"You must be strong now. You must never give up. And when people make you cry and you are afraid of the dark, don't forget the light is always there." -Unknown
Chapter Eleven: Uncomfortably Numb
The first time's the worst time
Then you become so uncomfortably numb
That you can't hide the fake smile
Stare into space with a look on your face
Her mind races. Her feet move along the sidewalk. And she finds herself…crying for the first time in a really long time.
Her sister was in a car wreck. She doesn't hear all the details Brooke gives her. She can't hear anything, the thought that her sister might be hurt or even worse, is killing her. But she can't just stand in that café and listen to Brooke. So, she turns around and walks back to the kitchen. She hears Brooke's frantic voice calling her back, but she can't turn back. Because she feels like she's facing a reality and right now she doesn't want to face any of it, even if she knows she should.
She hears the bell above the door ring and Brooke's voice disappears. She must have gone to the hospital. Katy doesn't blame her. Brooke should be there to check on things. It might be a while before Katy can really focus and actually force herself to go to the hospital.
She sits on the roof for a while. She's not sure how long, but the sun's starting to go down and maybe if she wasn't in this state of mind, she would think that that sunset is pretty beautiful. But she just watches it fall. She can hear birds chirping and kids playing on the sidewalk down below and the world's still moving, she realizes. And she doesn't like it. Her sister could be dead and people are walking by like it's nothing to them. And she just wants to scream at them, because it's her sister and Kimberly's all that she has.
Without her, there's nothing.
So, she starts crying. And everything hurts, inside and out, and she doesn't know how to deal with this. Her face is numb and her eyes are rimmed with red and she just wants to hit…something. Anything to release this pent up anger. She could lose her sister and all she can do is just sit here.
Arms wrap around her shoulders and she doesn't have to look up to know its Lily. She's happy she's there, because she doesn't know what to do after this. But Lily just holds her for the longest time and let's her cry and she just waits until Katy's ready. And maybe that's all she needed. Someone to just wait until she's ready.
"Let me drive you to the hospital." Lily says as Katy's wiping away the stray tears from her face.
"I don't know if I can see her." Katy admits quietly.
"I know, but going is the first step. We'll deal with the next when we get there." Lily forces Katy to look up at her. "I'm here, Katy. Everything's going to be OK." She promises and maybe she shouldn't make promises like that, but she feels that she needs to. Lily knows that deep down Kimberly can't leave. She can't leave Katy behind. No one's ready to have such a special life taken from them.
"Come on." Lily helps her up and walks her down the stairs. She sits her down at the counter while she locks up the place before finally taking her out to her car. The ride's quiet. No one bothers to fill the silence with the radio and neither dare to speak.
The ten minute drive feels like hours and when they reach the parking lot Katy doesn't hesitate to jump out of the car and run towards the entrance. She gets the information she needs from the lady at the desk and Lily has to run to make the elevator ride with Katy. The short ride has Katy fidgeting and as soon as the doors open she's bolting down the hall again.
It's when she sees everyone in the waiting room that she finally slows down. Lucas and Peyton are sitting next to Nathan while Haley walks from one end of the small room to the other. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Jamie bobbing his knee impatiently.
Everyone looks up to the two new figures in the room and in an instantly everyone's to their feet. It's Haley that pulls Katy away and Lily and Jamie are following close behind.
"What's going on? How's Kim?" Katy asks frantically.
"Doctor says she's gonna be fine." Haley says. Katy and Lily let out a huge sigh and Jamie makes sure to slip his hand into Katy's. Right now, she doesn't really care. She just wants to be with her sister. "But, she hit her head pretty bad and right now she's in a coma."
"But she's gonna be OK, right?" Lily asks
"That's what the doctor says. Right now, we just have to wait for her to wake up. However long that takes is up to her."
"Where's Brooke and Julian?" Lily asks, moving in front of Katy who seems to be in a state of shock.
"Kimberly was on her way to pick up Julian from the airport when she got hit. We tried calling him and leaving messages, but so far we haven't heard anything from him. And Brooke's in Kimberly's room waiting for her to wake up." Lily nods and walks over to sit next to her big brother. Haley looks to Katy and her son. She notices how pale Katy looks and the blank look on her face. "Katy." Haley catches her attention. "If you want, you can go talk to her."
Katy looks at Haley with an empty expression and then down to the hand in hers. She gently lets go of it and suddenly she feels claustrophobic. "No thanks." She shakes her head before turning around to leave.
Everyone watches the girl leave and it seems as if no one's brave enough to go after her.
"I'll go get her." Haley says.
"No." Jamie stops her. "I'll go."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." He nods. "I made a promise to Kimberly."
^v^v^v^
He finds her sitting outside on a bench under a tree. He watches her for a few moments as she runs her fingers through her hair. He can see the stress in her eyes and the worry on her face. He feels so bad for her. And all he wants to do is just help.
His steps are large, as all he wants to do is get over there to her and just talk to her, even if she doesn't feel like talking.
"She's OK, Katy." He says taking the seat next to her and looking out towards all the people passing by them.
"I know." She nods, looking down at her feet kicking the dirt. "But there was a possibility that she couldn't have been."
"You can't think like that, Katy." He says trying to get her to look him. "Everyday we wake up taking the chance that we're gonna get hurt, and most of the time nothing happens."
"But something did happen!" She snaps at him, finally looking at him. "Something happened to Kimberly."
"She's fine, though."
"But that doesn't make it OK!" She yells, drawing the attention of the people close by. Jamie looks to the strangers and then back to her. He doesn't care about them. It's just her. "You don't get it, Jamie. If Kimberly's gone, then I have nothing."
"First off, Kimberly's still here. And secondly, you wouldn't have nothing. You'd still have me, because I told you from day one that I'm gonna be here and I haven't let you down yet, have I?"
She just nods her head and looks back down to her feet, kicking the dirt below. He takes a big risk with her and reaches over to hold her hand. And it surprises him when she doesn't pull away or give him a glare. She doesn't do anything. And he thinks maybe he could get used to this. Being there for her all the time.
"I still don't want to see her." She says quietly. "Not when she's like that."
"OK." He nods. "We'll wait until she wakes up."
^v^v^v^
She can hear their voices. The doctors, the nurses, her friends and family. They say that she can't hear them and doesn't understand what's going on, but Brooke doesn't believe them. So she keeps talking to her. And she's never been happier to hear that voice ever in her life. She zones in and out of what Brooke's saying, but she can feel her hand holding hers and that alone is good enough.
Her brain has seemed to stop and she can't get it to start working. She wants to wake up and hug her mom. She wants everyone to know that she's OK. She just can't get her brain to start working.
It's only Brooke's voice that she hears. Knowing her mom, she probably hadn't allowed anyone else in the room. But it's still comforting to know that everyone else is waiting close by.
"You're an idiot, you know that." She hears Brooke say through scattered tears. "You can't scare me like this, OK? You have to wake and tell me you're OK or else I won't be able to sit here and look at you like this. So just wakes up." She says clutching her daughter's hand a bit tighter. "Just wake up."
She doesn't wake up.
A few more hours pass by and eventually the sun goes down. She can feel the presence of someone else in the room and she's glad to hear that it's Peyton's voice trying to convince Brooke to go get some coffee.
"I got to stay here." Brooke simply tells her. Peyton just nods, understanding her situation and walking out of the room. "You hear that." Brooke says to the sleeping Kimberly. "I'm not going anywhere until you wake up, so hurry because I really have to pee." She tries to joke, but it's only followed by silence.
It's another hour and Kimberly senses the tiredness in Brooke's voice. But she's still talking because she believes Kimberly can hear her and that maybe it will help some. It's helping, Kimberly can feel it. She can feel one of her fingers move, Brooke doesn't notice it, but Kimberly can feel her body take over and do it. It feels kind of good. She just wants Brooke to see it though.
"OK," She hears Brooke's voice again. "You're forcing me to do something that I don't like to do. But because you're my daughter and because I need you to wake up, I'm going to do it. I'm going to be vulnerable." She says looking down at Kimberly's hand and giving it another squeeze.
"I need you, Kimberly. Honestly, you're the only one that really understands me and you're the only one that knows what's going on right now. I need you. I can't lose you. Not like this."
She swears she feels it. The slight movement of fingers when someone's waking up. Brooke looks down at the fingers intertwined with hers, waiting for that movement she knows she didn't just imagine. And they do it again and each time the grip gets stronger. Brooke looks up just in time to see Kimberly's droopy eyes open.
"Hi." Kimberly croaks.
"You scared the hell out of me." Brooke says standing to her feet and hugging the girl in bed.
"What happened?" She says adjusting her eyes to the light in the room.
"You don't remember?" Brooke asks seeing Kimberly shake her head no. "You got into a car wreck. You ran a stop sign and someone hit you." Kimberly doesn't remember that part. She just remembers seeing her mom and actually talking to her. Everything after that is a blur.
"Is the guy OK?"
"Yeah, he's fine. You're worst than he is. Doctor says you have a few bruised ribs and you're leg is banged up pretty good, but other than that you're perfectly fine. So this whole coma thing was totally unnecessary."
"Sorry, I just wanted to make a big show." She chuckles.
"Well, don't do it again." Brooke says kissing the girl's forehead.
Brooke takes a seat back in the chair and grabs her daughter's hand again. The two just smile at each other as Kimberly gets used to the new found energy she's trying to gain. Brooke helps her sit up in bed and gets her a glass of water.
"Where's Katy?" Kimberly asks once she's all situated.
"She's right out in the waiting room. I'll go get her." Brooke says standing from her chair and walking out into the hall.
It's not long before the door opens again and Kimberly's staring into the dark blue eyes of her little sister. She looks like a wreck, like she hasn't had any sleep in the last few hours and she almost looks like she's been…crying. Brooke stands in the doorway and watches as Katy slowly closes the small gap between the two sisters.
Katy gently takes a seat on the bed and can only stare at Kimberly. Kimberly just gives her a small smile, telling her that she's fine and it's then that Katy realizes how close she came to losing her. She leans down and wraps her arms around Kimberly and starts letting everything out. Kimberly tries to soothe her and move the hairs away from her face, but they both don't care. Kimberly realizes that this is it. This is that something Grace was talking about. It's a breakthrough.
"Hey," Kimberly says, making Katy lean up, "You're not getting rid of me that easily." She smiles. Katy only nods and lays herself down in the bed beside Kimberly.
^v^v^v^
As she feels the normal pattern of the girl's breathing, Kimberly finally lets out that breath she's been holding. She can finally relax, because now she knows that she's OK and Katy's OK and nothing else really matters.
Brooke went home to change and so far almost every one of the group has managed to sneak in against the doctor's orders. They just want to make sure she's OK, which is something she loves about them. She's like a child to every one of these people, not just Brooke. Even now, as she's an adult, she still feels like these people are her true parents.
Haley and Nathan sneak in first and it takes everything in Haley to keep herself from crying. Nathan rolls his eyes and chuckles when he sees Kimberly try to stifle her laugh. And only Jamie can understand the sleeping girl in her arms. They quickly leave when the nurse shoots them a look, but not before Kimberly gets a hug from each of them, all without managing to wake up Katy.
Hannah shows up next and even Kimberly's surprised to see her.
"What are you doing here?" she asks when her best friend walks in the room.
"My best friend's in a car accident and you expect me not to show up. What kind of person do you think I am?" She chuckles sitting down in the chair beside the bed.
"You didn't have to come. I'm fine."
"I know." Hannah nods. "But I figured you might need my help around the house, so, I think I'll stay a while."
Kimberly sighs, not liking the idea one bit. "What about work? You can't just take off all of a sudden."
"I can if it involves my best friend." She says grabbing Kimberly's hand and staring her in the eye. "Besides," She shrugs, "I like Tree Hill. It's kind of growing on me." They both chuckle. She remembers being a teenager and telling Hannah that's exactly what happens when you get to Tree Hill. It grows on you and eventually you're there so long that you just can't leave. Any other place would just seem strange to you. That's what she loves about this place.
"I'll see you tomorrow." Hannah smiles and gets up from the chair.
"Thanks, Hannah." Hannah just gives a nod and looks from Kimberly to the sleeping girl in her arms. And the only thought in her mind that maybe things are going to get better.
It's a while before she gets another visitor. And she's happy to see Peyton standing in the doorway. "Hey." Kimberly says trying to sit up in bed without waking the girl up in her arms. "Where's Lucas?"
"He's pulling the car around." She shrugs. "How you feeling?" She says taking the seat beside the bed.
"I'm doing better. I got a banged up leg and a few bruised ribs, but the doctor says I'll be just fine." Kimberly says shrugging it off like it's nothing. And it is to her, but to everyone else, it seems to be big deal.
"That's good." She nods. "But just to be safe, I don't want you back at work until you can walk again."
"Peyton." She starts, shaking her head.
"No, I mean it." She interrupts. "I can't have you wobbling around the studio and falling down stairs. So do as your boss says and don't come back until you can walk on that leg again, no matter how long it takes."
Kimberly just smiles and looks down at the girl sound asleep in her lap. She looks back up at Peyton who was watching Katy too. "Thanks, Peyton."
"No problem. You just worry about getting better."
"I will." She nods. "But can you do me a favor?" Peyton looks at her quizzically and nods her head. "You think Katy could stay with you for the night? Brooke's not here to take her home and I don't really want her staying by herself. It'd just be for tonight."
"Sure." Peyton smiles.
Kimberly looks down to Katy and nudges her gently. The teenager mumbles something before trying to turn around to her other side. The two adults laugh. "Katy." She whispers. "Katy, you need to get up."
Katy leans up in the small bed and tries to wipe the sleep from her eyes. She looks over to see Peyton in the room and notices the eerie quietness in the building. "What's going on?"
"You got to go. You're gonna stay with Peyton for tonight."
"Can I just stay here with you?" She asks, trying not to notice the smiles from both Peyton and Kimberly.
"Sorry, but it's been a long night and you got to get up early to go to Karen's and it's gonna take a lot more than your sister in a car wreck to keep you from going. You're still on my hit list, remember?" She chuckles, seeing that it's really not that funny of a joke. "I know you want to stay, Katy, but me and you both need to get a good night's sleep. But when you get home tomorrow, I'll be there. I promise."
Katy just nods her head and slowly stands up from the bed. Peyton stands to and grabs her purse before following Katy out the door. "Hey, Peyton," Kimberly stops her, "Thanks."
Peyton just nods and sends her a smile before walking out the door. Like a mom would. Now she's just waiting for her mom to show back up. Both of them.
It's not long before another knock comes at her door. She's almost asleep, but quickly wakes up when she sees Julian's smirk in the doorway.
"I didn't mean to wake you." He says quietly.
"You didn't." She assures, ushering him to come in more. He closes the door behind him and takes a seat in that chair beside her bed. Grabbing her hand he lets out a sigh of relief and looks up at her from under his brows.
"You scared me."
"I know." She nods.
"I feel like this is my fault. You were coming to get me."
"It's not." She says, struggling to sit up in bed more. Julian quickly gets to his feet and helps her by adjusting the pillows. She mouths a 'thank you' and settles back into the bed. "I was distracted. The accident had nothing to do with you."
"Well, in that case, you need to be more careful."
"I will, dad." She smiles at him when he sees that hint of a smirk he's trying to hide. He loves it when he hears her call him that. It means more to him when Kimberly says it than when Ally does. It sounds mean to admit, but it's not. He just loves how Kimberly accepts him as her father. "Since you're here, do you want to talk?"
"Sure." He nods, letting out a sigh.
"OK. Julian what's going on? Is it true?" He looks at her, not with hurt or eyes of disbelief, but they're ones filled with confusion and questions of his own. Before he can answer the door flies open and Brooke stands in the doorway. She looks at Kimberly and then to Julian and she just seems to freeze. It's the first time they've seen each other in a few months and they don't like the way they've had to do it.
"Kimberly needs to get some rest." Brooke says averting her eyes away from him. She doesn't bother to say hello or ask how he's doing. She just keeps it in a true Brooke Davis style and avoids the elephant in the room.
Julian nods and looks back to his oldest daughter. "We'll talk tomorrow." He promises and Kimberly gives him a nod before he stands and kisses her forehead and moves the loose strands of hair away from her face. He grabs his jacket and walks to the door where Brooke still hasn't moved.
"Ally's at Haley's right now. If you want, you can pick her up and stay with her tonight. She'd loved to see you." Brooke says quietly, but keeping her eyes forward.
Julian gives her nod and gently touches her arm, causing her to finally look at him. He sees those hazel eyes and he just wants to start apologizing for things he never did. He just wants her back; it doesn't really matter if he's done something wrong or not. "Thanks, Brooke."
Kimberly watches the whole scene and she hates to see her parents, two people that were always so in love, fall apart like this. Not like this. They've always found their way back to each other. Something like this can't break them.
She won't let it.
^v^v^v^
The small light in the corner wakes her up in the middle of the night. It was pretty late when she went to bed, but it's to the point where everyone in the world seems to be asleep. It's quiet and peaceful and it's a perfect time to just sit and think about the world. She used to do exactly that when she was kid, not so much now, though, there's a lot she can think about.
But right now she just wants to sleep. Her eyes blink open, trying to adjust to the small amount of light in the room and she can make out Brooke in the corner of the room reading a book. She leans up in bed, wiping away the sleep from her eyes. "Hey."
Brooke looks up from her book and gives a small smile. "Hey." She closes her book and walks over to the bedside. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"
"No." She lies. "What are you still doing here?"
"I wanted to make sure that you're OK." She shrugs rubbing the stray hairs that had fallen away from Kimberly's face.
"You heard the doctor, Brooke. I'm fine. You don't have to stay." She smiles.
"I know, but I don't feel right leaving you."
"Well, then get in." She says scooting over in the small bed and raising the blanket for her. "I'm not letting you sleep in that chair. It looks uncomfortable."
"You need to get some sleep, Kimberly. Good sleep." She says ignoring the spot next to her daughter.
"Mom, just get in the bed." She says one last time giving her a look of warning. Brooke rolls her eyes and gives out a sigh before taking the blanket and getting in the bed next to her daughter. "Hey, Brooke." Kimberly says once they're both comfortable.
"Yeah?"
"You left the light on." Brooke peeks over the blanket and sees the tiny light in the corner that she had forgotten to turn off. Brooke moves to get out of bed, but Kimberly pulls her back. "Just leave it." Kimberly shrugs and Brooke smiles and wraps her arm around her daughter's figure. It really does remind her of a time years ago when they slept like this every night.
They fall into a silence as they try to rest their eyes and fall asleep. But they can't. So, they pretend to be asleep, but they both know the other's faking it. Kimberly's talked to what seems like everyone today, everyone except Brooke and she feels like she has the most to say to her. She has questions to ask and things to say and admit. And she just needs her mom right about now.
"You really did scare me today." Brooke says quietly.
"I'm sorry."
"I mean, I know it was an accident and that you're OK, but…what if you had died?" Kimberly turns around in the bed to protest this conversation, but Brooke stops her. "You got to think about that kind of stuff, Kimberly. What would happen to Katy if you die? You're all she has left. She can't lose you. I can't lose you. None of us can."
"I know." Kimberly nods. "But, Brooke, I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon.
"Yeah, but that's thing about accidents. They're never planned. So, just be careful, OK? There's too much to lose."
"OK." She says moving as close to her mom as she can. "So, did you see Katy when she came in here?" Kimberly chuckles, trying to change the subject.
"Yeah."
"I mean, I loved it and everything, but it was kind of weird to see her like that. I haven't seen nice Katy in while."
"That's what fear does to you. It makes you realize what can be gone in just a flash." Brooke feels a faint nod against her stomach and she rubs her hand along Kimberly's arm, trying to comfort the girl. There's a silence again and maybe this time they'll fall asleep.
But of course she starts thinking about Brooke's words. And how things can disappear so fast from your life. It makes you wonder if you ever really had a chance to reach out and grab it.
"Hey, Brooke, can I ask you a question?"
"What?" She mumbles.
"Did Tyler happen to come by?" Kimberly asks looking up at her mother's half asleep face. She doesn't even open her eyes or stiffen at the name. Brooke thinks the two are just friends, or that's what Kimberly thinks anyway.
"No." She shakes her head lightly. Kimberly rest her head back down, somewhat disappointed. "But you did get flowers from someone named Charlie."
Kimberly looks up again. First to her mother and then around the room. Her eyes land on the bouquet of flowers on the table across the room. The faint light helps her see the beautiful red tulips.
And the thought of Tyler never showing up is erased with the thought of Charlie.
