Chapter 11: Longing

I Can't Quit You Baby by Led Zeppelin

~Bella Swan~

"Miss Swan?" A whiny voice broke into my consciousness.

What?

"Miss Swa-an?"

Goddamnit.

I looked up to find Lauren with her arms crossed and tapping her foot incessantly at my door.

"Yes Lauren, what can I help you with?"

"I can't figure out how to start my description for the Egyptian portion of the new exhibition."

I sighed. The last place I wanted to be was at work today. I was in a fog. I only wanted to be in one place.

Back at my apartment.

In bed.

With Edward.

Shit.

I shook my head trying to pull myself out of my lustful thoughts. They were only in my mind and in my dreams anyway. But it had been impossible since he left Thursday night. I took a cold shower, the first real cold shower I had ever taken in my life, only to go to bed and still have to take care of the burning need in my center. To top it off, I had a vivid dream of him. His hands, his lips, his hard muscular body pressed against mine. I felt like I was on fire when we were in the kitchen, I never wanted a man so much, so desperately. I thought about him all weekend, all the time.

"Miss SWA-AN?" Lauren harrumphed, and I sighed again and shut my laptop. My interns were a real pain in the ass this year. If it wasn't Mike Newton hitting on me, it was Lauren and Jessica whining and complaining about every project or assignment I gave them.

The problem was, Lauren was the daughter of a major contributor to the Met and I had to deal with her, at least for this summer anyway. Next year if she applied to the program I would place her in a different department.

I got up from my desk and walked out to the front area where the interns' cubicles were located. Suddenly I heard snickering.

What now?

I looked up to see the same delivery boy who had brought me blue salvia two weeks ago.

Was that really only two weeks ago?

Crap. That meant I was getting another set of flowers, and from whom I had no clue.

I quickly took the flowers from the boy and told Lauren I would be back in a moment to help her with her project.

I set the beautiful white flowers on the edge of my desk. The same place that I put the last two and grabbed the card. I knew what they were already but I thought just maybe the person sending them would finally identify themselves.

I opened the card and looked at the name.

Gardenia.

I sighed. Nothing more was included.

I stepped over to my computer and pulled up the same website.

Gardenia- I love you in secret.

What?

Who?

What the hell does that mean?

I stood there wavering in a state between bewilderment and trepidation over the random flowers sitting on my desk.

Who the hell would send me flowers that meant that?

Edward said he didn't send them.

James got angry when I asked him about the flowers.

Maybe he didn't send the first ones but had he sent the last two?

Who else could it be? It wasn't Charlie, or Sam and Emily or Renee.

Maybe someone was just fucking with me. But I didn't know anyone who would pull a practical joke quite like this.

Finally, I got up from my desk and walked out to help Lauren.

I felt more confused than ever and still in a fog. I wasn't sure what to make of it. I just knew I wanted to know who the flowers were from and soon because I didn't need any more craziness in my life.

Well eventually they had to send me something indicating who they were from. The person couldn't just keep sending me flowers forever.

*&^%$#

I walked home that night to find my apartment cold and lonely. After the sweltering heat that enveloped it on Thursday I couldn't help but notice how cold it seemed when Edward wasn't there. He had only been over twice, and one of those times was only for a brief moment.

But I found myself hoping, and longing for him to be there every night. I knew he had a job to do, and he was probably already risking a lot to see me. But I craved him. I craved his presence, and that thought exhilarated me and scared the hell out of me at the same time.

Not long ago I would have run from want like that. I had always fought off those feelings of desperation, especially after everything that happened with Alec.

I pushed open the door to my condo and breathed in the smell. It was home, but it was…colder somehow. I wanted to see him so badly, yet I knew he had to contact me.

Instead, I made my way into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine as I kicked off my shoes. I sat down at the breakfast bar and thought about the feelings running through my body. The intense desire, the longing, the…wonder about what lay beneath his tough façade. But somehow I knew. I knew that underneath that dark exterior, that black t-shirt and those piercing green eyes was a passionate, caring, and utterly heartbroken man. I just had to find a way into it.

Thinking about Edward made me immediately think about my weekend, and about the men in my life who had shown interest that I never gave the time of day…

Friday I spent in a haze and when I went to happy hour with Jasper, Rose, Alice, Kate and Jasper's friend Hale. I knew they were trying to set me up with Hale, they had tried before and I just wasn't interested. He was nice enough, but I had someone in my life, and not just any someone.

As the night progressed, they all gave me peculiar glances and wondered at my inattention.

When I caught a cab for home from the bar Alice put her hand on my arm as I got in.

"Are you okay Bella? You've been acting strange all night." She peered at me.

"I'm fine, Alice." I pushed out a smile. "I'm just tired. It's been a long week at work."

She nodded, but I knew she could tell I was lying. Once again when I made my way home on Friday night I was assaulted with images of him. I hadn't even washed my shirt from the day before and instead laid it across the chair in my room so I could have a bit of his scent. It was by far the strangest thing I had ever done regarding a man. I spent the night as restless and…burning as I had the night before.

Then on Saturday I left for Brooklyn to teach my class with Angela. It was our last class until after the holiday. We had a two week break before starting the next session. I was pleased to find out that Angela and Ben went on a date on Thursday night. She gushed to me about what a gentleman and how sweet he was. I tried to act excited for her. I had been one of the people to help set them up after all. But I felt myself longing for the ability to go out on a normal date with Edward.

Would it always be this way? Would we always just see each other in secret?

I knew I felt more attracted and connected to him than I could possibly fathom at this point. But was that enough? Was being with him in just the confines of my home enough?

After my class I went over to Charlie's for the baseball game. My Dad and the boys were all gathered in the living room as they had been the last time I was there. We sat and drank some beers and cheered for the Yankees when I noticed Jacob looked a little uneasy. He kept glancing at me and then quickly looking away. Then Leah would eye him and try to get their boys to settle down as they jumped around cheering for the Yankees.

Embry and Quil were seven and five now. I couldn't believe that he had a third one on the way. I couldn't imagine myself in that position right now. Children were the furthest thing from my mind. Hell, I couldn't even wrap my mind around the "somewhat" relationship I did have.

What did we have?

But I looked at Embry and Quil and began to wonder what I would think if it was Edward and not Jacob who invoked thoughts of children. Would it be different?

Somewhere deep inside me I knew the answer to that…and it scared the shit out of me.

I glanced at Leah, and she had a scowl on her face. Leah hated me; there was no question about that. Jacob had longed for me for many years before I finally told him to shove off. It was only then that he would give Leah the time of day. Jake was twenty-seven at the time and Leah was the same age. They married only a year later and had Embry a year after that.

The boys were named after each of their grandfather's on their father's side. The Clearwaters and the Blacks had moved to New York when they were just out of high school. They were both young couples in search of a new life and opportunities off of the Indian reservation they were raised on in La Push, Washington. Harry and Billy went to the police academy together and eventually were assigned to the same precinct as my father. The rest, as they say, is history.

In theory Leah and Jacob should have been the perfect match. They continued their Quileute bloodline regardless of the fact that they lived in New York. Their parents were the best of friends, well at least their Dads. Jake's Mom died in a car accident when he was five. He never had any siblings and because of that he and Brad were practically brothers.

Growing up with Jacob made me very attuned to his mannerisms and his moods. He seemed tense and jumpy and kept glancing around the room, unable to focus on the game. I noticed him step outside to take a phone call and wondered who he could be talking to. Leah exhaled loudly, and I furrowed my brow. Something was going on with the two of them and I surely hoped it had nothing to do with me. I couldn't imagine who he was speaking to outside of the room. All of his friends were there.

Yet, even with everything in front of him, he could never get past the affection he had for me and I couldn't understand it. How could he not see that Leah would do anything for him and the beautiful boys they had? How could he still make me uncomfortable just by being alone in a room with him?

I shook it off not thinking much more of it and finished watching the game.

I sat back in the chair and sipped my wine as I pondered the flowers once again.

Maybe Jake sent the flowers…a little voice in my head whispered as I sat sipping my wine.

I stopped.

No.

He wouldn't.

He's married, and as uncomfortable as he makes me, he's a father and he and Leah have another child on the way. I wouldn't let my brain go down that path. Jacob might still have feelings for me but he knew better than to act on them.

Didn't he?

I sat there frowning until suddenly I heard a buzzing and jumped up from my breakfast bar. I instantly knew what it was from as I raced toward the front door where I dropped my handbag.

I flipped open the phone and a smile spread across my face.

MZ~Tomorrow night?~YA

Without thinking I typed a response.

MA~ Yes. Dinner? This time I won't burn it :) ~YZ

Then I thought for a moment before sending another one. I might be longing for him in more way than one, but I might as well let him know that I definitely wanted a repeat of Thursday. Or more, if I was being honest with myself.

MA~Well, at least I won't burn the food ;) ~YZ

I bit my lip nervously as I waited for the response. I could only hope this might open up some friendly banter between us. I knew he was a serious man, but I also knew that he was quite witty when he let loose. His stories of Eric and Alice on Thursday were a testament to that. He gave me a glimpse of what I thought was the real him; the person he was before Eric had died. I ached when I could see his pain and longed to help him bring back that person. His façade had slipped for just a moment before he realized it and let it move back into place.

MZ~You can burn anything you want ;) ~YA

I giggled, actually giggled to myself, when I read his text. He was playing. Maybe this would be a good way to get him to open up?

I set the phone down with a big cheesy grin on my face as I set about to make something to eat.

Tomorrow night.

*&^%$#

"Alice, I told you I am fine. Work has just been really busy. It's June 23 already and the fundraiser is only a few weeks away."

"Bella, I'm just worried about you. I thought…well, I don't know…I hope you didn't think I wasn't being attentive to your feelings about James. You know I didn't care for him, but if you ever want to talk…"

"Really Alice, this has nothing to do with James." I sighed.

Your brother on the other hand…

"Ok Bella, just know that I am here for you. I just miss seeing you. You haven't been over since the night…" She trailed off. Obviously she wasn't supposed to talk about it.

Yes, Alice I haven't come over because I am secretly doing…whatever it is I am doing, with your brother behind your back.

"Thanks, Alice." I said simply and we gave our good-byes.

I clicked off my phone and grabbed my lunch to head towards Jasper's office. We were having lunch in the park again today. I knew my friends were going to become suspicious of the fact that I, for some reason, always wanted to be home early and didn't go out much the past two weeks. I couldn't tell them that I hoped my Apollo would drop by unannounced again.

No, they would definitely think I was crazy if I said that.

One thing was for certain. Edward and I needed to talk and I needed to know exactly what our boundaries were. Was I really under a gag order not to mention him at all? And was he always going to contact me first? And most importantly, how long was he going to be undercover?

"Hey Jazz. Are you ready?" I popped my head in and he looked up and smiled.

We walked to our spot in the Park and took in the sun and the gentle breeze that circled around us. I again felt a feeling of unease that I couldn't place. But I attributed it to the anxiousness I had for tonight.

I was going to see Edward tonight. And even with the longing and the questions I had, I was excited to see him. I felt so…alive whenever I was around him. Physically, mentally, emotionally, he made me feel in ways I had never felt before. A piece of me wondered if it wasn't due in part to the secrecy of the whole situation.

I decided to head things off at the pass though and started talking about the baby before Jasper could ask me why I had been acting strangely as well.

"So have you decided if you're going to find out what you're having?"

"Yes. We are going to find out. You know Alice, she couldn't handle the anticipation; it would kill her." He chuckled and I laughed with him as I ate my sandwich.

"Are you hoping for one or the other?"

"Not really. I am fine with either." He shrugged. But then his expression turned more serious.

"What's wrong, Jazz?"

"Oh nothing…I was just thinking about our discussion on names."

"Oh. You're already looking at names, isn't it a little early for that?"

"It wasn't so much that…" His eyebrows furrowed. "She would like to use the name Eric but she's afraid Edward might be upset."

I swallowed my sandwich and it made a knot in my stomach. I didn't want to lie to Jasper but at the same time my heart was begging me to tell him that I could ask him for them.

I knew that wasn't an option though.

"Well, maybe he will be done with his next assignment before the baby is born and you can ask him yourself."

Jasper harrumphed then. "Yeah. Maybe. If he even notices…"

"I'm sure he'll notice, Jazz."

Jasper turned and looked at me then and I could see a look of anger and sadness in his eyes. "Bell, Edward hasn't noticed anything since the day Eric died. Not Alice, not me, not his parents. Hell, his birthday was on Saturday and it was totally unnoticed by everyone. Yet, my wife noticed and she moped around the condo for most of the afternoon simply because she couldn't call him and wish him happy birthday and it made her miss both of her brothers." He sighed then.

Several thoughts ran through my head at once. Was he that callous? He didn't strike me that way. Sad, yes, but uncaring, never.

And his birthday was on Saturday. That was one little matter I was going to have to take up with him tonight.

I simply nodded and managed to get through the rest of lunch avoiding any more talk of Edward, or myself for that matter.

But by the end of the day I was nervous. Jasper's words about Edward not noticing anything seemed so contrary to his demeanor whenever I was around him. Not only that, but I decided to surprise him with something. I knew that whatever was between us was new, yet, I wanted to do something special for him. I suspected that part of Edward's demeanor stemmed from loneliness. It couldn't be easy working undercover and I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. There were people that thought of him and that he could talk to me, even if he couldn't tell me things about his mission.

After work I ran to the market to pick up fresh produce, meat and wine. I also grabbed a small cheesecake. I was planning to make a chicken cordon bleu, but on the lighter side and serve a fresh salad with it. Then I was going to surprise Edward with a small token for his birthday.

I walked home, anxious to see if Edward was already there. It was 6:30 when I walked into the apartment to find that he wasn't there yet. I turned on my iPod to listen to my classic rock list and set to work. I prepared the chicken and opened the wine. Once I had it in the oven and the timer set I stepped into the bedroom to toss on something a little more comfortable. I threw on some jeans with a lightweight summer sweater and brushed out my hair.

"Bella?" I smiled as I finished freshening up.

"In here." I called out.

I could hear his footsteps over the hard wood floor and stepped out of the bathroom just as he entered the bedroom.

I almost gasped when I saw him. He was not wearing his standard black garb.

Oh no. Tonight he looked entirely delectable in a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His hair was its usual unruly and extremely sexy mess. And his jeans were faded and worn in all the right places.

My mouth was watering, and I knew it wasn't from the scent of dinner permeating the apartment.

"Hi." He whispered, almost tentatively, or thickly. I couldn't quite tell.

"Hi." I walked over and stood right before him. I longed to touch him, to wrap my arms around him and drag him over to my bed, but I just wasn't sure what we were.

"You look great." He said with a smile and bent down to give me a light kiss on the lips.

My heart fluttered and I could feel my cheeks turning red as I bit my lip.

"Thanks, so do you." I whispered.

Understatement, but I am too tongue-tied to say anything else.

We stood there staring at each other for a moment when he cleared his throat.

"Um. I've uh, never seen this part of your home."

He hadn't seen my bedroom?

"Really? I figured with all of your sneaky capabilities you would have walked through the whole condo." I teased.

"I'm not a snoop, Bella." He tapped my nose playfully and I could see him smile. "Although, it did cross my mind. But no, I stayed in your living room the first night I was here."

"Well, this is my bedroom." I gestured to my cozy room. The walls were a warm sand color, billowy white curtains hung from my large windows and my king bed was covered in a plush chocolate brown comforter.

I turned back to Edward and saw his eyes focused on the bed as he swallowed. He looked back at me then and I knew the look in his eyes. It was the same one he had on Thursday night before he kissed me. His eyes were dark and lustful and their penetrating stare instantly made my body tingle.

"It's…enticing." He said thickly.

Fuck.

How could he always say things that made me quiver with want for him?

I stepped forward and gently put my hands on his chest.

"That it is." I said lowly and leaned up to kiss him lightly again. Our lips met and just as it did every time, the connection set fire to me. But I pulled away and grabbed his hand.

"C'mon, I promised I wouldn't burn dinner this time."

He nodded and took a deep breath. I didn't know how the attraction between us could be so intense, but it was obvious he felt it too.

We strode back to the kitchen with me holding his hand. The action felt so natural. My thoughts of earlier were swept away now that I was in his presence. Somehow, even with the intense desire I had for him and the sexual tension that we created, I felt entirely comfortable with him. We were getting to know each other, as evident by tonight's "date" or whatever it could be called. But I also knew I felt like I had known him for a lifetime, and I couldn't explain it or wrap my mind around it.

"I was just about to prepare the salad. Does a light poppy seed dressing sound good?"

"That sounds perfect." He smiled.

"Wine?" I held up the bottle and he nodded.

I poured him a glass of wine and we chatted about my day. I told him about the flowers that I received yet again, and he seemed concerned. I didn't tell him what they meant, because I still wasn't sure what to make of the whole thing either. Not only that, but he hardly knew any of my friends or family other than Alice and Jasper, so I knew he probably wouldn't have much insight in that respect.

We moved about the kitchen and laughed and talked. It was so comfortable, but somewhere in the back of my mind my worries from earlier in the day resurfaced.

How much could he really give me?

Was he unnoticing, uncaring, too caught up in his grief to give me what I wanted?

Wait. What I wanted? What did I want?

I knew I wanted him, and the intensity of that feeling was so foreign and exciting and terrifying to me, I had to shove it back. I didn't want to get hurt. I also didn't know how much of him I could have, and that thought made me nervous.

"Bella, are you okay?" He asked and I looked up from the salad bowl. I was standing there with the dressing in my hand, mid-air over the bowl just staring into space.

I shook my head. "Yeah, sorry. Just a little dazed for a minute." I said but quickly looked back down.

He lightly touched my arms and the heat from his fingers burned my skin. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was nothing." I smiled but it didn't reach my eyes. I quickly tossed the salad and handed it to Edward who was still looking at me intently.

"Here, why don't you set this on the table…the chicken should be almost ready."

He nodded but I could tell he wasn't completely buying it. As he stepped out of the kitchen, I took a moment to collect myself. I knew we had some major hurdles to get over before whatever this was could go anywhere.

I pulled out the chicken, plated it and sliced some of the fresh bread I bought at the market as well. I picked up my cheese sauce and walked into the living room to find Edward shuffling through my iPod.

"Did I ever tell you how ridiculously similar our tastes in music are?" He laughed. I was glad to see our light mood was returning.

"You mean you have a penchant for eighties music and top forty dance music." I teased.

He laughed again. "No, not that. I mean your classic rock list." He held up the iPod and grinned.

"Oh yeah." I walked over and looked at it. "I know your favorite is Led Zeppelin, but who else do you like?"

"Pretty much all of these. But my second favorite it is probably the Stones."

I chuckled. "Me too." I said as I stepped a little closer and once again the electric current between us hummed.

"Dinner is ready. Shall we eat?"

He nodded then and put the iPod back on the station and set it to the Rolling Stones' Miss You.

I smiled to myself as I sat at my seat.

"You know, my brother loved the Stones too. He had this old electric guitar and he taught himself how to play. He was pretty good." I said as I cut up my chicken.

He smiled and then took his bite and closed his eyes and groaned. "Oh my God Bella, this is fantastic."

I blushed. "Thanks."

"Seriously, how did you become such a great cook? Which you obviously are, I am sure the steaks would have been great too if I hadn't distracted you." He smirked at me.

I shrugged. "After my Mom left, Brad and I had to take care of each other. I also spent a lot of time at my Grandma's after school, and she taught me a lot."

We continued on chatting about our grandparents and I learned about his. Edward didn't seem too fond of his grandparents, a sentiment Alice and Jasper shared with me. I never met them, but I had seen them at the Met Fundraiser a few times. They were both tall and very distinguished looking with white blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. Carlisle obviously looked exactly like them. But there was a difference, Carlisle radiated warmth and Sasha and Jan did not; they seemed cold.

We continued chatting, and I told him some more about my brother and growing up in Brooklyn.

"I think I would have liked your brother." Edward said.

"I think he would have liked you too…you two have a lot in common. Both in law enforcement, similar taste in music, the Yankees." I laughed.

"So how much older than you was Brad?"

"Five years."

"He was probably pretty protective of you then, huh?"

I smiled. "He was, but so was everyone in my neighborhood. All the boys we grew up with were the sons of cops or wanted to be cops. They were protective by nature I guess. Funny that you are an agent…the ut-most extension of that." I teased thinking about how he said he was protective of me on Thursday. Then that made me think of something.

"You know, I have a very close family friend who is in the FBI. You might know him, Seth Clearwater?" I asked.

I saw a flash of something cross Edward's face, and he quickly took a sip of his wine.

"Um. Yeah. I have met him, but I don't know him very well." He shrugged but something seemed off.

Maybe I shouldn't ask about other agents.

"Oh. Yeah, I didn't know of you would know him…I'm sorry for asking…I didn't know if I should or not…I'm sorry." I stammered. But then I felt a hand on my arm.

"It's okay, Bella; I was just surprised you knew another agent. There aren't very many of us." He smiled and I relaxed.

Then I began laughing. "Well, you might be surprised how many people I do know. It's a small world sometimes, especially when it comes to us it seems."

"What do you mean?"

"You know my friend Kate?" He nodded. "Well she's the press coordinator for the FBI in New York, so you might know her too." I joked.

He smiled. "Nope, I haven't met her yet, but I will have to remember that."

The mood seemed to return as we finished our dinner and I grabbed his plate.

"No, let me. It's the least I can do. The meal was exceptional and you made it all." He started to stop me.

"How about next time?" I caught his hand. "I have a surprise for you. Stay right here." He furrowed his brow with a small smile on his face.

"I'll be right back."

I took the dirty dishes to the kitchen and pulled the cheesecake out of the refrigerator. I grabbed a single candle I had from the last time we celebrated Kate's birthday at my place and quickly lit it.

I walked back in to the dining room as I bit my lip. I wasn't sure how he was going to take this. We had barely known each other for more than a few weeks and I was bringing him a birthday cake of sorts.

"What's this?" He smiled.

"Well, a little bird told me that you had a birthday recently. I should be scolding you for not telling me yourself. But I wanted to do something nice." I shrugged.

"Really?" His face was a mixture of both happiness and concern, and I realized he probably thought I had been talking about him.

"Don't worry, Jasper just happened to mention it. I didn't tell him that I had seen you or anything."

He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and then his smile widened. "Did he tell you cheesecake was my favorite too?"

"Nope. That was just a guess. Did I do good?" I smirked.

He leaned over and put his hand on my face and the heat from his touch spread through my body.

"Thank you." He whispered as he leaned closer and I responded in kind. We shared a short and sweet kiss until he dropped his hand.

"I would have told you but to be honest it didn't even cross my mind. I haven't celebrated my birthday in a long time." He said then a little sadly as I sliced up the cheesecake.

"Jasper said that was the case. But you know, I thought it might be time to change that." Maybe it was the wine, but I was being more bold in trying to get him to open up.

He smiled and nodded and we enjoyed our New York cheesecake in a comfortable silence.

Eventually we took the rest of the plates to the kitchen and Edward helped me clean up again. I was hoping for a repeat of the kitchen kiss from Thursday, but I knew we needed to talk as well.

"Would you like to stay for a bit? I can put on some music and we can open another bottle of wine.

He thought for a moment and I could tell he was pondering something. Finally he smiled. "I'd like that. How about some Zeppelin?"

"Perfect." I returned his smile and opened the second bottle while he switched songs. I moved into the living room and motioned for him to join me on the couch.

As I sat at one end with one leg under me and my arm propped against the back of the sofa, Edward mirrored my position. I wasn't sure how to open the dialogue and instead commented on the song choice.

"I like this song. It makes me think of Brad." I said then a little lost in thought.

"It reminds me of Eric too." He said quietly.

"Tell me about him." It slipped out before I could stop it and I quickly looked to his eyes. I could see him contemplating it. But I wanted him to open up to me.

"Alice doesn't talk about him much…" I said then.

He took a sip of his wine and shifted a bit on the couch to stretch his legs out on the ottoman and crossed his arms and legs as he held his wine. It was a defensive position and I worried that I pushed too much.

"You don't have to if you don't…"

"No. Bella, I do. I need to talk about him. It's been far too long, and I'm starting to realize that." He blew out a breath and seemed to steel his resolve for it. I could tell he was struggling internally. I just remained silent, until finally I was going to tell him that we could talk about it another time. But before I could respond he launched in.

It was like a dam broke. He talked about growing up together, what he looked like, his personality, how he acted. It was as if thirteen years of holding it in came pouring out. As he talked he moved between sadness, joy, frustration, and happiness. I could see why it was hard for him. They were obviously extremely close. But I could also see him coming back to life by simply speaking about his brother. I couldn't help but reflect on how I felt similarly when I started attending the grief group after Brad's death. Even if I cried, even if it was hard, I found comfort in talking about him and in telling other people what a great person he was. I could tell this was having the same effect on Edward.

So he talked and I listened and asked little questions here and there to help prod him on. I determined in that moment that he wasn't callous or uncaring. He was simply consumed by his grief for so long he didn't know how to let it out or how to let other people in. Something was allowing him to do it now, however, and I wanted to continue fostering this new ability. I hoped he would let me in.

Finally his brow furrowed a bit as he spoke. "He was so fun, outgoing and charismatic; everything I am not." He sighed. "He was so full of life and he was only sixteen months older than me. Way too young to have…" He trailed off.

We had slowly moved closer to one another on the couch and he had turned to open up to me more. I reached out and grabbed his hand and pulled it into my lap. My wine was long forgotten as I held his hand in both of mine and traced over the lines. They were rugged, yet incredibly soft at the same time. He had long fingers, perfect for playing the piano or the guitar. I was sure he was probably great at both.

"That feels incredible." He whispered than and I looked up to see the intensity in his eyes.

"Really? You don't mind then? I find myself wanting to touch you, to…comfort you. But I don't know what my boundaries are?" I said quietly and looked back down at his hand.

Suddenly I felt his other hand on my face as he lifted my chin back up to meet his eyes. The sadness, desire, and emotion I saw there was almost staggering. I could tell he was warring over trying to say something and I just sat there waiting.

"I don't want there to be boundaries." He whispered as he stroked my face and my breath caught in my throat.

"I…I don't know why, but I feel like I can talk to you." He murmured.

"You can, Edward. You can talk to me about everything. And it's ok to talk about him. You need to. And I know it's going to hurt, trust me I know. But it will be so much better in the end." I gazed into his eyes and brought my hand up to put it on his face. He leaned into it and closed his eyes and I could feel the tension leaving his body.

"How is it you always know exactly what to say?" He asked quietly.

"I don't. I just…" I shrugged and he opened his eyes. "I guess I know what helped me."

**He nodded and our eyes were locked. The thickness in the air was stifling, but not in a bad way. Just then a song came on that I generally skipped on my iPod because it brought a lot of memories for me.

I tensed and Edward noticed because of our close proximity.

"What is it?"

I shook my head. But then I realized I would be a hypocrite if I didn't tell him and I expected him to open up to me.

I sighed and I could see his eyes imploring me. "Oh…this song…it has a lot of memories for me."

He lifted his head and listened. "I Can't Quit You Baby." He said, noting the name of the song, and I nodded.

I blew out a breath then and lifted my eyes back to his. "When I was thirteen, Brad taught me how to dance to this. It was my birthday party and most other eighteen year old brothers wouldn't have given their little sisters the time of day. But not him." I smiled at the memory and felt Edward squeeze my hand this time.

"He helped my Dad clean the basement and we had a party with all of the boys and the few girls in the neighborhood and some of my Dad's friends. Of course it was all this kind of music and Brad pulled me out on the floor and told me 'I better learn how to dance now that I was a teenager'." I laughed lightly as my eyes stung from the memory.

"Well, why don't you teach me since you are the expert?" He looked at me intently and I laughed.

"Oh, I am no expert."

"Trust me. I haven't danced in so long. I am sure you will be an expert compared to me." He whispered right next to my ear and my breathing hitched.

I bit my lip. "Okay."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch and into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I lifted mine around his neck. We were so close, our bodies flush with one another and my heartbeat took off like a shot.

I felt like I was thirteen again. I felt like I was dancing with a boy for the first time and was giddy and excited and nervous all at the same time.

But this time those feelings were surpassed by lust, longing and something even deeper and I couldn't deny how good it felt to be in his arms.

The raspy voice of Robert Plant burst through the speakers along with the electric guitar. I felt the fire between us grow as we swayed together. It wasn't fast or slow, it was in a perfect rhythm to the base. I began to lose myself to the sensations of being in Edward's arms.

I laid my head on his chest and could feel the warmth of his body against my cheek. He smelled unbelievable as usual; his clean and original scent was like an aphrodisiac and I was becoming warm all over.

I felt his arms loosen and his hands move down my back as we swayed. Then they moved all the way back up until they were in my hair. Sparks instantly shot down my spine as he slowly caressed the bottom of my neck and ran his fingers through my hair.

I lifted my hands to do the same and finally looked up to find his eyes closed and as lost in the moment as I was. He opened them then and I felt one hand move back down to my lower back. His jade pools were smoldering and I felt my breath coming faster. I pressed into him and could feel him against my stomach as he shuddered from the contact.

He was without a doubt the most beautiful, sexiest, most complicated and most passionate man I had ever met or laid eyes on. I wanted him so much the ache in my core almost deafened me with its pulse.

Without another thought I crashed my lips to his, and the fire between us raged. He opened and his flavor was sweet with the white wine and cheesecake and somehow he tasted even better than he had the first time. My lips were insistent against his and I found myself pulling on his hair as my pulse quickened to the beat our tongues set.

His hands began to wonder down my back to around my waist and then back up my sides. His thumbs grazed the sides of my breasts, and I moaned at the contact. He was now impossibly hard against my stomach and before I knew it we were a frenzied mass of tongues, hands and bodies pressed against one another, dancing long forgotten.

He spun around and sat down on the couch and I climbed on top of him and straddled him. I could feel his hardness against my aching core and I was dying for a release. I rubbed myself against him and he groaned into my mouth as his hand worked their way through my hair and then again grazed my breasts, this time more fully and I shuddered.

I pulled back and gasped and looked into his eyes at the fire burning behind his jade irises. I crushed my lips back to his and pulled him tighter as I moved against him. We were both moaning and moving trying to gain friction. I felt like his lips, his body, just…all of him was made for me, as we conformed together.

His hands trailed under my shirt and ripples of desire shot through my body. He palmed my breast through my bra with his hand and lightly ran his thumb over my nipple to make it harden. I both heard and felt him moan at the same time I did. I clutched his shirt with my hands so forcefully I was afraid I was going to rip it apart.

But at that moment a thought entered the back of my mind. I wanted him. I wanted him so much I could hardly think of anything else. But yet, I didn't know what he wanted, and what we really were. He'd said he was mine, and I was his, but what did that mean?

I knew after everything with James and with the intensity of my feelings for him, I had to find out. I had to know before we went any further because if I didn't I knew this was going to be heartbreaking.

Reluctantly I slowed my kiss. My body was screaming at me, but I had to know. If this wasn't going anywhere, I had to protect myself. This situation was so much different from my past relationships. I knew that if I didn't protect myself I would regret it. I had to force my unyielding want for this man to take a backseat to my brain.

"Wait." I stopped breathlessly.

He pulled back and put his forehead on my shoulder as his hands returned to my back.

"Yeah. We should stop." He said thickly but I could tell he was trying to relieve his breathing.

I moved back on his legs to allow him to calm a bit as well. We were both panting and flushed from our heated make-out session. I felt like a seventeen year old again as my hormones were raging.

"It's not that I want to…stop that is." I said then as I put my hands on his face and lifted his head.

"I know." He dropped his hands to my waist and I put mine on his shoulders and peered into his eyes.

I drew a deep breath and steeled my nerves to ask the question I needed to ask.

"I just…Edward…I have to know what we are? I need to know what you want. And I need to know what I can ask you and what I can't and whether I can talk about you, and if this is secret and how long you are going to be undercover and what you see happening because…" It all flew out of my mouth at light speed and I watched as he brought one hand up to still my lips.

"I know."

"What?"

He sighed. "I know, Bella. I have thought about it and I haven't been fair to you. I have been selfish. Selfish in thinking that I could just have you all to myself, selfish in pursuing you when I knew I couldn't give you what you needed."

He dropped his eyes and looked distraught.

"I should go."

What?

No. You can't let him leave. For some reason, I knew if I let him leave that would be the end of it, and my whole being knew that I had to at least ask him and I had to let him know how I felt.

I shook my head at him. "Edward. I want you here. I want to see you. And you give me what I need, but I have to know what you need and what you want." I clarified.

He sighed again and I could see him warring with thoughts and emotions. I had to make it simpler.

"Why don't we start this way…I am guessing I can't tell anyone about seeing you, right? Because I haven't. I assumed that was the case."

Although I knew we needed to talk about it, I knew right then that I also had to make a decision. I had to decide if I was okay continuing seeing him in secret.

I thought about the alternative and I knew without a doubt that I would rather see him in secret than not at all.

I lifted his head and stared right into his eyes.

"I don't want you to go. I don't ever want you to go." I said and a look of shock and…happiness spread across his face.

"I can't explain why, but you have to hear me out for a minute and then you have to tell me how you feel about this, okay?" He nodded in agreement.

I blew out a breath and continued. "I am completely drawn to you and I want you more than anyone I have ever wanted in my life. I can't explain it. I can't even wrap my mind around it. And it's not just this." I motioned between us. "It's everything, our common interests, your laugh and wittiness; it's you…in here." I pressed my hand to his heart and his eyes softened. "I have never felt so strongly about something or as confused in my life. But I know that the thought of not seeing you makes me feel sick and…"

Suddenly my lips were silenced with his and his hands were in my hair again. Before we could get too heated he pulled away this time. He pressed his forehead to mine and held my head in his hands.

"Oh. Mijn Zon. I feel the same way." He rasped. "I know I shouldn't be here, I know I shouldn't see you or put you at risk…but…it's like the song. I can't quit you. You're like a drug to me. I'm addicted to you and you make me feel things I haven't felt in years, say and do things I haven't done in years and I feel so…alive when I am with you. I can't explain it."

I pressed him back then so that we were at arm's length.

"I don't care what you have to do. I just want to see you, in whatever manner I can. But…you said no boundaries, but I just need to know what my boundaries are…outside of here." I offered.

He nodded and played with a piece of my hair as he thought about it.

"Unfortunately you can't tell anyone about me and you have to be extremely careful with the cell phone I gave you. You can't give that number to anyone else." He blew out a breath and then looked at me. "And as for the amount of time, I don't know. Things are going…well… but it was originally set to be a year long mission. It could be more. It could be less."

A year.

I could handle that couldn't I?

Everything inside of me said I would wait forever for him, that I could wait for him. But I knew I needed to respond.

I nodded. "That's what I thought. And that's what I have been doing. And as for the time, I will be here…no matter how long it takes." His eyes softened again but he remained quiet.

I pondered something for a moment. "I haven't said anything to anyone either." Well, outside of Rosalie, but I knew she would take it to the grave.

However, I continued. "But I do think you need to try to see Alice again…she has something to tell you and to ask you." I knew I was being cryptic, but it wasn't my news to share.

"What is it?"

"It's really not my place…" I trailed off.

"Okay." His brow furrowed.

I wanted to add one more thing though. I slowly ran my hand along his cheek and looked right in his eyes.

"For the record, you are not selfish. You are doing the most selfless thing anyone could do, living a life as another person, undercover for the protection of our country. That's noble, not selfish. And if you think coming to see me is selfish…well then." I shrugged. "You can be selfish every night for all I care." I smiled at him with a small blush. I was putting all of my cards on the table so to speak.

But I saw a slow, sweet smile cross his face and I knew he felt the same way.

"Really?"

"Really, really Apollo." He chuckled at that and leaned in to nuzzle my chin with his nose.

Before I knew it our cheeks were pressed together and our lips soon followed. We began to grow closer and closer once again and our kiss became heated as our hands began to roam.

At last I pulled away and sighed. "I know that I want you more than anyone I have ever wanted in my life, and for that reason I don't want to fuck it up." I said as I leaned down to give him another peck.

He nodded and exhaled. "I feel the same way." He pecked me back.

"I should go then." He added.

I bit my lip and nodded. He helped hoist me out of his lap and I walked with him over to the fire escape.

"When will I see you again?" I asked tentatively.

"Work is heating up, and unfortunately I have some obligations the next couple of days." He frowned and thought for a moment. "But I will text you."

I smiled. "That sounds great."

I moved to my tip toes and gave him a light kiss and he pulled me into a hug. But this one wasn't as lustful. It was filled with a different kind of emotion.

"Mijn Zon. Thank you so much for tonight…for everything."

I was caught off guard, but I knew exactly what he meant. I just nodded into his chest.

"You're welcome." I whispered.

We stood like that for a moment until he broke away and kissed me on the top of my head.

"Good night. I'll call you."

"Okay, good night." I squeezed his hand and he climbed back out on the fire escape with a wink and was off into the night.

I sighed as I stood there. I was still longing for him even though he had only left seconds earlier. But this time, the longing didn't make me nervous or make me question the situation. The longing just made me want more. More of him in my home, in my arms and in my life.

That night I drifted off to sleep content in the fact that he seemed to want that as much as me.

*&^%$#

The rest of the week flew by. I was busy at work preparing for the fundraiser and something from our dinner and conversation on Tuesday made Edward open up to me. He couldn't come over on Wednesday or Thursday, but he called me both nights and we ended up chatting for an hour each night. It was nice. We were getting to know one another without the sexual tension in the air, yet we were still careful not to say names or anything that would identify us. It had become more of a game of twenty questions each night. We asked each other all the little things we wanted to know like our favorite colors, holidays, foods etc.

I found that it also helped to make the "secret" part of our relationship not seem so secret anymore. We were conversing like any two adults who were getting to know one another.

On Friday morning I woke up to go for my usual run and as I walked back into my building I saw John leaving the gym on the first floor and held the elevator for him.

"Hey John. How are you this morning?"

"Well, I've been better." He sighed.

"Oh I'm sorry, what's wrong?" I inquired.

"Eh. My girlfriend broke up with me last night." He shrugged. "I should have seen it coming."

"I'm sorry, John." I smiled sympathetically. But then I had an idea. I was one for one in the matchmaking department lately; maybe I could be two for two.

"Are you busy tonight? Some friends of mine and I are having a happy hour if you would like to join us." I hoped he didn't think I was inviting him for me, so I quickly covered. "My boyfriend is working tonight so he won't be there but it would be great if you could come."

"I thought you broke up." He looked at me quizzically.

"Yeah, that was my ex. I just started dating this guy. But it's really new so don't say anything to any of them. I don't want to jinx it." I covered.

He smiled his jovial smile then and nodded. "I'd like that. Thanks, Bella."

"Great, I will text you later then."

We parted and went separate ways from the elevator. John and I had exchanged numbers earlier in the week after he accidentally locked himself out of the building one night, and I happened to get home at the same time and let him in. We thought it would be a good idea to have each other's numbers in case it happened again. John was very attractive, but I didn't feel anything for him and he had always treated me as just a friend. I was comfortable around him, almost like he was a big brother of sorts.

The thought made me miss my brother and then think of Edward and how far he had come in the last few days. I was excited to see him again, but I knew he was busy.

I made my way to work and hurried through another busy day before leaving at 5:00. I texted John earlier in the day to let him know where we were going. We decided on a bar in Greenwich tonight. We wanted something low key with good food and a good beer selection. Kate wasn't going to be able to make it tonight, but Alice, Jasper, Hale, and Rosalie were all coming again.

I hailed a cab and rode to Greenwich until it pulled up in front of the bar and restaurant. I walked in, grabbed a table and ordered a summer ale from a brewery out of upstate New York while I sat down to wait for the rest of my friends. Jasper had been down at NYU for the day doing some research and Alice was at a shoot downtown. Rosalie was apartment hunting in SoHo so we decided to meet in the middle.

I looked up just then and noticed John stroll in. He looked very handsome in a black suit and striped shirt with the collar open. I had a feeling Rose was going to be salivating over him.

I waved at him and he pulled up a stool at the high top I had secured. We chatted and sipped our beers when Rosalie breezed in. In typical Rosalie Whitlock style she looked beautiful and effortless at the same time in white pants and a bright blue top which set off her beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. She spotted me and made her way over and I could see all of the heads in the restaurant turn to watch her. Rosalie was quite a sight and she exuded confidence, sexiness and class at the same time.

But even Rosalie could get giddy and her eyes popped open as she made her way to the high top. She looked at me, and I just smiled and shrugged as John turned around.

"John Emerty, this is my friend, Rosalie Whitlock." I gestured to her.

"A pleasure." He smiled genuinely as he shook her hand and I could see the twinkle in his eyes.

Rosalie nodded her head a bit from the daze and shook it while still nodding. I couldn't believe Rosalie Whitlock had been rendered speechless. I snickered to myself as I sipped my drink.

"I'm just going to run to the restroom real quick. Look for everyone else okay?"

They both nodded, but John and Rosalie were completely enthralled with one another. I chuckled as I made my way back to the restrooms. I quickly used the facilities and then straightened out my red cap sleeve dress. I loved it; it was one of my favorites and I had to admit I wore it today with the hopes that I would see Edward tonight. But he hadn't texted yet, and I was a bit disappointed I was going to have to go another day without seeing him. I knew it had only been three days. Yet, after Tuesday night and our chats the last two nights I felt as though we had grown so much closer. I found myself thinking about him all the time.

I made my way back out to find everyone else seated at the table now, chatting and laughing. Alice, Jasper and Hale obviously took to John as well. He was so jovial and good- natured I couldn't imagine anyone not liking him. I had to keep myself from laughing out loud every time I noticed Rosalie staring dreamily at him. She was like a star-struck teenager. I had never seen her like this.

A couple of hours after we were seated, John mentioned that he needed to be going but thanked me for inviting him to happy hour. I saw Rosalie ask him something and grab her phone and hand it to him. He smiled and entered what I could only think was his number in her phone and then she did the same with his.

We all waved good-bye, and I turned to Rose once he was gone.

"So?"

"Oh my God Bella…he's just…wow." She sighed with a far-off gaze.

I chuckled. It was funny to see her so smitten with someone.

That's exactly how you are on a daily basis.

"He is nice isn't he? And guess what, he just broke up with his girlfriend." I raised my eyebrows at her.

She smiled deviously then. "I know. We are going to go out tomorrow night."

"Wow Rose. That's pretty fast aren't you worried?"

She shook her head and in typical Rosalie Whitlock style cocked her eyebrow. "Nah. He said they weren't very serious. And besides, one night with me and she will be long forgotten." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Jesus Rose, I don't need to hear that shit." Jasper covered his ears and we all started laughing. Rosalie just shrugged.

I felt a buzz in my purse and reached in to see that I had a text message. I flipped open the phone and held it under the table as a big grin crossed my face.

MZ~Tonight?~YA

I quickly text him back. I was so excited he was coming over tonight.

MA~Yes. At HH right now. Home in an hour?~YZ

MZ~Perfect. I can't wait to see you.~YA

MA~Me too.~YZ

Maybe it was the beers I drank or Rose hitting it off with John, but I giggled at the screen and quickly put it back in my purse.

I looked up to find everyone staring at me.

"What?"

"Who are you texting, Bella?" A curious look came over Alice's face.

"No one…just…never mind. It's nothing." I said quickly waving my hand.

"Are you seeing someone?" She inquired then.

Shit. What did I tell them? If I said yes, then they would grill me about it, but if I said no they probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

I took a sip of my beer and then tried to act as nonchalant as possible.

"It's nothing guys. And no, I am not seeing anyone. It was just a funny email from my friend Angela." I shrugged.

They didn't know Angela. That was a good cover right.

"Yeah right, Bella, spill it. I know that look." Alice said excitedly and I shot a look at Rosalie. She picked up on it instantly. She knew it was Edward I had been texting.

"I think we should just leave Bella alone about it. She'll tell us if she wants to." Rose said and Alice frowned. She hated being left out of the loop, but she was the one person I definitely couldn't tell.

I hurriedly flagged the waitress and asked for my check and Alice pouted that I was leaving so early. It was only 8:00, but I had a date and I wanted to get home to see Edward.

After I paid my tab and promised Alice that I would come over for dinner the next night I caught a cab back to my place.

I didn't like lying to my friends, but when I made my decision on Tuesday I was sure that it was the right one. I wanted to see how things with Edward progressed. I had never felt like this about anyone and I wanted to give it a chance, even if it meant doing it secretly for the next year.

I walked into my apartment to find soft music playing over the speakers. There was one light lit in the living room and I noticed a bottle of Ketel One and a drink sitting on the coffee table. Next to it was a small tray of olives and cheeses.

I continued around the corner to see Edward seated on my couch lightly flipping through one of my art books. He was wearing just a white tee with graphics on it, his tattoo peeking out the bottom of his sleeve and the same ripped jeans.

I smiled as I walked into the room and he looked up and gave me a huge smile. His beautiful jade eyes lit up, and I could see the light dancing off of his unruly bronze mop.

God he's freaking gorgeous, God of the sun is right…

At that moment, I knew this was right where I wanted to be. At some point his mission would be over and he could come to happy hour and go out on normal dates with me. We wouldn't have to hide and be in the confines of my apartment. And something in his eyes told me that was the case as well.

I had to admit, I was longing for more, but I also knew that I could wait. I would wait. I didn't need that to be happy. Somehow I knew deep down, that no matter when, where, or how…we were together. He was all I needed.

XXXX