Quick thank you to everyone who's left a review so far! I always really love to get your feedback.
Carol D: I'm afraid I can't reply directly to guest reviews, so I'll reply here :) In chapter 10, I totally see why '"Is You really worth all of this, Shinobu?"' would be confusing, but 'You' is Miyagi's first name - Shinobu just calls him by his surname but Risako calls him by his first name since they were married. I've seen people spell it differently (some You, some Yoh - I guess the 2nd would be easier to read, but as I've called him You so far, I'll stay consistent for this story anyway). Thanks for pointing it out though, I do want to know if anyone spots any errors as I'm a bit of a grammar freak so will go back and correct them! :D
Chapter 11
Miyagi groaned lightly and rolled over yet again. Burying his face in the pillow, he let out a deep sigh. It was no good. He couldn't sleep, and besides, his bed felt too big and cold. After a year of waking up beside another warm body, he was no longer used to lying alone.
It was shocking really how quickly he had got used to falling asleep and waking up with Shinobu beside him. Now they had been apart for two months – one month while he was in Hokkaido and another since the boy's family had found out about their relationship – but he still hadn't grown accustomed to being on his own again. Each morning he woke up, reached out a hand to caress his lover and blearily opened his eyes in surprise as for the umpteenth time he rediscovered his loss.
He couldn't stand it anymore.
Pushing the covers back, he dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom before heading into the kitchen to make some breakfast. It was early on Saturday, and he was in no rush. He sat at the table slowly chewing a piece of toast and flicking through yesterday's paper. He was just swigging a glass of water when there came a knock at the door.
He walked over, confused as to who would be visiting at that time of the morning, and opened the door. His face drained of colour when he saw who it was.
Risako stood before him, looking very prim in a grey pencil shirt and pale pink fitted polo neck.
"May I come in?" she enquired, looking him over.
Miyagi was not looking nearly so neat. He hadn't yet dressed and was merely wearing the boxers and grey T shirt he had worn to bed, a few crumbs stuck to the front of his shirt. His hair was mussed and a hint of stubble grazed his jaw.
He leaned against the door frame and studied his ex-wife, frowning.
"You can't, no, not if you're here to lay into me again. I've done what you asked, I've stayed away from Shinobu. It's over between us. You got what you wanted. So you can piss off."
Risako looked slightly amused; Miyagi was never normally one for using bad language.
"I'm not here to have a go at you, You. I just want to talk, that's all."
"What about?"
"Let me in and you'll find out."
Miyagi sighed and drew back, reluctantly opening the door wider to let his ex-wife enter. Risako slipped off her shoes and dropped her bag in the entryway, making her way into the living area. It was meticulously tidy, apart from the mountain of books and papers scattered over the dining table. A small gap had been made in the pile, where Miyagi's breakfast plate still sat.
"Still busy as usual, I see," she commented.
Miyagi came up behind her.
"Get to the point, Risako. What do you want?"
She turned and studied him for a moment before seating herself comfortably on the sofa. Looking up at her ex-husband, she answered,
"I want to know exactly what Shinobu means to you."
"What?" Miyagi said incredulously.
"You heard me. It seems to me that you risked quite a lot when you wantonly seduced my brother… I want to know why. Why him?"
Miyagi sat down opposite her, staring in amazement.
"I can't believe you've asked me that. I thought you were all firm believers of the 'Miyagi's the root of all evil' school of thought? You're actually willing to hear me out? Fair and square?"
"Yes. I can't promise it'll change my mind, you know. But I have to admit I'm curious about the two of you. So, are you going to answer my question? Why did you want Shinobu, what does he mean to you?"
Miyagi paused, contemplating, before answering,
"In truth – when Shinobu first came to me, he meant nothing. He was just some annoying kid who kept pestering me. I thought his declaration of his feelings for me was a farce. I was still like you remember me, still in love with Sensei. I didn't feel I had room for anyone else, and I didn't want room – especially for a kid half my age, and male!
Contrary to what you and the rest of your family may believe, I didn't go into this blindly. I'm fully aware of all the many, many issues that face us. But yes, what you said is true, I have risked a lot, and I did so knowingly and willingly.
I didn't even notice at first the effect that he had on me. You probably are justified in calling me indifferent, but I'm not heartless – as much as he was a pain, I still never wanted to hurt him, even though I did want him to give up and just leave me alone.
The thing is, he's addictive. I didn't even want him and suddenly I found I couldn't stop thinking about him. At work, at home, he invaded my thoughts, I worried about him all the time, he pushed everything else out of my head – even Sensei! You were shocked when you heard that – believe me, I was a hundred times even more shocked than you! It's never happened before, never – and not just with you, but everyone I've ever tried to be with. And against my will, this kid comes along and just takes over everything.
He's just like a little terrorist!
It's not like it's all perfect, of course not. There is a big age gap and we're quite different from each other. And you know Shinobu, he's bloody stubborn, it's not always peaceful having him around.
But I just can't help it. I really do love him. With Sensei – we loved each other but we couldn't really be together properly. And when she got ill, everything was tainted with sadness, with fear. Her love was the kindest, purest love – but it was bittersweet, it pulled me down for so many years. Or rather I let it pull me down…
Falling for Shinobu was hard – I didn't want it and the guilt and anxiety were overwhelming… But once it had happened, it was… like being reborn, like coming alive again. It's a strange analogy, but you know when you lie on your arm and it goes numb – you can't feel anything and it's like your arm isn't even part of your body anymore.
Then when you get up and the blood rushes back, you get those horrible, uncomfortable pinpricks of pain all over. But when that's over, you're back to normal, your arm is fine, fully functioning and a part of you again.
That's what Shinobu did to me. He brought me out of myself, out of those years of numbness and indifference and breathed life back into me. Painful and unwanted at first, but then becoming a vital, indispensible part of me.
I don't think I even felt as much as this for Sensei. That's why I was willing to risk everything to be with him. Even knowing that all the odds are stacked against us, even at the risk of losing my job, my good name, even the thought of us both being ostracised by everyone we know and love – I'd face it all again if I could be with him now.
He has his faults, of course! He can be rude, quick tempered, he jumps to conclusions all the time. For a smart kid he sometimes comes out with the weirdest ideas! And he cannot cook to save his life! The number of times I've feared for the safety of my kitchen… But he's still the kindest, sweetest, most selfless person I've ever met. And after nearly two decades of seeing the world through a misty, grey haze, he's opened my eyes and shown me just how bright and colourful it really is.
And I know, that's ridiculously cheesy! Probably not something you want to hear your ex saying about your little brother, and if I were more myself at the moment (after all, it is only 07.45 on a Saturday morning…) I doubt I'd let these words pass my lips! But you asked why, and there you go, I've told you."
Miyagi fell silent, calmly observing his ex-wife. She was sitting with her hands resting on her lap, right leg crossed over the left, simply watching him.
She didn't quite know what to think; once he had started, the words had poured out of Miyagi's mouth and he did seem genuine.
"And you… when you look at my brother… you actually desire him?" she asked hesitantly.
Miyagi looked a little embarrassed at the question. He looked away from his ex-wife.
"Yes," he replied simply.
This was the part that Risako was having trouble dealing with; she loved her brother and had once cared for Miyagi, so could understand that they could grow to care for each other. But romantically? Sex?! That was crossing a whole other line.
"Was it just him? I mean, have there been other guys that you've liked before…?"
"No," Miyagi quickly replied. "Never. But I've told you before, it's not about whether he's male or female, I'd love Shinobu either way, just because he is Shinobu. But he is a guy, and that's not put me off."
"So you're attracted to him then. Physically."
Miyagi sighed. "Haven't I already answered that question? Yes, I'm attracted to him physically. We've been together for a while, things have happened and we've both enjoyed it. Ok?"
Maybe he should have tried to be a bit more delicate about it, he suddenly thought, as he saw Risako's hands curl into balls and her lips press into a thin line.
Risako felt her heart pounding as her ex-husband talked candidly about the pleasure he got from sleeping with her kid brother. She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down.
"And what if we hadn't found out? How long would this relationship have gone on? How long 'til the excitement wore off and you remembered your sensei and forgot all about Shinobu again? I don't want my brother to be overlooked because of some old, tatty picture like I was."
"Picture?" Miyagi blinked, confused. "Oh, that one? I haven't looked at that for months, I can't even remember where I put it. I've told you, I've put Sensei behind me. I won't go back to that. I'd keep Shinobu here by my side for the rest of my life if he'd have me. Though, as I told your father, I wouldn't want to become a burden on him. He is right to worry that Shinobu would spend precious years of his life caring for his old, decrepit lover… But I wouldn't let it get like that.
Anyway, anything else you want to question me on? Only time's getting on and I'd like to get dressed at some point today."
Risako took the hint and rose to her feet. Miyagi walked her to the door, neither of them saying anything. She picked up her bag and slipped her feet into her shoes, before resting her hand on the door knob.
Before leaving, she said quietly,
"Thank you for speaking to me, You. I needed to understand."
With that, she opened the door and made her way to the lift at the end of the hallway.
Risako didn't go home straight away; instead she wandered about the city, lost in her thoughts, unconsciously heading to some of the places that she had visited with Miyagi: the restaurant where they had gone for their first wedding anniversary, the group of cherry blossom trees in the park where she had brought him for a picnic, even the library where he had spent so many hours, leaving her bored and alone in the apartment.
She had a lot of memories of Miyagi, both good and bad. It had been a long time since she had thought about them. Now she wondered: did Miyagi take Shinobu to these places? Where did they go, what did they do? Did they walk along laughing and holding hands? Did Miyagi hurry home from work or the library, anxious to see Shinobu's face?
Could he really be a proper partner for her young brother, instead of the cold person she had been married to?
And if so, could she cope with the fact that her brother had succeeded where she had failed?
If they got back together, they wouldn't need to hide anymore. She would have to see them all cosy and happy together. They would kiss. They would do more than kiss. In truth, the thought of it made her feel very uncomfortable.
At last her feet grew tired from walking and her brain felt overloaded. Flagging down a taxi, she gave the driver directions home.
Entering the house, she heard a clattering sound coming from the kitchen. She walked in to find her mother putting away a few clean pans. She looked up when she heard footsteps.
"There you are, sweetheart! I've been wondering where you'd got to, you must have left early this morning. Where did you go?" Noriko asked.
Risako sank down on one of the kitchen chairs. She propped her head on her hand and stretched out her legs, wiggling her toes.
"I've been walking around mostly. I could do with a foot massage, my feet are really tired!"
"Ask your father!" her mother chuckled.
"Mum," Risako said in a small voice. "What do you think about all this business with Shinobu and You?"
Her mother looked up in surprise. She finished putting away the last few items and came to sit at the kitchen table with her daughter. She rested her hands on the table as she thought for a moment.
"Essentially – I agree with your father. Though to be honest, I think he could have handled the matter a bit more sensitively, that dreadful fiasco we had at the start could have been avoided. But Miyagi-kun isn't a good choice for Shinobu, at the very least he's far too old for him and it's very inappropriate given the history between the two of you."
Risako looked a little troubled. "So you don't think that they love each other?"
Noriko bit her lip. "No, actually I think they probably do love each other. Your father only saw a bit of that… tape… and it didn't really show them in the best light, I think. But I saw the end – and they were very loving towards each other. In fact, I thought it was rather sweet!"
Risako frowned at this. "Then why don't you think they should be together? If they love each other, if they're happy, why does the rest matter?"
"Of course the rest matters, Risako! Their feelings may be strong, but you can't just sweep away all the practicalities! Miyagi really is lucky to have got away as lightly as he did, he could have ended up in prison for this relationship. Where is all this coming from anyway? I thought that of all of us, you would be the one most against this relationship."
"That is how I felt at first…" Risako replied. "But You and I split up a long time ago, it's not for me to determine who he goes out with. If he had been with anyone else, I would never have got involved, I probably wouldn't even have cared.
Of course it feels strange to me – it's actually rather unbelievable, I sometimes think I'm just having a very long nightmare, but can't seem to wake up. But it's not just about my feelings – I want Shinobu to be happy too, and of course I expected him to be upset at first, but I figured with time he'd become happier – but he's not getting any better at all. I'm worried about him.
I spoke to him yesterday. I listened to what he had to say, which as he pointed out, none of us has bothered to do at all in the last month. And this morning I went to see You. I just… I'm starting to think that despite the age thing, and the bad experience You and I had with each other, he and Shinobu might actually be quite good for each other…"
Noriko stared at her daughter, hardly believing what was coming out of her mouth.
"Risako – you're saying you actually approve of their relationship?"
Risako hesitated. "… I think so… I've thought about it a lot… It seems to make Shinobu happy. And I'd noticed before that You had changed, that he seemed happier than when we were together. I think they're both aware of the problems with their relationship. And I guess I was one of those problems, but if I accept them, then at least that's one down."
Noriko frowned. "That's extremely understanding of you, sweetheart. I'm not sure I'd be able to cope if it were my ex-husband… Of course I want Shinobu to be happy. He's my main priority in all this, and the same for your father. But I'm sure there are other people out there who can make him just as happy."
"But if he's found someone now, why waste that? Why throw that away and go out with a bunch of wrong ones in the search to find another who's right? I've tried that myself! All the guys I've been out with lately have been a complete waste of time."
"But Shinobu is still too young!" Noriko insisted. "Seventeen years' difference is huge, and Shinobu still isn't even of age – certainly not old enough to be doing the kinds of things your father and I witnessed on that tape…" her voice trailed off.
"He's nineteen. He'll be twenty soon, practically of age, and surely that's plenty grown up. After all, if he dated someone else his own age, they'd probably still be doing the same things…"
Fighting for her brother, one by one Risako continued to break down each of her mother's arguments. In her mind's eye, Noriko kept seeing the vision of her son gazing in wonder at his lover's sleeping face; of the two of them curled up in each other's arms, teasing, laughing and loving each other. The memory of her beautiful son in tears, shaking with pain as his father roared at him and as he pushed his lover out the door, flashed before her eyes and at last her mind was made up. Her daughter was probably right, the pair deserved a chance to prove their love and commitment; besides, she could no longer bear to see her son in such anguish.
Giving in, she agreed with Risako that maybe it would be better to let Miyagi and Shinobu be together; at any rate, if it wasn't meant to be, the relationship would naturally run its course.
