Professor Black Teaches Charm School
a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.
In order for me to become charming, Sirius has decided that I need to practice with random tasks throughout the day. Random tasks that are set up by him. According to Sirius, if I'm in everyday situations where I wouldn't normally be charming, I would realize it and change my attitude to what needs to be achieved. I hate to admit it, but it seemed relatively logical.
However, he didn't say when these tasks would pop up, so I had to be on my toes. And I've been on my toes for a week now and nothing has happened. I've gone about acting as I always would. It's nearing October. If it hits October I'm not going to listen to him. In fact, if it hits October I hereby declare that I will throw Sirius Black in the lake for leading me on like that, acting as if I would be in situations where I need to be charming.
Alice and Marlene aren't a great help either. They just stay with me constantly, obviously waiting for the same thing I am, but laughing incessantly. I don't know if they know when it's going to happen and are laughing in preparation, or if they're just naturally giggly like that. In all the six and some years that I have known those two I'd never seen them laugh that much. It's slightly creepy. Sooner or later, I'm just going to join in with them, act as if I know what they're laughing at, and see what they do, not to mention hope that they don't think I'm absolutely loony and want to send me to Saint Mungos. It's been threatened before.
"Seriously, guys! What is so funny?" I finally asked in one wild outburst during Herbology.
"What?" Marlene asked. For the first time in what felt like ages she had on a straight face. No grin. No smirk. No anything! Just a straight I-think-you're-absolutely-mad face! What in the name of Merlin...!
I stared at her in awe, my jaw literally dropping- dropping! "You two," I gestured manically towards her and Alice, "have been giggling on and on about something for a week! What, pray tell, is so funny?"
And yet Alice and Marlene both looked at me like I was the mad one. What is going on with the world? Is it still upside down? Hello, world? If you can hear me, please flip back around! You're driving me absolutely mad!
I tested my plea quickly. Alice and Marlene were still looking at me as if I were completely loony.
James Potter.
Yup, my stomach did some weird flu-symptom flip flop when I thought of him.
Lovely. Thank you, world, for listening to me so well!
"You're mad, Lily," Alice said with a nod. "Maybe you're just unobservant to any other emotions?"
I narrowed my eyes as she peered at me innocently.
"Maybe..."
And that was that. Nothing else was said. Alice and Marlene just exchanged a smirk and went back to potting their plants. I was completely out of the loop. I grumbled and went back to potting my plant as well, tossing glares at my best mates for not sharing whatever secret they had.
Once the bell rang, it was relatively back to normal. Alice was jabbering on about something, Marlene and I nodding and listening. The only thing that was different was that Alice appeared not to be paying any attention to herself at all. She just prattled off some story while looking around the grounds (we were on our way to Care of Magical Creatures) for something. When I went to ask her, Marlene cut me off and asked if I did the drawing. By the time I told her yes and made a duplicate of it, Alice had stopped looking around.
"Alice, what are you-" SPLASH! It was a loud splash that made us all jump and, in unison, say, "What in the name of Merlin..."
Everyone on the grounds turned to face the Black Lake to find Sirius standing there with his arms crossed and looking rather satisfied with himself. Remus and Peter were off to the side chuckling quietly, and James (insert stomach flutter here) was climbing out of the lake, sopping wet. It felt like my stomach was going to jump out of my throat. I wanted to go hid in a tree until he dried off or graduated. Whichever came first. Which would probably be drying, but he was really wet. So you never know, do you?
I went to hide behind Marlene because she's taller than Alice so I wouldn't have to duck as much. Though she did give me a questioning look. "Lily, what are you doing?" she asked, taking a side step and causing me to squee and follow. "What are you- get out from behind me you madman!" She side stepped again and this time I followed and held her shoulders so that she couldn't move. She turned her head as far towards me as she could and asked what I was doing.
"There was a bee!" I answered quickly. Actually, that was a very good response. I gave myself a mental pat on the back for my quick thinking and grinned. "And, you know, I didn't want to get stung or anything. And... I'm afraid of bees?" Okay, so I lost it there. I mentally took away my mental pat on the back.
"Glad to know you think so highly of me," Marlene answered dryly. She pried my fingers off her shoulders and kept walking forward.
"Come on, Lily," Alice said with a grin, practically skipping backwards at Marlene's side.
"But the bee..." I said weakly. "Fine." I followed my two evil mates who wouldn't shield me from James further down the hill and tried to be invisible while doing it. But that's really hard when you've got a honking huge bag at your side. And, you know, two excruciatingly loud mates.
I swear, they were holding a conversation like a couple of old, halfway deaf people!
In my attempts to be invisible (which, in order to be rebellious, you think they would have taught me that by now) I occupied myself with the grounds (though not over to my right, because that was where James was taking off his sopping wet shirt, which means that he will, in fact, probably dry before graduation) and the lovely flowers and such that grew. As I was occupying myself with a butterfly that was fluttering on by, I ran into a big, hard, wet rock.
"Umph!" I said, stumbling backwards, but the rock caught me in a wet embrace. My eyes were shut on impact and I suddenly started to question everything I had ever known about rocks. Since when have they had arms? Since when could they catch people with these new arms? How long have rocks been able to sprout out of the ground like weeds? Why am I just learning about these strange rock habits now, at seventeen? It's making me feel quite ignorant to tell you the truth.
Finally coming out of my brain rock vacation, I opened my eyes and saw that the wet rock wasn't really a rock. Though it was certainly wet. And it certainly should be. Because the previously mentioned 'rock' was indeed James Potter on his way back up to the castle, I'm presuming to find new clothes. As his were sopping wet. And, coincidentally, had gotten me wet as well.
"Oh bleeding hell," I said, trying to get away before my stomach went into a flip flop frenzy and I wouldn't be able to focus. Because, as I have mentioned, he had taken off his sopping wet shirt. So I had been embraced by a sopping wet, shirtless James. My stomach could not handle that. At all. In fact, I was getting slightly dizzy. I made a noise, that, in panicking Lily language at least, hopefully translated to, "Oh sweet Merlin and his socks, I've got to go. Tata for now!" And dashed over to Alice and Marlene who found the entire scene quite comical for they were sitting down laughing like a couple of hyenas.
"Did you know that was going to happen?" I asked, rubbing my stomach to tame the evil flip flopping whatevers that had taken it over. No use. I couldn't get the image of the shirtless James out of my head. His abs alone had me in a frenzy. It was pretty horrible. My frenzy. Not his abs. Those were quite lovely, actually. Very defined and lovely and I saw his entire arm. Now, I've admitted before that James has a nice forearm but his entire arm is even lovelier.
"Of course not," Alice replied, sounding appalled that I would even think that.
"It wasn't," I breathed heavily, a little out of shape, "some attempt at, I don't even know?"
"You alright, Evans?" Sirius called, lazily jogging over to where I was panting and Marlene and Alice were laughing.
"What?"
"Obviously I've got a lot of work to do. You didn't react well to my first test at charming you," he said, looking me up anddown. I certainly didn't look like anything I'd been practicing.
"Sirius," I said in the calmest manner I could muster, which, really, was screaming. "THAT IS NOT AN EVERY DAY SITUATION! It is not every day that the bleeding Head Boy-" and complete babe, I added silently to myself- "comes running up to give me a sopping, shirtless hug!"
It felt nice taking it out on Sirius like that. I don't think he gets yelled at enough by professors anyway.
"You are a horrible charisma coach! Why did I even listen to you? Alice and Marlene must be mad thinking you could help me become mo- hmmphhplarghhnymmphhadore!" Marlene's hand, obviously, flew up and covered my mouth. She began dragging me away, apologizing to Sirius and telling him that, yes, the tests were still a-go and then to Alice to pick up my bag.
Once we were a reasonable distance down the hill and the Marauders a reasonable distance up it Marlene uncovered my mouth and Alice handed me my bag.
"Do you remember anything about being suave?" she asked sternly, stopping and tapping her foot like Mum does. Oh sweet Merlin, insensible, over-reacting, spontaneous Marlene was acting like my mother. "Are we just wasting out time trying to do this? Because this isn't benefiting us at all! We're helping you become more rebellious! And yet you just almost blew it back there, telling everyone! Do you even care, Lily?"
Whoa. Whoa. Since when is Marlene serious? Alice had her hand stretched out in front of her like she wasn't sure whether or not to stop Marlene or not and I just stood there, shocked. She really did sound like my mother.
"Do you?" she asked again, glaring down at me.
"Yes," I answered quietly looking at my toes. My eyes got all watery. Marlene really mad was scary. I blinked away the bleeding tears before looking up. "Sorry."
"Good." She spun on her heel and marched down the hill. Alice gave me a worried look before beckoning me to follow, which I did.
By the time we caught up with her, Marlene was chuckling. Alice looked scared, kind of like Marlene might have some random disease that's making her act all wonky and bipolar.
"Marlene... er, are you alright? I mean, should we bring you to the Hospital Wing or something?" Alice asked timidly, doing the hand stretched out thing again.
"Merlin, Lily," Marlene said with a snort. "You've really got to work on being charming." And with that, she went and sat down by Daniel Davis so that she could ask him about the homework while simultaneously flirt with him.
"That was a test?" I asked Alice in disbelief. "No way. It wasn't. That was so... Marlene never gets... That was a test?!"
Alice was laughing now. "I guess so. Damn, she did a good job."
.:.
For the rest of the day I was even more on my toes. I mean, that was two tests in five minutes! Two! What else was there going to be? Besides me charmingly murdering Sirius while avoiding James at the same time. That was going to be difficult. I mean, I saw him with his shirt off. That's not something that's easy to forget. In fact, because he sits in front of me in Potions, I think I failed the test I took because, I mean, I saw his shirtless back. And arms. And stomach. And shoulders.
I thought I was going to start hyperventilating during the test.
Being charming is hard.
.:.
Sirius cornered me at breakfast the next morning claiming that I wasn't quite ready for spontaneously being charming. He said I needed practice first. When I glared and asked how, he just winked, said to meet him in the Common Room at six o'clock sharp, and walked away with his hands in his pockets. I yelled to see if anyone else was coming and he just chuckled.
Is that a good sign? I'm not sure. Probably not. Merlin only knows why Sirius chuckles.
So now I'm walking ever so slowly to the Common Room. I hid out in the library for fear of running into James because I would either a) say something stupid b) melt into a puddle c) not be able to form coherent sentences or d) all of the above, and all at once. And I would do all of that while picturing him wet and shirtless. I'm surprised I managed to not, you know, die earlier. Because technically he hugged me.
Sweet Merlin, my stomach started to do the flip flop thing again. Maybe I need to eat something fattening to keep it still. That's it, I'll have Alice make me one of her cakes. She's puts loads of unhealthy stuff in there, like a bit of butterbeer ("For character!").
When I reached the Common Room, I was disappointed to see that the Fat Lady was there. The one time I need her to be away and she's sitting happily in her frame playing chess with some bloke from down the hall. Before giving her the password, I wasted more time cursing the short distance between the library and the Common Room.
I looked at my watch. One minute till six. I just had to be on time. Blimey.
I gave the password and the Fat Lady swung open, the man from the other portrait swore because his chess pieces tumbled from the swing. "I told you to be careful after the first time!"
The Common Room was mostly empty except for a couple fifth years flitting around, trying to cram before and Astronomy test. Or at least that's what I picked up from their conversation. Who knows, they could just naturally be like that. And I wouldn't be surprised. The fifth years this year are quite energetic.
I decided to make myself comfortable but before I could squish around in the armchair a bit to find the right spot, someone called my name.
"Lily! That's you, right? I haven't seen you in ages! That's your red hair, isn't it? If you don't answer me then I'm going to feel like a right loon. Lily?" I spun in my chair (completely losing the almost comfortable spot) and saw Sam and Ellen standing in the portrait hole. "Are you deaf?" Sam called. Ellen elbowed him in the side. "Ow."
Speaking of energetic fifth years... "Hello, Sam. Ellen." I sighed in relief, thankful that it wasn't Sirius. Maybe he'd forgotten. Ah, that'd be nice. I'd have the night off. No idea where Marlene and Alice are, probably off rampaging with a couple of blokes. Sirius probably got swept up in some prank. Ah yes, the good life. "Did you, er... need something?" I asked, a bit uncertain. It's not often Sam talks to me, mainly because I don't see him and when I do it's because we're passing in the halls.
"Yeah, Sirius said to sit tight, he'll be here in a bit. He got... caught up, if you catch my drift," he pointed a finger at me and winked. Ellen stomped on his foot.
"Don't mind him, Lily. He's a bit mad. I mean, obviously. You've seen him before, acting all mad and what not. I do my best to contain him but, well, you see how well that's working."
I grinned, and nodded. "It must just be a bloke thing."
She smiled. "Probably. They're all a bit mad, aren't they?"
"No we're not. You girls are just too... not mad."
"You're calling me not mad? Are you sure? Because I can be off my rocker when I want to be!"
"Don't get your knickers in a twist." Ellen glared at him. "Come on," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders. "Lets go send this letter."
And the pair walked off.
Never in my life have I seen an odder couple. I was still trying to figure out how it went from Ellen calling Sam mad, to Sam claiming he wasn't, and Ellen claiming she could be if she wanted to be, when Sirius walked in, thankfully by himself. His hair was tousled. Lovely. I was getting Post-Snog Sirius.
"Nice hair," I commented sarcastically. Minus one Charming Point for Lily, but hey, it was worth it. "Get in a fight with a lion?"
Sirius just grinned and ran his hand through the mop, which, somehow, managed to look relatively normal afterwards.
Now if James did that the pieces of hair would stick up even more. He should take lessons from Sirius (why is Sirius suddenly becoming Mister Professor?!). I mean, even the other day while it was soaking wet it still stood up at odd angles.
Flip. And flop.
Oh sweet Merlin.
"Are you ready to go?" Sirius asked, sitting on the couch next to me.
"Where are we going?" I asked suspiciously.
"Why, I'm taking you to dinner!"
I laughed out loud. "No you're not."
He gave me a confused look. "Yes I am. You need to practice being charming."
"I'm not going to dinner with you."
"Come on. If you don't move, I'll carry you. And I'm sure you wouldn't want that. Besides, what if someone saw? Then word will get back to Maggie- No... Stephanie. No. Bleeding hell. Sarah! That was it! And then I'll have to try and make amends. So do this for me." He was smirking but there was still a tint of begging in his voice.
Grudgingly I stood up and followed him out of the Common Room, laughing and walking ahead when he offered his arm. I could have sworn he mumbled something about most girls willing to give up a lung to touch his biceps and couldn't help but let out a snort.
"You know," he said, "that wasn't charming at all."
"Shove off. Let's get this over with."
We stayed quiet for a few more minutes and then I realized where we were exactly.
The portrait of the fruit stood in front of me and memories of ticklish pears and James came flooding back, of course making my stomach flip flop more than ever. I held on to it- my stomach, that is- and hoped that it wasn't noticeable.
"Why are we at the kitchens?" I asked, gripping my stomach tighter. You know, this bloody well sucks. Can I not go anywhere and have it remind me of James Potter? I mean, surely it wouldn't be so bad if my bloody stomach didn't go into a freaky frenzy every single time, but honestly. What is wrong with me?
He gave me a peculiar look. "How did you know these were the kitchens?" he asked suspiciously.
Wait. James didn't tell him that we went here? Sweet Merlin.
"Well, I- you said... dinner! You said dinner. So, it's only right to assume that these are the kitchens?" Please, please, please let him buy my lie.
"Oh. Alright. Well, anyway. I guess you know what to do. Tickle the pear and it'll let you in and the next part of charm lessons will be waiting in there," he explained, putting his hands in his pockets and turning to walk away.
What?
"Wait! What? I thought you were taking me to dinner!"
Sirius turned back around and grinned. "I did. I brought you to dinner. You're dinner is in there. With the next part of your lesson. Go, go. Enjoy." And with that, he gave me a cheeky grin and walked away.
I sucked in a deep breath and tickled the pear. It giggled and turned into a green doorknob.
What if it was James? I couldn't handle that. I couldn't even handle being in the same classroom as him. How am I supposed to get charm lessons from the boy who has single-handedly taken over my brain? I wouldn't survive. I'd demand the house elves kidnap me and ship me off to Nigeria. Or Siberia. Or whatever! Anywhere else but that room!
I must be going mad! Any other girl in her right mind would sell their soul to go to dinner with the boy that she... fancied. (There! I admitted it! I finally admitted it! I fancy James Potter! I did it again! Granted the only one that knows it is my inner brain and such, and, okay, it was pretty obvious before that, but admitting it is a great step! Right? RIGHT?!) Actually, any girl in their right mind would sell their soul to go to dinner with James Potter, not just the boy they fancied (though to be fair, most girls have fancied James Potter at some point in their life).
It was kind of dark and my stomach was in knots. I'm supposed to eat dinner with James. What if I barf? Oh sweet Merlin, I probably will, too. What kind of Head Girl tosses her cookies all over the Head Boy?
There was an outline of James. I could just barely make out his messy hair. Well, actually, it looked a bit less messy today. I wonder if he combed it just for the occasion.
"Lily? Is that you? Blimey, Sirius took forever. Come have a seat."
Wait. Wait. That wasn't... It's not James. It's...
"Aggley?!"
A/n: Horray! Another chapter. I just finished Stop in the Name of Pants! which really put me in the writing mood which is also why this chapter is so random. I'm really tired because- well, have you ever accidentally had two sodas before going to bed and forgetting that sleep would come soon and then try to get to sleep and realize you can't because you're hyped up on caffeine? That's what happened last night which is why I'm so tired. I didn't fall asleep until about oneish, the entire time wishing I was outside running. Go figure.
Oh yeah, hope you liked my cliffy. This one goes out to Beefcake the Mightly who really wanted to see a shirtless, wet James. Of course, I think most of us would. So yeah.
Thanks for reading!
Mucho lurve, your own shirtless, wet marauder, and a bowl of sweets,
Siriusly Klutzy
