Disclaimer: I always forget to put in these... I'll have to make upfor all the times I forget... I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own! Sweeney Todd is owned by the lovely...eh...I don't actually know who owns it, but it's not me, that's for sure! ;)

Chapter 11, enjoy!


Chapter 11

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please! The boy wearing the hat sang with a loud voice.

Do you wake every morning in shame and despair, to discover your pillow is covered with hair? What ought not to be there? At this every man present above the age of 30 with a hat decorating his head turned all their attention towards the stage. A touchy subject it seemed.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, from now on you can waken at ease. You need never again have a worry or care. I will show you a miracle marvelous rare. Gentlemen you are about to see something what rose from the dead! Right on top of my head! Of flew his hat and uncovered a wild mane of shoulder-length platinum hair.

'Twas Pirelli's Miracle elixir! That's what did the trick, sir! True, sir, true. He sang fetching a couple of bottles from behind and throwing them out to the audience. The contents looked, to say the least, suspicious.

Was it quick sir? Did it in a tic sir! Just like an elixir ought to do. How about a bottle mister? Only cost a penny guarantied! He poured some elixir onto a bald man's head rubbing it into his shiny scalp.

Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth sir? You can have my oath sir, 'tis unique! The elixir clearly smelled as nasty as it looked if you were to judge from the bald man's expression when he caught a whiff of the hair growing ointment. The boy however just continued, rubbing even more forcefully.

Rub a minute, stimulating innit? Soon you'll have to thin it once a week. The bottle had been passed on and now a man standing next to Frida, Mrs. Lovett and Mr. Todd had it. Frida resisted the urge to pinch her nose at the odor that came floating their way from the open bottle. She felt Mr. Todd shift next to her and she looked up at him. He looked back at her and started singing in a mocking voice.

Pardon me miss what's that awful stench?

Mrs. Lovett immediately picked up the game and sang.

Are we standing near an open trench?

Must be standing near an open trench! Frida sang, both afraid and delighted at the same time as Mr. Todd sang. Pardon me miss what's that awful stench?

The boy, sensing danger, interrupted loudly.

Buy Pirelli's miracle elixir! Anything what's slick sir soon sprouts curls! Try Pirelli's when they see how thick, sir, you can have you pick, sir, of the girls! The bottle was now passed to Frida who held it half a meter away from her body while examining it. She was now almost certain by the looks and smells of it what the bottle really contained. Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett leaned over Frida's shoulders to have a look for themselves. Mr. Todd reached out and took the bottle from a disgusted Frida.

Wanna buy a bottle missus?

What is this? Mr. Todd sang whilst bravely smelling it.

What is this? Mrs. Lovett followed.

Smells like piss!

Smells like—ew! Mrs. Lovett exclaimed when she also smelled the elixir. Wouldn't touch it if I was you dear! She sang to a man standing next to her, nodding in agreement.

Looks like piss… Mr. Todd sang to himself. This is piss, piss with ink! He finished his diagnosis loudly so that no one around could fail to hear it.

The boy - fighting a hopeless war – made one last effort to sell the piss.

Let Pirelli's activate your roots sir!

Keep it off your boots, sir! Eats right through! Mr. Todd advised the man next to him handing him the bottle.

Yes get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it! Ladies seem to love it! The boy sang loudly, trying to drown the sound of the audience chatting angrily at the cheats.

Flies do too! Frida and Mrs. Lovett sang in unison, thus delivering the final blow. The boy stepped back in defeat but then a loud noise was heard and a man emerged. He was looking very Italian to Frida and the unknowing Londoners eyes, with a curled up moustache, a high hat, a cape and a strange blue outfit which hugged his body in a not very complimenting manner. He began singing with an enormous vibrato.

I- am Adolfo Pirelli, the king of the barbers, the barber of kings! E buon giorno! Good day! I blow you a kiss! He sang, blowing a kiss towards Frida with a sly smile. Then he dramatically took of his hat revealing a very odd looking "Italian" hairstyle.

And I-, the so famous Pirelli, I whish'a to know'a who has'a the nerv'a to sa-y, My elixir is piss! Who says this! Everybody became silent and looked ashamed. Frida looked worriedly up at her father. She had respect for this Italian man and was convinced that he had absolute power. She was therefore surprised when she saw her father looking skeptically at Pirelli before taking a step forward. "I do!" He said with a confident voice, raising his hand as if he was a young schoolboy and Pirelli was the comical teacher who had no respect from the students. Everybody turned to look at Mr. Todd, as surprised as Frida was.

The look Pirelli gave Mr. Todd was brimmed with murderous intent and Frida followed her father right behind to help him if the man suddenly decided to attack or use some Italian magic on Mr. Todd which she had heard sailors talk about. It had contained snakes and mushrooms growing out of ones toes and seemed very dangerous to young Frida. She didn't wish it on her father.

"I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's elixir and I say to you, that it is nothing but an arrant fraud, concocted from piss and ink." Mr. Todd continued, now standing right in front of the stage. The Italian man grimaced as if that had hit right on target. "Furthermore, signor, I have serviced no kings! Yet I wager that I can shave a cheek with ten times more dexterity, than any street mountebank." He said throwing the insult right into Pirelli's face. Everyone gasped at his bluntness.

"Do you see these razors?" He asked the crowd around, fishing up two beautiful silver razors which Frida vaguely recognized from some old childhood scene. "I lay them against 5 pound. You are no match, sir. Either accept my challenge, or reveal yourself as a sham." Signor Pirelli's face lit up with a smile. "No…." He said slowly "Throw in the girl instead…" He said pointing at Frida who had peeked out from behind Mr. Todd. "And I will happily accept." He said smiling even wider. Frida felt a cold shiver down her spine and she started to breath rapidly.

Mr. Todd frowned and said sharply. "No. Out of the question." He grabbed a strong hold of Frida's arm and began pushing through the crowd.

"Now who is'a being the sham, signor?" Mr. Pirelli shouted over the crowd laughing scornfully. The crowd muttered in agreement and cast foul glances at Mr. Todd. Pulling out of a wager was not a heroic act and most of the people had hoped for a good show with Italian versus English barber skill. Suddenly they were all standing in the way, not moving an inch, making it impossible for Frida and Mr. Todd to pass.

"Signors! If I do not misunderstand, is he not pulling out of the bet?" Pirelli asked with a faked surprise. The outraged audience immediately answered that indeed he was, followed by a roar of protests about him pulling out of it. The Italian silenced them with a raise of his hand.

"And if someone is to pull out of a wager, doesn't all the 'valuables' on the table go to the one left standing?" He asked as if he was a leader firing up his soldiers before going to battle.

"Yes!" Everybody roared in unison and a couple of hands grabbed hold of Frida and she was pulled out of Mr. Todd's grip and back to in front of the stage. Mr. Todd tried to grab hold of her but it was in vain. "So, What you say signor!" Pirelli said grabbing Frida by the arm, lifting her up on the stage like some kind of object.

Frida was absolutely terrified at this moment. With Pirelli's hands on her she could just stand there frozen looking at the entranced audience. She saw Mrs. Lovett eyes on her, sighing at Frida's stupidity or bad luck for getting dragged into this. She saw the boy staring at her also very excited. He was probably ecstatic about not being leaved alone with the Italian just yet after his failure with selling the urine. Lastly her eyes fell on Mr. Todd who was standing there with a once again unreadable expression. Frida realized that she actually had no idea on what he was going to do. He could just leave her there, even Mrs. Lovett wouldn't mind that much.

"The girl and the razors versus 5 pound. Be ready to give them back, sir." Mr. Todd said softly as he walked towards the stage.

So that is how it happened that Frida was – quite promptly – placed on a chair in the middle of the stage with a razor in one hand and 5 pound in the other, waiting for the outcome of this odd battle like some sort of prize.