DAMAGED GOODS
CHAPTER ELEVEN
…
Half an hour later she closed the suitcases and then set them upright next to her door; as if she was ready to leave any minute.
When she turned around she spotted him smiling at her.
''What?'' She asked.
''Nothing.'' He answered, still smiling. ''I just love you.''
That started a riot in her insides, and made her cheeks flush. They might've both said it already, but neither of them had referred to it again and nothing had changed. She wasn't expecting him to bring it up as easy as this.
''Wh-'' She started, but he just shrugged.
''We've already said it, and if you don't want anything to change then that doesn't have to happen, I'm okay with that.'' For now. he silently added. ''I just want to be able to say it. I don't like keeping it in.''
He was talking about it like it was nothing; like they were going over a shopping list for the grocery store. Like he'd already said it a thousand times.
She just stood there, unable to respond.
''I-uh.'' She stammered, still standing frozen in place.
I love you. Three simple words, that so many people had said to her during her life, but somehow none of it had felt more sincere and genuine than this.
They'd been told by her mom and her dad; just casually when she came home, went to bed, or when they left for work in the morning. When she was upset, when she was happy; all the time.
Or by her boyfriends, Devon, from that rebel period, Mikhail, a Russian guy she met during that semester she spent there, some other guys from her teens and early adulthood, Will and Josh…. After those make out sessions, after that first kiss, that first time, but had any one them every really meant it?
To be honest, she herself had always been very frugal with those words; she didn't like to use them, knowing that when something would go wrong those words would make the fall even more painful.
The only times she could clearly remember saying them, and actually meaning them, were crying them out, screaming them after she heard her mom had been murdered, and softly at her funeral. When her dad finally got sober and she might have mentioned it to Will.
And then that night, to Castle. Because she had meant it, and she still did. It was just… complicated.
Oh, how she hated that word; but she wasn't a writer, and she wasn't so good with words, and she just couldn't find another fitting term right now.
''Uh…'' She repeated, but he had already turned his back towards her and was making his way towards the sofa.
She blinked a couple of times, then turned around to follow him, but she changed her mind at the last minute and turned right, towards her kitchen.
She grabbed a big glass from the cupboard and filled it with tap-water, then quickly drank it.
''Do you want something to eat or drink?'' She called out, still a little shaken up.
''A soda sounds good.'' He said as he turned his head towards her while seated on the sofa, that charming grin of his on his face.
''No food?'' She asked as she grabbed a can out of the fridge. She knew he would be hungry; she'd been with him all day and all he'd eaten were two eggs. It was already nearing four o'clock and she wasn't going to let him tell her he wasn't hungry, because damn it, just because she didn't eat didn't mean that he had to starve himself!
''No, I'm not hungry.'' He said, but this time he didn't look at her and she knew the grin had disappeared as well.
She grabbed a big red apple from the fruitbowl, washed it and put it on the counter, then opened another cupboard and took out a loaf of bread.
Ten minutes later, she walked up to him and handed him a plate with a sandwich, and put the soda down on the coffee-table.
''Eat up.'' she said when he looked at her questioningly. ''You're not fooling anyone by saying you're not hungry. I've been with you all day, all you've eaten is a small omelet.''
''You ate less than me Kate, so what, are you not hungry then?'' He shot back, maybe a little too sharply.
''Of course I am.'' She replied as she walked back to the kitchen and took the apple and water with her.
She sat down in the chair across from him and took a big bite from the apple. She sent him a daring look while she slowly chewed and swallowed it.
When his worried expression didn't change she put down the apple and held it with both hands in her lap.
''Castle, you need to understand that no matter how scary you might find this; I will survive. It's not like this is going to kill me, I have lived with this for god-knows-how-many-years and honestly? A few years more don't change a thing, hell, even if this never goes away, it doesn't change a thing. It just a part of me.'' There was no sadness, no hurt or fear in her voice, just confidence. She wasn't feeling bad, didn't know why, because she had every reason to be, but she actually felt happy.
She was going undercover in rehab, she should be worrying about that and even though she knew that tonight she would lie wide awake stressing about that, right now she actually felt pretty comfortable.
''Just because it's part of you doesn't mean it can't change. Doesn't mean it shouldn't change. I mean, I used to be a womanizer, but I realized it was wrong and I changed that.''
'''Rick, listen. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not, but… can we just not talk about this now? I don't want to ruin today.''
''Why not? What's so special about today? Tomorrow there will be another reason not to.''
''I'm actually feeling pretty good today.'' She said softly. Then suddenly the 'I just love you' hit her again and she couldn't help but smile, even though she was still afraid, his words might have made her feel a little bit better, a little bit more confident today. ''We can go about this two ways; one, we worry about this and waste our lives being sad, or two, we just act normally like all this never happened because whether you like it or not, this has been with me all along, during everything we've been through it has always been there. You've never noticed, nothing was ever wrong, so can you just realize that I'm not going to die and that I can live with this? And I promise I will talk to you about it sometimes, but just not now, just not know because I really just want to eat this fucking apple and do some research and then go for a run, and maybe even have dinner and do some yoga and go to sleep. Please?'' She almost begged him.
''I- Okay.'' He sighed. ''Just…- We are going to talk about this eventually, okay? About everything.''
She silently nodded, knowing exactly what 'everything' meant. But maybe that would even be a good thing.
Then she took another bite of her apple, and was surprised by how little guilt she was feeling. She might have been fasting for two days, but usually she would still feel guilty for eating, or it would end up being a whole binge-purge-binge session.
She'd eaten the whole thing rather quickly, not crazy, compared to how hungry she was. So when he tore his still untouched sandwich in two and offered her half of it, she hesitated. Usually she was so good at saying no, never even understood how people could accept food from others; even before all this started she'd always said no when offered food.
He gave her that look, saying 'come on, it's just half a sandwich!' and she hesitantly extended her hand and eventually ended up eating it. She gulped down another glass of water and then stood up.
''Where are you going?''
''I have to use the bathroom.'' She said as she made her way towards it.
''Kate…'' He sighed, as if begging her and for a moment she didn't even know what he was trying to say.
''Oh come on Castle, seriously? Do you seriously think I would do that with you in the next room. I'm just gonna pee for god's sake!'' She sighed as she rolled her eyes and continued to walk towards the bathroom. She wasn't angry with him, but he should seriously stop being so paranoid.
He should seriously stop acting like she was about to break any minute. She was still the same person as she was before he knew about all this.
…
''You wanna watch a movie?'' He asked when she came back from the bathroom.
She shook her head.
''I actually wanted to go for a run, so maybe you should head home.'' She smiled at him.
''I could come with you?'' He said, raising up from the couch to put the plate and glass in the dishwasher.
But she shook her head and declined.
''I don't think you can keep up with me.'' She said teasingly, but really she just wanted to be alone for a while; it wasn't like she didn't enjoy his company –because she really, really did- but she wasn't used to having someone around all the time.
He seemed to get her message and smiled, almost politely.
''Alright, just…- just don't do anything stupid, okay?'' He asked with a hint of fear shining through his voice.
''Promise.'' She assured him, her hand squeezing his.
Then he turned and went to grab his coat.
''See you tomorrow?'' He asked.
''I'm not going to the precinct, only have to come and check in Tuesday night.'' She said as she opened the door for him.
''Can I come over?'' He asked.
She bit her lip. They'd been together almost all the time lately and maybe she really shouldn't but…
''I-..''
''I'm just worried about you Kate, and if that makes me look needy or annoying then I'm sorry, but I just want to make sure you're okay.'' He pleaded as he shrugged on his coat and placed his hand on the doorknob.
''Alright. Maybe you can come over in the evening, I'm thinking about going to see my dad.'' She told him.
He nodded.
''Thank you.'' He said as he stepped forward, kissed her on her cheek –just briefly, really, but her whole body was suddenly burning up-, turned around and left.
When she closed the door, she turned to lean against it and slowly slid towards the floor; touching her cheek.
They both might have already admitted to loving each other, they might have already kissed in the past, but yet, that simple, small gesture set all of her nerve endings on fire.
God, she had it bad.
…
''Katie!'' Her dad said surprised when she opened the door and found her standing there in her flats and short, black leather jacket; motorcycle helmet tucked underneath her right arm.
''Hey dad.'' She replied with a smile. ''I just thought I'd stop by.''
'''Great, great, come in!'' He said as he opened the door further and stepped aside to let her through.
She shrugged of her jacket and stepped forwards to hug her dad and give him a kiss on his cheek.
''I missed you.'' He admitted. ''It's been way too long.''
She smiled at him.
''Yeah, me too.''
He made his way towards the living room, and she closely followed. She took a deep breath as she settled on the couch; her dad had never moved out of the apartment she'd grown up in, he just couldn't leave, knowing this was the only place Johanna still somehow lived in.
By the pictures on the walls; pictures of the three of them, but also pictures that Johanna and Kate had taken during that time they got in that creative phase. The big painting that hung above the couch, that Johanna had loved. The kitchen counters that she made dinner on, little Katie sitting on top of one of the counters even though she really wasn't allowed to, stealing pieces of cucumber while Johanna was chopping them up. The bed that Jim and Johanna had shared for years; it was old and sagged but he just couldn't get himself to buy a new one, somehow the empty space next to him held memories and sometimes he swore he could still smell her perfume in the pillows, no matter how often he'd washed them.
''You've gotten way too skinny Katie.'' She heard her dad say, pulling her away from her thoughts.
She knew it wasn't meant like a compliment, but somehow it made her feel proud. Other people saw it, other people noticed, she had lost weight.
She didn't answer, because she couldn't get herself to say something about it other than 'thank you'.
''You want a drink? Food?'' He asked as he made his way towards the kitchen.
''Tea would be nice. And I've already eaten at home.'' She said. That was a lie, but maybe just a little white one; the truth would only hurt him. She was protecting him.
''So why did you come over?'' He said, a few minutes later while he set down a cup of tea on the coffee table. ''I'm guessing you had a reason.''
''Why don't you believe I just wanted to see you?'' She laughed as she rolled her eyes.
''I know you, something is bothering you.'' He said.
''Okay, um. We're dealing with this case – I'll spare you the details – but anyway, we already know who did it but we don't have enough evidence on her, so I need to go undercover.'' She started to explain.
''Oh, no, you're not dying your hair pink again are you?'' Jim laughed, images of his daughter dressed in skimpy outfits with matching pink hair coming back to him.
She chuckled.
''No. No appearance changes this time. It's just… the girl is in rehab and… I need to go undercover him rehab.'' She said carefully.
Rehab – a touchy subject in her family, for as far you could call two a family though. Although it was a big thing, a big part of their past, they didn't like to talk about Jim's alcoholic past. Didn't like to reminisce images of him passed out on the floor in his own vomit, or nights where she had to stay over at his house and listen to him puking all night. This rehab might be a different kind, but his sobering up, his stay in rehab; it was barely ever mentioned.
''But… They will notice, if you don't get all the withdrawal symptoms, I mean… they'll know you're not really addicted.'' He said awkwardly.
''Yeah, it's not that kind of rehab…'' She swallowed. ''It's a… eating disorder clinic for women.''
''Is that why you're losing weight? Katie you don't have to do that they can't..-'' He started to protest immediately but she interrupted him.
''No, no dad. I'm not losing weight.'' She lied. Well, partially. ''I just… everything will be fine but it's an all-girls-group there so there will be a lot of gossiping I guess and I'm afraid that someone will notice who I am, and I just wanted to warn you that if there's any gossip on page six about- '' She made quotemarks with her fingers in the air ''-Richard Castle's girlfriend being anorexic or bulimic; don't believe it. It's just a cover.''
He was silent, seemed to be thinking about her words deeply; his brows furrowed only slightly.
''And just for the record, I'm not his girlfriend either.'' She rolled her eyes and nervously chuckled.
''I- I don't know what to say.'' He finally spoke. ''I mean, if it's that easy to get your cover blown, then can't someone else go?'' '
''I'm the only woman on my team, and well…'' She slowly spoke as if still thinking about it herself. ''I'm not really happy with it either, but I'll just have to do it.''
''When are you leaving?'' He then asked.
''Wednesday.''
She didn't elaborate any further. And just like that the conversation was over, done. Not because he was angry, or because he didn't care but because he was scared, and because she understood where that fear came from, so she let it rest.
She loved her dad more than anything, and she didn't want to hurt him. Even if it hurt her.
…
At seven o'clock her doorbell rang. Two quick yet loud and clear buzzes, and somehow she just knew it was him; not because she knew he would be coming over, but because that ringing of the bell, it was just so… him. Typical.
She got up from where she was lying sprawled all over her couch with her face buried in the pillows and made her way to the door.
She checked her appearance in the mirror once more; to see if her jaw had stopped trembling and if her makeup was still in place.
''Hey.'' He smiled as she opened the door.
''Hey, come in.'' She smiled back.
When he'd shrugged off his coat and his shoes (it had been raining, they were all wet) and ran a hand through his moist hair he spoke up.
''You- You just made yourself throw up again, didn't you?'' He said bluntly but with a concerned look in his eyes.
''Wha- No!'' She exclaimed shocked by how well he read her, or maybe she just hadn't checked her makeup well enough and maybe her jaw might still be trembling a bit but…''Okay, maybe.'' She added. ''Yes.'' She then softly said. ''I'm sorry.''
He grabbed her hand and squeezed it softly, then stepped inside the living room.
''I just…-'' She started quietly. ''-I was at my dad's and he told me I'd gotten too skinny and of course my stupid brain had to treat that like a compliment, and then I told him about the undercover-thing, and then he'd bought these cookies I used to love as a kid and he was so sweet and I just couldn't disappoint him but then when I came home I just..-'' she sighed as she fell into the cushions. ''I'm pathetic.''
'''Hey, you're not pathetic!'' He said as he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. Maybe they'd been ignoring personal space lately, but that might just be what she needs.
Then she looked up at him.
''But uh, yesterday was okay. I had spaghetti Bolognese for dinner?'' The statement came out more like a question and she felt like a little girl trying to make her parents smile after showing them her terrible report card.
He didn't answer but she knew he smiled as she buried her face back into his chest. She'd been so weak with him; so vulnerable, and she was shocked by how natural it felt.
That didn't mean the wall was down, because she knew that the weak, vulnerable girl would be fun to play for a while, but eventually she would get hurt; no matter what. It might not even be his fault, nor hers, but she knew she would end up hurt. And she wasn't ready for that.
''Small steps.'' He said, his voice muffled by her hair and she nodded against him.
''Yeah.'' She said. ''Small steps.''
I just wanted to get this up here before tomorrow. As from tomorrow there will be a bit of a hiatus, for about two weeks. As I have explained earlier; due to the exchange project. After that I hope to get started with the rehab-thing (:
Let me know what you're thinking?
