Lester's Notes

Chapter 13

JE will loan them out but she expects them to be returned I borrow them, play with them and sadly return them.

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I have never met a man I am afraid of; I have never been on a mission that I was afraid. Aside from Grandma Mazur I have never been afraid of a woman. So it came as a shock to find I was afraid ….of a mouse.

I have a mouse in my apartment. I opened up a cabinet to get out my no fat, no sugar, no taste twigs and bark cereal. I took it down from the cabinet, put it on the counter reached for a bowl and turned to pick up the cereal box and its head popped up with its nose twitching and it beady little eyes looking at me. I dropped the box and the damn thing ran under the stove. Now what do I do? I pulled out the stove and it wasn't there. Where in the hell could it have gone? I pulled out the refrigerator and it wasn't there either. Maybe when it looked at me I scared it and it left.

I have scared grown men enough to piss their pants; a mouse probably took one look at me and left. Yeah that is how it was until….

I got home from a take down. I was tired and hungry. I put my take out down. I actually had a meatball sub but it was on the bottom of the bag and covered up by a huge salad. I turned on the TV took a beer out of the fridge sat down in the chair with my sub put the box of salad on the coffee table stretched back in my Laz e boy to watch a game. I was really enjoying my sub and beer when out of the corner of my eye I saw it. Sitting up on the coffee table watching me with its beady little eyes and twitching its nose was the mouse.

I jumped up spilled my beer and dumped my sub. I chased after it and of course it went under the stove. I pulled it out -not there. I pulled out the refrigerator - not there.

I cleaned up the beer and the meatball sub. I took out another beer and sat down at the computer. One thing they teach you in the military is know your enemy. I declared I would learn everything I could about my enemy. His scientific name is mus musculus meaning little thief. He is 2 ½" to 4" (Mine was a shrimp) their tail can be as long as their body. He matures sexually in 1 month (way to go guy) Uh Oh. He can produce 7 pups (pups?) per litter and is not monogamous (little dude can have a harem) each female mouse can have 6 to 10 litters per year Holy Cow You're outta here buddy!

Armed with this information I headed out to the Home Depot and bought the Victor easy set mouse trap packed 2 to a package. I threw in the glue boards just for good measure. I stopped at the grocery store and bought the top of the line peanut butter, hey it was his last meal. I went home and set the traps according to directions. Problem solved. I got home after my shift went to the cabinet sure to find my executed friend. What I found was the traps had been sprung and the peanut butter licked off. These traps must be defective. The next morning found me at the Home Depot and I bought the Victor power kill trap, I set it according to directions. Next morning traps were still set but peanut butter was gone. What the hell? This time I went to Home Depot I bought the sonic mouse chaser that you plug into the electric socket and it emit's a high pitched sound that drives out the mouse. I plugged them in the kitchen, living room and bedroom. This was supposed to drive him right out. It didn't, I walked into the kitchen and there he was doing the break dance right next to the sonic chaser. I was afraid to go to bed because all I could think of was what if he crawled into bed with me Argggh.

That night I ordered the Super Duper Mouse trap that would draw them to the trap and then electrocute them and it had the capacity to kill up to 10 mice I ordered it for $99.99 plus shipping and handling and I added on overnight shipping total $129.99 I rationalized it was worth the cost I should have gone right for the top of the line weapon.

Bobby came in and saw the traps, sonic chaser and glue boards all sitting empty and he just laughed. He went to his apartment and he walked back in put a DVD in the player and made me watch the movie Mousehunt.

The next day the package arrived. It was in an unmarked box. I guess people didn't want anyone to know they had a mouse problem. I worked in Rangeman and Bobby had passed the word so of course I found all kinds of stuffed mouse toys on my desk. A real life looking catnip mouse was included with the toys. Bastards.

I went down and set up the Electrocution chamber smug that this was the ultimate weapon after all it came with a guarantee. It didn't work. That damn mouse kept coming out each night so I could see him and he could taunt me. I couldn't sleep.

I am a professional soldier …mouse hunter … not so much.

Stephanie dropped in and noticed all the traps she hugged me and kissed me and told me I wasn't a failure I just had a smart mouse. While we were standing there all of a sudden she picked up a broom, swung it over her head and brought it down on the floor next to the stove. She lifted up the broom and there he was flat as a pancake. She swept him into the dustpan and handed it to me, kissed me softly, hugged me and left. I estimate I had spent close to $200.00 and every guaranteed device failed but, a $1.00 broom from the Dollar Store and Bombshell worked.

Lester's note:

If Stephanie lifts a broom over her head, run like hell it may be the last breath you take.