Title: The Promise of Tomorrow
Chapter 11 - A New Connection is made
"I...yes...Mac? Are you Serious?"
"I know this is...well not exactly the place I had planned to tell you," he smirks, "and I will ask properly but...well I just wanted you to know how serious my intentions are in all this. Stella, I have known you for ten years and love you more than anything. I know it might seem right now as if I am rushing things after a month, but when I came to Greece, my intentions were to continue to build on that confession and ask you to marry me shortly thereafter; that was four years ago."
"You wanted that?" I ask in continued surprise, my eyes about to offer happy tears.
"That and more," Mac gently smiles. "I wanted you as my wife then Stella, I just didn't act upon it. But that feeling is stronger now."
"Mac what about..."
"I don't think we need to go the regular dating routine to get to know each other. Stella, I love you. I know you and want to be with you...just didn't expect to be...well a single father at the time and..." Mac stars again only to have me pull his lips to mine and stop his speech by hungrily devouring his mouth.
"So was that a yes right?" Mac teases and I offer a mock pout.
"That's...a yes."
"Plus I'm sure that Millie wants a break as well," I huff as I hurry to get dressed. But as I think about Mac leaving and I'll be alone for the day my eyes water and my heart starts to ache. But not wanting to make Mac feel guilty, I allow my mind to dwell on his proposal and my eyes quickly dry. Just in time too.
"I want you to stay for breakfast but I know you can't," I tell him firmly as we head into the kitchen.
"I should..."
"Mac, don't try to justify yourself," I insist with a smile. "It's Saturday and Cameron needs his father."
"He needs a regular family," Mac replies in anger as he turns to face me with a serious expression. "I will ask you properly Stella. We will be a family."
I touch his face and his hand quickly covers mine and holds it in place on his now smooth cheek. "And when you do, I will say yes again. I said yes Mac this morning and I meant it," I assure as I plant a firm kiss on his lips. "Call me later?"
"You know I will," he answers as he kisses me once more. We linger a bit longer in the entranceway to my apartment before I finally have to let him go; my heart now aching as he slowly takes his leave. Mac turns to offer me one last smile before the elevator takes him from view and he's gone; at least for now.
But after such an amazing night like last night, how on earth am I going to be able to face any day that I am alone? And with a that anguished thought, I sag to the floor, allow the silence to engulf me and fill the room with quiet sobs.
The drive back to my apartment is done of course in reflective silence. Last night was more than amazing; it was the connection we have both needed to happen in order to progress to the next level. I think during the night I finally realized that Stella is here for the long haul and I need to now take the next step to show her how serious I am about having her in my life on a permanent basis. None of this just sleeping around when we have the time and then going back to our separate lives when morning returns. I had asked her to marry me in the heat of the moment, but much like my confession of love it's what I was feeling and wanted her to know.
But I do have concerns about Cameron and our sleeping arrangements. He's used to just coming into my bedroom in the morning or whenever he wants and I know I can't always use the child gate; especially as he gets older. But Stella's words about explaining things to him, makes some sort of sense and so that's one of the reasons I didn't push for breakfast, I wanted to get home and talk to Cameron right away.
I finally reach home, rush up the stairs and race toward my front door. As I go to push the key into the lock, I hear warm laughter from inside and know that my son is already up; the perfect opportunity to talk to him now.
"Daddy!" Cameron greets me as he rushes into my open arms and I quickly capture him close and plant a warm kiss on his cheek. "Missed you," he tells me as I pick him up and hold him close.
"Missed you too. Where you a good boy for gramma?"
"Yes," he states eagerly as I look at my mother who offers a warm smile in return.
"By that smile, I take it things went better than expected," she states as I place Cameron by the TV and head into my bedroom to change, my mother following, stopping at the door.
"I sort of asked her to marry me," I confess, my back still to my mother.
"And?"
"She sort of said yes," I gently frown.
"Did she say yes or are you just reading into something you are now nervous about seeing come true?" My mother quickly calls me on my insecurity.
"She said yes," I tell her as I turn around to face her with a gentle frown.
"What is it?"
"How was Cameron last night?"
"He asked about you and was sad when I told him you weren't coming home but then he finally got the picture and went to sleep like the good boy you raised."
"And what happens when he comes into my room and I'm no longer alone? I mean what if Stella and I...well want to be um...intimate or...whatever..." my voice trails off in slight embarrassment. "Never mind."
"Why is it children, especially grown men, always have a hard time talking about their own sex life in front of their mothers. McCanna do you think I just thought that you and Stella played cards all night?" She asks and I just smirk. "If you want her here on a permanent basis then you'll just tell your son the truth. It'll take him a few times to get used to the idea that she's here on a regular basis but trust me he wants her here just as much as you."
"Stella said that too. I don't want to hurt him further."
"Bringing into your lives a woman who'll loves him right now and who'll him as he grows up? Trust me, she should have been here right from day one. But you have the opportunity now; don't let it slip away from you. He's already calling her mummy. To wait for a long period of time would do him more harm than good. When do you plan on asking her?"
"I would this afternoon if I could," I huff as I hang up my suit jacket in the closet, my new tie beside it. "By the way my new outfit did win me brownie points."
"Thought as much," my mother smiles. "So what are your plans for today?"
I look at her in misery. "See this is what I hate. I had an amazing night and well an amazing morning and then...nothing? I want to be with her but," I stop as I see my mother shaking her head as she comes in closer. She takes both hands in hers and gives them a firm squeeze. "How can I just think about her being alone all day when I know she wants to be with me; with us. But then if we do spend the day I hate the fact that we have to separate like strangers each time we part at the end of the day. Damn I hate this!"
"Get changed, talk to your son and then the both of you go and see Stella. Spend the day with her as I know you want to."
"I want to," I whisper with a tight smile. "And when do we include you?" I ask in wonder.
"Well if you'll just hurry up and ask her to marry you, then I could plan an engagement dinner for you two," my mother tells me and I have to smile in return. "I am already included McCanna. Seeing you happy like this, makes me happy. Seeing my grandson so loved and happy also makes me happy. The rest will come."
"I want to propose on Friday," I tell my mother firmly. She wraps her arms around me and then kisses me on the cheek.
"That is the best decision you have ever talked about making."
"Don't think it's too impulsive?" I have to inquire.
"Maybe if you had known Stella for only ten days; not ten years. You allowed four years to pass in misery, now it's time to spend the rest of your life in happiness. Besides you told me after you both came back from Greece you were going to ask her. You lost that chance then; not this one. Ask her my son; ask the woman you love to be a permanent part in your life. Bring her into Cameron's life as his mother and your wife. Do it before something happens once again and it's lost for good."
I watch her leave and finally feel all my tension starting to ease. I want Stella as my wife; Cameron's step mother; and I don't want to wait much longer for it to happen. I know we'll have our troubles and there will be growing pains, especially with a child in the mix, but I am now confident that with her at my side; it'll be a success. So with the thought of ring shopping now on my brain, I quickly change and then head out to find my son, eager to get the day started.
First I'm going to tell him about Stella possibly being his new mother and then I'm going to tell him we are going to see her. I am now offering a quick prayer that both discussions will end on positive notes. I go in search of my son and find him sitting on the couch with the Thomas reading book in his hands. I didn't get a chance to read to him last night like I normally do and now wonder if he'll be mad. But when he looks up with a bright smile, I know my fears are unjustified.
"Want to read right now?"
"Yah," he smiles as he holds up his reading book. "Read with mummy."
I look at him in shock and my heart sinks. However, determined not to let my own feelings of melancholy about her not being here hinder my discussion, I offer a tight smile and sit down beside him, pulling him onto my lap and holding him close. He wraps his arms around my neck and kisses my cheek and my smile is instantly genuine.
"We'll see mummy later."
"Now daddy..." He starts and I know if I don't stop this right now I'll be in mental torment.
"Missed you sweet boy," I nuzzle his ear before I pull back and look at him with a serious expression, my mother hovering in the background, allowing me privacy.
"Mummy?"
"Cameron last night daddy spent the night with Stella," I start and my son looks at me with a slight frown. "I love her very much and I am going to ask her to marry me. That means I am going to ask her to come and live with us on a permanent basis and you can see her every day," I tell him and his facial expression doesn't change. I know he doesn't really understand but I have to try; for both our sakes.
"Would it be okay if Stella came here and lived with us?" I ask and he shrugs his shoulders and I just offer a heavy sigh and a slight smirk. "Would it be okay if she lived here every day?" I try again.
"Mummy?" Cameron asks with a wide smile and my heart breaks.
"Yes mummy," I whisper tenderly as I kiss the top of his head. "Do you want to see her every day?" I ask and he smiles. "I want the three of us to be a real family Cameron. Would you like that?"
"Yah," he nods his head and I know he's just agreeing with me. But that's okay as I just want to make sure he knows what's going on. However, when I look up at my mother and she gives me the thumbs up my mind settles at least somewhat. However, telling him these things now and then having to explain them again when Stella is actually here, will be very different. But then another thought crosses my mind and I look up at my mother in with a worried expression before Cameron tugs at my sleeve.
"So how about I make us some breakfast and then we go and take Stella to the park?"
"The park!" Cameron shouts as his eyes widen with joy. "YES!"
"Breakfast first," I tell him as I push myself up and head over to my mother.
"I know that look," she states in concern. "What are you doubting now?"
"I can't ask her to move here and I can't move back to Manhattan, too far..." my voice trails off as I run a frustrated hand through my hair and sigh heavily. "For work."
"I understand there is a vacancy in the Manhattan lab," my mother reminds me.
"I can't go back," I whisper in misery. "Oh maybe this wasn't such a good idea," I lament as I turn to leave.
My mother grabs my arm and then turns me to face my son, who looks up at both of us with a warm loving smile before back down at the book he's now trying to read on his own.
"Last night you thought of yourself first and asked Stella to marry you and that made me happy. Now it's time to make me happier still; put away your pride McCanna and think of him first," she gently instructs. I know in an instant what she means and she is right. It's about time I swallowed my prideful guilt and got back to where I belonged, my old lab, my old team with Stella at my side as my wife and partner. I offer a firm nod, settled now to call Chief Sinclair first thing Monday morning; once again praying all goes well.
I listen to the stifling silence as it starts to consume me and already I am wishing that Mac was here with me right now; that the air was filled with Cameron's happy laughter instead of my own miserable sighs. Last night was amazing and once again my brain is replaying Mac and I making love before waking up in each other's arms. But watching him leave was harder than I thought and now I feel like our relationship will strain until we are a permanent bond.
I take my coffee and head over to the window and sit down on the ledge, allowing the sun to calm my nerves. I think about Mac's mentioned proposal but now I have to wonder about where we will really live. I am hoping that when he does ask, it'll force him to finally reconsider coming back to his old job, but worry that he won't be able to see past his own personal misery and see that we all want him back where he belongs. The phone rings and my heart starts to race as I hurry for it, hoping its Mac.
"Hey Don."
"Sorry, it's not Mac."
"Funny. What's up?"
"I need your advice."
"On?"
"A first date."
"You want dating advice from me? Don my dating life hasn't been the picture you'd want to copy. But I'll help if I can."
"I have struggled with this for about six months now, just not sure if um...well Jess would..."
"She would want you to be happy Don. You know when I first asked Mac out for something more social, it was small but I was worried about what Claire might think. Silly I know as she's dead but...I still wondered. But then I realized that she'd want Mac to be happy, just like Jess would want you to be happy. I know you'll never forget her, just like Mac hasn't forgotten Claire. So don't think you are betraying her in any way."
"Okay here goes," he pauses with a heavy sigh. "Her name is Emily Chan and she works on Mac's team. She's persistent but not in an annoying way. She mentioned it again last week and...and I think I would be interested in getting to know her better. She's very different from Jess but...and I know I shouldn't compare, especially after four years but..."
"Human nature Don."
"She's very funny and well Asian, so she dresses really trendy but she's hot," he snickers and I can't help but laugh. "She looks after her mother which is really cool and yes she likes hockey; not a die hard fan or anything but at least she knows Alexander the Great isn't just a historical figure."
"That's important," I smile.
"And she's really grown on me. Stella I think I really do like her but..."
"Well if you are waiting for me to say go for it, then go for it. Keep it fun and casual and don't expect anything."
"Really?"
"Yes. Life and time are too short and I you and I have both learned that lesson the hard way. If you want something then go for it. If you like her say yes; have a good time and...and then...well that's up to you."
"Thanks Stella. I knew I wanted to I um...yeah okay so, how did last night go with Mac?"
"You mean the dinner?"
"Hell yes the dinner," he chuckles. "Don't want to hear about Mac's sex life or yours...or whatever," he finishes with a smile I can almost see over the phone. "He loves you Stella, more than anything. Think you two will ever get married?"
"Yes we will," I confess with my own wide smile. "But until he shows me a ring, you know I'll remain a bit skeptical. Hard not to after all these years of being apart. I love him Don, more than anything in this world and want to be with both of them."
Don and I talk a bit longer before both hanging up with high hopes for the future. I look around my place and finally realize that the place itself isn't something I'd lament leaving behind; not if it means sacrificing everything to be with an amazing man. I head back into the kitchen to get my breakfast finished and then start into my weekend chores, turning up the music to keep from dwelling on the fact that Mac isn't here. Oh I miss him so much, my brain states in sorrow. However, another hour after that, a knock is heard at the door and I can't get there to open it fast enough.
"Mac?" I ask in happy surprise as I look from his handsome face to the cute one right beside him. "Cameron!"
"Mummy!"
"Surprise," I state weakly as I hold Cameron in my arms, both of us looking at Stella in expectation. "I hope it's okay that..." I start only to have her gently take my arm and pull us both inside her freshly cleaned apartment. "Did I disturb anything?"
"Yes, bad boy. You took me away from vacuuming," she teases and my face relaxes. I slowly enter her apartment, my mind still worried about the discussion I had earlier with my mother about where we might live after we are married. I slowly ease Cameron out of my arms to the floor, but he quickly runs to Stella and wraps his arms around her legs, holding on tightly and further cementing in my mind that he needs her in his life on a permanent daily basis and I better get my ass in gear.
Stella bends down to him and offers him a warm hug, his body slowly detaching itself from her leg. "Do you want to take off your coat Cameron?" Stella asks and he nods his head. "I don't have any toys," Stella sheepishly frowns.
"I always come prepared," I tell her as I show her my bag that was slung on the other shoulder. "But we want you to get your coat on and come with us."
"Where to?" Stella asks with arched brows.
"Kennedy amusement park?" I ask with some hesitancy. "They have some really great child rides that Cameron is finally old enough to ride on."
"Can I have a few minutes to change?"
"Of course," I tell her with a warm smile. I watch her leave and then unzip Cameron's jacket before telling him to stay put and then pushing myself back up and heading into the kitchen to fill up a bottle with some water; assuming Cameron is just going to stay put in this new environment to him. I was wrong. About a minute later I head back out of the kitchen and see my son is missing. Then I hear something that makes me cringe.
"Mummy's naked!" Cameron laughs and I race toward Stella's bedroom, my anger starting to rise. However, when I round the corner I see that Stella is almost dressed but only has a bra on.
"Oh damn," I gently curse as I quickly take Cameron from her bedroom and close the door. My son starts to protest as he can tell by the tone of my voice that I am not happy with his actions. I kneel down and look at him with a heavy frown.
"What did daddy tell you? Didn't I tell you to stay put?" I ask with a firm tone and his bottom lip starts to quiver. He slowly nods his head and my frustration is finally starting to subside. "Did you listen?" I query and he shakes his head no, his eyes already wet.
"But mummy..."
Stella appears in her doorway and I glance up at her in regret. "Cameron, when an adult goes into their bedroom they need privacy. If you are not invited you need to knock on the door like I showed you how to do at Gramma's; you need to give mummy the same respect. For not listening I should just take you home."
"No daddy...I'm sorwry," he sobs in sorrow as he flings his arms my neck and starts to cry. My body releases a heavy sigh as I hug him back. I finally pull back and look at him with a kind smile. "You need to go and tell Stella you are sorry for not knocking. If you do that we'll go to the park."
Cameron nods his heads and I swivel on my knees and watch as he slowly walks up to her and stands before her in misery; Stella thankfully fully dressed.
"Sorry Stella for not knocking," he mumbles and she bends down and also gives him a hug.
"It's okay sweet boy. I know you meant no harm. I'm not mad at you," she whispers as she looks at me and offers a kind smile. Cameron finally wanders back to me and I give him instructions to take out one toy and sit on the floor by the bag and just wait; his wandering privileges have been revoked. I then go in search of Stella. I peer into her bedroom to see her dressed and lightly knock; knowing I can't ream my son out for something I am not willing to do in return. She looks up with a smile, but it does little to ease my nervous anxiety.
"Mac, come here," she frowns as she comes up to me, takes me by the hand and gently pulls me toward the bed, forcing me to sit down beside her.
"I hate getting mad at him," I state in misery as my eyes fix themselves on her fingers. "But I am sorry if he embarrassed you."
"I wasn't completely naked. But Mac, he called me mummy, did you lose sight of that fact?" She inquires and I look up at her in regret.
"I did. I um...this is still so new and...where will we live?" I blurt out and then shake my head as I pull my hand free, preparing to leave.
Stella gently takes my arm and pulls me back down beside her. "What?" She asks.
"Nothing."
"I'll bet that's what you spent most of the morning worrying about right?" She asks and I can't help but nod my head in agreement, my eyes still not daring to meet hers.
"Mac, I don't care where we live and..."
"I do," I state softly as her hand rests on my cheek and guides my face to look at hers. She brings her lips to mine and tenderly kisses them.
"I love you," she whispers. "Whatever happens, we'll make it work. But for now let's not keep that boy or ours waiting any longer."
"But..." I start and she kisses me again, silencing me and I can't help but pull away with a smirk.
"Always seems to work," I confess and she squeezes my hand.
"What is really wrong?"
"I want us to be a family. Not a week from now or a month or god forbid a year...I felt like last night was a one night stand and...later today when we have to leave and...Stella more than anything I hate that feeling, having to rush back to another life, instead of staying with you as I want. If it was just us, it wouldn't be as big...okay so I would want it but...you know what I mean. Cameron changes things and..."
Stella offers a nod of what I hope is understanding and then smiles. "I want that too Mac. Trust me, it was just as hard for me to let you go this morning also and then try to contemplate facing the day alone; while you two were off in a world I wanted to be in."
"Let's get married next weekend," I state in haste and she gently chuckles. But when she looks at the serious expression on my face she pulls back in wonder. "Stella, I'm serious."
She shakes her head and I notice her eyes slightly water. "We should go."
"Right," I huff with a deep sigh.
"Mac," she starts as we both stand up, inches apart. "I want that too," she whispers before she wraps her arms around my neck and starts to hungrily devour my lips. But before we can get carried away a soft knock is heard at the door and we both turn to see Cameron watching us with a timid smile.
"You can come in Cameron," I warmly offer and he runs up to us and wraps his arms around her legs and looks up.
"Daddy, mummy, goes to the park," he urges and I look at Stella who simply smiles in return; her eyes about to mist.
"All set?" I ask Stella in haste.
"All set," she confirms. "Let's go to the park."
"Yay!" Cameron shouts in glee as he races back for the front door.
Stella takes my hand and stops me once again. "Mac, I want that too. And trust me it can't come soon enough," she confirms her earlier words and I know Monday's ring shopping won't be in vain.
XXXXXXXX
I can't really fault Mac for being anxious about where we will live but inside I am selfishly hoping he'll realize how much he belongs back at his old lab, my lab, and take back his old position; the one that Sinclair still hasn't filled. I have to, however, laugh at his enthusiasm to get married next weekend. Oh if only it were that simple. Mac and I have known each other for ten years so it's not like we have to do the whole getting to be friends and doing the just dating phase. And with Cameron's emotions thrown into the mix, I can understand Mac wanting something more stable in his life than just him and me to spend the night once a week and that's it. Me, I don't care about extensive dating. I want Mac; I want my family.
But as I listen to Mac's soft voice talking about the park we are going to visit and listen to Cameron's happy chatter about, well nothing really, my brain starts to make it clear that I too don't know what we are waiting for? Usually people date to build up trust, grow a friendship and see if there is enough chemical spark to keep the attraction going once the honeymoon phase has worn off. Mac and I passed that long ago. Now I guess we just need to work on the small stuff, like where we'll live and how the work problem will be resolved. But as Mac pulls into the parking lot of the amusement park I know thing is for sure, at the end of today, letting both of them go back to their own world without me, will kill me.
Mac stops the SUV and then looks at me with a warm smile before he pushes himself out of the front and heads to get Cameron out of the back. I quickly gather up his carrying bag and hurry outside to join them. The weather crisp and clear but the sun is shining and it's another perfect fall day for a family outing.
I take much delight in watching Cameron's eyes light up as he looks at the assortment of colorful rides, practically dragging Mac toward the main entrance gate.
"Cameron just wait," Mac huffs as he pulls his son back to him and lightly laughs. We reach the entrance and my heart skips a beat when Mac asks for the family package. The three of us get our hands stamped and then head inside, masses of people, smells of tempting food, laugher, music and a million different things all vying for the attention of the very distracted four year old.
"Unlike other amusement parks, this one really caters to small children," Mac tells me and I look at him in wonder. "Yes I know useless trivia like that," he tells me and I can't help but smile as I loop my arm in his and hold on tightly; his hand firmly holding Cameron's. We reach the first attraction, a small spinning ride that has tea cups for the seats.
"Do you um want to go with him?" Mac asks in a sheepish tone.
"Are you sure?"
"Kinda girly for me," Mac smirks and I just laugh as I look down at Cameron with a warm smile.
"Cameron do you want to come with me for a ride in those spinning tea cups?" I ask and he looks at Mac who nods before shouting yes in happiness. I hand my bag to Mac to watch and then it's my turn to take delight as Cameron's small hand firmly clasps in mine as I lead us over to the entrance way. He prattles on about something he saw on a Disney movie as I show the ride operator our ride stamps and then help him climb into one of the blue cups.
I belt him in and we both wave to Mac who has taken a picture of us smiling at him. "Mummy looks," Cameron says, tugging my jacket sleeve and pointing to something one ride over. My eyes gently water as he uses that affectionate term so easily once again. He looks back and I can't help but offer him a warm squeeze. Oh Cameron how can I keep doing this to you? Only one day here and there? With my arms wrapped around him, Mac takes another picture and then the ride starts up. Cameron squeals in delight as the motion makes both of our stomachs flutter and soon every other sound but his infectious laughter has been drowned out by the happy four year old right beside me.
The ride only lasts a few minutes; I think anything longer and I would have thrown up, but the movements didn't seem to faze Cameron in the least. And while my legs are still a bit wobbly after the spinning, he quickly pushes himself out of the cups and runs back toward his waiting father with a large smile on his face.
"Next time you are doing the girly ride," I tell Mac as he greets me with a small laugh.
"You okay?"
"You're up next."
We slowly wander over to a small Ferris Wheel and Cameron looks at it in worry. But once again proving he has his father's stubborn determination, he takes Mac's hand and starts to once again pull him toward the ride operator. I willingly take Mac's traveling bag and pull out the camera, my turn to capture some happy memories of father and son. Mac straps them in and then looks at me, telling Cameron to look at the camera and wave. And even long after the shutter has been deployed, I know that picture will be going on my fridge as soon as it's printed. My boys, my mind echoes as I watch them laughing as the ride goes around and around. And I know that as the weeks will progress, not every weekend will be spent doing something that costs money, I'm more that ready for accepting the role of wife and step mother. The ride finally finishes and this time it's me who smiles as Cameron breaks free from Mac and hurries toward me. I offer him a hug and smile as he rambles off something exciting about the ride.
"I'm too old for that," Mac huffs with a slight smile as he takes the bag from my hand and slings it over his shoulder. Cameron tugs on Mac's jacket and starts pointing to another ride of his choosing. Mac's hand firmly grasps his but when the other one firmly gasps mine I can't help but smile and feel my heart swell. The three of us walk toward another interesting looking ride. This one is in the shape of a giant yellow octopus and it's legs have buckets on the end that go up and down as it spins around; thankfully not as fast as the last one.
Mac looks at me with a sheepish grin and I just shake my head. "I know where he gets it from."
"Who gets what?"
"Who Cameron gets his sad face from," I smile as I lean in and plant a warm kiss on his cheek. "I'd be happy to take him."
"Thank you," Mac replies warmly as he bends down to his son. "Who do you want to take on the ride?"
"Mummy!" He shouts as Mac stands up to face me.
"Mac when he calls me mummy my heart swells with happiness," I admit in truth. "It's the role I want to play."
"You have no idea how happy that makes me."
"Ready Cameron?"
"Yes," he gently mentions as I bend down to face him. I plant a kiss on his cheek and so that Mac can hear, I tell him in his ear how much I love him before I take him by the hand and we head for the next ride; once again laughing and enjoying being together as Mac takes another picture.
XXXXXXXX
I watch Cameron laughing with Stella and a small lump forms in my throat. The words she said to him were unexpected but not unwelcomed. I had some doubts this morning that she'd want to spend so much time with him but as I watch her hug him close, whisper in his ear how much she loves him and then watch his face light up in delight, I know that the time we spend together right now isn't enough. She wants this as much as I do; she's making it evident and I know what I need to do. I need to stop thinking about asking her properly and just do it.
She said she didn't mind our quiet mid week night staying at home, but my life isn't that exciting and I wonder if we don't do something every weekend, if she'll get bored and want to leave? I know she said she wouldn't but as I watch the amazing woman a few feet away, a small twinge of insecurity wants to push its way into my brain. Thankfully I push it aside before it can plant root and dwell on another idea. I quickly pull out my blackberry and text my mother, asking her to make sure the fridge is stocked and if she'd join us for dinner; all three of us. She sends back an enthusiastic reply and I can't help but smile once again.
"Daddy that was fun!" Cameron states eagerly as he and Stella rush back up to me, his hand still held firmly in hers.
"I think we need a break from the spinning," Stella mentions and I offer a weak smile in return.
"Who wants something to eat?"
"I do!" Cameron shouts. "Dibbs daddy."
"Nice try," I counter and Cameron just pouts. "Can't eat too much, we have to make room for the dinner that daddy will be making for all of us," I finish looking at Stella in uncertainty.
"Mac?" She queries.
"I know I said we go out after park outings but today was um...please?"
She gently touches my cheek and my face instantly warms. "I'd love to. Is your mother going to join us?"
"She...she doesn't have to if..."
"Mac, I would like her to eat with us."
"Are you sure?"
"I am," Stella confirms and my hand around hers tightens in happiness. With a firm nod of my head I lead the three of us over to the eating area to get a few non nutritious snacks and to sit down for a few minutes rest. I watch Cameron start to devour the small plate of fries before him, before I gently take his hand and stop his actions.
"Chew first," I huff and he looks at me with a frown.
As much as I want to discuss future details with Stella, I have already settled in my mind that on Monday I am going to go ring shopping and then swallow my pride and guilt and at least talk to Sinclair. Personally I think he'll kick me in the ass before escorting me out the building, but I'm praying for a miracle and at least a cordial visit.
Cameron finishes his fries and then starts into the small box of candied popcorn while Stella and I talk about going to any kind of fair or amusement parks as kids.
"I always liked the haunted house," Stella tells me with a smile. "You?"
"I was banned," I huff as my fingers fiddle with the empty box of popcorn.
"Banned?" She arches a brow. "Do tell."
"Went into one and wasn't prepared for the guy to jump me from behind and well...let's just say I was nearly charged with assault," I finish with a nervous chuckle. "After that there wasn't much point in going. As back then, still not a fan of the spinning rides."
"Ah so the ulterior motive to get me to come here today," Stella teases and I nod my head. "I should make you pay for that."
"Like you did this morning? I would like that."
"Are you flirting with me?" She queries.
"Is it working?" I ask softly.
"It is," she states as she squeezes my hands with her. Cameron then takes it upon himself to place his small hands on ours, forcing both of us to look at his smiling face.
"Well no more rides until the food settles," I tell Cameron and his smile fades. "But we can go to the petting zoo if you'd like."
"Yay!" Cameron shouts once more and Stella and I exchange wide smiles. We finally make our way over to the children's petting zoo and I have to hold Cameron back until it's his turn to go inside. Stella and I slowly wander around with him, listening to his happy laughter as he picks up one of the baby lambs and starts to touch its fur.
"Feels funny daddy," Cameron looks up at me and I do my best to explain why its fur is more wiry than soft. Next we make our way to some small pot bellied pigs Cameron is smitten.
"I want one mummy," Cameron states firmly as he clutches the small animal to his chest.
Stella lightly laughs as it's her turn to bend down to him and gently pry the wriggling animal out of his grasp and explain that this is his home but if he'd like a stuffie, she would buy one for him. I know that he doesn't need any more toys, especially stuffed animals, but when his face lights up, I know I'll be dishing out more than a few dollars and coming home with at least one new friend. After that it's the baby chicks and thankfully Cameron can see how delicate they are and doesn't try to maul them. Horrible visions of small massacred chicks flash before my eyes and being arrested for your child murdering innocent animals isn't something I want to attest to. We move on to the pony's and here is where I get to witness Stella and Cameron bonding once more. She takes his hand and leads him to a nearby pony. I see him flinch when the pony makes a move toward him, but Stella quickly calms his fears and my heart rate starts to slow. She picks him up and places him on the back of the pony and then holds his hand as the pony walks in the circle it's been trained to do. I quickly take out my camera and snap a few more precious memories before I walk over to join them.
"Daddy looks at me!" Cameron shouts and I look around in some embarrassment before telling him to keep his voice down. I had feared that Cameron would get mixed up with me sometimes telling him to call her Stella, me calling her Stella and him calling her either mummy or Stella. But I think I'll just leave it up to him and pray everything works out.
"Mummy looks at me!" Cameron says in a quieter tone, although not much quieter by my standards. I watch her approach him and once again take delight in the two of them laughing and bonding; my heart now at peace. I wonder what she's doing tomorrow? This time I do curse myself. Because after dinner I know I'll have to drive Stella home and wake up alone; alone as I have been for the past four years, last night the exception so far. But it's not fair to my son to have Stella stay over occasionally. Oh I know others do it and it seems perfectly acceptable, but I want something a little more stable. I guess I am more old fashioned than I might have thought.
We finally finish up with the pony's and head over to a place that has toys for kids to play with and Stella and I are happy to just sit down and rest while Cameron burns off yet more boundless energy.
"Where does he get it from?" I wonder as I watch him laughing with another boy his age.
"Wouldn't you like to just bottle that up and use it when you need it?" Stella smiles as she reaches for the camera and starts to shuffle through the pictures I have taken. "Like this one best," she states as holds up a shot that one of the animal keepers took of the three of us.
"Me too," I agree warmly, looking at her with a contented expression.
"Talked to Don this morning," Stella pipes up. "He wanted dating advice."
"Emily Chan?"
"She's on your team?" Stella queries.
"Yes and she's been persistently pursuing Don for about six months," I smirk. "I never know what to tell him..." my voice trails off as I let my eyes travel over to Cameron.
"I told him to do what he wants in his heart."
"Sounds like good advice," I mumble as I look back at her.
"Speaking of Don...did he mention coming back?"
"He would if you would. Our team isn't whole and you know it."
"What do you think Sinclair would say? I mean honestly, what do you think after all this time he'd tell me?" I urge.
"Bout damn time you came to your senses Taylor, now get your ass back in gear and get to work. Do you think I'm paying you to stand there and look lost?" Stella replies in a gruff tone and I have to chuckle. "It's your call Mac, but you know the job is still waiting for you."
"And my team now?"
"You mean the team in Jersey? Because your team is still waiting for you," Stella counters and I offer a heavy sigh. She gently wraps her hands around mine and squeezes. "You don't have to decide right now, I'm just reminding you."
"Would make living arrangements a lot easier," I mention in a low tone.
"It would."
"Plus let's face it, New Jersey will never be Manhattan."
"And you belong in Manhattan."
"That's true," I answer as Cameron comes running back up to us and forces his way onto my lap.
"But there is one more thing Mac and I have to bring it up again because Lindsay keeps bugging me."
"Dinner with the Messer's?" I raise my brows.
"Mac..."
"I have thought about it Stella andand as hard as I think it could be I would like to do it."
"Really? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," I tell Stella as I gently squeeze her hand. "I'm tired of hiding and I want Cameron to make some good friends."
"But..."
"Stella, I'm sure. I know it will be hard at first and thankfully Lucy wasn't old enough to remember...well anything. And I do'nt think Danny and Lindsay would...well hold anything against me or interrogate me or...yes tell Lindsay we'll be there."
"I love you Mac. Thank you. Thank you for doing this for me."
"For us Stella. I'm doing this for us, because I love you too," I tell her in truth and then look at Cameron. "All done sweet boy?" I ask as I tenderly nuzzle his warm neck and his face crunches into a smile before he nods in agreement.
XXXXXXXX
I know Mac still has reservations about work and I'm praying so hard that he'll want to at least pick up the phone and call Sinclair to at least inquire about his old position; one he never should have left in the first place. But I hope I have put enough of a bug in his ear about him being wanted back in his old job to at least give it serious thought.
I hear Cameron laugh at something once more and instantly pull myself from my thoughts to see Mac looking at something that Cameron has shown him and I have to smile along with them. Mac's strong arms hold his son close, his cheek pressed up against Cameron's and their love is undeniable. I at once feel a selfish anxiety at wanting Cameron to be my own flesh and blood but know that'll never be possible. Will I ever have that? Will Mac even want another child? Will I?
Mac turns to me and a warm smile embraces his handsome face but no words are said. Cameron turns back and I can tell he's now fighting to stay awake.
"He looks tired," I comment.
"He is. Should we take him home?" Mac queries and for a second I take in a sharp breath. Home. Mac had rattled off that word so naturally it almost scared me how easy it was to include me in that simple sentiment. I could only nod in response as my heart was racing so fast that that dream might actually be taken away from me by something unseen and sinister.
"Time to go home Cameron," Mac whispers to his son who's head is now fixed on his father's shoulder. Cameron tries to protest but sleep is rapidly winning the battle; his energy all but spent for now. I pack up Mac's bag and follow them out of the petting zoo area back outside into late afternoon sun.
Mac takes my hand as we walk back to the SUV and that side of my body is instantly warm. We reach the SUV and Mac carefully bundles Cameron into his car seat as I stow the rest of our things away and then wait inside.
"It's not always going to be like this you know," Mac mentions as we head back to his waiting apartment.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean today, this weekend, the outings. We don't always go out," he tells me in a soft uncertain tone, his eyes fixed firmly ahead. "I try to take him out on Saturday's and yes do go for dinner but...well I guess what I'm trying to say is..." Mac's voice trails off as I lean over and kiss his cheek and he looks at me with a frown. "I just want you to be happy and not bored or something."
"Then stop trying so hard," I tell him with a kind smile. "Mac, I love you and I love your son. I want to be with you both of you, I don't care what we are doing, even it was to sit at home and read or play cards or..."
"Twister?" He smirks.
"Definitely wouldnt be bored then."
"Stella?"
"Mac, most families have a regular routine just like we will. We'll go to work, come home, spend time with our son and your mother whenever she wants and then spend time together like we want. We don't always have to go out and spend money."
"Just not used to all this."
"Trust me Mac, neither am I. You at least have a few years parental experience; I have none," I tell him lightly and he takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. "I want the regular everyday things, I think it's long overdue for both of us. Shopping and cooking and trips to the park. Staying inside and watching movies or playing with Cameron or...or whatever. Just as long as we do it together. I know there will be bumps along the way, but as long as we are both done running we can make this work. I want it to work. Don't you?"
"I really want that," Mac admits firmly. "You sure we can't get married tomorrow?" He asks and my face warms. "Let's go."
I really want to scold Mac and tell him to stop worrying about everything being perfect. I know there will be challenges, especially as Cameron gets older or if we do decide to expand our family; more questions will be asked. But Mac has to understand that just because a bump in the road comes along, that I am not going to bail. The conversation thankfully switches to something neutral and by the time we have arrived at Mac's apartment, I believe his insecurity about my future happiness has finally subsided.
"Welcome back," Millie greets us as we slowly walk off the elevator, her grandson asleep on his father's strong shoulder.
"Are you going to join us for dinner?" I ask the older woman before me.
"Do you want that?" She asks me directly.
"I do," I smile and she nods her head.
"Then I would love to. I'll give you two time to settle in and get started and then call me when..."
"Just come back in a few hours?" I ask with some hesitancy.
"Sounds perfect," Millie agrees as she turns to leave.
Mac looks at me with a slight frown and I gently touch his face as he opens the door. I take off my coat and drop the two bags by the door as Mac carries Cameron into his room and puts him to sleep in his bed before coming back to me with a warm smile on his face.
"We have a few hours before dinner," Mac mentions as he pulls me into his strong grasp.
"Don't know about you Mac, but this seems like the perfect way to spend a Saturday to me."
A/N: Okay so had to end on a sappy note...hehe. I think you can see the direction this story is going and hope that's okay. Please review before you leave.
