This is the longest chapter to date. I want to thank cattastrophic (I think I spelled that the right way) for her suggestion to include a doctor-related scene. Originally I had this story end at the last chapter with a short epilogue, but adding a doctor scene gave me a chance to resolve a few things in more detail and I think it worked out for the best, so I hope you like it. There's only the epilogue left after this chapter, and I'm surprised at how much trouble I'm having letting go of this story. =) Again, I made some last minute changes AFTER my beta had given it a read, so if there are any mistakes they're all mine.
Brittany walked Santana to her car after glee amidst a chorus of hushed offers to 'call if you need someone to talk to,' although she did manage to avoid another attempted hug from Quinn.
Brittany looked over at Santana as they settled into the seats. "I'm so proud of you. How do you feel?"
Santana shrugged, "Better, I guess- I don't know. Kind of relieved, but at the same time I still wish no one knew. It's like they got to see me naked or something."
"That's my favorite way to see you."
Santana eyes widened as they flew to Brittany. Translated from Brittany-speak Santana was pretty sure she'd meant she liked it when Santana was open and sharing. Sometimes it was hard to tell whether Brittany was aware of the double meanings behind the things she said, but the impish glint in her baby blue eyes told Santana she was fully aware of it this time.
Santana couldn't help the wry twist of her mouth. "Are you supposed to be saying things like that to me when you have a boyfriend?"
Brittany watched Santana's face carefully as she spoke. "Artie and I broke up today."
Santana's face went blank for a second as she blinked. How was she supposed to respond to that? Pretend to be upset or let Brittany see how happy that news made her? What she wanted to say was 'About damn time,' but she knew Brittany had really cared about him so instead she said, "Are you okay?"
Now it was Brittany's turn to shrug. "It was sad, but it was the right thing to do. I love Artie and I always will, but the last few days have made me realize that I love you more. I know this probably isn't the best time for this, but I love you, Santana, and I just want you to know I'm here whenever you're ready, one hundred percent yours."
For a moment Santana couldn't breathe. Talk about an emotional roller-coaster ride, could this day get any more freaking intense? She reached out to lock her pinky with Brittany's, heart pounding, her eyes saying more than her mouth ever could.
Brittany seemed to understand because she just smiled and gave Santana's pinky a squeeze and swayed to knock her shoulder gently. "Let's get out of here. I've been craving dessert ever since geography. We were looking at pictures of the Andes Mountains and they looked just like chocolate ice cream with powdered sugar on top."
Santana started the car and backed out of the parking space with a grin. "Chocolate ice cream and powdered sugar, coming right up."
School seemed strange the next day, or maybe it was just Santana who felt different, because classes seemed to fly by faster than usual. Santana and Brittany had spent the previous evening making themselves sick on ice cream and cuddling on the couch before making their way to Santana's bed. It'd felt so right, lying there together for the first time without anyone between them, without any denial of their feelings for each other. Between talking to the glee club yesterday and whispering 'I love you' to Brittany before falling asleep in her arms, Santana felt like she was starring in her own personal episode of The Twilight Zone. So much had happened so fast she wasn't sure she was actually processing anything.
She did know one thing for sure, she'd avoided Puck since yesterday and if she actually wanted things to get back to some semblance of normal she needed to suck it up and talk to him. After her performance in the locker room, she owed him that.
Brittany agreed to wait in the library while Santana talked to Puck, so when the blonde headed for the book stacks, Santana headed to the parking lot to wait for Puck after the last bell rang.
Santana shuffled her feet next to Puck's car when she finally spotted him heading her way. There were only a few students left in the lot and Santana was glad they wouldn't have more of an audience.
"Hey."
He stopped a few feet from her and cocked his head to the side. "Hey."
Santana took a deep breath, but couldn't seem to make her eyes move higher than the level of Puck's chest. "I really am sorry for hitting you. You didn't deserve it- this time," she added with a small smirk, sobering up again almost instantly. "And I'm sorry for trying to use you to make myself feel better. I just really needed to feel like I was in control, you know?"
Puck was uncharacteristically quiet, waiting until Santana's eyes made a quick dart to his face, trying to judge his reaction, before he answered her.
"I get it. I'm not mad at you for any of that, but why didn't you just tell me? I know our relationship is messed-up, but I thought we were kind of friends."
"We are, kind of. I couldn't tell anyone, Puck. I never planned to. I didn't want anyone to know."
"Why not? It's not like it was your fault."
Santana's eyes were firmly planted on the ground now, her voice a little shakier than she would have liked to admit. "I couldn't help feeling like it kind of was. I was drunk, I was making out with him, and I did go to that room willingly. He said he knew I was the school slut and he wasn't wrong. It's not like I ever tried to hide the fact that I've slept with a lot of guys."
"So you like sex; so what? That doesn't give them a right not to respect you when you say no. You know that, right?"
Santana shrugged her shoulder, "Yeah, I know that in my head, but it's harder than I thought to make the rest of me feel the same."
"Why?"
"Because every time I think about it I can't help thinking 'what if.' What if I wasn't drunk? What if I didn't have a reputation for being sleeping around? What if I was stronger? Smarter? Faster? Fuck, I never thought anyone could make me feel that helpless, or that worthless. It's like I wasn't even a person to them. It's just harder than I thought to stop that feeling and the idea that I could have changed what happened if I'd just been… not me."
Puck cleared a lump from his throat. It broke something inside him to see such a strong person standing in front of him doubting and blaming herself for something that wasn't her fault. It was fucked up.
Santana spoke again before he could get himself together completely.
"Like I said, I know that it wasn't my fault and all that, but it's kind of like admitting you got your ass kicked. No matter what, it's still a little embarrassing."
Santana turned and leaned her back against his car, Puck following her lead. He was about as bad as Santana when it came to emotional honesty and shit like that, but he made himself ask the question that had been nagging at him anyway. "So I get why you did what you did in the locker room, but why me?"
Santana shrugged her shoulders again. "I don't know. Like you said, we're friends and I didn't think you'd say no, and…I guess because I knew you wouldn't hurt me if things got out of hand."
Puck reached over until he was holding Santana's hand and gave her a sad smile. "Thanks for trusting me."
Santana was pretty sure she'd never heard Puck say anything so sincere without immediately following it up with some sort of smart-ass remark and it made her smile as she rolled her eyes in his direction, giving his fingers a small squeeze back, "Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head."
Puck turned impulsively and gave Santana a quick hug before she could protest, both of them surprised when Santana hugged him back.
After a minute Santana pulled away and gave Puck a playful shove towards his door. "Enough, get the hell out of here before someone starts spreading the word that we were mackin' in the parking lot and your girlfriend comes to kick both our asses."
Santana walked back toward the building with a sigh of relief. Okay, so that wasn't the most comfortable conversation she'd ever had, but it wasn't as bad as she'd thought. She must be getting better at this sharing thing.
She made her way through the halls to the library and entered the room to see Brittany staring at one of the computers with a frightened look on her face. Santana frowned, the last time Brittany had looked like that at a computer was when she'd gotten a spam email warning that little green men and the end of the world was coming. It had taken weeks before she'd managed to convince Brittany that no one was going to die by alien invasion.
Brittany looked up to see Santana coming and turned off the computer with another worried look. She grabbed her backpack with one hand and Santana's arm with the other, practically pulling the shorter girl to the doors.
"What's wrong?" Santana tugged on Brittany's hand once they cleared the library doors until she slowed down.
"We have to go to the hospital."
Santana stepped back with alarm to look Brittany over from head to toe. "Why? Are you sick? Did you hurt yourself? What's wrong?"
Brittany shook her head. "No, for you."
"What?" It took a second for her brain to switch tracks."No. No way." Santana turned to walk away. She did not want to have this conversation. Damn it, she should have known better. Things had been going too good today.
Brittany lengthened her stride to catch up with her. "I looked it up on the internet, Santana. It's too late to get evidence and stuff like that, but what if you're pregnant? What if they gave you some sort of disease? I don't want you to get sick!"
Santana tried to remind herself that Brittany was only doing what any good friend would do, but damn it, how many times did she have to say she didn't want to take it any further than glee club. Telling her friends was one thing, but going to the doctor and having to force out all the details while some stranger got all up in her business was another thing entirely.
She ignored Brittany until they got to her car, unwilling to have this conversation echoing in a hallway at McKinley High.
The tone in the front seat of her car was the polar opposite of what it had been yesterday as Santana turned to face Brittany's worried eyes.
"Look, Britt, I'm not pregnant, okay? I've been on birth control ever since Quinn got knocked up. I know you're worried, but I'm fine, I swear."
She could tell Brittany was not convinced when she unzipped her backpack and shoved a handful of papers at her. Santana found herself looking at a list of sexually transmitted diseases while Brittany took up her argument once again.
"I know you think you're okay, but maybe not. It said a lot of these diseases don't have symptoms for weeks or months or even years. What if they gave you HIV? I don't want you to die."
Santana had to admit she'd been so caught up after it happened in trying to push all thoughts of it away that she hadn't really let herself consider the possibility. Thinking about it would have meant worry and worry was not a friend of anger. Actually looking at a list of diseases, though, seeing them written out in black and white and seeing how much it had Brittany worried was enough to rattle her.
She looked at Brittany with a sigh. "You're not going to let this go, are you?"
Brittany shook her head, relaxing a bit at Santana's resigned tone.
"Fine. I'll get a blood test done, but I'm not letting those doctors put their hands anywhere else, got it?"
Brittany smiled. "Thank you."
Santana refused to go to Lima General Hospital; her father was a surgeon there and she wouldn't risk being spotted by one of her father's friends. So instead, the girls found themselves driving an hour away to the women's clinic in a neighboring town.
Santana felt her nerves jump with the chime on the door as she and Brittany stepped into the reception area. She made her way to the front desk and waited until the receptionist turned to her with that painful-looking plastic smile worn by people who are forced to deal with the public all day.
"How can I help you today?"
"I wanted to get some blood work done."
"What kind of blood work were you looking to get done, sweetie?"
Santana bristled, "Well, honey, I wanted to find out if the assholes who raped me two weeks ago left any loving STDs behind."
The woman's smile disappeared at Santana's words, her voice losing the optimistic, saccharine tone. Her voice was genuinely kind as she handed Santana the clipboard questionnaire. "You haven't seen a doctor since it happened?"
"Do you think I'd be here talking to some idiot receptionist if I had?" Santana could feel Brittany's hand on her own and knew she was being rude, but she couldn't help it. It's not like just because she'd been uncharacteristically open with everyone that she was suddenly going to be nice to strangers who called her 'sweetie.' A girl has her limits.
Unfazed, the woman pointed to the clipboard, told Santana to take a seat while she filled it out and that a doctor would be with her soon.
There were only a few people in the waiting area, so Santana had only just finished filling in the forms before she and Brittany were trailing behind a nurse toward one of the examination rooms.
Santana settled onto the exam bed, paper crinkling beneath her while the nurse took the prerequisite pulse and blood pressure, made a few notes in her file and left with a smile. Brittany settled into a chair in the corner.
It couldn't have been more than a few minutes, but when the doctor finally came Santana had given up sitting on the bed in favor of pacing the small room and Brittany had become fascinated with the small model showing a cross-section view of a pregnant woman's body that had been sitting on the counter under the safe sex poster.
Both girls froze when the dark-haired woman walked in. "Hi, I'm Dr. Janssen." She held her hand out to Santana with a smile.
Santana gave the woman a hard look before reaching out to shaker her hand. "Santana Lopez."
Dr. Janssen turned to Brittany and offered her hand again. Brittany took it with a smile. "Hi, I'm Brittany."
The doctor turned back toward Santana, motioning for her to take her place on the exam bed before settling herself on a rolling stool next to the counter.
"So, I see on your chart that you came to get tested for STDs, is that right?"
Santana nodded.
"Can you tell me why you decided to get tested now? Have you recently become sexually active or had unprotected sex where a concern for possible STDs came up?"
Santana would have snorted at the idea of only recently becoming sexually active if she hadn't been so nervous.
"Two weeks ago I was raped. I didn't go to the hospital when it happened and now Brittany's worried I might have gotten an STD. I don't want to listen to her worrying every day for the next year, so I came to get tested."
Dr. Janssen smiled at Brittany. "Well, that was a very smart thing to do. You should thank her."
Brittany grinned at the doctor's praise. It wasn't often people used the word smart when talking about her.
Santana couldn't help but smile back at the proud look on Brittany's face. She loved that look. She turned back to the doctor to find the woman staring at her with a new, understanding smile. Santana raised her chin, challenging the doctor to call her out on her feelings for the girl.
Dr. Janssen only smiled back at her. "Can I ask why you didn't go to the hospital when it happened?"
Santana kept her face neutral. "I didn't want to."
The doctor was smart enough to see pushing that line of questioning was probably not going to be helpful. "Well, if your friend looked up enough to be worried about STDs then you probably know we can't collect any evidence for a sexual assault kit and that it's too late for emergency contraceptives or the early exposure medication we give to help prevent HIV."
Santana nodded. She knew that. The doctor gave her own nod and turned to prepare the blood collection vials and hypodermic needle. Santana offered her arm and the doctor tied the rubber tubing, inserted the needle and filled vial after vial with practiced ease. It was over in a matter of minutes.
"We'll be testing for all common communicable STDs, as well as HIV and pregnancy. You'll have to come back in a month and again in six months and one year for follow up HIV tests, assuming the initial result is negative. I see you wrote you've been taking birth control, but it never hurts to be sure."
The doctor finished labeling the vials and scribbled a few notes on Santana's chart before turning back to the girls. "I have some information on support groups and the name of a really good counselor who specializes in sexual assaults. I'll get the information together for you. If you don't want to use it you don't have to, but you'll have it in case you ever need it."
Santana didn't bother to protest. She'd toss it in the trash as soon as she could, but arguing would just give her a headache. Let the woman think she'd been helpful.
Dr. Janssen turned to Brittany with a smile. "While you're here would you like to be tested as well? If you're sexually active it's always a good idea to be tested for STDs."
Santana let out a small laugh at the look on Brittany's face. The girl did not like needles, she'd almost passed out when she got her ears pierced. After letting Brittany drag her out here, she couldn't help but tease a little.
"Yeah, c'mon Brit. You never know, right?"
Brittany looked at her with wide eyes and Santana took pity on her and slid off the bed to hold her hand.
"Neither of us have been exactly virginal the last few years Brit. You might as well get it done while we're here. For me?"
Brittany nodded, the look on her face the same as the look she'd had when Coach Sylvester had announced she'd be shot out of that stupid cannon. "For you, because you've been so brave and you came out here and let her take your blood, too." Brittany dropped her voice to a whisper, "You don't think she's a vampire, do you?"
Santana shook her head and smiled, keeping her eyes locked with Brittany's until it was over. The doctor fixed a smiley face band-aid to Brittany's arm and snapped off her gloves. "All set. Good job." She stood up, Santana and Brittany following suit and crossed to the door.
"We'll have the results in a few days. I'll walk you out and give you that information I mentioned earlier."
The girls stood in the doorway to the reception area while the doctor scribbled down some names and numbers, handing the paper to Santana.
"Santana's lucky to have such a good friend," she said, directing her comment to Brittany, "but remember, if you're going to have sex make sure your partner wears a condom, okay?"
Brittany just grinned at her and announced in a clear voice that had every head turning to look her way, "I only plan to have sex with Santana from now on. Does that mean she has to wear a condom?" She could see the thoughts tumbling around in Brittany's head and knew she was giving serious thought about how and where Santana might actually wear a condom.
Santana felt herself freeze for a second before laughing at the shocked looks the people in the reception area were giving them and promised the speechless doctor she'd explain everything to Brittany later.
Santana hadn't wanted to use her father's insurance, so she quickly paid for the visit with her Visa, confident her parents wouldn't even notice the charge. She looked up to find many of the room's occupants still staring at her and Brittany.
Santana took a deep breath. This was it, their first test. If she and Brittany were going to do this right, they had to start somewhere, so she lifted her hand to Brittany's face, looked into her beautiful eyes and in front of a room full of strangers, completely sober, she kissed her girlfriend. When she finally stepped back she saw a grin on Brittany's face that she knew mirrored her own.
With Brittany by her side, she was invincible. Screw what people at school were going to say, nothing they did could make her feel worse than the way she'd made herself feel since that party. If she and Brittany could get through this together, Santana figured dealing with the students at McKinley High would be hardly any trouble at all.
And when they walked out the door, pinky in pinky, heads held high, floating on the memory of their kiss, Santana finally felt like things were going to be okay.
