(A/N): Welcome back to our Tuesday update! This time, let's check in with our resident brainwashed Hawkeye...
Thanks as always to our writers who reviewed. Thanks also to Slim Summers2002 for continuing to rock our reviews section and the Practically an Avenger for a pretty darn amazing review blitz! Gotta admit: we laughed at the fact that we "suck in all the right ways." We must be doing something right!
Chapter Eleven - Compliance Leads to Confusion
District Twelve SHIELD Base
Kate Bishop, formerly of District Twelve
Written by robbiepoo2341
"It's all fun and games until somebody loses their mind." -Taylor Swift, "Wonderland"
Kate hated the room that Logan had put her in. She hated Logan. She hated SHIELD.
The room was too bright, too clean, too impersonal. They wouldn't give her anything to play with — no weapons, no bow, nothing. They claimed it was for her safety, but Kate knew the truth. They knew that she was dangerous. They knew that if she could only get the slightest chance, she'd have Logan at her mercy. She'd finally get to do what she had been dreaming of for so long…
But why?
Ever since America had asked her that, Kate couldn't stop thinking about it. Why did she want Logan dead so badly? She had been focused for so long on the hatred, on the need to kill him, that the reason… the reason escaped her.
If she believed Clint — and she wanted to, though she couldn't remember why — then whatever had happened between Logan and Kurt… they hadn't been in their right minds. Not that she could quite wrap her head around why that made things better when she couldn't remember what had happened. She hadn't even remembered Kurt's name until she saw him with Logan.
And seeing Clint again also had her straining to remember more. Seeing America again… these were her friends, and she hated that she couldn't wrap her head around more than that simple fact: that they were friends. That she trusted them.
It had never mattered before that she didn't remember much from her life prior to Hydra. She had thought about it sometimes, sure, but… it had always been secondary to her goal of making herself into the best weapon Hydra could use. Her past hadn't mattered... until it suddenly did.
Her head hurt when she tried too hard to remember, though. She could remember bits and pieces sometimes, but only when she wasn't trying. Like the fact that Clint had balled up his jacket for her to sleep on. Or that Kurt had taught her how best to hold a sword. But, frustratingly, none of that came to her when she reached for it. She almost had to be unfocused, even dreaming, before she could seize those precious pieces now that she actually wanted them.
And then there were times that she didn't want them. She wanted to forget. She wanted to go back to the way things were, when Hydra would tell her what to do, when she had a clear idea of who she was and what she was and she wasn't locked in a room feeling very much like an insect under glass.
She had a handler here, too, and she didn't like that. Charles Xavier said that he was there to help her, but to Kate's estimation, he was only there to turn her against Hydra, and that was the one constant she had left to her. She knew, beyond everything else that had happened, that she belonged to Hydra. Everything else would work itself out if she could just find her way back to them. She was their weapon. She was Hydra's. She needed to be part of Hydra again.
Kate let out a sort of frustrated sound as she kneaded her knuckles into her forehead. This was too confusing. This hurt. She didn't want to be there. She wanted her friends back. She wanted Sin and Natasha. She wanted Kurt and Clint and America.
She really didn't know what she wanted. She just didn't want to be here.
"Headaches again?" asked a familiar voice at the doorway.
Kate glanced up to see Charles Xavier there with the same sort of smile that she supposed was supposed to look warm but really came across as more sympathetic — and she didn't want his pity. She would have been just fine if Logan hadn't shown up. Viper wouldn't be after her friends… she wouldn't be in this room… she would be with Hydra, where she belonged….
"Kate," Charles said gently to get her attention again. He had started out calling her Katherine, but he'd stopped doing that. He was checking in on her multiple times a day, it seemed, but it was just that first time they'd met that he'd used her full name.
She wondered if he was trying to differentiate himself from her other handler. Kilgrave had always used her full name. But she wasn't sure how Charles would know that. She didn't think she had told him anything, and even her body language, she thought, hadn't been too obvious. She had only tensed for a second when she heard it, waiting for orders or for another dressing down or for….
Well, Charles hadn't asked anything of her just yet. But she was sure that was coming once they broke her defenses, the ones Hydra had helped her build…
"Yes," she said when she realized Charles was going to wait her out and make her talk to him. She hated the long silences, and he must have realized that, because he seemed to be adept at using them. "Yeah, another headache."
"And what is it that you were trying to remember this time?" Charles asked gently.
Kate frowned and glanced up. Charles hadn't shifted his expression from the warm, pitying one that she hated, but he had moved so that he was sitting almost directly across from her, patiently waiting for her answer.
She frowned and looked away again. She didn't like working with Charles. There were times when she felt like he knew too much, like he could see right through her, all the way down to her shoes. It was like sitting in a room with Whitehall; she felt exposed and vulnerable.
"Everything," she said at last, unable to sit in silence any longer.
Charles nodded, leaning forward and resting his chin on the hands he had clasped in front of him. "My theory," he said softly, "is that your handlers used the trauma of the Games to erase your identity — as much as possible."
"That's not true," Kate said, almost automatically.
"It is," Charles said calmly. He was always so infuriatingly calm, as if Kate were simply an interesting project to him. She wished that he would drop the act and just come out with whatever it was he wanted from her so that she could leave.
"It's not," Kate said, stubbornly, and looked down at her hands.
Charles gave her another patient smile but didn't move. "Kate," he said, "I don't believe that you're so far gone that you don't understand that Hydra has been twisting you this whole time. You're far too bright not to see it."
Kate blinked at him. She absolutely hadn't been expecting this particular kind of argument, and she didn't know what to say to counter it. Especially when there was enough truth to it that it was hard to find the words to explain why he didn't understand the whole picture.
Yes, Hydra had molded her into a weapon, but didn't he understand that she needed to be molded, that she couldn't reach her full potential without their help? Didn't he understand how badly she needed to be part of a whole, how much she wanted to prove her worth?
She belonged to Hydra. Here, in SHIELD, she was a prisoner.
When Kate didn't say anything, Charles continued, "Hydra was experimenting on young children to see if they could manipulate the same system that brought you back to life to essentially get a blank slate — a mind unburdened by attachments or previous loyalties."
Kate sat up straighter, any argument she might have offered caught in her throat as she whispered, "What?"
"I don't believe that to be the case for you, Kate," Charles assured her.
"Then why bring it up?" Kate asked.
"Because I want you to understand the lengths that Hydra was willing to go to in order to force innocent children to work for them," Charles explained.
"What does that have to do with me?" Kate demanded, though the flush to her cheeks plainly gave away that she already suspected what he would say.
"Kate, you are only sixteen," Charles said.
"I'm not a child," Kate said, bristling at the insinuation as she drew herself up. At least Hydra didn't treat her like a kid. They saw her potential. They made her a weapon, an assassin. "I'm not!"
Kate had her eyes closed as she lay on her side, almost holding her breath. Kilgrave was next to her, a pleased smile on that she couldn't look at anymore.
She wanted to show Hydra that she was theirs, that she was good, that she would do anything for Hydra. She did. She was desperate to do so. But…
"You've come so far, Katherine," Kilgrave said over her shoulder, and her eyes popped open at the contact as her throat constricted. He had his hand in her hair and brushed it away from her face, though he didn't let go, and Kate turned to face him at the tug of her hair. "You're not the little girl that came to Hydra, broken and lost after those Games."
Kate nodded, her breath still caught in her chest as he ran his hand down her face. "Hydra made me better than that," she agreed.
"I made you better than that," Kilgrave said, taking her chin in his hand so that she couldn't look anywhere but him. "Don't forget that. I made you the woman you are."
She nodded again. "Yes," she breathed out. "I know. I belong to you."
Kilgrave smiled, altogether too pleased as he shifted to whisper in her ear, his cheek against hers. "Good girl."
"Kate." Charles' voice rang with concern, and it was only then that Kate realized she had moved away from Charles, no longer sitting on her bed but standing on the other end of the room, her back nearly against the wall. She didn't even remember moving, but she couldn't quite catch a breath right.
"I…" She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, I…"
"There's nothing to apologize for, Kate," Charles assured her. "Please, sit down. I'm concerned about you."
"I'm fine," she said. She didn't want SHIELD to think she was weak. She was a weapon; she wasn't weak.
"That's patently untrue, I'm afraid, but it's not your fault," Charles told her. "I've tried to tell you: I just want to help you become 'fine' again."
"No," she said, shaking her head. She didn't want to need help, because she didn't want to go back. Whitehall was dead, but that chair was still there, and she didn't want — she couldn't take it if SHIELD did that too.
"Kate…"
"I'm fine." She pushed aside the rising tears and tried to give her voice as much conviction as she could. If he didn't think he could break her, if he didn't think she was weak… "I'm not a child."
Charles paused, his patient look giving way to a deep frown for an instant. She thought she could see anger behind his gaze, even though he tried not to let it show for too long.
She almost wanted to shout a triumphant 'ha!' when she saw that anger. She knew he wasn't as nice as he seemed. She knew that he wanted something out of her. He wasn't some kindly man in a wheelchair; he was trying to manipulate her. And she'd finally gotten under his charade.
So he surprised her, then, when he said, simply, "I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I should have chosen my words more carefully," Charles said, his gentle tone back from earlier. "I didn't mean to imply that you were anything less than you are. I know that you've worked hard to be good at what you do. Natasha and Sinthea both speak highly of you."
Kate was caught off her guard, not sure what this new play was. "Yeah, well… they're my team," she said. She didn't want to say they were her friends, because it had been her experience that handlers and friends didn't mix well. And she didn't want Charles to think that he had any leverage, either.
"I know that Sinthea refers to you as sisters," Charles said, gesturing for her to take a seat, and Kate did so, the tight feeling in her chest starting to let up with something more fun to talk about.
"We take care of each other," Kate said with a nod.
"So I've heard," Charles agreed. He smiled Kate's way. "I don't want to undo that friendship, Kate. I think it's a sign of your strength that you are still able to make those connections. I know that Hydra discourages them."
"Like SHIELD is any different," Kate bit out.
"Kate, I think you'll find if you were to listen to a recording of all our conversations that I have not once tried to entice you to join SHIELD," Charles said in an almost tired tone. "I am not trying to compare the two organizations or extol the virtues of one over the other. My only goal here is to see what methods you were subjected to while in Hydra's power — and to reverse those methods as much as possible to give you your freedom."
Kate bit her lip, shaking her head almost unconsciously. "I belong to Hydra," she said. It was the right answer; it was always the right answer.
"You don't belong to anyone, Kate," Charles said. "You are a sixteen-year-old girl, not some piece of property to be traded away."
Kate raised her eyebrows at the honest anger that she could hear in his tone, but then she switched to a more satisfied, smug smile. "It really gets to you, doesn't it? That I'm so young?" She tipped her chin up. "You can't stand that someone like me could have taken down Fury."
Charles shook his head at that. "That's not what bothers me, Kate," he said. "I admit, the fact that you are only sixteen is part of my frustration — but not with you." He let his shoulders drop as he tried to look more open. "I don't believe that those who would stoop to torturing young people deserve my courtesy."
"Then why are you with SHIELD?" Kate demanded. "They're the ones that sent us into the Games. They're the ones that killed — that killed—" She closed her eyes as a familiar screaming filled her memories. "They killed him. I had to listen to it, and I can't get it out of my head."
But that only had Charles leaning forward and looking more interested. "You remember it, don't you?" he asked in almost a whisper. "You remember the Games."
"Sometimes," she admitted. She had her head in her hands, the heels of her hands pressed into her forehead to try to relieve the headache that always came when she tried to remember anything. She rubbed her hands in small circles as she took deep breaths. "I don't remember all of it."
"It will come," Charles said.
"And what if it doesn't?" Kate asked without looking up. "What about… you said something about blank slates…"
"As I understand it, Whitehall's methods relied on making use of traumatic memories, not on their erasure," Charles said. "And your team was under Whitehall's command, wasn't it?"
Kate nodded. "He's dead now," she muttered.
"And I would like to make sure he doesn't have a more lasting impact on anymore innocent people," Charles said. "As I've tried to explain to you before, I am on your side, Kate."
Kate rubbed her hands in circles on her forehead until the taste of bitter adrenaline faded from her mouth, and she finally looked back up at Charles, who was still patiently waiting in his chair. "Tell me something," she said slowly, "and tell the truth."
"I will never lie to you, Kate," Charles promised.
Kate watched him for a long time, looking for any signs of a lie, but when she couldn't find any, she nodded slowly. "If — if — I trust you," she said slowly, "will you tell me more about Kurt?"
Charles looked surprised, one eyebrow raised. "I can certainly do that," he said. "But now I'd like to ask you: why is that your condition?"
"It's not unusual, is it?" Kate said. "All I can remember is how much it hurt to lose him. And when I saw him, I knew his name…" She trailed off, suddenly flushing. "Those are my terms. Take them or leave them."
"What is it you want to ask me, Kate?" Charles asked.
Kate weighed her answer out for a long time, running her thumb over the back of her knuckles. She didn't have her bow with her, but she wanted to run her hands over it. A calming gesture.
She knew she was taking a risk. She knew that if she had told Kilgrave even this much, Kurt would be in trouble, moved somewhere to the other side of Marvel where she could never find him again. She wasn't supposed to make connections that superseded her loyalty to Hydra; and if SHIELD was the same way, then this… this could make everything worse.
But all she had at the moment was a headache and a desperate desire for the world to make sense again. Hydra wasn't there to give her direction, so until they did arrive, at least she could try to figure out why.
That question was still bothering her. Why did she hate Logan? Why couldn't she remember her friends? What had happened to her?
When she thought about it, it only made her head hurt more. But this? This was important enough to try.
"Is he here?" Kate asked, raising her gaze to meet Charles'. He had been sitting there, patient as ever, this whole time, and it was the first time Kate was grateful for that.
Charles considered her, and she could see the gears in his head turning. She knew that he was weighing it out: he had just promised not to lie to her, but she was asking about secrets, about SHIELD's program, about personnel on the base. She could see all the tactical reasons he had not to give her what she wanted, and she wouldn't blame him if he didn't answer.
Well, she would blame him. But she would understand it. She could understand how SHIELD and Hydra worked, the calculations that they made with their assets….
"Yes," Charles said at last, gently. "And I don't mind telling you that he would love to see you again."
Kate tried not to let her relief show, tried to keep things tactical, but it was clear to anyone watching that she had been hoping to hear that. "But you can't let that happen," she said after a moment, almost resigned.
"I'm afraid not."
"Because I belong to Hydra, and he belongs to SHIELD."
Charles shook his head. "Kate, neither of those statements is accurate."
Kate closed her eyes and shook her head. "I won't hurt him," she breathed out. "I swear."
"And if you were in your right mind, I would believe you," Charles said, his pitying tone returning.
Kate squeezed her eyes shut a little tighter. "Get out."
"Kate—"
"Get out!" she shouted, on her feet in an instant — which, of course, had the guards outside the cell rushing in to protect their precious victor. Even though Charles held out his hand to tell them to stand down, they were still watching Kate, weapons down but ready to tranquilize her if need be — as she knew already from the first session with Charles. Which had gone poorly.
"Kate, listen to me—"
"You're just like them!" she screeched at him, her hands in fists — and the guards moved so that they were blocking Charles. "You're just like Hydra! I hate them — and I hate you!" She burst forward, slightly faster than the guards could react, and knocked the feet out from underneath the closer guard. He went down fast, but his partner managed to get his gun in between himself and Kate just in time.
At the same time Kate pounced, he pulled the trigger, and while she still managed to knock the guard out cold, she felt the strength leaving her limbs fast as her vision started to blur.
"I'm so sorry, Kate," Charles said as thing started to go fuzzy.
"No you're not," she mumbled, though she wasn't sure he caught it for as hard as it was to form the words before the world blanked out.
