Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare

Chapter 10: Welcome to the World

"MY LORD," she screamed at the top her lungs.

He looked over at her, startled. "What is it?"

"My water just broke."

"You're what just broke."

"My water. My Lord, the baby is coming. Right now."

"What? Now? It's too soon!" he cried. Voldie was panicking, he hadn't anticipated he'd be with Bellatrix for the "glorious event" also known as the most terrifying experience ever. Frankly, he'd never done this sort of thing before—delivering babies that is. The only time he'd witnessed a birth before was when young Draco Malfoy had been brought into the world, and even then... it wasn't really a moment he wanted to remember.

Ew. He shook the memories from his mind.

He couldn't do this! There was no way.

He began pacing the room. "Maybe this is just a false alarm," he thought aloud.

Bellatrix shook her head vigorously. "It's not," she snapped, clutching her stomach. Finally, she let out ear-piercing scream. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Voldie jumped. "AHHHHHHHH!"

"SHUT UP YOU BUFFOON!" she yelled. "OH SWEET WIZARDING GOD THIS HURTS!"

And this was why Bellatrix had vowed never to have kids. "GET NARCISSA!"

"She's conveniently some where far, far from the manor," Voldie cried. Shit. He just knew he shouldn't have sent her to get that useless magical mirror. But it was so beautiful—no. No, he should've known that the author was up to her old plot-twisty tricks—sending Narcissa off to get the mirror, and Rudolphus and Snape to the strip club. It was all one big lie. Suddenly, Voldie began hyperventilating. Things were not going well.

He began running around the room.

"I NEED DRUGS!" she screamed, death grip on the bed post, knuckles white. "SWEET DEMENTORS I'M DYING!"

Voldie continued running around the room, hyperventilating.

Suddenly, pop.

"My Lord," a nameless Death Muncher stumbled into the bedroom. "What's going—oh." The Death Muncher shuddered, and apparated back out of the room. Seeing Bellatrix give birth was something one couldn't just unsee.

"Men," Bellatrix spat through gritted teeth. They were so... predictable. Such sissies.

Suck it up like man-thing, and get with this, Voldie told himself. Slowly, he approached Bellatrix's side. She quickly slapped him across the face. "MORON YOU DID THIS TO ME! I HATE YOU! AHHHH—JUST SUCK IT UP!"

He nodded rapidly.

"MY LORD, YOU NEED TO CHECK IF YOU CAN SEE THE HEAD!"

Voldie turned a bright shade of green. "Check? Me?"

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE ANYONE ELSE IS HERE!"

"OKAY OKAY!" Voldie helped Bellatrix lie on the bed. He lifted up her dress, and suddenly let out an ear-piercing, bloodcurdling, sissy-girl scream. "OH MY WIZARDING GOD! BLOODY FUCKING HELL!" Then he collapsed onto the floor with a loud thump.

Bellatrix's eyes widened. "My Lord?"

Silence.

"Voldie?"

More silence.

"TOM FUCKING RIDDLE!"

Voldie jolted up. "Mommy!"

"MY LORD GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"

Suddenly he realized where he was. "Oh. Oh, I can do this!" He jumped up, and stuck his head under Bellatrix's dress. "Now Trixie, PUSH!"

"WHAT—NO!"

Voldie looked into her eyes. He was completely confuzzled. "What?"

"I—I—AHHHHH!"

"PUSH LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PUSHED BEFORE TRIXIE!"

And she pushed. And pushed. And pushed.

Still, the—

"WHAT IS THIS A BLOODY ROBERT MUNSCH BOOK!?"

Fine.

Bellatrix grabbed Voldie by the hem of his collar. "I. NEED. DRUGS!"

"Nope, it's too late now."

She gasped. "You don't know that."

"Plot purposes, Bellatrix, plot purposes."

"SCREW PLOT PURPOSES! AUTHOR I NEED DRUGS!"

Nah. Maybe later.

"Trixie, the head is out. Just one more big push!"

She shook her head. "NO!"

"YES!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"COME ON, TRIXIE, PUSH!"

Bellatrix was adamant. "I WON'T DO IT WITHOUT DRUGS!"

"You have to!"

Come on, Bellatrix. You can do it. I believe in you. So does Helena Bonham Carter. And the rest of the world. Even aliens from mars—

"YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER!"

*shrugs* I do what I can.

"Bellatrix, just one more!"

"YOU SAID THAT THE LAST FIVE TIMES!"

"I swear this is the last one!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Then, BAM. It was herethe baby was finally here. The highly anticipated baby heir of the Dark Lord, child of Bellatrix Black Lestrange and Severus Snape. Voldie froze, eyes wide with a mixture of horror and amazement. He quickly wrapped the wailing infant in a small quilted baby blanket made by the ever-loving hands of Lucius Malfoy. Voldie grinned.

"Well?"

Voldie snapped up. "Well what?"

"What is it?"

"Huh? Oh. It's a little baby girl."

Bellatrix fell back onto the bed. A girl. She had a little baby girl.

All that was left for her little angel—or rather, demon—was a name. And it had to be good, too. Not a sissy girl name like Penelope Grace. Gross. She still couldn't comprehend why the evilest wizard in the entire Wizarding World would pick such a name. No, this little girl needed a prominent name. Bellatrix Jr. was always an option, but she decided against it.

But she had to decide quick, before My Lord got carried away and named the baby something stupid. "Coochie coochie coo!" Voldie cooed, giggling like twelve-year-old. "Oh, you are so adorable my little—"

"Her name is Ariadne," Bellatrix said certainly. "Ariadne Demona Black."

"Ariadne Demona Black?"

Bellatrix shrugged. "Snape was rather fond of Ariadne. And Demona—well, that just sounds bloody awesome."

"I suppose it'll fit the girl," Voldie sighed. He looked down at the small bundle cradled in his arms. "My little Ariadne—"

CRASH.

The door to the dimly lit bedroom fell to the ground. Rudolphus pushed through angrily, gesturing wildly to the room. "See, Snape. You were worrying for nothing..." his voice trailed off as he saw Voldie with the newborn. "Bella, you had the baby?"

"Thank you Captain Obvious," she replied with a yawn.

Snape gasped. "It's a girl!" he shrieked. He pulled Rudolphus into a bone-crushing hug. Suddenly, he pulled away. "Can I hold her?"

"Hey, hey," Bellatrix piped up. "I haven't even got to hold the little demon."

Voldie reluctantly placed the baby into Bellatrix's open arms. Snape crawled into bed, and used his pinkie to hold onto her hand. Bellatrix glanced over at him. "Meet your daughter, Ariadne."

"Ariadne," he smiled. "She's so adorable."

Sniff.

"My Lord, are you crying!?"

"NO, IT'S JUST MY ALLERGIES," he cried, running from the room.

"Oh little one," Bellatrix cooed. "You will be the very best replacement for the Dark Lord while he enjoys his retirement. Oh yes. You have a lot to live up to, little girl."

Snape laughed. "Yes, yes you do," he looked over at Bellatrix, then down at Ariadne, grabbing both their hands. "We're a family now."

Bellatrix burst into laughter, not looking away from her daughter. "No, Snape," she cooed. "We're definitely not family."