A/N I wrote this one while in serious sleep deprivation. So I apologize for all the mushiness. I will get back to the action soon. If its too mushy let me know I will get rid of the chapter and try to replace it with something better.
I would like to thank Ragnarok666 for all the ideas for my story and help with all the starcraft lore that I am unfamiliar with. Please check out Ragnarok666's story Aftermath and Revelations. The SC books are tied into the story and It continues on after Wings of Liberty and is a great read for any starcraft fan.
Heart of the Swarm Chapter 11
Sarah was a complete wreck during the ride back to the Leviathan. She laid her head down onto her hands and fought back the tears that threatened to spill out.
She was being torn in different directions. All she wanted to do was get back to the Leviathan and spend as much time with Jim as possible. She would do everything with him. Anything he wanted she would give. She would start by fulfilling his fantasies about her that he had when he asked her to go to the springs with him.
She shook head. Then what would she do? Give in to his every desire, fulfill his dreams and in the next moment shatter them. She would turn his dreams back into the nightmare that had plagued him for so long. It wasn't fair for her to string him along with false hope with a life that could never be.
It wasn't just the bargain that she had struck with the Protoss. That was just one of the numerous challenges that their complicated relationship faced. Even if all the chips were seemingly stacked against them neither of them could seem to let go. It was like an unspoken agreement between the two of them that they not discuss the obstacles that their relationship faced. They had both given up much in this life, did they not deserve some sliver of happiness no matter how brief?
She knew they would have to talk about their relationship eventually. There had been many times that she wanted to broach the topic with him but the look in Jim's eyes always prevented her from doing so. How could she deny him any happiness when all it took for him to be happy was for her to be with him.
Her heart started breaking even more when she thought about the future. He would be devastated when he found out that had given herself to the Protoss. She had to find a way so that he wouldn't succumb to drinking again or be so mad with grief that he would do something horrible to avenge her. She hoped that Jim was rational enough that he would realize that it was what she wanted. She shook her head at herself. After Mengsk betrayed her and left her to the Zerg, Jim did everything he could to try and avenge her. He started a rebellion for her. Yes, it was also to create a better future that free of Mengsk's tyrannical reign but those closest to Jim knew what was in his heart.
He didn't give up on her even when she gave him every reason to do so. It wasn't until she had betrayed Fenix did he actually think she was beyond saving but even then when Valerian gave him the chance to save her he took it anyway.
He did that when they were only friends, not yet having admitted their feelings for one another. How would he act now that they were in a relationship? Would he be able to let go now that he had a sample of what it was like to have her mind, body, and soul?
Her thoughts had consumed her longer than she had thought. Before she knew it she had arrived back at the Leviathan. Everything seemed as it should be. It looks like the Protoss would keep their end of the bargain.
After disembarking she headed straight for the control. She had left instructions that while she was gone Jim was to be in charge. They were all to follow his orders once he had awaken.
"Jim?" She called out immediately once she got to the control room. She looked around but he was nowhere to be found.
"My Queen, I am glad to see you returned unharmed." Za'gara said upon seeing her.
Sarah ignored her. "Where's Jim?"
They all looked at each other curiously but it was Stukov who spoke. "He is still in your chambers. He has not yet awakened."
Sarah took off, heading straight for their room. She entered to see the medics still looking him over. The forlorn look on the medic's face was terrifying to Sarah.
"How is he?" Sarah asked urgently.
The medic open and closed her mouth several times to respond but no sound came out.
Sarah knew what the problem. She did her best to relax her features. "Lisa isn't it?"
"Yes, your majesty." Lisa responded nervously. She looked she wanted to bow but was unsure of protocol.
"My name is Sarah, Lisa. I don't mean to frighten you I was just concerned about him. Will you please tell me?" Sarah hoped showing the girl that she was clam would relax her. The medic was obviously terrified of the repercussion of giving the Queen of the Zerg bad news.
"Please, Lisa. I love him so much." Sarah pleaded.
The frightened girl finally nodded. "Jim, I mean, the commander, I meant your-he-"
"We're losing him." Someone said behind her.
Sarah turned to see a haggard looking Matt enter her chambers. "That can't be." Sarah was disbelieving what she was hearing. " shielded him."
Matt looked from her to his friend and back to her again. "Physically he's fine. Better than fine in fact. If I didn't know Jim so well I would have said that his body is that of a man in his mid twenties."
"Then what is going on?" Sarah demanded. The medic jumped at the rise in Sarah's tone but she was done being concerned about the girl.
"We don't know. It's like nothing we have ever seen before. It's almost like he wants to give up" Matt said defeated. The man he had known was never one to go quietly into the night.
In all of Sarah plans and scheming about what would happen to her and Jim, she had never in her darkest nightmare imagined a future where he did not wake up.
James Raynor drifted alone in darkness. He was strangely at ease with the emptiness of it all. His thoughts swam with endless visions that were both vague and clear at the same time. He tried to grasp them, to connect with them but they faded as quickly as they would come. He wasn't sure what they were. Memories? Dreams? His hopes of what could have been and what may be? He didn't understand them but he knew they were important and that they were trying to tell him something. The problem for Jim was that he was having trouble caring. He knew he should but the dull emptiness was such a welcome release from his constant pain and heart ache. It was soothing to drift alone and in doing so not allow himself to hurt anymore. He thought to himself that this is better, it's better the pain and sadness that was waiting for him. Slowly the visions faded becoming more ethereal and harder for him to understand. His mind clinging more and more to that eternal emptiness that promised him peace. Finally, he would be able to let go, he thought. That's when he started hearing voices. Distant at first, more like echoes in a canyon. They reverberated in his mind, still incoherent. He wanted to ignore them but with every voice and whisper came a pulling sensation that threatened to collapse his blissful sleep. He groaned. Why did this have to happen? Why can't everyone just leave him alone? He worked harder to shut out the voices he heard and instead tried to focus on the never ending peace he wanted so badly.
The monitors beeped and pulsed as the medics worked feverishly on Jim. His heart had given out and he was slipping away. They needed to revive him quickly or this would be the end. The medics ushered out his friends who had to see him, yelling that they needed room to work. They had been filing in all day from the Hyperion and other ships. Matt had made it a priority to keep Jim's condition a secret so naturally every single Raider knew what was going on. If Sarah was not so focused on Jim she would have been amazed at the emotion being displayed. Even the hardiest of the Raiders had trouble not breaking. Here was the leader that had led through the impossible. It was inconceivable to some of them that they could actually lose him. The medics continued to shove them out. They eventually consented slowly filing out with only Sarah refusing to budge an inch. She glared at them with eyes that were on fire. Her stare could have burned right through the wall. The determination was evident there so they backed off. None of them were willing to challenge her anyway.
"No." Sarah said softly. The others were working feverishly on Jim but to no avail. He was slipping away.
"No!" Sarah yelled this time causing everyone around her to jump. She pushed them aside to reach Jim. She placed her hands on his head and closed her eyes. She reached out with her mind and joined it with his.
"I'm not going to let you give up. You can't get rid of me that easily." Sarah whispered to him.
Through the drumming of voices in his head he had heard a voice whisper something about not giving up. He didn't understand but that thought suddenly stopped his drifting allowing himself the time to think. As he did the haziness of the eternal emptiness he had been floating through seemed to recede. He started to feel the pain again, the pain, the heartache, the loss, and the inadequateness of always being too late or weak to help.
Sarah waded through his mind, feeling the walls he had confined himself in. She understood better than most the need to cut yourself from everything around you. Sometimes it seemed better than facing reality.
"That's the easy way out, Jim. You've never choose the easy way." Sarah let her thoughts slip into his mind.
For the first time Sarah got a response. "I chose to love you."
"My point exactly. Of all the women in the galaxy you chose the most unavailable one out there. You never gave up on me so I'm not going to give up on you." Sarah told him.
"You should. I'm just going to get you killed. I will let you down eventually do. I always do." Sarah could feel him retreating further into his mind. She knew now what was driving him.
"Why do you keep blaming yourself for those around you. Our choices are own. Mine, Fenix, and all those who stood with you. We all did what we had to do." Sarah thought he had worked through his guilt but it was deeper than she knew.
"If I-"
"If you what? Made different choices? Where would any of us be now if you had? Stop blaming yourself for our failures and cherish in the victories that you helped bring about.."
Through the walls he put up Jim then felt some one clutch his hand in theirs. The hands were soft and soothing even through the hardened carapace, their warmth vibrated on his skin and radiated throughout his body. Her touch was as familiar to him as his own shadow. He felt her fingers slide seamlessly into his as if they had always belonged there. The hands tightened their grip on his hand. He heard her voice and the reassurance in them. The voice told him to fight for her. Even though Jim was tired of the constant failure he suddenly knew that he had to fight for her. That by not doing so would her hurt her more than anything. The very thought of hurting her seemed like blasphemy. He didn't want to hurt anyone else, not after everyone that he had already pained. That one thought set his mind on fire. Memories blazed from where he has them buried and threatened to drown him in their significance. He saw Sarah's face breach the shadows. He knew it better than he knew his own. Her smile drawing him and helping him get lost in its warmth and love. He saw their hopes and dreams cascading together in an avalanche of visions. He saw their life together so clearly, that he didn't know how he could have ever survived without her.
Jim squinted as the light blinded his eyes. They had been closed for so long that his eyes were having a hard time adjusting. He heard someone sobbing on his side and he felt warm tears drip onto his shoulder.
"I won't give up if you don't." Jim said weakly.
Sarah wanted to say yes so badly but she could not bring herself to do so. She leaned her head into his shoulder and nodded softly. Lying yet again to the man she loved.
A/N Like I said sorry for the mushiness. I was actually thinking of not posting this one but I thought you guys would let me know anyway if I should get rid of this chapter.
