I realised I've never used disclaimers on this story before. This particular chapter is full of moments from the series, adapted a bit to make it fit to my storyline, so I should really do it now. All rights belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino. I'm simply using her genius masterpiece to entertain and to, hopefully, keep the Gilmore Girls alive.
As the title of this chapter suggests, it's a pretty dark chapter. The next ones won't be as bad. I hope you like it anyhow. It's a long one.
Chapter 11: Bad memories
"Luke… He's just here to visit his daughter. That's all," I say exasperated.
Luke shakes his head. "He's here for more. He's planning something."
"Planning something?" I chuckle.
"Come on, Lorelai," Luke says with a sigh, "Where was the guy the past year? Not here visiting his daughter, that's for sure. And now that we're engaged, he suddenly shows up… That's no coincidence."
I fold my arms over my chest, "And how do you think he found out about our engagement then?"
"Uh, your parents of course!" Luke says, throwing his arms to the side, "You know they don't like me. You know they'd do anything to stop you from marrying me."
"That's not true," I say in a small voice.
"It is true!" Luke shouts, "And you're blind if you don't see it."
"Luke—" I say weakly.
"And you're just playing along, inviting him to sleep on the couch!"
"Luke! He's here to see Rory! He's her father! He should be there for her!" I try to reason with him.
"You're right, he should be!" Luke yells back, "But he shouldn't use his daughter as an excuse to get back with her mother! He shouldn't have an ulterior motive to come here!"
Luke walks towards the door. "Luke!" I call after him.
"I gotta go to work," he grumbles.
"Luke…" I try again, this time weaker.
In the doorpost he turns back to me with pleading eyes. "Just be careful, okay?" he asks, before he walks out of the house.
I walk into the diner, not seeing Luke. I look around me and see Abby coloring with a messy dark-haired girl with glasses that looks to be around twelve years old. I walk towards them.
"Mommy, look!" Abby says proudly, holding up her drawing as she notices me approaching.
"Very pretty," I tell Abby, before I brush my hand over her hair and press a kiss to it. "Hi," I tell the girl.
"Hello there," she replies in a sweet voice.
"What are… What are you doing?" I ask casually.
"Coloring," she says with a chuckle.
"Yeah, I see," I reply.
"I'm more helping Abby than coloring myself. I'm a bit old for coloring, you see," she tells me. Abby nods excitedly, before grabbing a red marker and adding some lines to her drawing.
I chuckle a bit. " So, who do you belong to?" I ask, "Caesar?"
"Who?" the girl replies with a confused look.
"You're not Caesar's?"
"Not according to the lab results," she says.
I give her an impressed look. "So how did you get this babysitting job?"
"My father owns the place. The diner, at least. Not sure about the land."
"Your father?" I ask as if I didn't hear her correctly.
"My biological father. Not really sure what to call him it's kind of new," she continues rambling, "This is my sister. Half sister, really. I just met her…"
I notice Luke walking in from the kitchen and I look at him, my eyebrows knit together, and my mouth half open. He looks very uncomfortable, letting out a breath, and looking apologetically back at me. I look away from him as his daughter rambles on, the words not quite reaching me. I raise my eyebrows and tell myself over and over again not to cry.
Luke rubs his hands and takes a step closer to me. "I thought you couldn't get away." His words make April stop talking as she looks between us.
"I got away," I say, feeling the wetness in my eyes.
"Uh, you wanna…" he points to the door, "go outside and uh…?"
"Uh huh," I say, as I march out of the diner.
I hear Luke saying, "April, I'll be right back, okay?" before he follows me. He closes the door behind him and I hear his sigh.
I'm standing still just before the steps that lead to the diner, my arms wrapped protectively over my chest and staring silently ahead of me. Luke comes to stand closely next to me, facing me. "So she's—" I start, facing him as well. He has his arms folded as well, and he mostly looks down at the floor.
"Yeah," he says quickly.
"Wow," I reply, trying hard to keep a straight face.
"I know," Luke says, drawing his lips together in a thin line.
"That's—"
"My daughter," he finishes for me.
"I don't believe it," I say, looking confusedly at him.
"I still have trouble believing it," Luke quickly glances into my eyes before he casts them down again.
There's a short pause. "You have another—" I break the silence.
"Yeah," he says quickly.
"Right," I say sadly. "And what is she, twelve?" I ask softly.
"Yeah, twelve," Luke confirms quickly, nodding his head, as if he was afraid I thought he cheated on me somewhere in the beginning of our relationship.
"Twelve years. Twelve years!" I say, shaking my head. "This is for sure?" I try.
"It's for sure," Luke says with another sigh.
"When did you find out?" I ask.
"I just found out," he says, with another nod of his head.
"Just?" I ask accusingly, "When just? She's in there drawing with Abby. It doesn't feel that new to me!"
"Two months ago," Luke confesses.
"Two months?! That's a hell of a long time to go without telling me!" My shocked voice raises an octave.
"I know. I should've told you." He sounds like he really means it.
I look back into the diner, watching the young girl for a short second. "She's cute," I say, before looking away from both Luke and April.
"Lorelai, I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Luke finally unfolds his arms, ready to explain, "I'm… I'm sorry. I-i-it's all just a blur of stuff happening. I mean, she just came into the diner two months ago, no warning, talking about a science fair and how I may be her father, and she pulled my hair out," he points towards the hair under his baseball cap, "and DNA-tested it, and… then I wanted to forget the whole thing, but I went to the fair and found out the truth. And we were at the park, and she wanted to come here. And I called you today, wanting a moment to talk about it, but you were busy, and… so I put it off, again. And here we are."
"Here we are," I repeat shrugging my shoulders.
"It's stupid. I'm stupid."
"Look… I need to digest this and you have to get back inside. So, uh, I'm just gonna go someplace where I can digest this and we will just talk more later, okay?"
"Sure. Whenever you want," Luke agrees quickly.
"Okay."
"I'm sorry," he finishes, looking sadly at me. I nod sadly back at him, wrap my coat tighter around me and fold my arms in front of my chest to keep my coat closed. I turn around, not saying anything else, and walk away, not looking back at him.
Luke comes into the house with Abby.
"Hi Daddy!" I hear Elly say from the couch where she's watching cartoons.
"Hey," he says, kissing the top of her head.
My five year old comes sprinting into the kitchen where I'm sitting. "Careful, Abby," I tell her with a laugh, before I hug her.
I notice Luke standing in the doorway, watching us. "Why don't you go watch some television with your sister, huh?" I ask Abby, who nods excitedly and skips back into the living room.
As Abby leaves, Luke walks into the room and sits across from me. "Wanna talk some more?" he asks carefully.
I nod at him. "So… You have another kid," I say, playing with my coffee mug.
"Yeah…" Luke says trailing off.
"I just… I don't understand how you can keep something so important from me for so long," my voice clearly states my disappointment in him.
Luke swallows. "I was confused," he says weakly.
"I'm just…" I trail off, trying to find the correct words. I take a deep breath and finally look at him. "What does this say about our marriage? You waited two months to tell me."
"Lorelai…"
"Don't you trust me, Luke?"
"Of course I do!" Luke says, his voice raising. "Of course I do," he repeats softer, not wanting to draw attention from Elly and Abby.
How can you really know somebody? I ask myself. I nod sadly. "I just wished you would have told me sooner."
"I know. And I've got to apologize again," he says, "I should've told you immediately. I was just so confused. It's no excuse, but that's the excuse."
I sigh. "I know. I get it. Nothing can prepare you for this one," I say with a fatigued chuckle.
"Yeah," Luke agrees quietly. "I just didn't know how to tell you. I'm bad with things," he concludes.
I smile at him. "Listen, it's weird, you know, but we can make it work. I mean, she's there. April is… there. Luckily you're with a woman who has three daughters; who's already raised a teenager, and knows some of the ins and outs. I can help."
"I know you can. I guess it's just… Ah," he says a bit agitated, "it's just all so much right now. I've been dizzy for weeks.
"I felt like something was up," I admit.
"I completely freaked out when I found out," he tells me.
"I don't blame you. I'm still a bit freaking out myself."
Luke lets out a short chuckle, "Me too." He pauses shortly. "I really couldn't ignore it; that I have another daughter, I mean. I arranged with April's mom that I get to see her on a regular basis. I'm gonna try to be a father to her."
"I applaud that, Mr. Responsibility," I say with a laugh, rubbing his arm soothingly.
"It's not as easy as with Elly and Abby though," he continues sadly.
"Of course. You've known them their whole lives. You barely know anything about April."
Luke nods. "I wish she would have told me," he confesses.
"April's mother?" I ask.
He nods again. "How do you keep something like that?"
I raise my eyebrows, looking intently at him. He sighs. "Twelve years is completely different to two months!" he defends himself.
"You're right," I say, still hurt that he didn't trust me enough to tell me right away, but having another question to suppress those feelings for now. "So, who's her mother?"
"Her name is Anna Nardini," Luke tells me awkwardly. "We dated for a little under a year. She was here when I opened the diner, actually."
"Who broke it off?" I wonder.
"I did. It wasn't gonna work between us."
I look down at my coffee again, trying to digest all the information. "I would like to officially meet April," I tell him, deciding it's better to be supportive than angry.
"You will," he says," eventually."
"Eventually?" I ask confused, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm just not ready for you to meet her yet."
"Luke," I say indignantly, "I'm your wife!"
"I know that, Lorelai, but thanks for the heads up," he says with a roll of his eyes.
"I'm just saying, let me be a part of it."
"No," Luke says with a definite undertone.
I scoff, "Why?"
"Because it's too soon."
"Why is it too soon?" I ask still confused.
"Because the minute you get involved in her life, it will be all over for me," he explains.
I stare at him open mouthed for a few seconds. "What?! That's ridiculous," I say, getting angry.
"No, it's not ridiculous. You're colorful and funny. You're practically a cartoon character. Kids love you. I wouldn't hang out with me either after meeting you."
"Luke!"
"She'll like you better. That is just a fact."
"That's not true. Elly and Abby don't like me better than you," I introduce as an argument.
"That's different," Luke says with a sigh.
"How?" I ask.
"I've been there since they were born," he continues.
"And you're April's dad," I shot back, "I'm only her stepmother. She already has a mother."
"Yes," Luke says in a tone that suggests this discussion is over, "Yes, I'm her dad, and this is the way I want it to be."
I am hurt, and angry, and confused as I stand up. "Okay," I say in a small voice, before walking out of the kitchen, "I'm gonna take a bath."
"We need to talk," I say as I walk into our bedroom.
"Uh oh," Luke says with a laugh, but there's nothing funny about the subject I want to discuss. When he sees I'm serious, he swallows his laughter and asks, "What is it?"
"Are we still gonna do it?" I ask.
"Do what?" Luke asks confused.
"Try for another baby," I say with a roll of my eyes.
"Oh," Luke says, scratching the top of his head, "Eh—"
"Because I've been off the pill for several months now and I'm ovulating."
I see Luke's Adam's apple bob as he swallows hard. "I don't know… It's all happening so fast."
"I'm ready to try, Luke," I say with determination.
"Lorelai…"
"You asked me to have another baby with you, Luke. You asked me."
"I know I did, but—"
"But you already got what you wanted, only with another woman. Yeah, got it."
"Hey!" Luke says defiantly, "That's not fair. It's not like I knocked someone else up. This happened twelve years ago, two years before I even met you! I didn't ask for this! Not for this."
I take a deep breath, knowing that he's right; I can't hold it against him. "You could have at least told me," I say softly, my eyes cast down, because I don't want him to see the tears that are gathering there.
Luke sighs and his voice gets softer as well, "I know… I know I should have told you the day I found out, but—"
"I'm not talking about that," I cut him off, "You should have told me you don't want another baby with me after all." A tear finally rolls down my cheek and I turn around to walk towards the bathroom, but Luke grabs my arm. I stop, but I don't turn back to face him.
"I didn't say I never want another baby with you," Luke says through clenched teeth, "Just not right now. There's so much to digest."
I pull my arm free and look at him, my vision blurry from my tears. "And I won't be fertile forever. I'm already thirty-seven!" I walk towards the bathroom and slam the door, hearing Luke call my name behind me, but ignoring it.
I walk into the crowded diner and Luke immediately walks towards me when he sees me, abandoning the customer he was talking to.
"Hey, I need to talk to you" I tell him.
"Where have you been?" he asks a bit upset.
"It doesn't matter," I brush it off.
"What are you talking about 'it doesn't matter'? I've been looking everywhere for you. I tried your cell. I went by the inn. Patty was at our house." I grab his hand as he speaks and smile a little at the effort he put into finding me.
"Let's get out of here."
"What?" Luke asks stunned.
"Come on, Luke. Grab your keys. Let's go," I insist almost begging, holding on to his arm.
"Go now?" Luke asks.
"You said you would like that, just you and me. Didn't you say you would like that?" I am loud, desperate, but I don't care about the eyes I draw towards us.
"Yes, I did. But, I'm just…"
"Come on, then! Let's go. We can drive to Maryland. What the hell, right? I mean you have to see Maryland eventually. We can drive there, talk this entire thing through, and then come back here. We can get April's stuff from the apartment and move her in."
"Okay, hold on," Luke says, trying to stop me, while trying to progress everything I'm saying.
"I mean, we have the plan already, right?" Luke nods panicky, letting out a sigh. "We just have to put the plan in motion," I continue babbling.
Luke bends forward a little so his eyes are level with mine, and he squeezes my arms a little. "Let's calm down. We don't have to figure all this out now, do we?"
"Yes, we do, because we've been waiting and waiting and putting it off, and I don't want to put it off anymore." I'm on the verge of tears now.
"Yeah, but, right now?" Luke asks for clarification.
"Yes. Now is the right time. It's the best time, because it's now!" My voice grows louder out of desperation.
"Come on," Luke says, quickly getting me out of the diner, away from nosy customers.
"Your car or mine?" I try.
"Lorelai, let's just talk this through," Luke says a little bit angry now.
"No, I don't wanna talk. All we've done for months is talk. I want to do. I want to go," I complain as I walk past the diner, Luke next to me.
"We can't just take off like that," Luke says rationally.
"Why not, Luke?" I say loudly, facing him again as we stand on the side of the street, "Don't you love me?!"
"You know I do," Luke replies, starting to sound just as desperate.
"But I love you, Luke, I love you! But I have waited, and I have stayed away, and I have let you run this thing, and no more! We are married, Luke. Doesn't that mean anything to you?!" My voice jumps to an even higher octave.
"Yeah, I'm just trying to think here," Luke says softly, scratching at his forehead.
"We fixed up the house right? The guest room is now April's. All she has to do is decorate it, and she can actually spend time at the house. But now it's just an empty room, without purpose."
"I don't care about the stupid room," Luke says tiredly, sighing deeply.
"Do you care about me?"
"Yes!" Luke says clearly.
"Because I'm going crazy here!" I continue, "I made a commitment to you, but you're not there anymore. We need this, Luke. We need to get away. We need it for our marriage. We need to make it happen!"
"It will, it will happen, okay? I just have April to consider."
"But, once we get away from this town, we can work on everything; our marriage, April, planning to expand our family." I finally bring up the real reason I am done waiting, apart from my own unhappiness, that is.
"Expand our family?" Luke repeats confusedly.
"Have another baby," I say for clarification.
"We already discussed this!" Luke says annoyed.
"We postponed it," I shot back, "I'm done postponing."
"I'm still dealing with the same issue here!" Luke says angrily.
"I know, I'm sor—" I start to defend myself. "God! No, I'm not gonna defend myself! For months now, I've been skulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion, like I'm Clarence Thomas or something, and I-I… I'm done with that. I-I've been waiting for a long time, and I don't want to wait anymore."
"I have to think this through!" Luke yells
"No!" I shout.
"I have April!" Luke fires back.
"You're gonna have to figure out how April fits into our lives, not the other way around."
"I'm trying," Luke says in a reasonable voice.
"Figure it out in Maryland!"
"Just wait!" Luke yells back, like I haven't been waiting enough already.
"No! I'm not waiting! It's now or never!" I am really shouting now.
"I don't like ultimatums!"
"I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually."
"I can't just jump like this."
"Well, I'm sorry to hear that." There is a pause as I take a deep breath and I'm finally letting my tears go. I work my hand through my hair and say, "And I have to go."
Luke doesn't say anything and I turn away from him. I fold my black cardigan closely over my chest, protecting myself against the cold wind as I walk slowly away from the diner, hoping that Luke will follow me, that he will stop me, turn me around and tell me I was right. I'm waiting for him, longer than I should, but he doesn't come after me. He lets me go, just like that. I take a deep breath and increase my pace, walking quickly towards my home, where my car is waiting to take me away from Stars Hollow. And just like that, I am finally done waiting.
"Where the hell have you been all night?!" Luke asks angrily, standing up from the couch the moment I walk into the living room.
I sigh loudly. I hoped he would be at the diner by now. I'm not ready to be confronted by the husband I just cheated on. "It doesn't matter," I mumble, not looking at him as I attempt to walk towards the kitchen.
"It doesn't matter?" Luke asks incredulously, "I had two frantic little girls here asking why their mother hadn't come home and all you have to say is 'it doesn't matter'?!"
I turn towards him, looking down at my shoes shamefully. "I'm sorry. What did you tell them?" I ask, too tired to yell back at him.
"That you had a sleepover at Sookie's house."
"Good. That's good," I mumble distractedly, my mind going back to where I really was.
"Which I really hope is the truth," he continues.
"Uh huh."
"So, is it?" Luke keeps pushing me.
"Is it what?" I ask confusedly, finally looking up at him.
"Is it the truth, Lorelai?! Were you at Sookie's?!" he yells, loosing his patience.
"N-no," I say in a whisper.
I see a flash of hurt cross his eyes and I quickly turn away from him, my guilt not able to handle that look. "You drove to Yale, right? You went to see Rory?" Luke continues interrogating.
As I look everywhere, but at Luke, I notice some bags and suitcases in the corner of the room. "What is that?" I ask curiously, happy to change the topic.
I look at him again and his face turns a bit red. "It's uh… stuff we might need in… wherever you wanna go."
My mouth opens from shock and he looks uncomfortable. I close my mouth and swallow hard, trying to keep my tears inside. "Luke—"
"Look, I've got a tank full of gas and Maryland is only two hundred miles away. I've made us some reservations at a couple of Bed-and-Breakfasts. I mean, if you don't want to do the Maryland thing, we don't have to. I heard you say 'Maryland' last night. I don't know whether you were serious. I'm just trying to cover my bases here," he starts ranting.
"Luke—," I try to cut him off, but he's not done yet.
"I also packed some camping equipment so we can head to Vermont or Maine and, you know, check into a cabin for a week. But maybe that's a little too rustic for your taste. Or we could drive to Atlantic City or even Las Vegas if you want to make a real road trip out of it."
"Luke, stop—"
"I made arrangements for the girls. They can stay at either Sookie's or Liz'; take your pick. Yeah, Liz may not be the best option with TJ there, but they would survive. And they all love to help."
"Just stop," I try again.
"But, no, no. You were right. I need to be faster, I need to move faster, I need to think faster. And, well, I'm ready," he concludes, holding his arms out.
I am unable to look at him as he speaks, as he tells me exactly what I've been wanting to hear all these months. As he finally stops his monologue, I can barely get the words out of my mouth, but I have to say it. "It's over," I say remorsefully.
"No, you can't say that," he stutters, "Y-You can't say that it's over. It's not over. You can't just decide that it's over. I'm in this too. You know I'm not gonna let it be over. You said, 'be ready now or never'; I'm ready now."
"Luke—"
"Let's go. Let's do this. Let's start the next phase of our lives. Right now. Let's go."
"Luke, I wasn't at Yale—," I say in a small voice.
"Let's make another baby."
"—I slept with Christopher," I finally spit out, looking down at my feet again. Luke stands there, digesting. Only when I see him move away from me, I look up at him. He walks towards the front door and slams it loudly.
I finally let my tears go. I walk towards the couch and drop down, sobbing loudly into my knees. I could have had it all. Right now, I could have had it all. If I had just gone home, or to Sookie or Rory, I would have gotten home to a Luke that was ready to leave town, ready to have another baby, ready for everything I wanted. But now, the guilt was too much. I had to tell him. It had to be no.
Luke walks into the house, late at night and I waited for him on the couch. He notices me and ignores me, walking straight towards the kitchen. I sigh. "I'm sorry."
Luke turns around to face me. "Oh, don't worry about me," he tells me, "I'm fine."
"Are you fine, really? Because, I mean, you don't have to be fine. Because this is really weird and really hard and…" I chuckle lightly, "I'm not exactly fine.
"You're not?" Luke asks me with a bitter undertone.
"Of course not," I state.
"Well, that's too bad, because I am. I'm fine."
"Well… okay," I say, getting upset.
"You know maybe you should punch Christopher's lights out. That seemed to do it for me."
I stand up, shocked, and take a step towards him. "What?" I ask incredulously.
"Oh, so your boyfriend didn't tell you?" he asks rhetorically, "Huh…"
"You punched Christopher?" I ask to be clear.
"You two need to work on your communication skills," Luke says sarcastically.
"Oh, stop it," I say, having had enough of this.
"What?"
"Christopher is not my boyfriend," I reply, anger boiling up in me.
"I don't care if he is. I'm fine."
"Okay, fine. Well, if you're so fine, the next time you get a hankering to punch someone, don't, okay? If you need to take your anger out on someone, take it out on me. I'm the one you're mad at. I'm the one who deserves it."
"Look, you're the one who's still hung up here. I'm telling you, I'm over it. I guess it's just not as big a deal to me as it is to you," he throws out, purposefully trying to hurt me.
"Oh, our marriage is not as big a deal?" I ask sarcastically.
"You think it is?"
"Yes!" I say exasperatedly, throwing my hands in the air, "It's a very big deal."
"If it's that big a deal, then why throw it all away by screwing someone else? Are you really that desperate for a baby?"
I look at him in shock and he turns around once again and walks into the kitchen. After a little while, I follow him. "You know, this isn't all on me. You weren't the perfect husband either."
Luke turns around angrily and points a finger at me. "Don't compare what you did to what I did. I didn't cheat!"
"I know that, and I'm so, so sorry for being such a jerk," I say, the tears gathering in my eyes, "Mom had invited him to Friday Night Dinner, and there was this shrink, and we started talking, which led me to give you an ultimatum and when you said 'no', Christopher was on my mind, so I went to him for comfort and I drank too much. I know I shouldn't have. If I could take it back—"
"You can't," Luke states through gritted teeth.
"I know, I know I can't," I say, the tears dripping down my cheeks and hobbling next to Luke, who strides back towards the hallway, "But it was a mistake. One mistake. We can fix this. I know you're mad, but you're gonna forgive me eventually, right? You're gonna forgive me and we're gonna fix our marriage," I end, more convincing than I feel.
Luke steps on the first step on the stairs and turns around to face me, looking very sad. "I'm gonna wish my daughters goodnight and then I'm off to the diner," he tells me in a monotone voice, "I'll be staying at my old apartment for a while."
I swallow hard. "How long," I ask, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.
Luke simply shrugs his shoulders and walks upstairs, ignoring my call.
"This is some sick joke, right? Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke," I say angrily as I burst into the apartment above the diner and throw the envelope with the divorce papers on the table where Luke is seated. He looks bad, like he hasn't slept the last few weeks. I know I look worse though, because I also have been having trouble sleeping, but my eyes are swollen and red from crying this morning when the mail came.
He pushes the papers away, takes another bite of his oatmeal and doesn't look at me, as he whispers, "It's no joke."
"Seriously? You're not even going to try to forgive me?"
"I can't," Luke answers, choking up.
"Eleven years, Luke. Eleven! That's what you're giving up on. Think about the girls," I try.
"Stop blaming it on me! I didn't give up on our marriage. You did! You did that night you gave me that stupid ultimatum and then decided to fuck the one person I hate most in this world!"
"Me?! You let me walk away! I said 'now or never'. Never, Luke, and you let me walk away! That's the moment you gave up on me completely," I throw back at him.
"Oh come on, you know I'm not a fast thinker! But you gave up nine years of marriage after one big fight! You screwed this up. Literally."
"You know what?! I have apologized again and again. I think it's time you acknowledged this isn't all on me," I say through clenched teeth, picking up the envelope and walking out of the once familiar diner that now seems foreign to me.
"Girls, we have to tell you something," I say, sitting down on the coffee table next to Luke, facing our daughters who are seated on the sofa.
"What is it, Mommy?" Elly asks, reaching out her hand and placing it on my cheek, "You look sad."
I lean into her touch. "I am sad, Sweets," I tell her, "It's not something fun we have to tell you."
"What, Mommy?" Abby asks.
I take a deep breath and consider my words carefully. "Daddy is not going to live here anymore," I eventually admit slowly.
Elly scrunches her eyebrows together. "Huh?" she asks confusedly, looking at her father.
"Daddy is moving out, sweetie," I explain.
She looks back at me. "Wh-what does that mean?" She looks quickly at Abby, who shrugs her shoulders.
"It means that Daddy won't be sleeping, or cooking, or watching TV here anymore," I say in a slightly disfigured voice.
Elly's lower lip starts to quiver, a sign that she's about to cry. "But, but… Will I still see you?" she asks her father in a choked up voice, a tear escaping.
Luke leans forward, placing his hand on Elly's knee. "Hey," he says consolingly, "Of course you'll still see me. I'm still your father. Nothing's going to change that, okay?"
Elly nods and I continue, "Daddy is gonna buy a new house, where you'll each get your own room. You'll both spend some nights here with Mommy; and some nights at the new house with Daddy."
Tears are silently running down Elly's cheeks. "Why?" she asks upset.
I swallow hard and look at Luke. "Your mommy and I have been fighting," he takes over from me.
"I know," she whispers, looking down at her hands.
"We can't fix it, so we can't live together anymore. It's not fun to fight," he continues.
Elly nods as she looks from me to her father and back to me, addressing us both, "But I won't see you always."
"No, Hon, you will either see Daddy, or me, but not together anymore."
Elly sniffs and stands up, reaching out to both of us to hug her, and we do. "Can I go to my room now?" she asks, her voiced muffled by Luke's shoulder.
"Of course, Sweetie," I tell her, waving my hand through her hair. "We're really sorry," I continue as I let her go, and she runs away.
Abby stands up from the couch. "Me too," she says with a smile, as she attempts to run after her sister. I stop her by her arm.
"Abby, do you understand what Mommy and Daddy just told you?" I ask my five year old.
"Uh huh," she says with a nod and a grin.
"So you'll have two homes instead of one," I conclude.
She looks at the ceiling for a little while, considering this, before she looks back at me. "Cool," she says with an even bigger grin, before she pulls her arm from my loose grip and runs calling her sister's name.
I swallow hard; looking into the direction my daughters just disappeared. I take a few deep breaths, facing Luke.
"I guess that was it then?" I say.
"Yeah…" Luke agrees, rubbing his neck nervously, "So, I'm gonna stay at my old apartment again, until I find a house."
"No more guest room?" I ask surprised, "I thought you didn't like not seeing the girls in the evening?"
"I know, but staying would only be more confusing for them now. It's better I leave right away."
"Right. Yeah. We don't wanna make it more confusing," I say sadly.
Luke stands up from the table. "I'm gonna wish them a goodnight and then I'm out of here." I nod at him. "I'll see you around," he tells me.
"Yeah, see you around," I reply distractedly, staring at the abandoned couch.
There's a knock on the door and I open it.
"Good, you're home," are the words I'm greeted with.
"Luke?" I ask confusedly, "What are you doing here?"
"You've got some time?" he asks.
"Uh, depends. What for?"
"I found a house that I like. It has four bedrooms. I'd like you to see it. I have to make the decision today," Luke explains.
"Why do I have to see it?" I ask a bit upset, "Do you like torturing me?"
Luke rolls his eyes. "Your children are gonna live there, Lorelai. I just wanted you to approve."
"Oh," I say awkwardly, "Alright. Sure, I've got some time." I turn around to grab my coat and purse, before I exit the house.
The drive to Luke's possible new home is silent. Luke's driving his truck and I'm in the passenger's seat, staring out of the window, thinking about how I didn't expect to be in this truck anytime soon.
"This is it," Luke says as he stops the truck and looks at a house on my right. It is smaller than our house—my house now—but it looks nice. And I don't have to check out the neighborhood, because nothing ever happens in Stars Hollow.
We walk inside and Luke shows me around; a small living room with a fireplace; a large kitchen attached to it with space for a dining table in the center; upstairs a master bedroom—no doubt meant for himself, two regular rooms and one small one—"for April, because she won't be here often"; the bathroom has a bath-shower combination, two sinks and a toilet. It's a nice house; absolutely nothing wrong with it. Maybe it's even perfect for the four of them. I swallow against the hollowness in my stomach, but I have nothing to fill it with; no coffee, no food, no Luke.
"So, what do you think?" Luke asks me carefully, obviously taken aback by my quietness.
"It… It's great," I tell him with tears in my eyes, running my hand slowly over the kitchen counter, purposefully not looking at him.
"You okay?" he asks me, keeping his distance.
"I'm okay," I say softly, running my hand over my cheek to catch the fallen tear. I smile sadly at Luke, knowing that he knows me too well to hide that I'm crying. "It's just… You've got your own place," I explain sadly, "It's really over. This is the end, right here."
Luke swallows. "Yeah," he says slowly, looking around the place. "But it's not like we're never gonna see each other again."
I nod as the tears finally run freely. "I know," I say weakly.
"Actually, this is something I've been wanting to ask you, Lorelai." I look up at him, waiting for him to continue. "We can stay friends, right? I mean, with the girls and all…" he trails off awkwardly.
"Please, God, yes!" I say, maybe a little too eager, taking a step closer to him. I look up at him and smile, even though I know I look like a mess.
"Good," Luke states awkwardly, rubbing his hands together and looking around the house again.
"Can I ask you something?" I say in a small voice.
"Sure."
I take another step towards him and hold my arms slightly in front of my body. "Can I… Can I get a goodbye hug?" I ask childishly.
Luke steps forward, welcoming me. I quickly take the final short steps and wrap my arms tightly around his torso, burying my face in the familiar smell of his neck and crying loudly, unable to stop. Luke holds me just as tightly, knowing that this will be our final physical contact.
"I'm gonna miss you so much," I whisper through my sobs against his skin.
Luke rubs my back soothingly. "I'm gonna miss you too," he tells me, and his voice sounds disfigured as well. It didn't really occur to me before, that, even though he was the one asking for a divorce, this separation probably hurts him just as much as it hurts me. I've been too wrapped up in my own feelings, but now I realize it's not strange that he's getting emotional as well.
I press a quick kiss to his cheek and pull back, sniffling several times and noticing the tears in Luke's eyes. I've never seen Luke cry before, and it's not something I can handle, because of all people, I cannot comfort him; I caused this pain. I did this. Me.
I quickly turn around and run out of the house towards my home, not wanting to see his tears anymore. This really is it; the end of eleven good years together, the end of nine years of marriage that brought us two daughters. I gave him a goodbye hug as my husband and welcomed him as just my friend. It all ends here. This is it.
This was the worst chapter to write. I have been struggling with the ultimatum scene ever since I came up with this storyline and now I actually had to work it out. Also, how do you tell a five and a seven year old that you're getting a divorce? How do they react? I'm twenty-one, I've never been in this situation. I'm not satisfied with that memory, but I hope it's acceptable. Thirdly, I really had to take some breaks from all the sadness and the fighting. The good thing about this; most of the last four chapters are finished. I do have exams coming up, but hopefully it won't be very long until I can put this story's status on 'completed'.
Thanks again, Niamh. I know how busy you are and I really appreciate it.
Please, leave a review.
