See Chapter 1 for info & warnings
Where does my heart beat now?
Where is the sound that only echoes through the night?
Where does my heart beat now?
I can't live without-without feeling it inside.
Where do all the lonely hearts go?
~Celine Dion "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?"
Yoda sent a message to Tanilea as soon as the transport set down on Coruscant. Tanilea stared blankly at the datapad. "You need to go, Master," Livien urged quietly. "You will regret it if you do not."
The Jedi tousled her Padawan's hair in attempt at levity. "You are right, Liv. You... should probably wait here."
"Of course, Master. I will be here when you return."
Knowing nothing could truly prepare her and that there was no way to delay the moment further, Tanilea left her quarters. At first she thought of going to the ship. But Obi-Wan and young Anakin were not who she wanted to see. She followed instead the path to the medical center. The morgue there was most certainly where they would take Qui-Gon's body. /Body./ She bit her lip and refused to cry. /No more tears. At least not for a few minutes. Center yourself, Tani./ Thankfully, the Jedi passed few people on her way. Contact with other beings would not have made the trek easier.
Before she knew it, Tanilea stood before the door of the morgue, hand already pressing the code to open the glass plate. A harried-looking young Twi'lek was the only person within. "Can I help you?" she asked, obviously hoping the request would require little of her valuable time.
"Yes. Yes, you can. I... I have come to see the body of Master Qui-Gon Jinn." It was all she could do to choke out the words past the lump in her throat.
"Of course," was the only reply she received. "First door on the right. The funeral is tonight... uh, think they said 1900 hours. You'd have to check with..." she shuffled a few papers, "with Obi-Wan Kenobi to be sure."
"Thank you." Even in her own ears, the voice was wooden, flat. Almost against her will, Tanilea trudged toward the shiny silver door. Taking a deep breath to collect her scattered emotions, she opened the door. Tanilea felt almost relieved to see that the long white sheet covering his body was already folded down to the shoulders. Seeing his body completely covered might have proved more than she could take.
Though in her mind she knew the body was nothing more than an empty shell, a drained vessel, Tanilea could not convince her emotions of the same. Slow, tenuous steps eventually placed her at Qui-Gon's side. Her hand traced the curve of his cheek. /Cold. Pale. Lifeless./ The tears came, but Tanilea had passed the point where she cared. One droplet fell on Qui-Gon's shoulder and she brushed it away. It seemed strange how serene he looked, how perfectly arranged his hair on the metal table. None of it seemed real. Every moment since the morning training session seemed like some sort of twisted, horrible dream.
/If only this were the dream./ "If only I could wake up in your arms and have none of this be real..." But it was real. Quite real. She straightened again, looking one last time at the passive countenance of the fallen Master. "Good-bye, my love."
She did not contact Obi-Wan that day. She ascertained the time of Qui-Gon's funeral through a news-link. Tanilea could not find within her the strength to look into Obi-Wan's eyes and see the same grief she knew was written in her own. Livien spent the day in her room, reading or studying by herself. Tanilea thanked the Force more than once that the Padawan already had such patience. /Liv? Could you come out here for a moment?/ It was almost time.
"Master?" the girl asked, walking into the room with the grace and dignity Tanilea had come to anticipate.
"Do you wish to accompany me? I... I would not force you to do so. Still, your presence would be a comfort."
She nodded quietly. "I will come, Master Jamelle." Livien looked over at the nearest chrono. "We should probably leave now."
"Yes. Yes, we should."
The flames licked higher and higher, the wind twisting smoke and ash away into the night. Tanilea's eyes burned from staring into the vibrant tones of the funeral pyre. Livien had not released her grip on her Master's hand since they left their quarters. Having the Padawan with her had proved a blessing. The girl's constant, comforting presence kept her rooted in the present moment. Tanilea's gaze trailed from the fire to Obi and Anakin, who stood opposite them on the other side of the pyre. There were others there, of course: Queen Padme
Amidala, Jar Jar Binks, Boss Nass, Chancellor Palpatine, Senator Bibble and the entire Council of Masters, not to mention several other Jedi and their apprentices, along with some of the Gungan soldiers. But it was Obi-Wan to whom her eyes wandered constantly.
Even through the smoke and fire, Tanilea could see the lines of care on his face. The boy she knew and loved was dead. The tired, sad young man who had taken his place was someone beyond Tanilea's understanding, at least while she had her own wounds to tend. For the first time, he looked up and met her gaze. /I'm sorry, Tani./
/No. It was the will of the Force. You couldn't have stopped it./ She looked away, unable to face his pain or hear the sorrow etched so firmly even into his mental voice. /The will of the Force,/ her mind scoffed. /You don't believe that,/ it continued. /You are furious. You want-/ Tanilea stopped the line of thought there. In truth, she felt no anger, only pain and loss. All she wanted was to will herself to remain standing until the pyre had burned out, until the last traces of ash had blown from the ground. Then she would decide what to do. Only then.
