Scars
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Chapter 11
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BPOV(Bella)
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Rose-25, Emmett-25, Bella-26, Edward-30, Alice-28, Jasper-25, Carlisle-49, Esme-39, Andrew-15
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Monday, March 23rd, 2015
I lay on my side, staring at a crack in the ugly yellow wall, willing the time by. Waiting for the results, waiting for someone I knew to come.
But at the same time, I didn't want anyone to be here, to watch me, to see me in this state.
There was no more heavy bleeding, just a bit, the doctor said that was a good sign, (I had doctor Grady, not Cullen, I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye) I had a blood test but refused an ultra sound until Edward or Alice or even someone got here. I couldn't do it by myself, especially if I had miscarried.
It felt like forever I had been lying in this hospital bed, alone and mulling everything over, trying not to break down sobbing or something, before someone came.
I felt an imminent sense of relief, like I could breathe again. ''What happened? No one will tell me anything!'' I turned over to stare at him, and I tried to stop the tears. Edward looked older than ever, his usually tussled hair was sopping wet, it had started raining outside, his police uniform was much the same as his hair, he must have been soaked to the bone. His face held concern, and his frown deepened when he saw the tears in my eyes.
I opened my mouth, ready to tell him what had happened, but the opening of my mouth was like a switch to turn on the waterfall of tears that leaked silently from my eyes. I couldn't see very well through the tears, but before I knew it he had wrapped his arms around me, he wasn't as cold as his clothes looked.
''I-I'm sorry.'' I choked, my arms wrapped around his neck, breathing in the smell of him, it was comforting, it calmed me some.
''What happened?'' He spoke into my hair, his hand was rubbing my back in a comforting way.
I sniffled, why did I have to always snot up so much when I cried? ''I was in the middle of a class, I felt weird, I got a . . .cramp,'' I was so glad I couldn't see his face, I couldn't deal with it. ''there was so much blood, oh god, it was Andrews class, he knows something's wrong.'' I started to panic.
''It's okay,'' he pulled away from me, and I hesitantly looked into his emerald eyes. ''don't worry about that now, when did you start having the cramps?''
''I was late for my first class, I had to pull over and throw up in a bush, and then the first on happened five minutes later, I'm sorry.'' I muttered, looking down.
''Why are you sorry, baby, you did nothing wrong.''
''I didn't do anything, I should have gone to the hospital, but I looked it up and it said some cramping can happen in pregnancy, but it wasn't that bad and I wasn't bleeding, I was going to go if it got worse, it did.'' I started crying. ''I'm such a bad person.''
''Bella, you aren't, you're the best person I know, this happens to so many people, and it could be nothing and even if it is bad, we can get through this.''
I looked up at him in surprise, I hadn't even thought about what would happen to us if I lost the baby, or if I didn't, I hadn't even thought about me and Edward at all, I thought about him, but not us, just him and the baby. Would he still want me if I lost the baby? I don't know if I could handle that, losing two people I love at once.
Wait, what?
There it was, there was no use pretending it wasn't true this time, I loved him.
I don't think I could lose him, it would hurt just as much as losing another baby.
''Breathe, Bella.''
I gasped, I couldn't catch my breath, I had known that I might have had a miscarriage, but the thought of it, I couldn't handle it, it was too much.
''Bella.'' He was concerned, he took my hand and placed it on his chest. ''Focus on my heartbeat and breathe, it'll all be okay.''
I took a deep breath, my hand on his chest twitched. ''I can't lose another baby, I can't.''
''You won't, you hear that, baby? I don't care if you are a boy, or a girl, just hang on in there.''
''They took my blood to see if everything was okay, and I didn't want an ultrasound until someone was here, I couldn't do it by myself.''
''Sorry, even a police car with its siren blasting can't prevent a traffic jam.'' He sighed. ''We were in the middle of a case, Alice stayed there to investigate.'' He was avoiding eye contact with me. ''We have to talk later.''
My heart sped up and I took my hand away from him. ''About what?''
''The case we were just working on, I'm off it now, it didn't feel right, I need to tell you-'' he was cut off my the doctor coming back into the room and announcing it was time for the ultrasound if I was ready.
''Just tell me later.'' I suggested, nervous about what he would tell me, but focusing on it because thinking about the fact I would be finding out if I was still pregnant in a few minutes was nauseating.
I nodded, swallowing. I got up and followed the doctor. Angelia had gave me some yoga pants she had in her car, since mine were destroyed. I had refused to be put in a hospital gown or anything, what was the point?
''Bella!'' Esme's voice caused my head to swing in the direction of the voice.
Tears sprung to my eyes again, damn it. Esme was standing down the hall with her purse clutched in her hands, her shoulders hunched up and tensed and her eyes darting and wild. She ran at me and wrapped her arms around me. ''I'm so sorry it took me so long to get here, it's going to be okay.''
She let go of me. ''You're here.'' I sniffled. ''Would you come in there with me, for the ultrasound?''
She nodded, and we all walked into the exam room. I blushed when I sat on the table and realized Esme was staring at Edward.
''Esme, this is Edward, Edward, Esme.''
''It's nice to meet you ma'am.''
They shook hands, somewhat awkwardly and I almost died with what Esme said next.
''So you're the man who got my daughter pregnant?''
''And you're the woman who's been seeing my father?''
Esme blushed and Edward smiled. ''Truce?'' Esme decided, Edward smiled, turning back to me and taking my hand, allowing Esme to sit in a chair that was beside me. I was happy Esme wasn't panicking.
''This might be cold,'' the doctor warned, I had pulled up my top, exposing my stomach, it was so pale it was slightly scary. ''We're looking for a heartbeat or any sign of life.'' He said sadly.
My hand flinched and grasped Edward tighter, we needed a heartbeat.
It was like a flutter, it was music to my ears, the second the doctor fiddled with the wand thing and the machine, and there was a heartbeat.
Tears ran freely down my face. ''There's the baby.'' The doctor pointed to a blob on the screen, I honestly couldn't see anything but I didn't care, I was so happy.
But the doctor sounded unsure, and I knew there was something else he had to tell us, I was crying too much to ask, but Edward seemed to notice this too. And though he was crying slightly too, he planned a kiss to my head and asked, ''Is everything okay? With the baby? She obviously didn't miscarry.''
''From what I can see, everything is fine; the baby is perfect at this time. But taking the past into consideration and everything, this is going to be a high risk pregnancy. A lot of woman bleed without miscarriages though that was not the case here.''
''But she didn't miscarry,'' Edward practically growled, wanting the doctor to get to the point.
''Miss Swan, you are pregnant, with one baby, though we believe you did miscarry a baby.''
There was a heavy silence in the room, and the doctor went on to explain what had happened, and that I had been pregnant with twins, though I had lost one of them.
And I felt numb.
How are you meant to feel? Losing a baby you didn't know you had, I had been pregnant with one baby, or so I thought, and I still am. I didn't lose anything.
But of course, I did.
I had lost another child; it should have set in, I should have cried, but I didn't, I didn't feel much. I didn't even know that could happen, how could you miscarry one child but not the other?
I zoned out for the rest of the conversation, knowing that Edward was listening, I didn't want to hear, and I didn't want to think about it.
I don't really remember making my way back to my room, somewhere in there I recognized that I could go when my blood work came back, and I only really zoned back to life when Edward said, ''I'm going to get Carlisle, we should tell him together.''
I didn't speak; I didn't think I could, so I nodded. Edward kissed me gently, like he was afraid I might break, I thought I might, it felt like there was a damn built up inside me, just waiting to burst.
And once it did, it could never be fixed, not fully.
The time from that moment until I got discharged blurred by, time just chewed me up and spat me back out, much like the world did. I couldn't stop thinking about what Edward had said, what did he have to tell me? Now that I knew I was still pregnant (though everything I knew was debatable at that moment) the curiosity burned.
And I knew, deep down, this only mattered to me because I didn't want to think about anything, because I couldn't.
Carlisle was busy with a few patents, but got out of everything eventually just as I was being discharged, he brought us into his office, and from his face, his unreadable expression, I knew he knew.
''How are you holding up?'' his voice was soft but cut through me, he looked us both in the eye and Edward grabbed my hand in support.
''So you know?'' Edward whispered.
Carlisle nodded sadly. ''I would say sorry if I thought it would help. When did this happen?'' he gestured to our joined hands.
''Emmett's wedding,'' Edward blew out a breath. ''So, ugh, congratulations on being a granddad again, I suppose.''
''At least I'm at a better age this time,'' he smiled and I knew he meant it. ''thirty-five was too young.''
''You were a dad at twenty.'' Edward reminded him.
Carlisle's eyebrow quirked. ''You can't say much really.''
Edward's smile was small but true, genuine. ''No, I can't.''
''How did he take it?''
''Better than most teenagers, I'll give him that. I called him earlier, told him what happened.'' Edward's eyes darkened with sadness. ''Could you try and see if he's . . .off next time you see him? I've tried speaking to him, he's very hostile.''
''He's coming over to mine tonight anyway,'' Carlisle informed us, turning his eyes to me. ''Bella, you need supervision for the next day, though everything looks good, and I thought Edward would be the best person to keep an eye out for you.''
I nodded, talking didn't sound like a smart thing right now, and I feared if my mouth opened, the amount of unintelligible jumble that would spill from it would be too much.
By the time we left the office it was around six, Esme went in after us, hugging me on the way, her voice worried and I can't pretend to not notice her hands shaking, she needed to get away from public and for some reason I think Carlisle was just what she needed.
Since neither of us had a car here, Edward had called a taxi, I would have argued about going to his house tonight, if I really didn't want to intrude on Alice and Lauren anymore then I already did, plus, Alice promised to drop me some clothes in later.
''You're being very silent.'' Edward observed after he gave the cab driver the address.
''Silence is safer than sound.'' I said. ''But silence is louder than ever right now.''
''What's your biggest fear?'' I could tell he was more distracting than curious, but I wanted to be distracted.
''I don't know how to explain it,'' I licked my lips, board and wondering. ''People not coming back, not being able to say goodbye to the people I love, but that's such a used fear. On some level, doesn't everyone fear that?''
He nodded. ''In a way, I suppose.'' His shrug was heavy and heartfelt, pressured and scared.
My hand found his knee. ''What do you fear the most?''
He looked down, as if ashamed. ''To not figure out what's wrong with Andrew before it's too late.'' His hands cupped his head and I realized he wasn't ashamed for fearing it, he was ashamed for not fearing it sooner, for not concurring it sooner.
And just to lighten the mood of the day from hell, I added. ''I also don't like cops,'' my smile was only half forced. ''I feel like they think they're better than us and get away with too much.''
He murmured something I didn't quite catch, but I think it was something like ''. . . the reason I knocked you up. . .''
And I smiled because neither of us could ever forget today, but it was a start, and you always had to start somewhere.
So the baby's okay!-well, you need to kind of decide your views on that actually. This was a sad chapter, really this is a sad story actually. What did you think of this chapter? I didn't think it was possible to miscarry on one child, but hopefully google didn't lie. Anyway to everyone who reviewed and to everyone who will, Thank you! ;)xxx
-BATTM
