Cesaria's apartment was quiet and dark. Nick turned the lights on and was glad not to find Sonya there. He needed to be alone. He already missed Amanda and he didn't want any questions, talking about it was going to cause more pain, and it was painful enough.
"Nick?" a stunned Sonya stood at the door, it took Nick a moment to realize last night wasn't a dream, he said goodbye to Amanda, drove to the apartment and somehow fell asleep on the couch.
"What?" he mumbled and sat up.
"What are you doing here?" she walked over to the couch and sat down next to her brother, unhappy.
"I thought I'd stay here until I find another place to stay" he replied quietly.
"A place to stay?" Sonya was confused at first, but then realization sunk in, he left Amanda's apartment "I'm sorry"
"Don't worry about it" he gestured at her bag "I brought your things. I'll stay on the floor"
"What happened?"
"Listen Sonya" he decided to change the subject "I'm sorry for what I said, ok? It was wrong"
"It was"
"And you know that I care about you, a lot" he smiled "I feel really bad for saying it"
"Apology accepted" she decided to forgive him, seeing that he was upset about this breakup "and I'm sorry"
Nick wanted to say everything was fine but he didn't feel like lying.
"It wasn't because of me, was it?" Sonya let go, maybe Amanda didn't like the fact she stayed at her place or the fact that they argued.
"Of course not" Nick smiled "it was just temporary and it was time"
Sonya decided not to say anything else for now, it was clear it hurt him and he didn't need her probing, maybe she shouldn't have talked about it at all. She wanted her brother to be happy and she could tell that he really loved Amanda, she'd give him time before bringing it up again.
"Remember when we moved to New York? There were no beds in the bedroom and I cried?" Nick nodded "you told me it's gonna be like camping"
"And you said that camping sucked" he smiled.
"We still had fun, I couldn't find my CDs so you sang me my favorite songs. We can do that again, sleep on the floor. Well, you're gonna sleep on the floor"
"But I'm not singing anything" he warned.
"We'll see about that" She kissed his cheek "you're a good brother Nick, not the best brother, but a good one"
"Thanks Sonya, that's nice. Did you go see mom?" he asked.
"Yeah" she placed her head on his shoulder "thank god she's better"
"She's gonna be fine" he said.
Sonya looked at her older brother, right now she wondered if he was going to be fine.
Amanda returned to the apartment, Frannie greeted her and Amanda patted her for a while. Even though the apartment was small, lately it seemed too big. She got used to having someone there, to seeing Nick sitting on the couch, cooking in the kitchen, lying in the bed.
It's been a week and she wasn't sure how she was feeling, she knew he was going to leave at some point, but when it happened it was so unexpected, he caught her off guard. She thought they'd have time to say goodbye, not just a quick kiss at the door, as if this was the end of a date and he was kissing her goodnight and not goodbye. But she knew that it didn't matter, it didn't matter because she didn't want to part. In all of her relationships she somehow ended up hurt, as if there was a sign above her head saying hurt me. But with Nick, even when things got rough, they were able to forgive and move on. She was the one who said that everything was temporary, but she didn't want things with Nick to be temporary, she really wanted things with him to last. But he had a family, and the fact he wanted to be with his children was admirable.
But moving closer to them meat moving away from her. It meant she was hurt again, alone again.
"I've got you" Amanda smiled at Frannie "right girl?"
The dog sniffed her and Amanda took that as a yes.
Nick's mother was out of the hospital for two weeks and they've been all living in the small apartment. Nick got an inflatable mattress and it felt a little like when they were kids, in their first apartment in New York, only this time the siblings were the ones staying in the living room and they were older.
"So what was wrong with the apartment you saw today?" Sonya asked, Nick was looking for a place, but it wasn't easy, the realtor showed him a lot of places but for Nick something always felt wrong.
"It was too small, Zara and Gil will stay there when they visit, so I can't live in a shoe box" he finished washing the plates.
"I'm sure you'll find something soon" Cesaria gave him a kiss "and in the meantime we like having you here"
"Maybe you like it mom" Sonya joked "I liked it better when I had the living room all to myself"
Nick didn't have to turn around to see the look Cesaria gave Sonya. Whenever he mentioned something about him staying there she was rewarded with a reprimanding stare from Cesaria. The older woman was upset to find out that he has moved to the apartment because it meant Amanda and he were done. She really hoped her son would work something out with her. She didn't know her well, but the little she did know, she liked. Nick tried to act like everything was fine but it was clear he missed her.
Cesaria noticed the way he checked his phone, wondering if she called, the way he stared out the window, thinking about her. She didn't say a word, even though she wanted to tell him he was making a big mistake, that he could come up with a solution. But Cesaria knew her son, and when it came to matters of the heart he didn't want to hear anybody's advice.
"Trust me" Nick smiled "I can't wait to get away from your snoring"
"I do not snore!" Sonya said seriously.
Cesaria went to bed early, like she did every night and Nick was forced to watch TV with Sonya.
"Didn't we watch this movie yesterday?" Nick thought the story was familiar.
"Of course not" she shook her head "it's a completely different movie"
"It looks exactly the same, all of their movies look the same"
"It's Hallmark Nick, they are sweet and romantic, unlike you" she teased.
Nick ignored the last remark "it's not real, life is not like that"
"That's where you're wrong" Sonya turned to him "you think that everything has to be complicated, but that's not true, not everyone has a soap opera as a life, like you" she didn't mean this as an insult so she smiled slightly.
"Yeah" Nick got up and poured himself a glass of water.
"I didn't mean to upset you Nick" Sonya followed him to the kitchen "it was a joke"
"You didn't" he said "I'm just thirsty"
Sonya was under strict orders not to say anything about Amanda, their mother was very serious about it. But Sonya wanted to say something, they were happy together so why wasn't Nick doing anything about it? Why was he giving up? He was supposed to run to her, tell her that he was in love with her, that they were meant to be, and it would rain and…
"Sonya?" Nick noticed a goofy grin on his sister's face.
"Nothing" she returned to the living room and turned her attention back to the screen "you're missing it"
"I have a feeling I know how it's gonna end" he reluctantly sat on the couch.
"Happily ever after" she smiled "and don't say that's not how life works, that is exactly why we have these movies, so you'll be happy after the end" she knew exactly what his next words would be so she didn't give him a chance to say them "I know that a wedding isn't the end, blah, blah, blah…but some of us don't want to see just the bad side and be miserable"
"Ok" Nick stood up again, he needed some air "I'm going out"
"Where are you going?
"Out" Nick put on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and left.
He let his feet carry him but he knew very well that Amanda lived far away, he wouldn't make it there by foot. A part of him wanted to see her but he couldn't even bring himself to call, ask her how she was doing. He hoped she'd call him and checked his phone a few times a day. But Amanda didn't call, didn't send any messages.
Thinking about their radio silence made Nick's heart ache, he hoped it was a heart attack, anything but what was really happening, anything but a broken heart. His was probably shattered by now, with all of the heartache he's been through. And Amanda, with what she's been through…maybe they caused more damage, but it felt so good, it felt so good to be with her.
When Nick returned home Sonya pretended to be asleep, he could see her open her eyes for a quick second, thankfully she didn't say anything about the slight redness in his eyes.
0
"I don't need any more stuff Sonya" Nick said, he had finally found a place and she joined him to bring some of his things from storage.
"I'm not talking about a lot of stuff" she insisted "just some linens, towels that sore of thing"
"Why would I need anything when I have more than enough here?"
"Don't you want something new?" she asked.
"I don't need it" he locked the door and picked up the boxes he was going to take to his new place.
"That apartment is pretty crappy, some new stuff will make it look a lot better" she continued, Sonya really didn't like the place he chose.
"You can just say you don't want me to move" Nick smiled at her.
"Yeah right! I can't wait for you to be out of my hair" she sat down in the car.
"Now you get mom's living room for yourself" Nick drove to the building, Sonya didn't hide her dislike of the place, but Nick couldn't spend a lot of money and after seeing too many places he took the first thing he didn't completely hate.
Sonya was glad to offer her interior decorating skills, even though Nick didn't ask or wanted it. But he was glad she helped him clean up, even if it only helped a little.
"Ok, let's just stop at one place, buy one thing, it's bad luck to move to a place without buying anything new"
"You just made that up?" Nick glanced at her.
"Look it up" she said "obviously not right now, cause you're driving, but after we buy something"
"Why do you care about it so much? I don't need anything new"
"I just want it to look better for you and for the kids, would it be so bad to get something new? For me"
Nick decided to give up, it's not like it really mattered to him and if she cared about it that much…
They walked into a store and Nick gave her a budget of fifty dollars, she wasn't too thrilled but ended up choosing a few things for the new place.
"Happy?" he asked when they walked out of the store.
"You can be cheap" she shook her head "and…"
Sonya went silent and Nick looked at her to make sure she was ok, the moment he turned his head Nick could see what happened, Amanda was walking down the street.
Sonya gave him a confused look and for a second Nick thought this was a set up, but Amanda wouldn't do something like that and how else could Sonya know where she'd be.
"Let's go" Nick said and rushed to the car, they were pretty far from her.
Once they were in the car Nick was sure she didn't see them, she stopped to check something on her phone and then continued without looking at the car's direction.
She looked exactly the same, of course, it's been just over a month since they last spoke, but still, Nick almost expected her to be different, changed by what had transpired between them.
"Nick" Sonya's voice was soft.
"We should go, Zara and Gil will be here in a few days and I want to make sure everything's ready"
There was no elevator in the building and Nick appreciated Gil's help with the luggage, Maria always packed so many things for Zara he was a little scared she had secret plans this weekend.
"This is it" he let them walk into the room.
"Oh" Zara said, sounding a little disappointed, her dad did say it was a studio, one room but big enough for the three of them.
"I know it's not that great" he caressed the top of her head "but it's ok, I promise that when I move to LA I will get a better place"
"I think it's fine dad" Gil said.
"It's temporary" Nick smiled, suddenly regretting not bringing more of their things from storage, maybe he should have let Sonya get more decorations.
"Have you been to our old house?" Zara asked, checking the couch.
"No" Nick was a little surprised himself, the thought hasn't really crossed his mind. When he was staying with Amanda he didn't feel out of place and when he left…
"…but I don't know if I want to" he realized Zara was talking about it while he got lost in thoughts.
"How about we go visit abuela, she's very happy you're here" Nick offered, afraid this was going to turn into a car ride down memory lane.
"How is she?" Gil asked, the children called her and they were pretty up to date, except for the close call with the septic shock.
"The doctor said that the chemo is working, he even smiled the last time we saw him" this wasn't a lie, the doctor said that even though the chemo had bad side effects, it was doing the job.
This weekend was better than the last one, there were no tears, even though no one enjoyed Nick's new apartment. But the children were so much more optimistic, it almost felt like old times, before they moved away, when Nick could see them whenever he wanted. This was exactly the reminder he needed, the reason why he made the choice to move. He was a father and a father belonged with his family.
Nick said goodbye to the kids at the airport, he missed them already and hoped that soon he'd join them in California. There was a lot of sadness he wanted to leave behind in New York.
As usual he had dinner with Cesaria and Sonya and helped cleaning up after his mother went to sleep.
"Zara complained about your apartment" Sonya said "you should have let me decorate"
"She understands it's…temporary" he smiled "and I will find something nicer in LA"
"I can help you decorate" Sonya crossed her arms "and it's gonna look like a home and not like a…temporary thing"
"We'll talk about it when the time comes" Nick wasn't going to move before his mother was healthy.
"I have a feeling it's gonna happen soon, I think this will be the last round of chemo, I am willing to bet everything I have on it"
"I don't want to make any bets and you don't have much so…" Nick kissed his sister's cheek and walked to the couch. He wanted to head back to his place, where he could choose what to watch on TV.
"You're so funny Nicholas" Sonya sat down next to him "I think we should get mom a gift for when she'd better"
"Sure, but maybe we should wait"
"But we can think of something" Sonya turned the TV on, another one of her romantic films.
"Well, you could always find her old flame" he joked.
"Who are you talking about?" she was curious.
"Do you remember she told us about seeing a man when we were young?"
"Of course I do, he moved away and she stayed here"
"Turns out it's Tommy's father" he let her know, seeing her expression change from confusion to understanding.
"Your friend Tommy?" she asked and Nick nodded "oh my god Nick! That is a great idea! You are a genius sometimes"
"I was only joking Sonya…" she was very enthusiastic and turned her computer on "I am going to find Tommy on facebook and ask him about his dad, it's gonna be so romantic! What's his last name?"
"O'Brian" it took Nick a moment to remember "but…"
"Found him, I think" she showed him the screen, wanting to make sure this was the right Tommy O'Brian.
"It is him but Sonya…" it was useless, she already sent him a friend request and wrote him a long message.
"Hey Tommy, I don't know if you remember me" she read it to Nick "I'm Sonya Amaro, Nick Amaro's sister. You two were friends long ago. We have just found out that your dad and our mom had a little thing going on" she glanced at Nick, smiling "years ago. Our mom has cancer, but she is getting better and Nick and I thought it would be a great idea if we could bring them back together, if your dad is single. Please write me back" she looked up at Nick again "I am so excited!"
"Calm down, we don't know anything about…"
"He already wrote me back!" Sonya almost squealed and read him the message "of course I remember you and I had no idea about my father and your mother (sorry to hear about the cancer). My dad is single and right now we are having a little family gathering so he is visiting me at my place in Long Island. If you want you, you can come by when you have the chance, call my number and say hey to Nick" Sonya's eyes widened with excitement like she was five years old at Christmas morning "I am going to call him right now and set it up"
"We can't take mom to Long Island, it's gonna be too hard for her" Nick said, even though it wasn't such a long drive Cesaria was too weak for it.
"Then we will go there and see them and bring mom's boyfriend here…Nick" she grabbed his hand "this was a really good idea!"
"It was a joke" he whispered.
Sonya made up an excuse and the following day they were on their way to Long Island. She was so happy Nick didn't have the heart to tell her not to get her hopes up. But when they got there turned out her hopes were in the right place, Tommy was very happy to see them. He introduced them to his wife and his children, to his father, Barry, who was curious to hear more about Cesaria, and his younger brother Connor, who Nick remembered but Sonya never met before.
"So where did you move?" Sonya asked Barry when they were having lunch.
"To Atlanta" he replied and took a bite of his stake.
"Atlanta" Sonya noted, in the back of her mind she remembered she has met someone from there but who? Then it hit her and she gave Nick a quick glance "you lived there for a long time?"
"Yes" Barry nodded "until I retired, but now I live in Los Angeles, not far from Connor"
"Really?" Sonya's eyes widened "Nick's moving there when mom gets better"
"Yeah?" Connor asked "I'm a realtor there, give me a call and I will help you find a place. I still remember when we were kids, Tommy never allowed me to join you guys but Nick always said that I could. So don't worry, I got you covered"
Nick thanked him and placed his business card in his pocket.
"I told you so, didn't I?" Sonya said when Nick drove off. It went better than she had anticipated and she couldn't wait to tell Cesaria.
"It was nice to see them" he nodded. He had some time to talk with Tommy alone and it was fun to reminisce.
"You see" she added "after all these years mom's gonna be happy, and you said that my romantic movies weren't true"
"Nothing happened yet, but I hope things will work out"
"It's never too late" Sonya smiled "and Tommy's kids are so cute"
"And Connor…" Nick noticed she was very interested in him.
"He's so nice" she smiled "he promised to find you a good place"
"Did he promise you anything?" Nick teased.
"Nick!" Sonya gave him a stern look and turned away, smiling from ear to ear.
The next few days were full of excitement, at least from Sonya's side. She was the one to tell Cesaria about the little trip and about Barry. She wasn't sure about seeing him while she was sick but Sonya convinced her otherwise and Barry and Connor drove to New York and the kids were not allowed to join the date. Apparently it was a successes because they came again and this time stayed for a few days. They had dinner together and Nick felt like the fifth wheel, Cesaria was talking to Barry, Sonya had something going on with Connor. Nick felt alone even though there were other people in the room. When Cesaria went to bed Barry left for the hotel, leaving Connor at the apartment. Nick knew Sonya wanted to be alone with the guy so he gave the couple space and went back to his place.
He took a shower and turned the TV on so the apartment wouldn't be so quiet. He missed living with someone, hearing another person's voice, Amanda's voice. When Barry mentioned he moved to Atlanta Nick couldn't fight the nagging voice, this time it asked him what if…what if his mother would have left New York with Barry and he'd end up being a cop in Atlanta, maybe he and Amanda would meet earlier and…
But it was useless to think about it. This was his life and not some fantasy. He didn't get one of those happy endings like in the romantic movies Sonya liked so much. He wished he did, he wanted to be happy, to be with his kids, to be with Amanda but it wasn't in the cards.
Nick took a deep breath and changed the channel. He recognized the woman on the screen, it was that talk show, Betty's talking, the one he watched at the hospital the day his mother fainted, he called Amanda and they talked. He wanted to talk to her so badly, to see her, to be with her. It took a lot of willpower for him not to call her, not to say that he missed her, that he wanted to be with her.
"So what I'm saying Betty" the woman on the screen said "you need to ask the universe…say: universe, I need your help"
"That sounds amazing" Betty clapped and the entire audience repeated the words.
Nick chuckled and turned it off. But even without the noise from the screen Nick couldn't turn off the thing that woman said, ask the universe, it was stupid but he was alone, no one would know.
So he asked.
"Universe" Nick said, not believing it was his voice "I need your help"
He expected something to happen but nothing did, I'm a fool, Nick thought and walked to the kitchen.
A knock on the door startled him and Nick thought he was hearing things, until he heard the knock again. He rushed to the door and didn't even look through the peephole before opening it.
"Hey" she said.
"Amanda" Nick whispered.
One more chapter left
