A/N: Not a whole lot of plot yet, but here lies fluffy fluff!


One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five-six.

Seven-eight.

Nine.

Ten.

As she waited off-screen, Alex began counting again. The beating of her heart was erratic, but painfully slow. She watched Matt and Jenna together, and felt the familiar pang of insecurity. Jenna was young, pretty, sweet...everything that she wasn't. Why would Matt stay with her when he could have someone like Jenna? It didn't make sense. She was sitting in a small chair and when her cue came, she stood quickly, hoping she wasn't late.

"She'll take you home, then shut herself down."

This was it. Her line. She just hoped she wouldn't mess it up.

"There has to be another way. Use the TARDIS, use something. Save her, yes, but for God's sake, be sensible!"

She swung at Matt, bracing herself for him to catch her wrist. He caught her wrist in his hand, noticing that she winced, and as she continued with her lines, she could feel his eyes on her.

"How are you even doing that?" every breath was a struggle, "I'm not really here."

"You're always here to me."

This wasn't just acting, she realised. This wasn't River and the Doctor. This was Matt and Alex. He meant these words.

"And I always listen. And I can always see you."

She gasped. Something wasn't right.

"Then why-why d-didn't you-"

Her words were cut short by the blackness that she had been fighting all day. Her body sank down, very nearly hitting the ground. All the while, Matt's hand never left her wrist, keeping her from crashing onto the ground. The screams of the crew members came to her muffled, as though she were under water. Matt's face swam in front of her eyes, hazy and distant.

"Alex?!"

Jenna, watching from behind the camera, ran to get help, and returned followed by Steven Moffat and various medical personnel that were kept on-set. Alex's eyes were closed, and Matt lowered her carefully to the floor, kneeling down next to her.

"Alex, please. Open your eyes. Alex?"

He tapped her cheek lightly with his hand and when she opened her eyes slightly, he breathed a sigh of relief. Glassy and unfocused, they stared up at him, trying to find him through the haze of pain. Moffat placed a hand on his shoulder, and when he turned, he saw both pain and sympathy.

"Matt, let them work."

He nodded and stood slowly, barely noticing when Jenna appeared at his side.

"What's happening? Is she alright?"

Right. Jenna didn't know Alex that well.

"She's...she's sick. Has been for awhile."

He didn't elaborate, and Jenna didn't push the subject. She reached up to hug him and when he pulled away, she frowned. He walked as far away as he could while still keeping Alex in his sight, internally sighing when the smaller girl followed him.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm worried about Alex."

"That's sweet. You're a great friend."

She rose on her toes to kiss his cheek lightly and he held up his hand to stop her.

"Jenna, don't."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm seeing someone."

She smiled.

"I wasn't trying to—I just wanted to let you know I cared. I'm not interested, Matt. Really."

He kicked himself. How could he be so stupid?

"I'm sorry."

Jenna waved his apology aside, hoping to distract him.

"Who is she?"

Matt didn't answer, turning his attention back to Alex. The medical team had managed to get her breathing stable and he ran over, desperate to be there when she opened her eyes again. As soon as he was close enough, he stopped to catch his breath, leaning on his knees for support.

"Matt?"

It was so quiet he nearly missed it. He knelt down.

"Yes, Alex?"

"What happened?"

"You passed out. I think you should probably rest for a bit."

He turned to Moffatt for confirmation, and when he nodded, Matt held out his hand.

"Can you walk?"

Alex nodded slowly, taking his hand. After a few shaky steps, she stumbled and collapsed in Matt's arms, kicking herself for being so weak.

"That's what I thought. Come on, Kingston."

Matt swept her into his arms, cradling her carefully against his chest. As he carried her off-set, he called over his shoulder.

"Be right back!"


As soon as Matt placed her on the couch in her trailer, his lips found hers, kissing her desperately. When he pulled away a few moments later, he stared down at her seriously.

"Don't scare me like that, Alex."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He kissed her again, noticing how cold her lips were.

"Wrap up in something warm, love. You're freezing. I have to go back, but I'll be right here before you know it. Get some sleep."

She nodded, her body falling over onto the couch. When he glanced back over his shoulder, she was already beginning to fall asleep. He only hoped he hadn't been gone long enough to arouse suspicion.


"Is Alex okay?"

Jenna's soft voice caused him to jump, and he laughed slightly.

"She's asleep. I think she's okay for now."

"You said she was sick. How long has she been this sick?"

Matt paused. He liked Jenna, considered her a friend, but he didn't feel comfortable discussing Alex's health with her.

"Awhile."

She nodded, realising that he wasn't going to elaborate. Matt thought that perhaps they were going to continue the rehearsal, but Moffat ushered them all out a few moments later. As Matt passed, Moffat caught him by the arm, looking at him seriously.

"This is getting dangerous."

Matt nodded, his eyes making sure no one was near.

"She's going to die, Matt."

"No, she's not. I'm not going to let her."

Moffat's eyes were sad as he looked at the younger man.

"You may not be able to help her."

"I will. I know I can help her. Or I'll die trying."

Matt stared at him, daring him to speak. Moffat knew how much Matt cared for Alex, but he also knew that he needed to accept the very real possibility of her death.

"Matt-"

"I can't lose her, Steven. I love her."

Moffat sighed.

"I know. She loves you, too. But it may not be enough."

Matt stared at him for a long moment, his eyes hard. Without speaking, he pushed past, making his way to Alex's trailer, hoping she was getting some much needed rest. Neither of them noticed that Jenna had been standing close enough to hear every word that was said.


When Alex opened her eyes some minutes, or hours, later (she never knew which), the first thing she searched for was Matt. Seeing that he was nowhere to be found, she stood shakily and made her way slowly to the rehearsal space, wondering if they were still working.

"Alex!"

She turned at the voice, painting on a smile when the younger woman approached her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," Alex lied, feeling dizzy even as she spoke.

Jenna nodded sympathetically, her eyes searching Alex's for the lie she knew was there.

"Did everyone leave?"

"Yeah, Moffat called it a day. I think he's still around, though, if you'd like to talk to him."

Alex shook her head, her eyes closing. She knew this feeling. That empty, lightheaded feeling that always preceded a fall, and she tried to stop Jenna from leaving. Jenna noticed Alex's hesitation to move and frowned.

"Alex? What is it? What's wrong?"

Alex slowly sank to the floor, her head falling on her chest and Jenna didn't wait for an answer. She turned on her heel and ran, calling Matt's name as she did so.

"Alex? Alex, what is it?"

She raised her head slightly, her vision hazy, and when her eyes locked on his, the glassiness made him shake.

"Matt?"

"Right here, Kingston."

She smiled at his use of her surname, and he held out his hand.

"Can you stand?"

When she shook her head, he knelt down, looking at her urgently.

"I can't do this, Matt," she whispered.

Jenna was still standing nearby, but Matt didn't care anymore. She would find out soon enough anyway. He shook his head, looking in her eyes.

"Don't you see how far you've come already? You have a lot to be proud of, and every reason to keep moving forward. You can do this."

There were tears falling down her face now, and she wiped them away furiously.

"I'm so fucking pathetic and weak. I can't do this."

Matt took her hands in his, his eyes never once leaving hers.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before and that, my love, is bravery. You're one of the strongest people I know, and you're not going to let this win. I'm not going to, either."

Matt reached out to wipe away her tears and when a sob escaped her lips, Matt pulled her against him in a hug that was so tight that it seemed he was trying to quite literally hold her together.

"Jenna, thank you for everything you did today," Matt murmured as he led Alex back to her trailer.

Jenna could only nod as she watched them walk away.


Alex sat on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, and sighed. She always had to mentally prepare herself for this, but it never really made it easier. As soon as she stuck her fingers down her throat, she coughed, pretending she didn't feel the pain of her nails scratching the back of her throat. She tried to be as quiet as possible, glancing at the locked door every time she coughed a bit too loudly.

Finally, several paranoid minutes later, she made her way into the bedroom, nearly collapsing on the bed. Matt, still sleeping, wrapped his arm around her from behind and she moved slightly closer. Just as she closed her eyes, she felt a bit of relief wash over her. She was clean now. Pure.

"Did you really think that I wouldn't hear you?"

Matt's voice, quiet but still loud in the darkness, startled her and she jumped.

"What?"

"Alex, I'm not stupid. I just wish you would at least try. You've given up. When you let this control you, you turn into someone else. It's like you're two completely different people. One of them, I love more than life itself. The other...I just don't understand. Don't you want to get better?"

"Matt," she sighed, "it's not that easy. Of course I do. But I don't know how. I'm not sure I even remember how to eat normally."
"I will tie you down to a chair if that helps you stop. Please, love. One thing. Eat just one thing and keep it down. At least once a day. Please. For me."

Alex turned in his arms, facing him.

"Matt...I don't know if I can."

"Yes, you can, love. I'll do anything to help you. I love you more than anything in the world, and I'm not giving up on you. Don't make me be the only one."

"Matt-"

"Tell me what I've got to do, because I'm not getting through to you obviously. You always say that I don't understand, but you're not giving me a chance to. How do I get through all the walls that you keep building? Please, tell me how."

Alex shook her head, trying to make him understand.

"Matt...I can't answer that. I don't have the answer. You want one, and I want one, but there isn't one. I'm sorry."

Matt wrapped her in his arms and placed a light kiss on her temple. She was trying to keep her emotions in check, but soon realised that it was futile. She buried her face in his chest, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely Matt, and sighed.

"I'm sorry, Matt. I know that I don't deserve it, but please...please don't leave me."

Matt pulled back, looking at her seriously.

"Why would I leave you? I know that this is difficult right now, but we can get through this. I promise."

The ringing of Matt's phone startled them both and Alex jumped.

"Hello?"


Alex stood shakily and made her way into the bedroom, sinking wearily onto the bed. She ran a hand through her hair and pulled the blankets around her. She was already asleep when Matt came in the room a few minutes later. He smiled sadly and brushed her hair back gently.

"I love you," he whispered.

Karen sat on the couch across from Matt, listening to him recount what had happened at rehearsal with concerned eyes.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Is she going to agree to therapy?"

"She already has, but her first appointment isn't until next week."

The Scottish girl nodded understandingly.

"Is she going to make it that long?"

Matt sighed, running his hand over the light stubble on his face. Karen noticed for the first time the drastic change in him: the ragged clothing, his five o' clock shadow, the dark circles under his eyes.

"Matt, please. Take care of yourself. You need to get some sleep. You're exhausted."

"I'm fine," he protested.

Karen gave him a look and he sighed.

"Okay, fine, but someone needs to help her."

"She's sleeping. Go lie down next to her and sleep for awhile. I'll be here if you need anything."

Matt nodded distractedly, shutting the bedroom door behind him. He fully expected to toss and turn for a long time, but he had no sooner closed his eyes than he was asleep. For the first time in months, he didn't dream.