Sorry it's been a while. Crazy stuff going on here, but writing takes me away from it for a while. This chapter is in Spencer's point of view; pretty much it's a letter to her Dad, showing her side of things. Hope you like it, please review!

Take Off Your Colours

Hey Dad!

I haven't written, or called, in over a year. I'm sorry about that. You pretty much know nothing about my life anymore. A lot has changed, more than you could imagine. The documentary about the shooting took a lot out of me, and I just haven't had the heart to call you. I thought about flying home a lot, but I couldn't. Everything is there you know? All the memories I ran away from would come rushing back, and I didn't want that.

You'll probably be happy to hear that all those memories were brought back to me anyway. Ashley showed up a few weeks ago, and it's been crazy. Up until now I was convinced that I was going to be able to get over her.

Three years. I've had three years to get over Ashley Davies. It should have been easy; it shouldn't have taken so much work. But she's the kind of person you don't forget, the kind of person that doesn't let you move on.

Somehow she has engraved herself into my mind. The thought of knowing that if I could have stayed we could have had that intense relationship that most people can never find, kills me.

I didn't really feel it though until I heard about Ashley's Dad dying. That was one of those moments that I knew I should have been there for. Not because I should have stayed to fall in love with her, but to make sure she didn't breakdown. Because she had lost everything, and I knew that.

You know how when something happens people always tell you not to blame yourself, because there's no way you could have stopped it? Those people are idiots. They're just trying to make you feel better, when in reality it probably was your fault. You probably did make an impact on the consequence. They just don't want you to end up the same way, so they feed you lies, they make you convince yourself that everything that happened in that persons fault, not yours.

Ashley broke down and completely lost herself. Yeah she could have made different choices, but where was I to help her? If anything I just added to the distress of all the drama in her life. I left her to fend for herself. So anyone that tells me that her breakdown wasn't my fault is a liar. Because in the big picture it's all the little things that lead to the product of it all.

You're a social worker so it's your job to make people convinced that everything in their life isn't there fault, so I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It probably works for some people, hell; I hope it works for them. Hopefully they don't have my overactive mind and can just deal with everything.

A few months ago I had this dream, and it was crazy. You know those movies where someone wishes that they were never alive, because everyone else would be better off? Then they wake up, and they get to see what things would REALLY be like if they were never born. My dream was kind of like that, but different.

Before I had the dream I had been contemplating just dropping off the face of the earth. Leaving all this behind to go somewhere new, you know? But I had this dream. I got to see what would have happened if I stayed. I saw me and Ashley meeting again, I got to see you and mom somehow rekindle your broken relationship.

It was crazy how detailed everything was. I watched as Ashley and I got married, you even walked her down the aisle. I watched Mom cry when we said our I do's. I saw your hair starting to get gray, but don't worry, you still looked amazing. I watched Ashley become an AMAZING mom. I saw it all, I didn't miss one step.

So when Ash came back, just like in my dream, I was astonished. I just knew that I couldn't let that slip away. I couldn't miss all of that. I tried really hard to push her away at first. All those old feelings coming rushing back scared me stiff. I mean, the whole reason I left was so that I wouldn't fall in love with her, and that's exactly what was happening.

But you know Ash; she has to put her charm on. Yesterday we made our own music video to some song, and preformed it for all these little kids. It was the most childish, amazingly stupid moment of my life. But I loved every moment of it.

I'm not sure where anything is going yet, I'm still scared. But I figure that so is she, I mean, the girl followed me to Hollywood; she's got to be scared of what is going to happen.

We never were that close when we were in high school. I mean, we were, but everything was based on lust. We knew nothing deep about each other. But now, we know almost everything about each other. Though I haven't told her about the dream, I'm not sure I'm going to. I think its one thing that I can keep to myself.

This is going to take you forever to read, sorry about that. I would have called you but lately it seems I've lost all touch with speaking vocally. I can't really seem to get all my thoughts into words, it just turns to mush. Writing this letter seemed like a good alternative.

I'm not sure if I'm going to write to Mom just yet though. I'm still not sure she's completely okay with the Spencer liking girls thing. All our conversations are awkward. Plus, we both know that she's not a big Ashley Davies fan.

You should come visit soon; I think that'd make Ashley really happy, you've always been her biggest fan.

Love you Dad,

Spencer.