I search in vane
For that
Which does not exist
Polluting my mind
Like a growing cyst
Infected
No cure
My death
No longer obscure
My future gone
My end
Is near
What shall I do
With my final tear
-DNL235
I never thought that I could face my fears, then conquer them. A weight has been lifted from my chest, I can breath once more. Most importantly I didn't have to do it alone. Kou, has proven himself to being my care bear, big lug and his large comforting embrace. I no longer fear opening up to him, it's liberating knowing there someone I can trust. Also, it's no longer ME against the world, it's US.
My undesired "friend" remains, he's not very happy either. Having alerted my my lover to his presence, however I could care less about ' IT.' He only offers me a world with bounders and boundaries , a world with only him. I refused.
Unfortunately his dominance only continues to confine my mind. Over powering me, more and more, with each passing day. I am losing control, I am losing this war; the prize my very being.
' I assure you, I have just begun. I will inflect the pain I've endured, tenfold. And only when you begging to die, only when I am done with you, will I grant your wish. Because you will desperately desire it. For I am merciful, for I am forgiving. And I will end your miserable existence.'
Yes, he's been doing that quit a bit lately. Very full of himself, pompous, arrogant, demented non-carpouryal idiot. Nonetheless, his threat s are far from empty. Furthermore, his claims have merit, but I continue to refuse to surrender.
I have be contemplating multiple options, but I'm afraid only one might be of any affect. I remain ever so cautious, only wanting rouse this option Asa last resort, but I maybe at my wits end. No matter how much doubt i had, before my confession, it's only furthered and strengthened my trust in Kou. I still did not keep him apprized of the possible options.
' Well aren't you such a hypocritical peasant. Kou, royalty, you the rubbish beneath his feet.'
There are still something's I must continue to do on my own, this is one of those things. I can't allow him to take control of my decision. He would be rash, and overzealous to ensure me safety, while supporting me... LITERALLY. He would carry me around like some miniature dog, or worse an accessory.
' Marvelous idea, vivid image of you as a puddle, in a toté across his shoulder... PRICELESS!'
' Im still ignoring you, so shut up.'
As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted.
With his impute I would become bias, I can't afford to make a wrong decision. Not something this important, not vital to my very existence, not this late in the game. I don't have enough to pay the outrageous fee, if/ when I should fail.
' I assure you, you WILL.'
As I slowly all forward, closer, closing the gaping chasm between me, and my only actual option for success. I don't necessarily fear what I must do, on the contrary, it more of a certainty of I must do, what's to come. Automatic doors open, crossing the threshold into sanctuary. Following signs directing me to a wide passage, looking at a directory, clumsily placed. Nearly in the very center of the walkway. Finding my desired destination, entering the elevator. Pressing down on a chrome, polished button, for the coordinates to my quests location.
As the elevator holts, a piercing dings, rings out altering me, having reached my floor. As I continue to follow signs and arrows, until making my way to a front desk. The clerk, has a pinch extra inch of fiery ginger hair passing her delicate shoulders. Accompanied with a conservative dark silver/coal blouse, treating to burst open. All except the very top, for it remained unbuttoned.
' OH, momma. Her décolletage is rather stunning view. I wonder if she's a strumpet, and how does she feel about ménage à trois.'
' Is your penchant for woman that fearsome, you chauvinistic pig.'
' I cannot help it, red-heads are my weakness. Then she has adorable freckles strewn across her rosy checks. It's to much.'
" Hello Sir, how can I help you?"
She seems to have an accent that I am unfamiliar with, and can't place. Shame she is pretty, but I have Kou, and I'm gay.
" Checking in."
A shocked expression crosses her features, as her cheeks turn scarlet. I suppose my comment must have startled her.
' Why wouldn't she be? I mean why would you ever want to be rid of me. I am the sweetness to your coffee, the sunshine on your wonderful days. I am just so chipper and magnificent.'
' What ever you say.'
' Don't roll those eyes at me or rather at my comments.'
When she stands, I get a better view of her hourglass figure. Her her dark grey blouse paired, with a charcoal black skirt with obsidian pumps, to complete the outfit. Coming around her half circular desk. Succulent hips swaying as she waves her delicate, slender arms for me to follow.
' Pick you jaw off the floor.'
' But it's just to tempting to grab her curvaceous pelvis and bend her over that desk. Give her a good rogering, as she cries out in ecstasy. Down boy.'
" This way please Sir."
' To late.'
' Hmm, maybe your straight after all. GRAB that ass.'
' Ri-ight, I'll keep that in mind'
As I trailed behind the attractive ginger, the only surrounding environment I took in was the warn, marbled carpeted floor. I didn't really want to absorb where is was, or what I was doing. If I did, I would most likly high tail it out of there, so I just continued to stare at the floor. Constantly trying to ignore the blank alabaster walls, enticing me in. Closing in on me, the further I ventured on. Even though I refused to look raise my head, yet still noticing two large men follow a fare distance behind.
The ginger halted in front of a thick meal door, surprising me. Before I knew what I was going on, nearly crashing right into her back. Hands landing firmly, touching her rear end. I quickly removed my hands, murmuring words of apology.
' Fabulous, old boy, may be there's hope for you yet. I doubt she would have any desire to screw you now, but hey who knows. She was giving you the eye, may be she thinks your cute. Don't let me me stand in your way, go pop that cherry. I demand I full performance of wrestling in the sheets.'
Stepping back, much further away, to ensure that's history would not repeat it's self. She pressed a button, on a intercom attached to the wall. Then participates in some " girl talk," until the enormous meal door swings open opened to reveal a spacious enclosure. Continuing as the carpet shifts to a ragged pallid green.
' What an atrocious pigmentation. Your completion is nearly a deathly hue, rivaling that of this livid carpet, it's wonderful. Don't die, I'd detest for you to take away all the fun I have in store.'
I carefully tap the gingers shoulder, causing her to nearly jump from her skin, recomposing herself, while turning around.
" I need to make a phone call."
Faith
Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you
But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too
Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
And when that love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you the door
'Cause I gotta have faith...
Baby
I know you're asking me to stay
Say please, please, please, don't go away
You say I'm giving you the blues
Maybe
You mean every word you say
Can't help but think of yesterday
And another who tied me down to loverboy rules
Before this river
Becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more
Yes I've got to have faith...
- George Michael
