - - - -

Piling into the car with Pepito felt weird, it brought this one step closer to them having 'hung out'. But as long as Pepito just stayed quiet it wasn't so ba-

"So...."

Damn it.

"Y'know I was just wondering..." Pepito fiddled with the wipers as a few drops splattered on the wind shield, "about that dream."

Oh, God, I don't need this.

"Was.. was it about...."

"My parents? Yeah."

"Ah...."

"You were in it this time." Don't continue the conversation! Shut up!

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Todd, your parents, it wasn't your fault. I mean, even if you hadn't told him to... he would've done it anyways." He paused while making a turn,"And... it's not like they were good parents right?"

Uhm....

"...Right?"

"But they were my parents, Pepito. My parents." Todd curled inward, turning to glare at the other, "Even if they weren't good ones."

Silence once more filled the tiny car. The rain was picking up pace.

"...They didn't really raise you, Todd...."

...shut up....

"They weren't there for you...."

Shut UP.

"They weren't there to... to love you."

"Shut up!" He screamed just as the car wen into another turn, sending him lurching towards Pepito.

"No! They weren't your parents!"

"Just shut up!"

"Not in he real sense of the word!" Pepito glared out at the road, gaining speed along with the rain fall.

"Pepito, just-"

"It wasn't your damned fault, so stop beating yourself up about it!"

"...what?"

"Its not right! You being so unhealthy over something that... that you could do nothing about, Todd."

"I.. killed the-"

"No, Todd. No you didn't."

He did.

"I... I-" his voice caught in his throat replaced by dry sobs pushing past his sealed teeth.

"Shit... Todd.. don't cry. I'm... I'm sorry, you don't need me yelli-"

"I- I didn't..." tears...? "He did it."

"Wha-"

"S-scarry n-neighb..."

"Neighbor man...."

He nodded roughly, closing his eyes, trying to stop the tears. A strong hand gripped his shoulder as the car came to a stop. Was he home already? Before he registered the motion, Pepito had pulled him into a rough hug. It didn't help to stop his tears, only seeming to egg on his racking sobs.

"N-nnnn-" he whined into Pepito's shoulder. But just as quickly as they had come, the tears left. They had left Todd in an awkward hug outside his own home.

Thankfully Mrs. Barbara pulled in seconds later, saving Todd from having to push the other away after the... nice gesture. Pepito slipped out of the car, gently closing the door without so much as a wave goodbye. Much to Todd's relief.

He sat in the car staring up towards his house, his home, dreading what may be lurking just below, or god forbid... on the top level.