Chapter 11
Will
Shadows have crept silently to fill the barren streets by the time we reach Kate's house, staining the greying tarpaulins inky black. Not long after we return, Kate has to leave for a committee meeting, so Tris and I are left alone for the first time since she shot me. We sit side by side on her bed, close but not touching – there seems to be some kind of invisible barrier separating us. Our silence fills the room, the unsaid words hanging tantalisingly in the air between us, daring us to voice those things we are unable to say. Tris twists a strand of hair around her finger nervously, staring at her lap and trying to avoid my gaze. I feel the tension growing until I need to say something to break the impenetrable silence, but then she speaks, her voice far from the strong, brave Tris that I knew during initiation.
"Christina," Tris begins, then pauses, takes a breath, and continues. "Christina, she thought you were dead, and she knew…she knew that I had shot you. I told her when I was given truth serum by Candor, I just couldn't lie to her about it, but I don't think she ever really forgave me." A tear drops onto Tris's lap, but she doesn't move to wipe her eyes, but just carries on, the words flowing from her like an unstoppable wave. "And I couldn't forgive myself either, knowing what I'd done to you, and to her. Just because all I saw you as was Jeanine's puppet, I couldn't see you as still being you on the inside." She suddenly looks up at me, her eyes wide and pleading, begging me to understand. "But I'd just watched them shoot my innocent mother as she tried to save me, I couldn't…I didn't mean…" Tris finally succumbs to tears, sobbing uncontrollably.
Instinctively, I wrap my arms around her, pulling her head onto my chest. I can feel her tears seeping into my shirt, but I don't pull away. I just rock her back and forth and let all the pain flow from her. Of course I forgive her, but can she forgive me? I could so easily have killed her then, without ever knowing my crime. I wish I had been strong enough to defeat the simulation, to stop myself from murdering who knows how many innocent Abnegation. I try to find the words to voice my thoughts, but I've never had the eloquence that Tris possesses.
Her sobs are fading by the time my mind drifts to Christina. I remember the short time we spent together during Dauntless initiation, our first kiss by the railway line. I'd never met anyone like her at Erudite – confident, caring, free. I realise that I've spent too long here in the fringe, hiding from a city that presumed me dead. I need to return home.
Preoccupied by my thoughts, I haven't noticed that darkness has truly fallen now, and all I can see of Tris is a mere silhouette.
"Tris," I mutter, shaking her shoulders gently.
"What is it?" Her voice is hoarse from crying.
"Look, I know you haven't spent much time here with Kate so far, but-" I shift uncomfortably, not sure how to phrase it. "I think it's time for me to go back to Chicago. Christina's there, and Cara and my parents, I can't hide from them any longer."
"Really?" Tris says, her voice stronger. "I didn't want to push you into leaving when you didn't want to, I can see how close you and Kate have become. It's not that I don't appreciate what she's done for me here, but I can't spend much longer here either, I need to see Tobias again, so he can know I'm still alive."
In her eyes, I see the same eagerness to act that I'm feeling, the urge to get moving as soon as possible.
"We'll talk to Kate in the morning," I promise. "But now, we should get some sleep, especially if we're going to be travelling tomorrow."
I leave Tris and walk down the hall to the living room, thinking that dawn couldn't come soon enough.
