Chapter 11: I Know You're Coming Back For Me This Time.
Song: Another Day by Paramore
mindless rambling as I try to make sense of my thoughts
I understand why he went away-
Stop thinking about grabbing Kai and ravishing him on the floor of his empty kitchen in the middle of the night-
THERE WERE OTHER THINGS THAT HAPPENED TOO. OTHER THINGS HAPPENED TOO. THINK ABOUT THOSE.
I cannot believe I told him I loved him (and he didn't even say it back? What kind of a loser am I. Do I have no sense of pride?)
But I really do love him.
He looked so lost when I finished explaining to him how I was feeling, clinging on so desperately to me, looking so devastated when I almost told him I couldn't do it-
and I finally saw a tinge of what I feel for him so maybe it's worth a try
I know that you left before goodbye and it's ok there's always another-
Kai stopped himself from hugging me because I told him to take it a little slow and that is just so sweet
I think everything Kai does for me is sweet this is why it was so hard for me to hate him when loving him just comes easier to me
Oh my God. He is really attractive, I get that but there are MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN SHAGGING HIM ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR-
Maybe Tyson's right and it's the year of no contact, and all the sexual tension has built up and now it's exploding.
Fuck I think I'll really need to start keeping a pack of condoms with me at all times because I do not trust myself with this anymore
did he ever want me did he ever need me?
I think it's safe to trust Kai just a little bit
CAN WE SKIP TO THE MAKING OUT PART ALREADY BECAUSE THAT WAS JUST SO GOOD
"So have you two decided to get married yet?" Tyson says while we're sitting in the middle of Kai's empty living room, and he's slurping on the noodles we ordered that afternoon. He dropped by earlier to deliver Kai's mail only to discover me sleeping in his living room, woke me up by playing flappy bird on full volume on my phone right next to me and hasn't stopped pestering me since.
"No." I snap at him, "And I haven't slept all night, Tyson. Give me a fucking break." Which, I realized too late, was the absolutely wrong thing to say to Tyson right then because-
"You two are having stay-up-all-night kinda sex already? Whoa, slow your genitals-" I let out a frustrated groan as he continues, "-But I guess that's what a year's worth of pent up sexual tension does to you. You both better be using protection, we don't want your minions running around just yet-"
I know he's joking but I've spent the last entire week crying my eyes out over a stupid (not so stupid) boy and his (understandably) stupid antics and have been mostly feeding ice cream and KFC take out and even Kai left me alone after breakfast this morning because I was so snappy and I am so not in the mood to be having conversation about my hypothetical fuck life right now.
So I empty my half filled noodle-box on top of Tyson's head. And for good measure, spill water in his lap. And as I laugh at him, for some strange reason he's frozen in his spot on the floor, an unreadable expression on his face as he looks up at me (I had to stand up on my knees to turn the box over on his head because he's so much taller than I am) and goes, "Hilary, are those hickeys?"
And for a moment, I think he's, you know, gone cuckoo, loosened the few nuts that were holding his brain inside his cranium, and then I remember the events of last night actually started with a rather heated make out session and when I had moved my arm to throw noodles on Tyson, my shirt had slid off my shoulder a little bit-
-mother of fucking fried fish-sticks, there are hickeys on my collar bone.
THERE ARE HICKEYS ON MY COLLAR BONE AND TYSON SAW THEM.
Oh em eff fucking gee. My life is so over.
To: salimonella
From: wickedwitch
Subject: THIS IS URGENT
How do you get rid of hickeys?!
To: wickedwitch
From: salimonella
Subject: I thought you told Johnny you don't want a physical relationship
Hide them till they go away on their own.
To: salimonella
From: wickedwitch
Subject: I DID TELL HIM THAT
THEY ARE ON MY COLLAR BONE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE EXPOSING MY SHOULDERS AND I DONT HAVE A SHIRT THAT HIDES MY COLLAR BONE. IT IS SEPTEMBER I CAN'T WEAR TURTLE NECKS OR SCARVES OR LET DOWN MY HAIR FOR LONG I AM FREAKING OUT PLEASE SEND HELP.
To: wickedwitch
From: salimonella
Subject: then why do you have hickeys to hide
Hils, calm down. I'll bring a couple of my old shirts that'll cover them up. You're at the Dojo?
To: salimonella
From: wickedwitch
Subject: because I made out with someone ok.
COUPLE? HOW LONG DO HICKEYS LAST? FIND ME IN GRANDPA'S OLD TRAINING ROOM.
To: wickedwitch
From: salimonella
Subject: It's Kai isn't it?
Depends on how...passionate it was.
Dojo Residence. In Training Room.
Salima took one look at me, whistled, handed me like, ten shirts, and went, "Girl, take all of these. This'll last a while."
And what fucking gives. If Kai had to be a flipping animal he could have done it somewhere that's fucking easier to hide than my collar bone.
I LOVE MY OFF-SHOULDER SHIRTS.
Dojo Residence. TV Room.
Max looks at me when I sit down next to him on the old couch and goes, "Where were you all week? And why are you wearing clothes like that?"
By which he means what is it that I'm trying to do walking around with clothes that are actually covering my shoulders because my clothing choices are no secret. And I know he means well and shit but I am so frustrated today that I just snap at him and tell him to watch his porn elsewhere.
And he just raises an eyebrow and shakes his head like I'm a nutter case and starts flipping through the channels. Whatever.
Note: for all the sex jokes Tyson throws around about Kai and me, he sure is quiet now that he's had some actual proof to back him up
a conversation between Kai and me as we stand by the kitchen counter to make some lists
"Why do you keep wearing these ugly T-shirts."
Blushing madly but suddenly remembering I was pissed "Because you left reminders." And when he looks confused, I hiss out a, "Hickeys. On my collar."
Turning red but looking the least bit sorry, he goes, "You tore my shirt. There are bloody scratches on my back."
Really? Hawt. "At least you can cover them up! I love my skimpy clothes!"
He mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like a Well, so do I and when I glare at him, "Jesus, just tell me where you want them the next time."
Too embarrassed at that point to come up with a retort and have to look away.
For Kai's new house (compiled by Kai Hiwatari and Hilary Tachibana)
to do
CALL EXTERMINATOR BCZ TOO MANY BUGS AT NIGHT
have pipes checked
Have walls and doors checked for damage before painting
Find old newspapers (don't want paint on the floors)
Change locks (hot real estate agents have keys to this place for fucks sake that's totally UNSAFE also, oh, yeah she used to be a THEIF?)
call interior designer to bring in furniture when done painting
buy
first aid kit
waterproof paint (Brown. Black. Yellow)
paint rollers
coffee machine
mugs
refrigerator
oven
cutlery
frying pans. spatulas.
Dish soap.
Washing machine
Mops. Detergents. Vacuum. Bleach. (after painting and before furniture)
cat food for that stray cat that lives on the porch that Kai keeps leaving milk for
MILK
TOILET PAPER
ratpoison
bedsheets
bed (even though Kai says he only sleeps on the futon)
futons
grocery list
coffee
bread
apple jam
eggs
mustard. ketchup.
salt. pepper.
pasta
spinach. Carrots. Turnips. Garlic. Apples. Walnuts. potatoes
Rice
juice
butter
frozen pizza
ICE CREAM
Today, as Kai and I were painting his kitchen cabinets yellow, and I was trying very hard not to think about what happened up against the wall in front of me (this is so out of control fuck these hormones) so Kai had to snap his fingers in front of me to catch my attention, he goes, "Want to go out for dinner tonight?"
And I look at him, ignoring the way my heart skips a beat when I do -fuck my heart and it's bad habits- and say, "What's tonight?" Because, there's a brand new fridge in his kitchen, filled with all the food that any of us needs and all six of us have been having dinner here for the past week as we're helping him move in the furniture and paint the walls.
So I have no idea what he's on about, till he goes, "Nothing. Just want to spend some time with you." And he motions with his head towards the hallway, where Tyson and Max are having a water fight with the two old garden hoses that they found in the laundry room. "Alone."
Alone? Alone!
"You mean, like, a date?" I ask before I can stop myself, the roller in my hand slipping, spilling paint on the old newspapers I've lain to keep paint off the floors. Kai shakes his head at me as he bends down to pick it up, probably thinking something along the lines of "Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with this girl. She cries when someone kisses her, she drops things when someone asks her out. What a loser."
Only, he just gives me that smile of his and nods, handing the roller over. And we've spent countless hours alone together before but never after a declaration of you're more than a friend to me so please try harder, and never were they official dates. Because between me putting all my energies into pushing him away ever since he came back and then being too busy helping him move into his new house, we hadn't quite had the chance to catch up yet. Because I have spent the entire of last year, in his absence, questioning my very worth to him, and it feels really good to see him actually trying for me.
So I really mean it when I say to him, "I'd like that."
I'd like that a lot.
GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL. LAW SCHOOL SUPPLIES.
order from etsy before college starts
those cute lady bugs and turtles and carrots and teapots attached to the back of paper clips to use as bookmarks
those ice-cream shaped erasers (I am a child)
pom pom pens (Red. Purple. Orange. Blue. Yellow.)
to do before college starts!
Set up study table
BUY NEW WARDROBE
clean up house for dad and mum's visit (BECAUSE I GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL BABY)
download new music
TRY NOT TO GET COLLAR BONE SUCKED AGAIN (or, well, places that are difficult to hide because I don't really mind-)
buy before LAW SCHOOL starts
grown up stationary
books
scissors. Paper clips. Duct tape.
sheets
pen holders
bag
CONDOMS! EVEN THOUGH WE HAVENT EVEN KISSED YET BUT FUCK THESE HORMONES ARE OUT OF MY CONTROL
There's nothing special about the restaurant that we go to; it's quiet and secluded, and we're sitting by the window. And I'm wearing the dress he's seen me so many times in (because it's the only date-wearable I have that will cover my stupid collar bone enough), and he's in the same button down shirt and black jeans that I remember him wearing last week, and we order the same things that we would have had for dinner as if it's just another day at the Dojo.
Only it's not just another day at the Dojo. It's so much more...intimate. Like kissing in an empty parking area, like making out on the kitchen floor -it's private, it's a rush, it's colors against a pale gray background, it's exhilarating. And it's special. It's so, so special.
When I talk about how excited I am for law school (I got the admission letter that afternoon), Kai listens with a small smile on his face, as if hanging on to every word, and when he puts his hand on mine across the table and goes, "Congratulations." there's a tinge of pride in his voice. "You'll make a great lawyer."
"You think so?" I ask, almost eagerly, because he matters and his opinion matters and squeezes my hand a little before nodding. I smile despite myself.
"You're going to have to try not to hurl the dias at the defendants, though." He smirks, "Word of advice, that might look bad on the resume."
"I plan to act a little bit more professional by that time." I only retort back, not in the mood to bicker as something occurs to me and it feels strange that I've never asked him this in all the years I've known him. "What about you? What are your plans for the future?"
"Granpa Hiwatari's Stooges agreed to branch Hiwatari Corps out in Japan." There's a glint in his eyes, almost mischievous, that makes me wonder if there was some blackmailing on his part involved, "It's not a dream, but it's all the future I have."
"You never wanted it, though." I say gently, not wanting to probe but wanting to know. His family's property and whatever it was that he was an heir of, Kai Hiwatari rarely mentioned in all the years I'd known him. It was one of the things I really loved about him; he was loaded, like boatshit loaded but all that wealth has been scarce, practically absent, perhaps because stuff like that has never mattered to him really but primarily because everything he's ever accomplished has been out of sheer efforts on his part.
He takes a few seconds to answer and it's a simple few words, "No. I never really did."
I want to ask him exactly what he had wanted but I figure that's another conversation for another day. And because I want to know about him, want to cover the gap of a year of no contact between us, I ask him about his stay in Russia,"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it." I tell him when he looks a little uncomfortable, shifting in his seat, "I just wanted to know what you were up to, is all."
"Took a few classes in management." He starts, "Hung out with Tala, Bryan, Spencer and Ian-" I feel a little relieved to hear this because at least he wasn't alone, "-listened to too much Linkin Park and gave stupid interviews that meant shit."
I chuckle, no longer bitter about the 'there was nothing going on between me and her' that he said earlier this year, ignoring how I know how much details he's skimming over, and say, "Emo as always."
He looks like he wants to change the subject, and I should have let him because I don't want to push him, but at the same time I do because I have to know this. "What did your doctor say about, you know..." I trail off, and he shrugs as if dismissively, and says he was fine in a couple of months after his battle with Brooklyn and that the wounds have healed completely by now.
I knew that. Of course I meant something completely different, so I rephrase, "How long have you been taking anxiety medications?" And for a moment I think I've crossed the line, because he looks away, and goes all quiet. I should have changed the subject but I don't, don't want to push him but I do.
I have to know if he's okay.
"Since October of last year." He finally replies after a few tense seconds, looking up but not quite meeting my eye. Instantly I imagine him struggling in a land that I know was never a home to Kai Hiwatari, and my heart breaks. I think he can tell the direction of my thoughts, because he goes, "I don't need them much these days, now that you're not throwing punches or hurling spatulas at me."
I glare at him but he just lets out a small laugh, and soon enough I'm laughing too and for a few minutes, it almost feels like he never left, and that there's not an entire year of lost time to make up for; the conversation flows as smoothly as it used to, and soon enough we're teasing each other over the events of the past few weeks ("I am actually scared to teach you to kick because you are dangerous, Hilary Tachibana." I throw one of the cucumber slices at him.) and laughing at one thing or the other, and when our hands brush against each other or our knees meet by accident under the table I am instantly reminded of the way I so desperately was trying to unbutton his shirt on his kitchen floor just last week and feel a rush of embarrassment-
But it also feel really, really good. And I'm not just content, I feel happy. We can do this, I feel hopeful, We'll get it right this time.
And when we're leaving the restaurant, Kai does this thing he does when he falls back a step or two so I go first and he gently brushes my back as if supporting me and it's not anything at all to anyone else but to me it means the world because it finally feels like home with him.
Update: Ray, Max and Tyson have been waiting up for the both of us at the Dojo -something we didn't expect because it's 12 AM- but they just smile all knowingly at us, and Ray even pats Kai's back as he passes him out the door, and Tyson is making lewd joke again ("I hope Kai did it somewhere that's easier to hide this time") and I have to throw pillows at him. Max just goes, "It was fun to watch all the drama and all, but I'm glad you two worked it out."
Aww.
author's note: i wrote this before I joined a law program myself lol
ICYMI: posted Welcome To My Life's recent chapter last week
