A/N: Well you lovely bunch just continue to make my year! Thank you for all the lovely reviews. I'm sorry for all the angst you've had to wade through up til now, and unfortunately (unless you're like me and love a good dollop of angst in your cornflakes...) the shit is about to hit the fan. The latter part of this chapter was one of the first scenes I wrote when I started writing this story. It's a bit of a turning point in the road, and while I can't promise the angst is truly over, those clouds might just be about to break. I do have to point out, this chapter contains some pretty horrible imagery, so just use your own discretion.
Warning: This chapter does contain scenes of abuse.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of TWD characters, I just pull their strings and make 'em dance ;)
Chapter 11
Hell knew why he hadn't called after her. He'd tried to convince himself it was because she was already out of earshot and wouldn't have heard him anyway, but he knew that was just bullshit. Their conversation had exposed nerves, left him feeling empty and pretty pissed, and then she'd left and all he had was her damn sweater. He didn't know why he'd kept it - he should have given it to Lori to pass on, but instead he'd stuffed it in his jacket. He felt like a prize dork now. It wasn't her fault he was such a loser, blowing around on the wind like a tumbleweed with nowhere to go. He'd been angry at himself for not having the balls to tell his daddy and Merle where they could shove it and the memory had raged over like boiling water at her. Now all he could hear was his own voice clanging in his head, barking at her like some jackass. Part of the reason he'd flew off the handle at her was she was right - she was always right. Even though he didn't have anywhere to go, nobody to care if he got up in the morning, he'd came back because this felt like home. It felt like home because she was here, but coming back to a glacial reception cut him to the bone, and he'd lashed out like a wounded animal. Then there was the realisation of what he'd supposed anyway, that she was married and even had a kid. He knew he was being pathetic, but it still hurt, knowing she'd moved on and left him behind… had a life now that didn't include him.
He had no right to be jealous of a guy he'd never even met, but Daryl couldn't stop the green eyed monster stirring. Now as he pulled over outside the house he'd seen her and the kid go into after the party, his heart picked up a little. What was he doing? He wasn't doing a great job of rubbishing her claims right now, showing up at her door with a fucking sweater he could've just given to Lori who lived second's walk away. Daryl stared at the garment in his hands, slight wisps of her scent reaching his nose and resisted the urge to bury his face in it. He had come too far now to turn back, and he couldn't deny that he wanted to see her again. Even if she gave him hell for showing up at her door. There was also the possibility of checking out the husband. He wondered what kinda guy had stepped in to fill his shoes after he'd left. It was a nice house, Daryl figured the dude must do alright for himself. He probably had a Merc in the garage. His eyes wandered around the interior of his battered old Dodge, frowning at the patches of duct tape holding the seats together. He had lost his goddamn mind.
He threw the sweater on the seat and huffed out a growl as he went to start the engine. As he leaned forward he heard a door open and his eyes whipped around. The monster was well and truly awake now, his hands gripping the wheel and a growl poised and ready in his throat. Daryl knew right away this guy was a dick. His people skills might not have been great but he was never wrong on first impressions. The guy had the kinda face that had always deserved a pounding but always escaped. He reminded Daryl of the guys his daddy and Merle always got them mixed up with. Tall, lumbering, face like some cartoon villain. Everything about him as he stood in the doorway, drawing on his smoke and eyeing the pickup curiously, made Daryl want to beat his ass into the ground. He didn't bother starting the engine.
"You lookin' for somethin'?" Ed's voice boomed over at him as he shut the driver door forcefully.
"Yeah, m'lookin' for Carol, she home?" Daryl made his way up the path.
"Who's askin'?"
"Uh, Daryl… Dixon." Daryl forced his hand out and felt his blood boil when Ed just stared at it and then back at him. He definitely hated this guy.
Ed looked him up and down, the cogs in his mind creaking as he studied Daryl and took another long thoughtful puff at his cigarette. "What you want with Carol?"
Daryl fought the urge to kick this prick's teeth in. "It was just to return this, she left it at Lori's the other night." He peered around Ed to try and get a look inside the house.
Ed looked at the sweater, his face void of any emotion and then at Daryl again. "Lori's?"
"Yeah," Daryl grunted, getting a little tired of this guy's conversation skills already. "She left it at the party so I picked it up."
Ed glared at the black garment as Daryl handed it over. He thought he recognised that look. The way Ed gripped the flimsy material between his rough hands made him feel sick and got his hackles up. The air was charged with electricity and Daryl knew he had to leave right now or shit was gonna go down. He didn't like the vibe he was getting from this guy and the thought of Carol ending up in trouble because of him was the only thing that held enough weight to pull him away.
"Anyways I better go, I just came to give it back," Daryl turned on his heel, his blood rushing in his ears, barely holding it together.
"Oh don't worry," Ed called after him darkly. "I'll see that she gets it."
Daryl turned to meet Ed's piggy eyes glowering at him, not quite masking the intent behind them. He glared back, and somehow he knew this wasn't over. As he stormed back to the truck he was sure he could feel his father's eyes following him.
xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOx
Carol completed her shopping trip in a trance, daydreaming, mulling over her life and wondering how the hell it had come to this. Once upon a time she'd had dreams that far exceeded shoving a shopping cart down aisles she didn't need to visit, all so she could avoid going home. She knew Ed would be mad, but she couldn't bring herself to finish up and pay for her groceries. Being rid of him for a night had given her some much needed relief, and now that he was back all her burdens seemed to weigh twice as much on her shoulders. The thought of going back filled her with panic, but she knew the longer she postponed the inevitable, the worse it would be. The checkout girl smiled at her and the best she could manage was a twitch. Somehow people being nice made it harder. How could people be so different? Someone she didn't know, smiling sweetly at her, like she was a person rather than a thing? Ed never smiled at her. They'd been married for 13 years and he never smiled at her, not the way smiles are intended, anyway. This small observation made her want to give up and crumple into a ball right there on the shop floor, but she resisted, paying for her shopping and heading out to the car.
The drive back home was a blur. Carol didn't register a single turn of the steering wheel or pump of the brakes, her brain running on autopilot. The whole way home she stared blankly ahead, not seeing anything apart from the chaos in her mind. She wasn't going to cry. She bit down on her lip until it hurt, trying to keep the tears from pooling in her eyes. It seemed to work, and she sucked in deep lungfuls of air to repel them further. Tiny pinpricks of rain dotted the windscreen as the clouds billowed in the sky like murky water ripping through a riverbed. The beautiful weather from earlier had disappeared, much like her joyful mood from Saturday when Ed had set off on his trip. She'd felt so light, for the first time in years she'd felt like herself. He took it away as quickly as she'd found it. The sky wasn't the only thing churning now.
When she got home she immediately felt uneasy. There was a distinct sense of foreboding settling in to her body - something didn't feel quite right. The atmosphere outside was eerie and still, like the calm before a thunderstorm. It made her even more apprehensive about going inside. She would much rather be outside in the thunder and torrential rain than inside and dry, with him. Carol sat in the car for a minute, trying to think of a plausible reason why she'd been gone so long. Eventually she decided not to bother. Whatever reason she gave him, he would still find a way to put the blame on her. She took a deep breath and got out of the car.
Ed was sitting at the kitchen table, reading the sports pages when she struggled through the door with the bags. He didn't even look up, and that set alarm bells ringing in her head. He usually looked through the bags, demanded his change, asked her what the hell had took her so long, but he sat at the table as if she wasn't there. She crept into the kitchen and began to put the shopping away without a word, her back to him.
"Who's Daryl?" His voice was eerily calm.
Carol froze. Her mouth gaped as the words fell like bombs and her breathing ground to a halt. She felt fear grip her as she realised there was no way out of this. She turned slowly to face him, afraid of what look she might find on his face. "I- I don't kno-"
"You don't know him? Well that's funny cause he sure as hell seemed to know you when he showed up here earlier." Ed stood up, eyeballing her and producing her sweater. Carol's face dropped as she realised it was the one she'd worn on Saturday. "Somethin' you wanna tell me?"
"I knew Daryl years ago but I haven't seen-"
"Don't lie to me!" he snarled, lobbing the garment across the room at her, making her jump. "I know you went to Lori's behind my back and now I know why. You fucking around with this prick?"
"No, I swear I wouldn't-" she mumbled, backing away slightly.
"Who the hell is he?" He towered over her now, his shadow bearing down on her, blocking her escape.
"I haven't seen him for a long time-"
"You're a lying bitch! When were you gonna mention this party to me?" A vein in his temple pulsed as he asked the question, his voice booming now.
"I- I'm sorry, I was gonna but-"
"But you didn't. You went and cosied up to that redneck fuck! Do you know how that makes me look?" He looked crazed. She could have sworn his eyes were glowing red.
"Ed you're overreacting, I -"
Before she knew what was happening, he had a fistful of her dark curls in his grubby hand and he was hauling her across the hallway. She let out a helpless yowl of pain as he began his merciless ascent of the stairs, trailing her behind him like a pig to the slaughter.
"Ed please, you're hurting me!" she squealed, trying to stay on her feet.
Her frantic pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears as he dragged her into the bathroom. She strained against him like a frightened animal, her heart accelerating, trying to pull away from his grasp. She wriggled free momentarily before feeling his fingers bore holes in the soft flesh of her arm as he grabbed her back.
"Let me go!" she screeched, trying to wrestle herself free.
Suddenly her head exploded with pressure, spinning as if she'd been hit by a freight train as he brought the back of his hand down across her face, catching her on the temple. Stars and black spots danced in the near darkness of her vision and then she was on the floor, gripped tightly between his knees, her chest crumpling under the weight as he pinned her in place. She drifted in and out of consciousness for a moment, her hearing muffled as if she was under water. She could hear a faint buzzing sound, and was unsure if it was external or coming from inside her own head. His grip on her scalp tightened, and it was then she realised what he was doing.
Mechanically he began buzzing thick tresses of auburn, taking care to leave the wad of curls he was yanking her head around with. She wailed and tried to shrink away from him as she saw long swathes of her hair fall to the bathroom floor. He roughly jerked her head as he sawed at her beautiful locks. Her temple was stinging and she imagined from the pain she was in that she was bleeding. Her heart was flying in terror, so much that she feared it might give out. She wondered how far he was going to take this ordeal; she'd had beatings before but never in her life had she been this terrified. He'd never been anywhere near this wired. Her head throbbed and stung angrily under his grip and the way he had her pinned down meant getting away was impossible. She tried to go to that happy place in her mind, telling herself it would be over soon.
The last tuft of wild hair dropped onto the tiles and the buzzing stopped. Carol squinted at the dark spirals on the floor, her eyes stinging and her soul broken. Her beautiful hair, the one thing that made her feel feminine was gone. He had taken away the last part of her that made her feel like she was worth anything. She sat on the floor, huddled over, her arms shaking as she tried to support herself. She couldn't help the flinch as he bent over her, her eyes glimmering and wide with panic avoiding him, her face still burning in agony where he'd struck her.
"You're one nasty lookin' skank, you know that?" he snarled in her ear, his breath making her skin crawl. "You should be fuckin' grateful you got me, nobody else is gonna look twice at ya now." He slung the trimmer back on the cabinet and turned to go downstairs. "Get this cleaned up."
As his heavy footsteps fell on the stairs, she scrabbled to the door and locked it. Carol slid limply to the floor and curled into a ball, wrapping her arms around herself. Her body convulsed as physically disabling sobs possessed her. She lay on the bathroom floor, her face pressed into the cold tiles as she unravelled. Her sobbing left her breathless, forcing all the air out of her lungs, completely suffocating her like a fish out of water until the next wave rescued her. She cried until she was sick and then cried some more. When there were no tears left to shed, she just lay on the floor for what felt like forever in a numb void. She had nothing left. For a long time now, she had felt dead inside anyway.
Summoning what strength she could find in her barren reserves she hauled herself to her feet and threw open the door of the medicine cabinet. She raked through the contents, bottles spilling out into the sink. She fumbled blindly, not caring what came to her hands first, so long as they got the job done. A bottle of aspirin tablets found her hand. She stared at them for a moment before filling a glass with water. Carol popped the lid off and emptied the contents onto the counter. It was almost a full bottle, it would be enough.
As she gathered the first palmful in her trembling hand, she looked at the little round pills through watery eyes. This was it, she had finally reached the end. No going back. The gaping maw was looming in front of her, welcoming her in, and the sad truth was it frightened her less than the thought of staying here with him. Before she could get the pills to her mouth, a soft knocking at the door pulled her back from the edge of the black abyss.
"Mama, are you in there?"
Sophia. A small strangled sob tried to break free as her baby's sweet voice rang like an angel's sigh in Carol's ears and as she looked at the powdery white discs in her quivering palm, she was instantly disgusted with herself. The very thought of leaving her daughter behind to a life of misery with that monster downstairs made her want to throw up again. Not my Sophia. Not a chance.
"Yeah baby I'm here, I'll be right out."
Carol flushed the pills down the toilet, the sight of them making her guts wrench. The thought of what she had very nearly done sent horrid shivers through her exhausted body, like someone had walked over her grave. She scooped up handfuls of her lost hair and watched as they sunk into the bin. Carol swiped at her eyes and took a deep breath before opening the door to Sophia's angelic face.
"Mama, what happened?" Sophia gasped, looking up at her with watery eyes like saucers. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine sweetie. Come here." She pulled Sophia close and bent to kiss the top of her head, knowing the little girl knew exactly what had happened
In that moment, Carol clung to Sophia like a life raft out in the middle of the ocean. She was the only reason she was glad she hadn't opted out a few moments ago. She was wrong when she thought she had nothing left - Sophia was everything. Carol knew she had to keep going. No matter what that bastard threw at her, she would take it, because there was no way in hell she was going to take the easy way out, leaving Sophia alone with him. From now on, she would have to be a lot stronger. A lot was going to change, starting now.
