A/N: Okay, 11th chapter up and running! So what's going to happen between Riley and Kay? And Kay and Lance? And Lily and James?
Disclaimer: see previous chapter if you REALLY don't know what goes here...
Tears on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 11: Of Nicknames, More Secrets, & Roommates
Needless to say, the Halloween feast didn't start out as an enjoyable experience for Lily considering neither Riley nor Kay bothered to show up. Throughout the day, Riley avoided Kay at all costs and Kay walked around in a disappointed haze. While avoiding each other, they left Lily to her own devices as well and Lily wasn't sure what to make of it. She was split between her best friends and she couldn't help but wonder how much longer this would go on. Lily knew that Riley's stubbornness would keep her frustrated and angry, refusing to speak to Kay. And Kay was clearly too upset and disappointed to bother seeking out Riley. Kay would moan about Riley being unfair and Riley would rant about Kay being backstabber. And Lily was left smack dab in the middle of it all. She was sinking to the bottom of a tumultuous ocean, kicking her legs to get to the top and unable to do so. She felt like she was just floating in the middle of that dark, cold water daring to hold on to dear life while she waited for everyone around her to figure out what the next move was going to be.
So that Halloween evening at the feast she was forced to sit with her not-so-favorite people. The Marauders.
After Dumbledore's speech and his thanks to the prefects and to especially Lily and James for the decorations, the tables filled up with hoards of delicious food and the chatter in the Great Hall died down as everyone shoveled forkfuls of food into their mouth.
In the midst of silence, something Lily found unusual for the Marauders, Sirius asked, "Hm…when cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?"
Lily glanced up from her shepherd's pie and stared at him in bewilderment. "What?"
"Ignore him," Remus said, digging into another piece of chicken. "He does that a lot."
"Does what?" Lily asked curiously.
"And if corn can't hear why do they have ears?" Sirius asked again, staring at the corn cob in front of him.
"That," James explained, which made the rest of them burst into laughter.
"How come you guys never answer my questions?" Sirius whined, giving them his famous puppy-dog face.
"Because they're stupid," Remus claimed. "There. I answered one of your questions."
Sirius glared at him. "Not exactly what I was referring to."
Remus shrugged. "Your questions don't deserve answers."
Sirius pouted. "And I call you my friend, Moony? My questions are an attempt to enrich-"
"Moony?" Lily questioned.
"Uh…just a nickname," Sirius said nervously, getting kicked in the shins from Remus across the table. "OW!"
Remus glared at him but quickly turned it into an innocent smile when Lily looked up at him curiously.
"Why Moony?" Lily questioned, putting down her fork and looking at them all in intrigue.
They all exchanged looks until James finally spoke up. "Oh…um…well…" he paused, glancing at the rest hoping for some help, but it looked like he was on his own. "Okay, uh…well, a few years ago, we all visited Peter at his grandparents," he said slowly. "And…and they live in a Muggle town so we had to drive obviously. Well…uh...Peter's older cousin drove us to the beach one day and we were playing truth or dare and we dared Remus to moon the car next to us. So he did. See? Moony!" James finished with an extremely proud look on his face for making up a story on the spot.
Remus, Sirius, and Peter stared at him with shared looks of repulsion and incredulity, and by the looks on their faces, Lily knew very well that James was making up that story. She couldn't help but burst into laughter.
Remus threw a piece of bread at James.
"HEY!"
"Don't listen to him. It's because I'm a fan of Astronomy, and I just happen to like the moon. I-I keep track of the phases and everything," Remus explained which wasn't a complete lie, giving James a hopeless look.
"Oh yeah, that too," James muttered.
"You like Astronomy?" Lily asked Remus, rolling her eyes at James.
Remus nodded.
Lily smiled, intrigued. "I love Astronomy, too."
Remus grinned. "Really?"
"Yeah. When I'm…home," she said hesitantly, "I love just sitting out on my rooftop and watching the stars at night. I do it here too…all the time. It reminds me of home." She sighed inwardly. She started the tradition when she was just a little girl so every time she actually did get a chance to look at the stars at Hogwarts, it always brought back the memories of her parents. Her orphanage was in the middle of a big city so she never really got a chance to look at the stars there and it always just made her that much more homesick.
"Next time I'm going up to the Astronomy Tower to stargaze, I'll come find you," Remus said with a friendly grin.
Sirius snickered. "Stargaze?"
Remus and Lily glared at him. "Yes, stargaze," Remus reiterated.
"A.k.a. he wants to have wild and passionate animal sex with-"
"SIRIUS!" Lily and Remus screamed out, earning glares from the people around them.
"Oops, have I given away your master plan, Remus?" Sirius smirked.
"You're lucky I'm sitting across the table from you so my grip wouldn't be exactly suitable for strangling you right about now but I hope you know the minute we get up from this table, you're dead," Remus explained.
Sirius grinned. "That's a yes."
Lily slapped him lightly on the shoulder. "Just be glad I'm a girl and I have too much of a conscience to hit you harder."
Sirius laughed. "I'm used to having men around. This whole you-hanging-around-us, how long is that going to last?" he joked.
Lily hit him harder.
"OW!" Sirius cried, rubbing his shoulder. "What happened to your conscience?"
"I forgot that this was you we were talking about."
They all laughed, even Lily, and she couldn't help but realize she was almost enjoying the time spent with the Marauders. It was getting her mind off of what was going on with Riley and Kay and for that, she was grateful.
"You know my story could have been true," James pouted, slamming his fork defeatedly into his mashed potatoes.
"Except I would never moon someone," Remus said, shuddering in disgust. "That's something Sirius would do."
"Hey!" Sirius whined. "Could we put a hold on picking on Sirius?"
They all exchanged looks. "Then what would we do with all of our time?" Remus asked.
"Perhaps if you stopped picking on me long enough, you'd realize there's such a thing called women and even sex," Sirius stated with a grin.
Lily groaned. "Oh please don't corrupt Remus. He's the only logical one in this group."
James and Sirius exchanged a glance before bursting into hysterical laughter, earning a glare from both Remus and Lily. "Oh please, Remus was corrupted years ago," James explained.
"Yeah, the first time I walked in on Sirius and a girl," Remus murmured, shuddering.
"Ahh, yes, Gessica Wicks," he said dreamily. "Merlin, was she a goddess."
"Yes, I think I remember you screaming that out," Remus muttered.
Sirius laughed and threw a piece of chicken at him, causing Remus to retaliate by throwing a piece of bread at him.
"No food fights!" Lily scolded, glaring at them. "Remus, I expect better from you."
Sirius' eyebrow perched. "Not me?"
"The guy talking about sex at the dinner table? No, I pretty much don't expect anything from you. Ever." Lily flashed him a smile.
"Oh, please, we barely grazed upon the subject of sex. We could go into the nitty-gritty details if you'd-"
Lily stuffed a piece of chicken in his mouth to shut him up. "Must you be so crude?"
He grinned, swallowing the chicken whole and licking his fingers. "Of course," he said. "That's my role as a Marauder. Remus is the logical one, as you already suggested, James is the brilliant one, Peter is the stealthy one, and I am the crude one."
"Aw, you think I'm brilliant?" James said with a teasing smile.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "You got Head Boy, did you not?"
"Not sure how," Lily interjected, her eyes gleaming with amusement.
"Because I'm brilliant. Haven't we gone over this already?"
"You may be brilliant, unfortunately I cannot deny that, but brilliance does not make one responsible enough to be Head Boy."
"I showed up last night!" he whined.
Lily sighed, a slight smile spreading across her face. "Yeah," she said with a shrug. "Yeah, you did."
Remus, Sirius, and Peter exchanged a look, having expected a biting remark from Lily. It wasn't like Lily to just give in, recognizing even a slight responsible side to James.
"So where are Gilmore and Kay?" Sirius asked curiously.
Lily frowned. "Avoiding each other?" she muttered.
"Oh, still fighting?"
"No. Fighting entails them being in the same room for longer than two seconds. They're just avoiding each other."
"What happened?" Sirius dared to ask.
"Nothing," Lily was quick to dispute. "At least nothing that concerns you."
Sirius couldn't help but be a tad curious, but even being the inquisitive one he was, he kept his mouth shut. He could tell that whatever it was, it bothered Lily and he didn't want to make matters worse.
James spoke up. "Ah, well, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too. I don't know when they'll stop this avoiding each other charade, but-"
"No, I meant I'm sorry for you."
She glanced at him inquisitively. "What?"
He shrugged, glancing furtively at Remus before returning his gaze back towards Lily. "I know you're stuck in the middle of a fight you can't fix. A fight that is causing tension within your friends, making you feel lost, confused, and most of all, helpless. And that sucks. So I'm sorry."
She looked up at him in awe, speechless. That almost sounded like compassion and understanding. But James Potter dare not show compassion, right? "Um...thanks. I think."
He shrugged dismissively, reaching over to butter a biscuit.
"Wait a minute, if you're turning into the logical one, does that make Moony the brilliant one?" Sirius asked, furrowing his brow.
"More believable than you becoming the brilliant one," Remus snorted. "Or the logical one, for that matter."
"Like I'd want to be either. I'll stick with being crude, thank you very much!"
"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me," Lily said, shaking her head in disbelief. "You're going to die crude, m'friend."
"As opposed to Remus dying logical, James dying brilliant, and myself dying stealthy?" Peter asked curiously.
"Can we not talk about dying?" James said, frowning. "If you thought sex was an inappropriate conversation for the dinner table, I'm calling talk of death depressing. Extremely depressing."
Lily was going to retort that she was joking, but the words didn't come. Because in all honesty, any talk of death, even in a teasing manner, was often hard to swallow when they were constantly reading up on unjust and unexpected deaths every day in the Daily Prophet. When she glanced over at him to apologize, there was such a frazzled, defeated look on his face, she was surprised to realize she felt bad for him. Only took six years and two months, but yes, she actually genuinely felt an emotion towards him besides hatred or repulsion. "What's going on in the wizarding world is depressing," she found herself saying.
She blushed when she felt four pairs of eyes staring intensely at her. No one spoke. They just stared.
She speared her fork into her peas with a grunt. "Didn't mean to bring the conversation down," she apologized.
"You didn't," Sirius was quick to argue. "I think we all think about what's going on in the wizarding world even if and when we don't admit it aloud."
"Yeah, but Potter did ask that we not talk about it," Lily pointed out with a shrug. "So let's not talk about it."
Silence followed. An awkward silence.
"What do you think is waiting for us after we graduate?" Peter asked.
"What happened to not talking about it?" James groaned.
Peter shrugged. "It's a legitimate question. I'm sure we've all thought about it."
No one responded because they knew he was right. Of course they've all thought about it. How could they not? With daily articles about the wizarding world slowly becoming unhinged and destroyed and with so much mention of Voldemort and his plans and the split beliefs of all witches and wizards, it took a toll on everyone. Even seventeen-year-olds who had no idea what to expect. "How about we just enjoy our time at Hogwarts for the time-being and think about the future on a night when we're not in a celebratory Halloween mood?" Lily said with a lopsided smile.
"Deal," James said a little too quickly.
"Uh-oh," Sirius sighed, shaking his head. "Seems to me Lily's taking over Remus' position as the logical one. Is there room for two?"
"Seems to me she's also the brilliant one," James complimented, sipping his pumpkin juice casually.
"Not crude, though," she quickly interjected, shaking her head. "Though I can't argue for or against stealth. Sneaking out and creeping around this school wasn't ever my thing. Can't say I've ever done it."
"You've never snuck out?" Sirius asked, dumbfounded. "Not even once?"
She shrugged. "Are you surprised?"
"Considering your friend is Gilmore who has snuck into Hogsmeade numerous times during her Hogwarts career, yes, I"m surprised."
"Yeah, well, I'm not Riley."
"Thank Merlin for that," he murmured into his plate. "We don't need two Gilmores walking this Earth."
"Technically, there are six Gilmores. Eight if you count her parents," Remus pointed out.
Sirius scowled. "Damnit, sometimes, I hate that you're the logical one! We need a dumb Marauder and I'm voting you, Remus."
"Eh, we've got James for that."
"Ditto to that," Lily said, ducking as James attempted to throw a biscuit at her.
"How can I be brilliant and dumb at the same time?"
"You'll figure it out. You're brilliant like that," Lily said with an amused smile.
"Ah, so admitting I'm brilliant, are we?" James said, his heart skipping a beat as the dimples framed her cheeks. "Only took you six years."
"Don't let it go to your head," she argued, rolling her eyes. "You already knew you were brilliant. You don't need me telling you that."
"No, but it's nice to hear you say it," he said with a shrug.
She met his gaze and smiled.
James smiled back.
"Er...would you two like to be alone?" Sirius teased.
Lily threw a piece of biscuit at his forehead. "To sorta steal the words out of your own mouth, I sometimes hate that you're the crude one!"
Sirius grinned and chucked the biscuit into his mouth. "Personally, I think I have the best role."
Lily laughed, not surprised by the response. She couldn't believe how much she was smiling and laughing considering the company she was surrounded by. And yet, she could honestly say she enjoyed herself. She would go as far as to say she had fun. She had obviously spent brief moments with Remus and Sirius in the past, but it was difficult to have fun with them when she was actively avoiding spending any time with James and Sirius was actively avoiding spending any time with Riley. Lily felt her heart constrict when her eyes instinctively peeked over at James. Perhaps if they could put aside their differences, she may actually see herself spending more time with the Marauders. Especially if Riley and Kay were going to continue acting like children.
Being around the Marauders gave her a different view on life, as cheesy at that sounded. But they knew how to live in the moment, how to just enjoy themselves without letting anything outside of the four of them affect the way they lived. Their friendship was something Lily had always been jealous of, not that she would ever admit it. They were closer than kin, cared about each other for their successes and their flaws. Accepted each other for who they were, Sirius Black being a prime example. They didn't care what others thoughts and didn't let anyone interfere with their friendship. They were a breath of fresh air. And for once, she felt her guard become unhinged slightly as she let the four of them give her a reason to smile and laugh. She had always been so afraid of her past and she feared for the future. And at the Halloween feast, she didn't worry about either. She lived in the present for once and owed that to the Marauders. And the strangest part of that evening, she didn't hate it.
But she couldn't help but wonder when Riley and Kay were going to start being friends again. She didn't think she could go that long without talking to her girlfriends.
Later that night, after the feast had forced most of the students into a food coma, Riley and Sirius were in the library working on their Advanced Transfiguration project since a draft was due within the next week.
Riley was abnormally quiet that night and Sirius couldn't help notice that every few minutes or so, she'd look away from her work and stare into space inadvertently. However, Riley glared at him whenever he even tried to open his mouth, a glare filled with more hatred than ever before, and refused to let him get in two words. He barely spoke all night. Riley had taken charge and made it known that if he made any unnecessary comments or gestures she'd turn him into a rat or chuck a book at his head. So Sirius was quick to shut his mouth. But after watching her turn away from her work for the hundredth time that night and hearing her sigh deeply, he couldn't hold it in any longer.
"Okay, what the hell is wrong with you?"
Riley shook her head out of her fantasy world long enough to glare at him and then return back to work. He knew what that glare meant—it meant that if he asked any more questions, he'd be rat stew for dinner the next night.
Apparently, he liked rat stew because he continued to annoy her. He grabbed her quill away from her, waiting for her to burst into a long frenzied lecture.
Only nothing happened.
She simply shot him another irritated look and then dug into her bag for another quill, surprising Sirius. He was shocked she didn't bark at him.
"You have to speak some time, Gilmore," he growled, grabbing her other quill.
A fiery determination shone in her eyes, and she rummaged through her bag for another quill, coming up with her last and holding a tighter grip on it as she tried to finish the page, refusing to look up at Sirius.
"Gilmore, look at me."
"No."
"Gilmore, put down the quill."
"No."
"Gilmore, say something!"
"No."
"Gilmore! Put down those damn charts!"
"No."
"Damnit, Gilmore!" Sirius cried, throwing her quills back at her, hating the fact that he can never win with her. "I hate this uncomfortable silence! And I hate it when you yell at me for getting distracted, yet that's what you're doing right now. What the hell is wrong with you? We've been here for longer than necessary and we still haven't reached the last page!"
"Black, if you weren't talking right now, we could get this done faster."
"And if you weren't staring off in space, we could get this done even faster."
"I am not staring off in space," she responded stubbornly, finally looking up at him to give him an icy glare.
He snorted. "Like hell you're not," he replied angrily. "You're like a little antsy child on Christmas morning!"
"Wrong holiday, it's Halloween," she mumbled, rolling her eyes.
"Thank you Captain Obvious," he snapped. "But considering you missed the feast, I assumed you forgot it was Halloween."
There was an unreadable flicker in her eye that quickly returned to a stony glare. "Let's just get back to work."
"Why are you so anxious?" he dared to ask.
Riley glared at him. "I'm not anxious for anything, you prat. I'm just annoyed that I have to be stuck up here with you by my side for over an hour."
"Well, no one is stopping you from leaving."
"Sod off, Black," Riley argued, going back to her work. "Can't you ever just shut up?"
"No," he said, putting his quill down on the table and crossing his arms. "Seriously, Gilmore, what's going on? I know you're upset about something."
She tried shooting him a glare, but she know she just looked sad. She turned away, glancing back down at her parchment.
"Gilmore?"
She let out a deep breath, doing her seething silently. She was trying very hard to ignore him, but every time he spoke and asked her what was wrong, a flashback of that morning with Kay flickered in her mind. "I'm really not in the mood for this, Black," she said, shaking her head. "So if you wouldn't mind either finishing up in silence or just leaving the library and I'll do the rest of the work myself, that would be much appreciated."
He sighed. "I'm not doing either."
"Fine. Sit there. See if I care."
"Oh, you will."
She grunted. "Oh, really? And why's that, Mr. Smartypants?"
He laughed at her pathetic insult and then replied, "Because I'll be singing the whole time. 'I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes: I know a song that-'"
"ARGH!" Riley shouted throwing a quill at his face to shut him up. "You're right, you're right. I do care!"
Sirius grinned victoriously. "Do I know how to annoy a person or what?"
"Yes, congratulations, you know how to get under my skin," she snarled. "Now shut up, will ya?"
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"No!"
"'I know a song that gets on every-'"
"SHUT UP!"
"SHHH!" Madam Pinsky, the librarian, whispered from the front desk.
Sirius laughed and felt himself flailing his arms about and trying to grab the table as Riley literally shoved him backwards off his chair. He landed on the ground, flat on his back, with a loud thud, getting another hushed "Shhh" from Madam Pinsky.
"Laugh at that, Funny-boy," she snapped, collecting all of her things quickly and throwing them into her bag. With another glare at Sirius, she swung her bag over her head and rushed out of the library, vowing to finish the work in her bedroom.
He picked himself up and quickly shuffled together all of his papers. He shot Madam Pinsky his prize-winning charming smile as he chased Riley out the door.
"Why are you still following me?" Riley groaned, not even bothering to turn around. She already knew who it was.
"Because it's obvious you're upset about something and I'm curious."
"Why? So you can throw it back in my face later? I don't think so, Black," she snarled, still walking hurriedly in front of him, practically running away from him.
He sighed. "No, because it's obvious you're hurting. It's clearly weighing heavily on your mind, so much that you neglected to finish your work."
"No, I neglected to finish my work because of a little thing called you."
Sirius finally caught up to her and grabbed her arm tightly, refusing to let her just walk away. "Is this about what happened this morning between you and Kay?"
Riley whirled around, snatching her arm back. "What do you know about this morning?"
"Not much considering I'm not about to take the word of a gossiping fifth-year Hufflepuff," Sirius admitted.
Riley didn't know how to answer that. She sighed, crossed her arms, and stared at the ground in obvious disappointment. "Great. Now the whole school is talking about me," she mumbled, rubbing her temples.
"Well don't listen to them. They know nothing anyway and would much rather stretch the truth than actually tell the truth," Sirius said with a reassuring shrug.
"Hm, I wonder where they get that from," she replied sarcastically, glaring at him.
He rolled his eyes. "If you listened to the gossip, I believe the exact words were that Kay would be pregnant with her half-brother's child and you are running away with him to elope."
Riley snapped her head up and gave him a disgusted look. "What? People are really saying that?"
Sirius nodded. "Like I said, the Hufflepuffs are known for exaggerating the truth into a long line of lies for the whole school to believe. The only ones who know what really happened this morning are you, Riley, and Lily. And if anyone in this school just uses their brain, they'll realize what the Hufflepuffs are saying are a bunch of ridiculous rumors."
"I know," Riley muttered. "I'm not…mad about that. I don't really care what people are saying about me. I just…I just want this all to go away." Her voice was hoarse, hurt even.
"Want what to go away?" Sirius asked gently.
Riley turned away from him as tears quickly sprang to her eyes. "I don't want to talk about it," she muttered through gritted teeth. He noted the waver in her voice. "Especially with a guy I have learned to hate over the past two years."
Sirius sighed at those words, hesitating and thinking it over before speaking. "I guess I deserved that," he muttered, running his fingers haggardly through his hair. "But just so you know, I...I don't hate you. Never have. Never will," Sirius said awkwardly.
Riley turned to look up at him and Sirius stepped back, seeing intense anger flashing in her eyes. "Why should you? You have no reason to. You weren't the one left completely hurt and betrayed. I didn't break your heart. You broke mine." She cringed, realizing too late that she was laying her vulnerability on the line for the one guy she said she never would.
Sirius turned away, sighing. "You know, this is the second time within two months that you have mentioned what happened and-"
"So?"
Sirius gave her a look. "It's been almost two years and you have failed to mention it until that one time in Advanced Transfiguration. I just...I just wonder if...if perhaps you..."
"Black, what are you trying to say?" she interrupted vehemently, crossing her arms angrily.
He stared at her for a long few seconds and then looked down to stare at his twiddling thumbs. "I don't know," he admitted in a murmur. "I just...maybe it's time you listened while I explained myself."
"No," Riley said firmly.
"What?"
"No," she replied, glaring at him. "I didn't want an explanation then and I don't want one now."
"But-"
"Nothing good can come out of that."
"But-"
"Black, no. I don't want to relive any of it. I've tried to push it so far out of my mind and I do not need you bringing it up."
Sirius crossed his arms in frustration. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you were the one who brought it up."
Riley gave him one of her infamous deathly glares. "Yeah, and I'm sorry that I did that. I didn't realize you would harp on it. But it really doesn't matter what you have to say about it because it's over. It's in the past," she snarled. "And now I'm going back to the common room and you will not follow me."
"Gilmore, if-"
"I'll meet you in the library tomorrow night same time and hopefully I won't see you until then," she continued, giving him on last evil glare before whirling around and rushing away from him.
Sirius sighed and leaned against the wall in defeat. He rubbed his eyes and watched her run away from him. It seemed that that was all she ever did to him. Not that he blamed her.
He thought about that Christmas Break two years earlier. A Christmas Break that constantly lived in his memory, memories filled with what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. The look on her face when she walked down from the dormitory stairs after hearing everything James, Remus, and Peter had said would forever be ingrained in his mind. It was the first look he ever received from her that showed such distaste and pain. It wasn't the last.
Sirius had genuinely liked Riley. In fact, he liked her more than he knew how to deal with. She had always been the girl he turned to, the girl who had been there for him during everything. They had shared things with each other that James didn't even know about. When he was with her, he forgot about everything else. She made it easy living the life he had forced himself to live. She had believed in him and it made him believe in himself. And it was fear and panic that caused him to make the stupidest decision in his entire existence. He always blamed it on the alcohol he had consumed that evening, but it wasn't the alcohol at all. He knew he was making a mistake the moment he did it and he did it anyway.
Sirius and Riley were best friends for four years. But the Friday night before the train was to depart to King's Station for the holidays, they became more than friends. The two of them snuck into Hogsmeade to celebrate Riley's belated birthday and spent the night drinking, dancing, and enjoying each other's company. It was outside Three Broomsticks, Riley's back up against the stone wall where they kissed for the first time. And it was in an empty classroom only a corridor away from the one-eyed witch where they slept together for the first time. No one ever knew about it but them. Maybe they were slightly embarrassed or maybe they were afraid, but in a way, neither wanted to ruin the beauty of that evening by gossiping to their friends about it.
Neither really knew where they stood. They admitted that they had feelings for each other, admitted that perhaps they wanted to figure out what they were to each other. But, and chalk it up to bad timing, Sirius headed home with James for Christmas Break, leaving Riley behind at Hogwarts.
During break, Sirius got, for lack of a better word, cold feet. He never had feelings for a girl before. He had no idea how to handle it. He had always been a love them and leave them kind of guy, using the girl for a few private hook-ups before moving on to the next. He knew with Riley it was different. That he didn't feel the desire to just drop her like the others, but those feelings worried him. And without Riley there to show him what he truly wanted and needed, he took the easy way out and tried to figure out what guy he really was by sleeping with James' cousin on New Year's Eve. After an emotionless roll in the sack with Rhea, Sirius realized his life wasn't complete without Riley. He was going to return to Hogwarts and lay his soul on the line for her, praying it wouldn't end badly.
He was never able to do so.
James, Peter, and Remus were joking about Rhea with Sirius in the Gryffindor common room only hours after he had returned to Hogwarts and Riley overheard every word.
She refused to listen to Sirius' excuses or explanations then, too hurt and upset to be anywhere near him. She actively avoided him, walking the other way when he would try to greet her and she became a professional at Silencio, never letting him get a word in. Sirius knew it probably wouldn't have made a difference, no matter what he could have said to ease the heartbreak because one look in her eyes and he knew he had betrayed her trust and betrayed her loyalty. He was no one to her anymore. Over time, she started to really hate him. Hate him for using her and for making her feel inferior and for making her cry over him and for letting herself fall for his charm. He had hurt her in the worst possible way and chasing after her was just making it even worse. So eventually, he swallowed his pride and desperation and he let her go.
The worst part about it all was that Sirius really did have feelings for her. He did then, he did before it all happened, and he had ever since. Nothing could change the fact that whenever he saw her, something inside him stirred and all he ever wanted to do was explain what had happened to give her the closure she deserved. He knew that would never happen, though. He knew that Riley truly despised him, maybe even hated him, and he had no one to blame but himself. He truly cared about her and it was obvious she didn't feel remotely the same. It was easier insulting her and making her angry than it was admitting he had feelings for her. So he did what he always did with girls: pretended that she didn't matter to him.
Because it was obvious that he didn't matter to her.
Riley quickly ran from Sirius, mostly because she refused to let him see her cry. She blamed her overwhelming sorrow on Kay, but she knew that was a big lie. She was still upset at Sirius. Hasn't stopped since the moment he betrayed her. She never should have brought it up. Because whenever she did, it brought frustrated and hurt tears to her eyes.
Throughout that Christmas break two years earlier, Riley couldn't stop thinking about him. She realized that Sirius truly meant more to her than anyone else and all thoughts of him made her smile. Something felt so right between the two of them. So easy and seamless. And as a naive fifteen-year-old, she imagined living her life with him and inviting him into her world and her heart. She hated watching him walk away from her when he had to return to James' house and she was stuck back at Hogwarts while her parents and grandmother visited her oldest brother in Guam.
All giddy thoughts were erased in a split second the moment she heard James comment on the night shared between Sirius and Rhea Potter on New Year's Eve. Her heart shattered into a million pieces and she wasn't sure it would ever be restored.
Riley thought they had something significant, something most teenagers would never be able to find, and when Sirius agreed that he wanted it as well, Riley thought that all of her dreams were coming true. But to know that Sirius turned his back on his words, had either lied to her or used her, made her feel more worthless than she had ever felt before. She sunk into a deep depression, feeling hurt that her best friend had betrayed her. Feeling hurt that he never cared about her as much as she clearly cared about him. Feeling hurt knowing that she was just like every other girl he had ever been with.
It hurt more knowing that she hadn't been able to let him go no matter how many times she told herself what a jerk he was.
But it didn't matter that she couldn't seem to let it go. It didn't matter that every time she was around him, she thought back to the four years they spent as friends. It didn't matter that a part of her still cared for him. All that mattered was her heart was still broken into two and no one would ever be able to repair it. Not even Sirius.
Riley started to rush back to the common room, when she realized that that would do her no good. She wasn't about to run to Kay with her problems or let Kay see her so upset. So midway to the Gryffindor house, she took a detour towards the Head's private quarters.
She didn't even bother to knock on their common room door. She muttered the previously told password, charged through the door, brushing the tears from her eyes, and accidentally ran head-straight into James.
"Hey, Riley."
She picked up her head, her eyes blazing with rage. "Your best friend is a jackass," she snapped, continuing to brush past him in a frenzy.
"Uh…I'll make a note of it?" James said in confusion.
Riley didn't even turn around to acknowledge his attempt at humor as she pounded on Lily's door. When Lily didn't answer she slammed her fist against it even harder.
"She's not there."
Riley whirled around and stared at James. "Where is she?"
"Just left for rounds. I'm sure she'll be gone for a while. It is Halloween night."
She cocked her head to the side. "Yeah, speaking of which, why aren't you out with the rest of the Marauders hexing the Slytherins and planning the ultimate Halloween prank."
He shrugged. "Oh please, I've matured and I'm Head Boy. I don't play silly little pranks anymore."
Riley raised an eyebrow at him.
"Or maybe it's because we're going out later when Evans isn't patrolling the grounds."
Riley smirked and walked towards the exit. "That's what I thought. Can you tell Lily I need to talk to her whenever she gets back?"
James nodded. "Sure," he replied, then hesitated before adding, "Anything I can help with?"
Riley sighed. "This day has just been…well, it's been completely unbearable."
"Does this have to do with the blow-up with Kay or the whole 'my best friend's a jackass' thing?"
"Both."
"Well, if you need to talk, I'm stalling on doing work for at least another hour, so…" James trailed off, shrugging his shoulders and giving her an inquisitive look.
She ran her hands through her hair, a frown framing her jawline. She dropped on to the couch, defeated. "Kay's dating Lance," she spoke in a hurt whisper.
James' eyebrow perked up. "Er...your brother?"
Riley nodded. "The one and only."
James opened his mouth to respond but found himself without words. "I-I did not see that coming."
"You're not the only one," she muttered.
He gazed at her apologetically, frowning. "I'm assuming you didn't take the news well."
Riley gave him a look. "You were there at breakfast."
"Right," he murmured sheepishly.
Riley sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging them tightly. "I just don't get it," she whispered brusquely. "Why him? She could have anyone else in this world and she chose my brother. Why the hell can't she find someone else? Anyone else!"
James sighed and slowly walked over to the couch, taking a seat beside her, placing his books down on the coffee table in front of him. "You can't always choose who you like, Riles."
"Oh, you sound just like her," Riley growled. "And fine, if she wants to like him, go right ahead. I can't stop her from liking her. I just don't want them to date."
"You can't stop them from dating either, Riles," James pointed out cautiously, running his fingers comfortingly over her exposed knee. "And the last time I checked if two people like each other, the next step would be to attempt dating."
Riley made a face.
"Then again, the next step for you would be just to sleep with him."
Riley continued to glare at him.
"Hm, not in a joking mood?"
"I just don't get it," she repeated. "What do they see in each other? Neither one of them have ever showed any interest in each other whatsoever from the little time they've spent together in the past. Why now? Why each other? Why-"
"You need to stop with the 'whys'," James interrupted, shaking his head. "All of these questions are often unanswerable. It's just a feeling they have, Riles. The hearts wants what the heart wants. You can't always help who your heart chooses. You just...you fall for someone and you never want to let them go. Lance wouldn't be with anone if he didn't have that same feeling."
She rested her cheek on her knees, sighing. "Do you have that feeling with Kristina?"
He hesitated. "What?"
"That feeling," she murmured. "The feeling that she's what your heart desires. That you never want to let her go. Do you have that with Kristina?"
James was thrown by the question, growing unusually silent.
Riley lifted her face from her knee to stare up at him. "Well?"
"I don't know," he admitted with a shrug. "Sometimes? But this isn't about me. It's about them.""She shook her head. "If you don't know if you have that feeling with Kristina, a girl you see nearly every day, then how the hell do you know that their hearts want each other when they're hundreds of miles apart?"
James scrunched up his nose. "If they're meant to be, they're meant to be. And if they're not, they're not. Either way, do you really think it involves you?"
"It does when they so clearly felt the need to hide this from me," she snarled. "They should have-"
"It wouldn't have made a difference," he sighed.
"What?"
"You'd be this stubborn even if they had told you from the beginning. You just-"
"I'm not being stubborn!" Riley scowled. "I have a right to be upset, James!"
He winced, nodding. "No, I know. You can be upset. No one's stopping you from being a little frustrated. You'd surprise the hell out of all of us if you weren't. But don't let your frustration cloud your friendship with Kay and your sisterly bond with Lance."
Riley rolled her eyes. "Thank you for the psychology lesson, Professor Potter. But I didn't ask for your advice. I merely wanted someone to vent to. Any chance Lily will be on her way back soon?"
He shrugged. "Sorry, Riles, but you should know by now that I'm going to tell you how it is."
"Hence why I cam here looking for Lily." There was a slight smile on her face. "I just wish that...that…" But she trailed off not really sure what she wanted. She wished that she had never invited Kay to Bermuda. She wished that her brother hadn't fallen for Kay. But most of all, Riley wish that for once in her life, she could find someone who cared about her just like Lance and Kay clearly cared about each other. She could tell that alone from the one letter he had written to Kay.
"What?"
Riley shook her head. "I-I don't know. Never mind."
James gazed at her curiously, sensing her hesitance. "Can I ask a question that could possibly end up in you throwing that lamp at me?" James asked, nodding towards the table lamp behind Riley.
Riley glanced behind her and then turned to give him an inquisitive look. "That's a pretty big lamp. Are you sure you're willing to risk getting smashed in the head with it?"
James paused. "You're right. Never mind."
Riley laughed. "No, it's okay. Ask away."
James paused again. "Well okay but do you mind if I move the lamp to where you can't reach it?"
Riley gave him a look. "Just ask."
James laughed. "Right…" he said slowly. "It's just…well…I mean…okay, why exactly are you so mad at them? I mean why do you hate the two of them together? Obviously it's a sticky situation for you but...but why does it make you want to stop being friends with Kay? Is six years worth of a friendship not worth saving?"
Much to James' surprise, she didn't throw any heavy inanimate objects. Instead, she stared intensely at the coffee table, searching for the right words. Instead, she eventually said, "I-I don't know."
"I'm not buying it," James retaliated immediately, giving her a look. "You're hiding something."
"I just think they're...they're making a mistake," Riley said hesitantly, averting her eyes towards the ground.
"Hm," James said, sensing a flicker of agony in her eyes.
Riley swallowed hard, brushing away the tendrils from her face. "She deserves better."
James quirked an eyebrow. "Does she?"
Riley nodded slowly. "I love my brother, but...he's good at hurting people. Girls, especially. He hasn't had a relationship longer than two weeks. He bails when it's convenient to him and he doesn't care who he hurts as long as he remains unharmed."
"Must run in the family."
Riley was taken aback, narrowing his eyes at him. "Come again?"
James shrugged. "All of you Gilmores keep your guard up. Do you notice that except for apparently Lance, none of you are in relationships right now? Never really have been in long-term relationships? And it's not because you can't find someone to hold on to, it's because you're all scared of relationships. Except for, again, apparently Lance."
Riley scowled. "This isn't about the rest of us, it's about Lance!"
"He's found someone he wants to be with, Riles. And he's been with Kay for two months. That's a huge accomplishment for him, don't you think?"
"Who knows what he's doing off in London while Kay is here."
James furrowed his brow, giving her a look. "Lance might have been a womanizer in the past, but he has never been a cheater. Why would he pretend to be in a relationship with Kay if he was getting it on with other women?"
Riley hesitated, knowing he had a point. "I still don't like it."
"I know," James sighed. He glanced over at her and saw such determination on her face, but it was the faraway vacant glint in her eyes that he focused on. She met his gaze briefly before quickly turning away, picking at a hangnail on her hand so as to avoid his eye contact. He smirked, realization hitting him. "Because you're jealous."
"Oh, I am not," Riley snarled.
James cringed. "Okay, maybe jealousy is a bit of an exaggeration. But the truth is, is that your brother who has been a womanizing for eighteen years has found solace in the arms of your best friend who has never had a boyfriend before. And unfortunately, you believe that you're destined to be alone forever based on your failed relationships. You're selfishly wondering why Kay found someone who wants to be with her when you're ten times prettier, ten times smarter, and you have ten times the personality than she does. You're-"
"Hey, now, don't go putting such bigheaded words in my mouth," she scowled.
James shrugged. "Maybe they didn't come out of your mouth, but I guarantee you've thought them."
She remained silent. Truth was, and maybe this made her a horrible person or maybe just a typical seventeen-year-old-girl, but those horrible, selfish words hadunfortunately crossed her mind. She was the one the guys at Hogwarts sought after and yet Riley couldn't get a relationship to last a few weeks. Kay had barely spent time glancing in the direction of the opposite sex and the moment that she did, the guy was falling for her. What did Kay have that Riley didn't? "Does that make me a horrible person?" she muttered.
"No. It makes you a boy-crazy teenage girl."
She hesitated. "I'm not sure which is worse."
He chuckled. "Riles, you will find someone and it will be on that day, you'll look back and hate yourself for prematurely judging this relationship between Kay and Lance."
She shook her head. "I think I'm allowed to me angry at my brother and my best friend for hiding a relationship they've been in for over two months. They deliberately went behind my back! How long do you think this would have continued before they grew the balls to tell me it was going on? At their wedding?"
James sighed. "I don't think you're being fair."
"Yeah, and you're being unfairly judgmental yourself, Potter," she snapped, rushing off the couch irritably. "Tell Lily I'm looking for her."
"Wait," James said immediately, grabbing her arm quickly. "You're right. I have no reason to judge you, especially since I barely know anything about the situation. Don't be mad at me."
Riley sighed and looked long and hard at James before twirling a strand of hair around her finger like she often did when she felt anxious. She slowly plopped back on to the couch. "I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you," she mumbled. "You understand me more than anyone else does and right now all I need is for you to be my friend."
James gave her a sympathetic smile. "I'm always here, Riles, and you know that."
Riley tried to ignore the tears that were welling up in the bottom of her eyelids as she turned her gaze away from him. "I don't want to be mad at Kay and Lance, but I am. I can't help it."
"I know."
"I just wish Kay could understand where I'm coming from," she whispered.
"I know," James repeated.
"My life seemed a lot easier twenty-four hours ago."
"I know."
Riley sighed.. "Ugh, I'm going to go bitch out Black some more. That always gets me in a better mood."
James chuckled. "Care to inform me why you expressed your jackass opinion of Sirius when you first waltzed in here?"
"Is there any other reason besides the fact that he exists?"
James rolled his eyes. "You two act like children."
"This coming from the guy who picks fights with Lily every chance he gets."
He hesitated, shrugging curtly. "Hopefully, that's changing," he muttered.
Riley's eyebrow shot up. "Oh, really?"
"I thought you were going to find Sirius to bitch out?"
"Hm, changing the subject. Interesting."
James rolled his eyes, dragging himself off the couch and reaching for his book. "I'll see you later, Riles."
She grinned as she headed out of the private quarters, grateful for James' ability to always put a smile on her face.
Riley sauntered into the Gryffindor common room and the first person she saw was Kay by the fire. Anxiety coursed throughout her veins and she quickly rushed up the stairs, quietly slipping into her bedroom. Unfortunately, it wasn't quiet enough.
"Where have you been?" an accusing voice from the back of the room asked.
Riley swiveled to her right and groaned. "I didn't realize you cared, Mille," she snapped, throwing her bag of books beside her bed.
Justine shrugged. "So I heard you and Richards got into a fight," she smirked.
Riley rolled her eyes and started unpacking her books, tossing them on to her desk casually. "What's it to you?"
Justine shrugged. "I just thought it might be awkward for you around here."
"And why would it be awkward?" Riley snapped, taking the time to glare at her.
Justine rolled her eyes and slipped off the bed, walking towards RIley. "Because now you have no one to help you hate us," she smirked. "Just think about it, Gilmore. In the morning when you want to take a shower, no one is going to be able to help you pound the door down. At night when you want us to shut up so you can possibly get your full six hours of sleep in, you'll have no one help you hex our mouths shut. Face it, Miranda and I have all the power around here now. So thanks for giving that to us, I guess.."
"And I'm supposed to care about what you say?"
"You will."
Riley looked her in the face and growled. "Just spit it out, Mille. What the hell do you want?"
"I have a suggestion," she said with a sly grin.
"I'm not moving out."
Justine laughed sincerely. "That's not what I was going to say. Though we'll call that Plan B."
"What the hell is Plan A?"
She shrugged, meeting Riley's gaze. "I'm letting you know that Miranda and I are extending our friendship to you."
The textbook in Riley's hand fell to the floor. "Have you gone completely insane, Mille?"
She rolled her eyes, unfazed by the scowl on Riley's face. "It's just an offer. One that's actually in your favor."
"I will never befriend you, Mille, no matter how unbearable it gets living here."
"Fine, have it your way," Justine said, shrugging. "But the offer is always open."
Riley rolled her eyes, trying hard not to laugh at how absurd being friends with Justine and Miranda sounded. She was still laughing on the inside when the bathroom door opened and Miranda walked out in her towel, grabbing pajamas off her bed. "So, did you ask her?" she asked Justine, gesturing with her head in Riley's direction.
"Yeah, she did, and I think you both have been abducted by aliens," Riley answered on Justine's behalf. She pulled the curtains around her bed and slipped out of her school robes and into her long-sleeve T-shirt and a pair of flannel boxers.
She reopened the curtains about a minute later and threw her school robes into her laundry pile, suddenly aware that Miranda and Justine were staring deeply at her. Riley sighed. "What?" she asked.
They shrugged. "We're going downstairs to the common room to just hang out for another hour or so until bed. You're welcome to join us," Miranda suggested with a rather unconvincing welcoming smile on her face.
Riley snorted and was about to completely insult them like she so often did when suddenly the door opened and Kay walked in. She froze at the sight of all three of her roommates staring intently at her.
Riley turned back to Justine and Miranda and with a fake smile on her face replied, "Sure. Let's go."
"Uh…where are you going?" Kay asked curiously, glancing nervously at Riley.
Riley smirked at her. "Justine, Miranda and I are going down to the common room to hang out."
Kay stared at her in disbelief. "What?" she asked hoarsely.
Riley shrugged like it was no big deal. "You heard me," she snapped. She turned to Justine and Miranda who were secretly sharing a mischievous smile and said, "You coming?"
"Of course," Miranda spoke up, shooting Kay a smirk before following Riley out of the room with Justine right behind her.
Kay watched them all walk out together before she crumpled in a heap on her bed and burst into tears. She knew that Riley was just using Justine and Miranda, but how could she be so cruel? Just that morning, they were friends and now she was replacing with her two people Riley had despised for six years. She could understand Riley being frustrated and angry and upset. But to betray the bond that they had created over six years by throwing a pretense of a friendship with Miranda and Justine was insulting and demeaning. And maybe Kay had petrayed Riley's trust first, but that didn't give her the right to act so childishly selfish.
And so Kay sat there with her curtains pulled around, the sound of her own sobs lulling her to sleep hoping that God was indeed on her side and in a few days the whole thing would blow over.
No such luck.
A/N: Uh-oh, trouble in paradise. So we know why Riley and Sirius hate each other...Riley's still mad at Kay and getting back at her by befriending her roomates...this just ISN'T right! Please review.
