A/N: This chapter is Edward's point of view, hopefully it clears any confusion.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but I really love it!!
Chapter 11: Edward's Mind
Edward's POV
I couldn't believe my words came back to bite me in the ass. I really did find a distraction when I gave into Tanya's advances all those years ago. She distracted me from my pain, loneliness and the numbness. She could never take away my love and longing for Bella. Even after I thought she was dead I longed for her. I spent many days alone pining for her. I replayed that beautiful night in my head over and over again it was the best night of my existence. What a fool I had been to leave her. After five years I gave up, I had to let her go. Though I never really did. I was a shell of a man. Tanya brought me back out if it some, we had good times and I enjoyed her companionship. I was never anything but honest with her. I was never in love with her. She kept trying to change my mind. I just couldn't give her what she wanted.
So, I felt guilty, I didn't stop her as she did as pleased because it made her happy or it seemed to. We stopped being lovers along time ago. She asked me if I objected if she fulfilled her needs elsewhere. I couldn't object because, I wouldn't fill them, I didn't want to lead her on anymore. I hoped she would find someone who could love her. We just were just friends and companions. I was selfish because I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my existence. I knew she felt more for me, than I did for her. I think she was trying to make me jealous, but I never was. She was free to leave at anytime. I'm not really sure why she stayed. Everyone else thought we were mates, but really we haven't been for a long time. My loyalty to her is out of family obligation, all the Denali's are family and we stand by family. It didn't matter what would have happened with the Volturi, I was going to pursue Bella, Tanya knew this, she didn't like it, but she knew she owed me. Then she died and I was flooded with so much pain and guilt.
I'm so confused. My mind is racing with so many things. I have a daughter, she is beautiful and wonderful. Bella is alive, there just aren't words to describe how elated I am. My love, my Bella and she is alive. The day they came here, I noticed Elizabeth's features immediately. I could read her thoughts, her mind is kind. She was frantically worried about Bella that day. I could see their bond and how strong it is was. The guilt smothered me, when I learned Elizabeth was mine and Bella had her all by herself. I sucked it up long enough to tell her our situation. I just wanted to touch her again, to make sure they were real and not an elaborate daydream.
I spent the days before Tanya's death talking to her, making peace with her. I had a feeling she knew her fate, but she would not talk about it. She blocked her thoughts from me. We spoke about our relationship, her family, the past and random petty things. I tried to keep her calm. I thought she would be upset about Elizabeth being my daughter and Bella being alive, but I noticed that Tanya and Elizabeth had became fast friends, she didn't really speak about Bella. I was grateful to Bella for keeping her distance.
When Tanya ran that day, my world came crashing down around me. All the guilt, remorse, longing, fear and anger felt like the whole of the earth imploded around me. I couldn't face anyone, especially Bella. I felt her at my door, day in and day out. I knew she wanted to help me. I couldn't accept that from her. After all I put her through she was still at my door. I would sit on the opposite side of the where only six inches of wood and drywall separated us, her presence soothed me. I could feel the electricity through the wall. I did not deserve her kindness. I let her in because I wanted to be near her. We went hunting and I saw her eyes on me and I could see the lust in them, my body couldn't help but respond. She was so graceful, beautiful and damn sexy, as she hunted, my instincts took over when I saw the blood on her mouth; I had to taste her, right then. I physically expressed, the horrible emotions I buried deep inside me in that kiss I planted on Bella. I wanted her, I needed her and I did not deserve her, but I wanted to take her. Bella stopped me and when I got my composure, I realized that I was hurting her and that sent me spiraling even deeper. I had to hurt her again to keep her away from me. I couldn't control myself around her. Then she actually left and I was devastated. I figured my chances with her were all gone.
The day Elizabeth came in and showed me the love Bella had for me, my heart soared. Then she showed me that Tanya knew she was going to die, she showed me how much Tanya loved me. I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. Not only did I not love Tanya, but I was relieved she was gone. This brought another wave self loathing. I had no right to string Tanya along like that. The earth crashed around me again. I wanted to go, I wanted to beg Bella to give me a chance. I was in no emotional state, to be anything but a burden to her.
Riley came in and asked for my blessing and my heart tingled with a small sliver of hope. I am elated that he wants to share his life with Elizabeth. His thoughts are full of nothing but love and I recognize the pure trueness of the love they share. It is the same love I feel for Bella. The same love we shared, especially the night we made Elizabeth. He was right, I was making things way to complicated.
I tried to regain a sense of normalcy, I started to reconnect with my family letting them in slowly. I ventured out of my room and went to talk to Jasper. Bella had been gone almost two months. I needed his advice but mostly I needed to apologize for my emotional roller coaster I have put him through.
"Hello, my brother I'm glad you are felling better." Jasper smiled at me patting my shoulder.
"Jasper, can I talk to you, privately?"
"Sure, but please try to keep your emotions in check." I nodded and we took off into the woods.
We stopped running and I looked at him, "I'm sorry for the emotional mess I have been in and for causing you pain."
"It's ok. What's up Edward?" My brother asked me, his face kind and open.
"I'm lost Jasper. Where do I go from here?" He chuckled, and I stood there shocked at his reaction.
"It is really simple Edward, where do you want to go." I chuckled he took me literally.
"I want to go to Bella, I'm scared it is to late for us."
"Have you even asked her Edward, have you even tried to reach out to her? Don't you think she is worth the effort. Give her a chance to decide, let her help you. I know you think you don't deserve to be happy or you don't deserve her, but you are wrong." Jasper paused.
"The door of fate has opened for you Edward, it has brought you Elizabeth and it has brought you Bella. It is a miracle Edward, stop this and appreciate these gifts you have been given. Fate has decided you are worthy. Please Edward go to her, lay it on the line for her, see where fate will lead you." Jaspers words spoke to the depths of my soul.
I knew what I had to do.
"Thank you Jasper."
"Anytime, go get her." He smiled brightly at me.
I left for Seattle.
