Chapter 11
Rebel said nothing as he drew in a slow breath and ran his fingers through his hair, and then he paused to open the top button on his shirt as he suddenly felt the need for more air, because the memories were threatening to smother him as sure as he could recall choking on scorching air that seared his lungs as a planet burned...
"I'm not sure I can talk about it."
The Doctor leaned back against his pillow and got comfortable.
"I need a lot of rest. I've got a lot of time to listen."
Rebel met his gaze and pain reflected in his eyes as he looked at the other version of himself, and guessed that the only person it made sense to talk to be would be another of himself, because he could not bear to speak of it to anyone else...
"I recall very little about my former lifetime. Most of it is hazy. But I do recall the final hours, like it's stuck in my mind. I fell in love. I married her. We found a quiet planet where we settled down. I was happy, I could have stayed there forever and left the troubles of the universe alone, at least for as long as she lived..."
"Your wife died in the fire?"
He felt a sudden sharp stab of grief and blinked away tears.
"And my two children."
The Doctor reached over and placed his hand over Rebel's.
"Why did the planet burn?" he asked gently.
Rebel wiped his eyes and then grief was replaced by anger.
"The bastards who ran the corporation that owned the shield system, they were to blame. The planet was close to twin suns, the shield was the life support system. And it failed. Errors were made and it failed! The heat began to rise and those who could get there quickly enough made it to evacuation ships. But not Bella, not my wife, or our children. She was waiting for me. I'd taken off for a few days because I couldn't resist the urge to travel the stars. I came back to find the house smouldering. The world was scorched, all I could hear were the cries of the dying!"
He drew in a breath and briefly closed his eyes as he tried to hold back his tears.
"I can still see it."
He opened his eyes again, looking at the Doctor with pain reflecting in his gaze, "I knew if I left the Tardis I would burn too but I had to look for them! Every step from my ship to the ruins was complete agony. My clothing began to smoulder, my skin started to blister. I tried to breathe in but my lungs were scorched..."
He paused, keeping a tight grip on the Doctor's hand as he recalled his death:
"I was on fire. I caught on fire as I stepped towards the Tardis. And then a man in a silver heatproof suit pushed me through the door as and rolled me over, trying to put out the flames with his gloved hands. I couldn't see his face, I heard him call me, Doctor, he said, keep still, you're on fire... he was trying to put out the flames. All I could smell was my own flesh burning."
He dragged in another breath and tears ran down his face.
"I didn't want to die," he said in a voice broken by emotion, "I wanted to hold on and carry on and be sure that my family was either gone or escaped, I had to hold on but then it started...the fires of regeneration bursting out of me, trying to extinguish the flames of death. I fought it. I was caught between life and death and I clung on in the middle until the regeneration won..."
"And what happened after that?" the Doctor said quietly.
"I don't know how long I was on the floor of the console room. I woke up and he was standing over me, he carried me into my room and put me on my bed and brushed the remains of scorched clothing from my body and then covered me with a sheet. He had his visor up, it was Laurence Riley, I knew him well. I'd told him I was a Timelord, but I don't think he understood what regeneration meant until he witnessed it. He was staring at me like I was a complete stranger. Then he said my name and I looked at him, I was too weak to move but I whispered to him to find my family. And then he left. I sent him out there and I don't think he survived, I think he burned up like the rest of the poor bastards who were left behind..."
Rebel bowed his head and wept softly.
"He was like a brother to me. He was a third generation earth colonist, he was also a man with a string of convictions to his name but as I recall in my former lifetime, I was far from perfect too. He was always finding ways to make money from theft and passing on stolen goods, and I often turned a blind eye to it. Sometimes I helped him out, too. But what else could I do, he was my wife's brother."
The Doctor gave a sigh and looked at Rebel sadly.
"I suppose one way of looking at it is this – your wife and children died when that planet burned, and so did your former life. But you are a Timelord, you had the gift of another life – you're a different man now! You must carry on even though they're gone. Every regeneration brings a new start. You know that, think all the way back through your lives, there's always another chance!"
Rebel let go of the Doctor's hand.
"Yes, that's one way of looking at it," he said quietly. His face was wet with tears as anger burned in his eyes again.
"The company who owned the shield system were based on earth. They'd already decided the death of an entire planet would be blamed on an industrial accident. That wasn't good enough for me! They held a meeting..."
And then he fell silent and looked down at the floor.
"You wanted to know what happened when the planet burned. I've told you everything."
Then he wiped his eyes quickly.
"Thanks for listening."
Then Ace came in with the tea, and she noticed Rebel looked tearful.
"is everything okay?" she asked.
The Doctor nodded.
"It will be," he said gently as he looked to Rebel, "Everything will be just fine."
The days passed too quickly.
After Rebel's visit he had promised to stay around on earth for a while, but also promised not to bother them, and he had left the Doctor and Ace to finally spend some much needed time together. Ace had quickly slipped into a new routine of long lazy mornings in bed and afternoons spent in his arms as the Doctor began to recover from the effects of the anti toxin.
But those days had slipped by too fast, and after returning to something close to normality, the day soon arrived to visit Carla at her apartment across the other side of town, and as they stood on her doorstep and the Doctor rang the bell, Ace felt nervous.
"I'm going to hate this," she said quietly, "Waiting for you to get the blood results..."
The Doctor tried to play down her fears.
"All she has to do is check me over, take some blood and test it. She'll get the result in a couple of minutes. I feel fine, I'm not worried."
Then the door opened.
"Come in," she said with a smile, and then they both went inside, the Doctor avoiding Carla's gaze as he felt sure she was disappointed, because she had been hoping he would show up alone, but instead, to ensure he wasn't tempted to stray, he had brought Ace with him...
Carla led them through to what had once been a living room. It still had floral wall paper but she had converted it into a treatment area. Beyond this, the door to her lab was open.
Carla told the Doctor to take off his shirt and sit on the bed.
Ace walked over to the window and looked out through heavy nets at the obscured view of the street outside, and she then heard Carla ask him how he was feeling. Then she wondered if perhaps Carla ought to ask her that question too – none of this had been easy to cope with, watching the man she loved suffer so greatly and knowing she was powerless to help.
But Ace said nothing, instead she walked over to his bedside and watched as Carla used a stethoscope to listen to his hearts and then his breathing, and then she checked his healed wounds and removed some stitches from the back of his neck.
Then she prepared to take a blood sample, and as the needle bit into his arm she saw a moment of pain register on his face, and then Ace looked away, wishing his suffering could end so they could return to a normal life once more.
Carla withdrew the needle and dressed the puncture wound.
"You could learn how to do this for him, I could teach you," she said, but Ace shook her head.
"I don't think I should be doing that – you're trained, I'm not."
"It's easy," Carla said to her.
"For you," Ace replied.
The Doctor chuckled.
"Ace, if you can beat up a Dalek with a bat, I'm sure you can handle sticking a tiny needle in my arm once a week!"
"I don't want to stick needles in you," she replied quietly, and then she waited at his bedside while Carla took the sample into the lab.
While they waited, the Doctor got dressed.
Then Carla entered the room once more, and Ace felt a huge wave of relief pass through her as she saw she was smiling.
"It's good news," she said, "There's no change in the toxin levels."
The Doctor jumped up from his seat and grabbed his umbrella.
"That's great news. I'll see you next week, Carla."
And then he turned and smiled at Ace as he grabbed her by the hand.
"Let's go home," he said warmly, "I'm doing well. That's something to celebrate!"
They walked hand in hand along the street as they headed back to the Tardis.
"I wish you'd learn to take my blood," the Doctor said, "It would save me having to visit Carla once a week, the analysis machine is easy to use."
And as he spoke he felt slightly guilty, wishing his own resolve to stay true to Ace was strong enough to enable him to visit her without his wife at his side to be sure he wouldn't be tempted to stray.
"I'd rather not," Ace told him, "I might do it wrong – and I'd definitely hurt you."
"I've been through worse."
"But I couldn't cause you pain. I'm sorry, Professor – I can't do it."
"That's fine, I understand." The Doctor let go of her hand and slipped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer as they turned the corner and the Tardis came into clear view, "Let's go home and cuddle up," he said, and she started to smile.
They reached the Tardis and the Doctor unlocked the door and they went inside.
And then as he saw a light blinking on the console, his expression changed to one of annoyance.
"What a time to get an incoming message!" he complained, "I can't ignore it because it's coming from another Tardis..."
And he answered the call and the screen cleared and he saw the Ninth Doctor standing in his own ship.
"What can I do for you?" he asked warmly.
The Ninth Doctor smiled.
"You're looking well," he remarked, "That's good. I've been thinking about something, and I've figured out a way to help you."
"With what?"
His future self lowered his voice.
"Is Ace around, because I'd rather we had this chat alone."
The Doctor smiled. He knew Ace was standing on the other side of the console, out of sight of the camera, and had no intention of asking her to leave the room.
"Feel free to talk," he said, "I'm by myself. What's this about?"
"I was wondering if you fancied taking off for a few hours. We could meet somewhere nice and quiet. What about Sabra?"
"No thanks. After what I went through, I really don't want to go back there."
He paused for thought.
"Okay, I'll pitch you my idea now. I just want you to think about it, because I've figured out a way to help you and Ace."
The Doctor frowned slightly as he looked into the screen.
"Help us with what?"
The Ninth Doctor's eyes lit up.
"I've come up with a fantastic idea! There's a way you and Ace can get around the damage the anti toxin's done to your body. You can still have a family together."
The Doctor looked at him doubtfully.
"I'd love to hear this idea of yours!"
The Ninth Doctor spoke up again.
"We're all the same man. Identical DNA. So why don't you show Ace some pictures of all your other selves, past and present, and ask her if one of them could do the job for you?"
The Doctor stared at him.
"Oh no, it's very thoughtful of you but we haven't got that far yet. We're taking each day as it comes. But I'm sure one of us would be willing to help out and be a donor if we decided to go that way -"
"No, I meant, see which one she fancies and get him over to your Tardis. It could be fun. I'd volunteer, but I'd rather wait and see what Ace thinks first."
The Doctor's eyes briefly narrowed, and then he saw the funny side and started to smile, around the same time Ace put her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle.
"I don't really think that's our cup of tea, no thanks, but thank you for suggesting it."
"Okay – but you know where I am if you change your mind."
The Doctor smiled politely.
"Bye," he said, and closed the channel.
As the Ninth Doctor ended the call, he gave a sigh and turned from the console.
"I was sure he was going to say yes!"
Rose Tyler walked over and joined him and folded her arms as she smiled knowingly.
"You can't remember how it turns out, so you're making assumptions."
"It made sense to me."
She laughed.
"Sense? It's more like wishful thinking!"
"We've got the same DNA, why not? I was only trying to help!"
As Rose looked at him amusement danced in her eyes.
"It just goes to show, underneath the Timelord exterior, you're just a bloke with a bloke's fantasies!"
His eyes widened in surprise.
"I was making a genuine offer to help!"
Rose giggled as she shook her head.
"Stop it Doctor...just get back to...flying the Tardis, or something!"
"But I'm only trying to explain -"
"Yeah, yeah...fly that Tardis..."
Then Rose turned away and looked out towards dark space scattered with stars, and as she watched them sparkle, amusement still danced in her eyes.
Back in Perivale the Doctor and Ace stood in their own Tardis, exchanged a glance and laughed.
"I can't believe he said that!" she exclaimed, and the Doctor shook his head as he smiled.
"I believe his hearts were in the right place – he meant well. He just didn't stop to think before making the suggestion!"
Ace giggled.
"As if I'd sleep with anyone else – even another version of you!"
And the Doctor laughed again.
And neither of them heard a key turning in the door of the Tardis...
"What a gross idea!" Ace exclaimed, "I'm surprised he didn't suggest a threesome!"
The Doctor laughed even harder.
"I was half expecting him to suggest getting all the doctors and companions together and put all the Tardis keys in a punchbowl, and then let everyone choose a key to see who they get for the night!"
And they both laughed again. The Doctor put his arms around her as his eyes shone with amusement.
"I haven't laughed this hard for so long...it feels so good!"
"Excuse me..."
Ace and the Doctor ended their embrace and turned to see Rebel had joined them.
"Don't you know how to knock?" the Doctor asked him.
Rebel smiled nervously.
"I was just passing by so I thought I'd say hello...I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, about your desire to try a threesome. I want you to know I find the idea of your fantasy perfectly acceptable!"
And then he smiled again, and continued:
"I'm willing to give it a go – but only with Ace, we could share her, if you get what I mean!"
Ace's jaw dropped as she stared at him.
The Doctor raised an eyebrow but said nothing as Rebel continued:
"You'd love that, Ace – me on the floor, you in the middle and the Doctor on top – you could have a Doctor sandwich! But I don't like being in charge in the bedroom, I'd get much more excitement out of it if you bossed me about and told me what to do. So, what do you think?"
Ace looked at the Doctor.
"I'm thinking about masking tape for his mouth!" she exclaimed.
Rebel's eyes lit up excitedly.
"You want to gag me? Now you're on my wavelength!"
"Rebel," the Doctor said as he held back the urge to laugh out loud,"You misunderstood. We don't want a threesome. Ever."
"We were just having a laugh," Ace added, "And saying what a gross, disgusting idea it was."
Rebel's face turned scarlet.
Oh...I see! My mistake, then. Sorry, forget I said all that...I must get going now, I forgot, I have something to do back at my Tardis...See you later."
As he hurried for the door and left the console room, the Doctor and Ace laughed again, and for the second time the Doctor thought how great it felt to be strong and well enough to be able to laugh this hard again, because it felt so good.
The weeks passed.
The Doctor's health continued to improve.
Then Ace told him she would wait in the Tardis while he went to get his blood checked by Carla. He knew this day would have come eventually, but it didn't make facing her alone any easier...
He felt tense as he knocked on the door, and when Carla Bailey answered it she welcomed him inside and led him down to the treatment room. He tried not to think about her and all the things he wished they could do together, because he loved Ace, but replacing thoughts of lust with thoughts of Ace was difficult as he thought more on the fact that he was at alone at last with Carla once more...
The Doctor took off his hat and jacket and left them on the bed and then sat down on a chair and rolled up his sleeve.
"You're looking well Doctor," Carla said warmly, and she ran her fingers through dark hair that was starting to curl once more.
"Your hair has grown back fast," she added, "You look great."
"Thanks," he said quietly, trying not to think about the way her touch had sent a shiver through his body that he didn't want to forget.
And suddenly he was too aware of their closeness. He turned his head as she leaned over him and their eyes met.
"I've missed you," Carla said softly, "I never thought I'd get a chance to be alone with you again."
The Doctor got up from the chair and faced her.
"I really have," she told him, "I thought I'd never get a chance like this."
"And I love Ace."
"I know, you told me that before."
She was looking at him pleadingly.
"I've missed you so much!"
She placed her hand on his cheek and then caught her breath as the Doctor pushed it roughly away.
"Don't!" he snapped, and then he leaned closer and grabbed her face, forcing her to look at him. In that moment she caught sight of something powerful and ancient in his eyes that reminded her this man was definitely alien...
"This can't happen," he said darkly, and then he let go of her face and grabbed her roughly by the shoulders, dragging her closer as he covered her mouth with a rough kiss. There was nothing tender about the way he pushed her legs apart and tugged up her skirt, even as he thrust against her his movements were bruising.
Then as he rested against her shoulder for a brief moment to get his breath back he turned his face away, avoiding her kiss.
"This can't happen again," he said as he let her go and began to tidy up his clothing, "This didn't happen, okay?"
She was pulling her skirt back down with shaking hands.
"Okay?" he said sharply, and she nodded, then ran her fingers through her hair to flip it off her face.
"I'm not your lover," the Doctor told her, "And this never gets back to Ace, do you understand me?"
She nodded again and took a deep breath.
"I'd better get your blood test done," she said quietly, and then the Doctor sat back with his sleeve rolled up as she prepared to take a sample.
While he waited for the test results, the Doctor got dressed, feeling keen to leave and vowing next time he would bring Ace with him, even though she hated watching him take a needle in his arm.
He didn't have to wait long for Carla to return.
When she came back into the room she was tearful and he guessed she knew what to expect – he had done some thinking and decided he had to spell it out clearly to her – this really could never happen again, because he loved his wife and wasn't planning on losing her...
As she stood beside him she spoke quietly.
"Doctor, I -"
Don't," he said, "There's nothing to talk about. You and me -"
"No, it's not about us..."
She broke off with a sharp breath and he looked up to see she had tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry but it's not good news."
And she held out a small monitor that displayed the results of his blood test. The Doctor read the result and for a moment felt as if the floor had given way beneath him.
"I'm sorry," she said, "The toxin levels have risen. You're now at forty-six percent. You're no longer in recovery."
The Doctor gave a sob and reached for Carla, and she held him as he wept and wondered how he could ever bring himself to break the news to Ace, who would be heart broken...
His tears were brief, and then he let go of her and got up and wiped his eyes before snatching up his question mark umbrella.
"I'm still working on an antidote," she reminded him, "Please don't give up hope."
"Bye, Carla," was all he said, and then he left the apartment and began to walk back to the Tardis, thinking of nothing but how to break the news to Ace that their almost normal life was gone once more, and this time it would never be coming back...
When the Doctor returned to the Tardis, his hearts felt heavy.
But now the worst had happened, it had put all else into sharp perspective – he had decided he would speak to Carla again, late at night when Ace was sleeping. He would call her and tell her calmly but firmly that their relationship was over, because he had limited time now, and he wanted to spend every moment he had left with the woman he loved – and that woman was his wife...
The Doctor was lost in those thoughts as he entered the console room and still could not find the words to break the news to Ace.
Then she walked in from the corridor, and suddenly no words were needed.
Her smile faded as she caught the look in his eyes, and then her own eyes glazed with tears.
"Professor? What's wrong?"
He shook his head as he held back from weeping again.
"What's happened? Is it...no, it's not, it's not the blood results?"
He looked at her sadly and nodded.
"Oh no, Professor!" she said tearfully, and then she was holding him and he was clinging on to her tightly as they wept together.
As he sobbed in her arms he remembered the other Doctors still lived, so perhaps he would survive, although at this moment, it seemed unlikely because in the absence of a cure it seemed as if there was no hope left.
He wanted to believe he would survive, he needed to believe it, but at that moment after receiving such terrible news, he didn't want to think any more about anything, instead, he just wanted to cling to Ace, because in her arms, at least there he felt safe and warm and home at last no matter how the future turned out, because for the precious moments he clung to her, he knew he was safe.
