A/N: Hey! So I updated pretty quickly this time. As far as this chapter goes I'm not too sure how everyone's going to react to it. I promise I stuck with the storyline (We're now at the Madonna Episode!), but it does get a little "deeper" than my other chapters. I feel as if now's a good time to start having Santana express her feelings a bit more as opposed to confining them all. You'll see once you read. Please give me your input! I'll just say that I enjoy this chapter and I hope you do too! :)

Chapter 11 - Virgin

Just like I thought. It was quick. Too quick. That's exactly why I've grown fond of Puckerman. He may be selfish, but he sure as hell knows how to do the deed. And if I have to suffer through his occasional ramblings about video games just to have the opportunity, no, the pleasure of him, then that's okay by me.

But this is just sorry, almost pathetic. I got absolutely no benefit from this. If I didn't regret this choice to begin with, I sure as hell do now.

I crawled off and pulled my pink nightie down to cover my thighs. The sheets on the bed were scratchy and the thought of how often the motel actually cleaned them started to plague my fears like locust.

I wanted my underwear, but I felt too uncomfortable to search for them. Santana Lopez crawling around a grungy motel floor looking for her panties; not exactly something I'd be proud to demonstrate. I'm a pro at sex and all the before hand stuff, but once the after-bits roll around I'm a complete dolt. I guess I have another sexual characteristic to blame on Puckerman. With him I don't have to worry about after. He either leaves, or I leave. There's no conversation, no cuddling, nothing.

The bed we were on was small. It felt like we were Barbie and Ken in Brittany's little dollhouse. On a wretched tiny, hard, rickety bed doing exactly what Brittany suggested. Why did I listen to her? This is completely her fault. If she hadn't said that taking a guy's virginity would snag me a younger, inferior, man, then I wouldn't be in this horrifying situation. Since when did she get so good at planting motives and ideas inside my head? First with the comment about pretending she kissed me when she kissed boys, her asking me to play in the pool, and now this. I'm the one who's good at that. For goodness sake I made 'head cheerleader Quinn Fabray' join Glee Club.

Differing from popular belief, I liked having my space in bed, especially with someone so awkward. But there was nowhere for me to go. No chairs or couches inside the motel room and no window sill for me to lean against.

I stole a short glance back at Finn. Did I seriously just have sex with Finnocence? He was sitting with the covers over his lap completely void and emotionless.

Great.

I scooted back against the metal backboard of the bed and pulled the covers over my lap. I even folded my hands just like he was. If anything, at this moment, I didn't want to do something weird. I'd just given myself entirely to someone and no matter how many times I've had sex it doesn't get easier. Sure the during part is fun, but the after part is dreadful. It's exactly why I leave. I get with a guy then as soon as he's done I get gone.

So why wasn't I leaving? Instead I was sitting next to Finnocence waiting for his approval. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was the first guy to go out of his way for me. Some people call it chivalry, I call it annoying. He picked me up at my house, made small talk, asked me about Cheerios, asked if I wanted to get a bite to eat, and even asked what radio station I wanted to listen to. And when it came down to it, I was the one who pushed his courtesy aside.

Finn was the first guy-friend I had slept with. Well, as close as a friend other than Brittany could be. Finn and I had Glee rehearsals every day, and I would be lying if I said that hint of a miniscule bond hadn't formed between me and him. Sex with Finn wasn't like sleeping with Puck. Puckerman and me weren't friends. We were fuck-buddies, and one-million Glee rehearsals won't ever change that.

Don't get me wrong. I hate Finn. He annoys the shit out of me, but he's a small-tiny step above the Neanderthals at our school. I knew that it meant a lot for him to have sex, more than it does for the typical guy. And because it meant a lot to him, it meant a lot to me.

After last week with Brittany I would be naïve to think that I wouldn't have an adverse reaction to sleeping with a friend.

I left my hands on her thighs as she caught her breath. Her eyes were still closed, so it was okay for me to study her expressions. This must be what I looked like in the swimming pool. Flushed. Breathless. Soothed and exhilarated at the same time.

I wanted to crawl over her and brush her bangs away from her face. A few lonely strands were kinked and twisted. After I would brush her bangs away I would snuggle on top of her bare body, snuggle into her chest, and fall asleep.

Instead I snapped my hands away from her and start scooting away. I was forced to stop when my back hit the opposite arm rest. Brittany noticed my absence and opened her eyes. She found my fleeting eyes and smiled, but I couldn't bring myself to return that smile. Too many thoughts were parading my mind.

Before she noticed or became self-conscious of herself I slid down to the floor and scooped her sweats, underwear, and shirt into my arm. The clothing felt cool against my skin. My body was still hot and my heart was still jack-hammering.

I cursed my luck. Nobody was going to walk in and interrupt this after-phase. We were stuck. I was stuck.

With my eyes turned downward I handed her the pile of clothes.

"The boys are right about you." Brittany took the clothes, completely oblivious to my forming panic-attack. "You're really good." She said it without hesitation or embarrassment, just like she would state Happy Meals are the best birthday presents.

"Yeah well glad to hear I can back up my reputation." It came out snappy, even though I didn't want it too. But at this point it's the only tone of voice I could use that wouldn't be shaky or tear-filled.

Brittany slid her underwear and sweats on. "I didn't mean it like that." She continued to dress. "I just meant that, I liked it."

"Okay." I nodded and shrugged.

Brittany pulled her shirt on and plopped herself on the floor next to me. Her hand touched my thigh and I shuttered from the contact. My skin was still on fire and her hand sent a new wave of heat throughout my body.

I wanted her to do to me, what I had done to her, but there's no way I could handle the after part. Last time in the pool I had a near meltdown, and right now I'm just about to do the same thing. Any further progress and my head might implode.

So before she could go any further, twist my emotions tighter, or say something that might start me crying, I leaned down and rested my head on her lap. It was my only defense. I curled my body into itself and shut my eyes tight. Again the cool fabric of her sweatpants pressed against my face and fought against the heat scolding my cheeks. Within seconds I could feel my body temperature slowly normalizing.

A small gust of air brushed across my skin, and a thin layer of cloth consumed my body. Brittany had covered me with the blanket. She must have noticed that goose-bumps were crawling up my legs. Till that point I had forgotten that I was in my underwear and I hadn't noticed the chills across my skin.

Her hand pressed against the middle of my back. She didn't rub or pat me. She just kept her hand still. It was exactly the right amount of post-cuddling I could handle, and it was going pretty good considering it was my first time.

A passing semi honked twice from outside the open motel window and shook me awake from my memory.

"Do you think they have room service in this place? Cause I want a burger." I asked Finn. I couldn't take the awkwardness any longer and I knew if I didn't say something bitchy I would breakdown. If I just acted like this was typical for me, then Finn would stop being so weird.

I leaned away and began shuffling through the nightstand for a phone book.

"I thought I'd feel different after." Finn spoke into the stagnant room.

"Yeah." I leaned back against the bed's backboard with the frayed phonebook. "Well, I've noticed that it takes about twenty or so times before the feeling of accomplishment really kicks in."

Good. That helped build me back up. Just treat this like any other liaison and I'll be fine.

"There's no menu, so you're gonna have to take me to a burger joint." I insisted. A burger joint is way better than sitting here in this rock-hard bed, waiting to be judged. I preferred I didn't go anywhere with him, but I felt it was asking too much to tell him to take me home.

"How do you feel?" The question rolled off my tongue before I could stop it. I knew the answer was something I would regret hearing, but I couldn't wait any longer. I've never slept with a guy who didn't have immediate positive praise.

"I don't feel anything." Finn didn't even look at me when he spoke. "'Cause it didn't mean anything."

I swallowed the heavy sob that almost escaped, and almost choked. It didn't mean anything. Those words crowded and shoved away every other thought.

With more grace than I thought I could muster I reached for my cell phone and quickly sent a text.

Can I come over?

I set the phone on the nightstand and tossed the covers off my legs. Without turning to Finn I swung my knee-length pea coat over my shoulders and began slamming my feet into my heels.

"Where are you going?" Finn continued to speak with his monotonic boyish tenor.

"Puckerman's." I refused to look towards him. "This was a waste of my time. Call me when you know what you're doing."

I swung my purse across my shoulder with a little extra force and stormed out the door.

The hallway was deserted. Long, grungy, and barren. Good thing, because I couldn't hold back the cry that was begging to escape. My hand shot up to silence the momentary breakdown. Right now wasn't the time to run from a cheap motel room crying hysterically. I needed to keep myself together. After a short taxi ride I can fix this problem.

XXXxxxxXXXX

The taxi pulled up to the house. A porch-light was glowing above the front door and silhouetting the girl on the second wooden step. I handed the driver a twenty dollar bill and told him to keep the change.

It took all my strength to crawl out of the taxi. I was fighting back tears and fighting the urge to tell the driver to just speed away and take me home. But I opened the door and stepped out into the cool evening. Definitely too cool to be wearing a lacy nightgown (minus the underwear) and a pea coat.

The heels I was wearing clicked across the pavement as I approached. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and smiled at Brittany. She held a cup of milk pinched between her knees and waved. Her tight-lipped smile signaled that she had a large mouthful of cookies stuffed in her cheeks.

I took one step up, turned, and sat next to the blonde.

"Want a cookie?" She asked with her hand over her mouth, holding back the cookie-chunks trying to escape.

"I think you ate them all." I looked at the empty plate behind her in an attempt to distract from my struggling voice. But its sullen quietness had betrayed me. There's no way Britt won't notice.

She held her cup of milk towards me and shook it until a small chocolate chip cookie floated to the top. "They're hard to grab now. I was kinda just waiting for it to get completely mushy so I can drink it like a milkshake, but you can have it if you want."

Her cute-generosity caused me to laugh. But that laugh quickly changed. The small amount of emotion I had allowed to escape my lips derailed and turned negative. The next noise that escaped me wasn't a laugh, but was a resistant whimper.

And the flood gates poured. The sobs were ragged and painful, because I was trying to constrain them. Finn (out of all people) had wrenched out and stomped on every last shred of humanity I had left.

I shoved my palms over my eyes and tried to force the tears back in. It was useless though.

I opened my eyes to find my head once again in Brittany's lap. Who knows if she pulled me into her, or if I laid on her…I didn't even know how much time had passed.

"It's okay San." Brittany spoke from above me and brush her fingers through my hair.

The recollection of how I'd put her in this position before smothered me. How could I be so selfish? I swore to myself that I would never breakdown like this again in front of her. Trying to abide by my promise I sat up from Brittany's lap.

Her lip pouted at the sight of me.

"Look." She dug in her pocket. "I brought you this to make you feel better." She extended her palm towards me holding a purple jolly rancher.

I used the back of my hand to lazily wipe away the tears. "How'd you know I would need to feel better?" I laughed again, but this time the accompanying tears didn't follow.

"Well," She set the candy in my open hand. "You asked if you could come over. Usually you just say you're on your way. And I'm your best friend; I'm supposed to know this stuff."

I unwrapped the candy, but waited to put it in my mouth. I was trying to think of how to tell Brittany about what had happened and why I was crying like this. Maybe I shouldn't…and couldn't. When I looked at her, she was waiting for me. Not impatiently. Just waiting.

I couldn't leave her hanging. She'd waited outside on her porch to keep the conversation private, brought me a jolly rancher, was eating mushy cookies instead of running inside to get fresh ones, and knew she was going to have comfort me.

"It didn't go well with Finn." I said and shoved the candy into my mouth. If I clanked the jolly rancher around my teeth, maybe it would drown out Finn's recent confession that had driven me to run away from a motel room crying.

"That figures. It was probably like trying to do it with Wall-E." She smiled. And when I didn't respond she continued. "Whatever he said…it's not true. You know that."

"He said I didn't matter. That sex with me meant nothing." I turned my neck to look directly at her. Again my eyes flooded with tears, but I refused to let them fall.

A scowl crossed Brittany's face. "Duh." She crossed her arms.

I returned with an echoing scowl.

"He's a dummy San. He's too obsessed with Rachel to figure out that he slept with the hottest girl in the world. Which is totally insane, cause I'm pretty sure Rachel Berry is Hagrid, groundskeeper of Hogwarts."

Another laugh escaped my lips. I adored how Brittany always thought of the best Rachel Berry insults. I'll have to keep that one in my back pocket.

"Crap." I slapped my hand to my forehead. "Coach Sylvester's gonna find out."

"That Finn has a Harry Potter fetish?" Brittany questioned.

"No." I cringed at the thought of what she would do to me. "That I don't have a younger man. All of this nonsense was for nothing. If anything it made Finn hate me even more than he already did."

"It wasn't for nothing." Brittany said the last word softly trying to hint at something.

I tried to think of what she would be hinting at, but answers escaped me. No way could sex with Finn be a positive thing. Afterwards I turned up on Brittany's doorstep like a blubbering idiot, and blew my one shot at a suitable boyfriend that would put me in Sue's good graces.

"It got you to come hang out." She shrugged.

That answer from Brittany was true, but it was only scratching the surface. I would have come over anyway. There was something she wasn't saying, and something I suddenly needed to force out of her.

"How was sleeping with Finn a good thing?" I reworded the question. Maybe I could trick her into answering it.

She shrugged again. "Remember what you said to me that one day after Celibacy Club? After I told you I had sex with all those guys."

My stomach dropped and brought me back to Karofsky's comment about Brittany doing it with anyone. I had tried to shove away my confusion about the issue, but it had creeped itself back. Recently it had snuck from the back of my mind and was whispering contradictions.

She does it with anyone.

You're her best friend.

Why are you doing it with her, when you could get any guy in the school?

What if someone found out?

But it's just two friends fooling around. Having fun.

It's nothing serious.

"Yeah?" I responded and again shoved away the thoughts.

"Well do you remember what else you said?" She asked.

I shook my head no.

"You said who cares what others think of you and sex shouldn't define who you are. And it only matters what I think." She quoted me.

I was in awe that she could remember that. Not only was she in tears at the time, but it was so long ago that I barely remembered my own words. But I did remember pleading with her to be okay.

I nodded, completely lost for words.

"Well I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to say that. We are best friends and I just want to make sure you to know that. And it only matters what I think." Brittany placed her hand on my knee. The touch wasn't intimate, but it was something that truly defined how close we really are.

"What do you think?" I braved the question. I wanted to tack on, about doing stuff with me or about our relationship, but I wasn't quite that brave.

She paused to think. I knew I had caught her. She was digging, searching, and probing her mind for the one response that would fit this exact circumstance. Brittany knew exactly what I was asking. She knew that our friendship had changed…or evolved and no matter how indifferent and detached she sometimes acts about the situation I know she thinks about it.

"Thaaatt…" She suspended her response. "Finn was wrong about what he said. And you mean something."

She didn't come out and directly say it, but she hinted at the question I had hidden and handed to her. Underneath her Brittany-shell, she was giving me an answer (however vague it was). I meant something. Whether it was about how others felt about me, about how Finn felt, or about how she felt…

And I know she would come out and say it if it wouldn't have caused me to drop the topic like a sack of potatoes. I'm the kind of person that is reserved. I don't express how I feel about relationships, and she knows that. She knows my actions speak loud and trying to force words will only push me away.

I asked a vague question, and got my vague response.

A/N: Quick addition. I originally posted this story without this note in it, but I wanted to comment on the beginning of this chapter. After a review, and a little bit of thinking, I'm hoping the "Vague" description of who Santana's with at the start was clear. She's with Finn at the motel (the Madonna episode). Initially I was going to title this chapter "Vague", but ultimately changed it to "Virgin" seeing as how I thought it fit better. I tried to keep Finn's identity hidden for a bit, because I was trying to tie it in with the last chapter. As a reader I wanted people to think it was Brittany, because I was trying to make a connection between how Santana see's "sex" with guys (Finn) and how she sees it with Brittany. If that didn't come across properly I truly apologize.