Chapter Eleven
Catharsis
8:00 PM
When Kate and Alexis walked in the door to Kate's apartment they were both physically and emotionally drained. The events of that day had run them through the ringer, leaving both of them numb. Shortly after Rick had come out of recovery and had been settled back into his private room they had each only had a precious few minutes with him before being gently ushered out by the duty nurse. Barely enough time to squeeze his hand, brush a quick kiss to his forehead and offer a whispered "I love you" into this ear.
Though it was enough to know that his surgery was a success and he was going to pull through, they would both have liked to spend a little more time at his beside. To be there if he gave even the slightest sign of waking up.
Martha had assured them both that she wooed let them know if there was any change, though the attending physician had explained that he was so thoroughly sedated from his surgery that he would likely be out for the rest of the night and well into the next day, so Martha convinced them both the best course of action was to go back to her place and try to get some rest.
By mutual agreement, they had a very light dinner of leftover macaroni and cheese and some mixed fruit and went straight to bed. Both were planning to be up early to return to the hospital.
2:45 AM
Kate had given up on any pretense of sleep two hours ago. Settling in under the covers with Heat Wave, Rick's unofficial first love letter to her, instead. She needed to lose herself in his words, feel them envelop her, comfort her, even though she'd read them several times over. Page 105 still gave her that same sharp thrill it had when she read it the first time. When she was lost in these pages, in his words, she was transported to a place where she felt whole again. Even if only for a little while.
Just as she was getting to the end of the book, she heard a quiet, tentative tapping at her door.
"Detective Beckett...may I come in?"
Kate rose from her bed, and opened her bedroom door to find Alexis in a similar state as herself. Tired beyond measure, but unable to find solace in slumber. The events of that day had obviously shaken them both to the core. She urged the girl to have a seat on her bed while she pulled up her chair.
"I guess I'm not the only one not getting much rest tonight." Kate said finally.
Alexis looked up at her, her pale blue eyes shimmering in the dim light, fumbling for words. 'So like her father.' Kate thought.
"I know they say he's going to be all right now...but...I just keep seeing him stop breathing," she said shakily, "the doctors working on him, hearing his heart stop..." Alexis turned her head away for a moment, her hair blocking her face as she wiped away an errant tear, "I can't get it out of my head, like the...like the...the day I found him...in his study.."
Kate moved from her chair to sit beside Alexis on the bed and moved to put an arm around the girl's slender shoulders, but Alexis put out a hand to stop her. Making the conscious effort to control her breathing.
"Det...Kate..." Alexis began, her voice hushed "you need to know how absolutely devastated dad was when you left, when you never called. He blamed himself for your shooting, and he thought that you blamed him too. He thought you didn't care about him anymore and it was tearing him apart."
Kate's own eyes began to water at this, she struggled for a response, but Alexis continued on.
"He became distant, spent most of his time either at the precinct or in his study. There were times when he didn't come home for days and wouldn't tell me where he'd gone. Once he even came home with a black eye and bruised knuckles. I was going out of my mind with worry."
Tears were flowing down Kate's cheeks. She was making no effort to hold them back. It was everything she'd feared when she heard about his stabbing.
"It was even worse after the new captain kicked him out of the precinct. He thought the one chance he had to make things right between you again had slipped through his fingers. That you had gone off with Josh and he was left with nothing but this big hole inside and nothing could fill it. He'd spend hours just staring at his smart board, or in his room, crying himself to sleep."
Kate buried her head in her hands, it was even worse than she thought.
"I hated you." Alexis continued, her blue eyes flaring at the memory "More and more with each passing day. Everything Lanie said when she came to visit. I felt it too."
Kate had pulled her legs up and wrapped her hands around them, unable to look Alexis in the eye, all pretense of control now gone.
"Then I found him on the floor of his study...bleeding...calling your name...he begged me to tell you that he forgave you...that he was sorry...and that he loved you...and he always will...even if you didn't love him back. My father...was...was...bleeding to death...in my arms and...and...and.. all he could think about was you."
It was then, as Alexis finally burst into tears that Kate truly broke. His words in the cemetery ringing in her ears. "Kate...I love you...I love you Kate."
She let go of her legs and pulled Alexis into her arms as the girl sobbed bitterly.
"Oh...Alexis...no..." Kate whispered into the girl's hair, "I do love him...I do...you have no idea how much...I was so messed up and afraid...afraid that he didn't mean it...that he only said it because he thought I was dying...when he told me he loved me...afraid that I couldn't be...enough for him...that he deserved so much better than someone as broken as me..."
"Deserve...has nothing...has nothing...to do with it...Kate" Alexis sobbed, "he loves you...he meant every word...and it was tearing him apart.."
"Please...promise me...promise me you won't hurt him like that again...he wouldn't survive it...please..." Alexis begged
"I promise...I'll try to be better...make myself better...for him...for you...for me." Kate replied, "I want him in my life, I don't think I could go on if he wasn't...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..."
Both of them continued sobbing until they cried themselves out. As Kate's tears began to dry up, she realized that somehow, Alexis had cried herself to sleep.
She eased the girl back onto her bed, covered her with her blanket and after brushing a light kiss to her forehead, climbed into the other side of her bed and slowly drifted off to sleep.
