11. Confessions

The weekend had passed and she found herself bright and early in the office of her therapist.

Olivia had sworn her ass now made a permanent impression on the couch where she had taken a second residence.

"So how was your day with Elliot?"

Which day?

Yesterday? The day before?

Oh the day she ditched therapy.

Olivia took a deep breath.

Maybe she should warn her therapist, tell her she needed to prepare herself for this one.

"It was good... We bought new glasses at Crate and Barrel for my apartment… and he offered to be the father of my child."

Her therapist looked at her wide-eyed, clearly faltering on her next thought.

"Ok… and how did you feel when he made this admission?"

"I told him he had lost his mind."

"And?"

"And I told him to stop telling me things like that."

"Stop because it makes you uncomfortable?"

"He offered to get me pregnant. Yes, it made me a little uncomfortable."

"Why?"

"Do I have to explain why?" Olivia's voice was calm at this point. In Elliot's words she had already "freaked out". "He already has five kids, why would he want to father another child?"

"Does it seem that he has thought this through?"

"He said he did. That's why I think he's lost his mind."

"You keep saying he's lost his mind, but he obviously cares for you. I would even say loves you, to whatever extent. Is it so far fetched that he would want to do something so grand for you? Or is it beyond your realm of what you consider is acceptable in the relationship between you two?"

"Maybe… I mean is offering to give you a baby in anyone's realm of immediate understanding? And I mean he's Elliot…"

"He's Elliot?"

"He's my best friend, he was my partner. He's just Elliot…"

"The definition of who he is seems hard for you."

"It's complicated. Elliot and I are complicated."

"You've mentioned that before… Olivia we already know you care for him. In previous sessions, you used the word love when describing your feelings for him. So why won't you let yourself accept that you love him. That you love him more than from the bond you formed in your partnership, or more than just a friend?"

"Because I, I can't."

"You can't? You can't admit it? Or is it something deeper? You're afraid he doesn't love you back? You're afraid your confession will turn him away?"

"I'm not sure... Sometimes, most of the time, I'm convinced he feels the same way, but it's just been too long."

"Too long?"

"I've just, I've convinced myself I shouldn't love him, or be in love with him, for too long."

"He was married."

"Yes."

"And now he's not. So why not tell him how you feel. You can open up the conversation."

"What if the conversation doesn't turn out like I've played it out in my head?" She said with a nervous laugh.

She meant that to come out sarcastic.

It came out nervous.

"Life isn't a fantasy Olivia. And your relationship with Elliot, the real relationship with Elliot, the mental and physical relationship doesn't have to be a fantasy. You can allow it to happen."

Olivia shuffled in the chair, making her uneasiness clear.

"We kissed."

Her therapist sat up in her own chair.

This was getting interesting.

"Ok."

"It was good, it was perfect." Olivia was fidgeting. "It was perfect except I stopped us."

"Why?"

"Because I knew if I kissed him I wouldn't stop, I wouldn't want him to stop. I told him I had to be sure I wouldn't hurt him before I could kiss him like that. He promised not to hurt me… I can't hurt him."

"Neither of you can promise you won't hurt each other."

"I know that… but I have to be sure."

"Olivia, I think his feelings for you are loud and clear. You're telling me you believe he is there for you, but you need reassurance you are there for him. That, you can control."

"I've never loved anyone… I've never loved anyone the way I love him. I've never felt more safe, I've never trusted anyone the way I trust him… I've never felt this way."

The words were raining, no pouring from her mouth.

"Isn't that reassurance enough that you will do your best not to hurt him?"

"But my pattern is to run. I've run from him before."

"But we talked about that situation being different. You ran because you felt you couldn't control yourself in the situation. You felt you were too close, it affected your working relationship, it would have affected his marriage."

"Being with Elliot this time is different, it has to be different."

"Well you have to expect it will be different because your intentions are different."

"That's just it, my intentions are different and he's not just some guy…"

Elliot was never just some guy.

"Are you talking about sleeping with him? Or should I pose the question more so about waking up with him?"

Olivia bit her lip.

Bingo

"Your pattern was to run, to leave the man you had slept with behind. You know Elliot, he cares for you. You don't have to protect yourself from an intimate relationship with him.

"He's being so patient with me. I mean what man lies in bed next to a woman night after night and doesn't try and at least make a pass at her?"

"A man that truly cares about the woman he's with."

"I'm trying, I'm learning… I want to wake-up to him after being intimate with him. I want to change my pattern. I want this to be right, I just want it to be right."

"It won't always be right Olivia, nothing is perfect. But you have to give it a chance. You have to give Elliot the chance. Telling Elliot how you really feel, you allowing an intimate relationship with him, you've got a fifty-fifty shot. If you don't tell him you stay as alone and frustrated, if you do tell him there if a huge possibility you both will be happy. Trust your instincts about Elliot. Trust your feelings of being in love with him. It's ok to be happy."

Olivia sat, trying to process everything.

Why had happiness become such an absurd state of being for her?

Why couldn't she just trust her instincts, trust how she felt about him?

"We talked about some other things you could do to occupy your time, healthy choices, have you been working on that?"

Her therapist had made her peace about Elliot.

"Cooking" Olivia said finally taking her eyes away from the plush shag rug beneath her feet. "I started cooking and I started going to a yoga class on Tuesday/Thursday."

"Those both sound like healthy choices. Are you enjoying these activities?"

Therapy questions.

"Yeah, I am. Turns out I'm not such a lousy cook and that and yoga it seems to occupy my mind."

"Cooking, I assume that means your eating habits have improved, and what about sleeping?"

"I've been eating better… and Elliot stays with me now, I can sleep when he's there."

God she sounded so co-dependent on Elliot.

But her therapist said nothing. She guessed she would try and fix a co-dependency issue in the near future.

"Olivia I am proud of you. You're making great progress."

"Yeah, yeah I am."

She was doubtful.

"How about we chat on Wednesday morning? Go home, work on trusting yourself, trusting your feelings. It's ok that the new Olivia has Elliot in her life in a different way than the old Olivia did. It's ok."

Great her therapist was a sap.

A sucker for love.

Hearts and flowers, butterflies and rainbows.

"I'll see you on Wednesday."

Olivia's path home.

The door chimed when she set foot back in to the overstuffed bookstore.

"Cooking dinner must have gone well if you're back so soon." The clerk said smiling over his wire-rimmed glasses.

"You remember me?" She asked surprised.

"Of course! The cooking rookie! What can I help you with today? Tex-Mex, Mediterranean, more Italian?"

"Actually I was thinking of trying dessert."

"Ah now there definitely is a cookbook in here that can help." The clerk reached for a thicker, brown covered book, filled with vibrant pictures of sinful desserts. "Take a look at this one, not too complicated."

"You seem to know a lot about cooking."

"I do, my wife and I both like to cook. Actually, I like to cook with my wife. It's nice spending time with her in the kitchen. Tight spaces, good food." he said grinning.

Olivia smiled.

She knew.

Olivia flipped through the pages of lemon tarts and fudge brownies.

"I'll take it."

"I like a woman full of adventure!" The clerk said pleased.

That was Olivia, full of adventure.

The wrong kind of adventure.

A few hours later Olivia stood in her kitchen starring at the pan of brownies.

The dark chocolate lay flat in the pan, resembling nothing of the example in the "picture shown above".

She was disappointed they hadn't turned out, but too distracted to care.

It was passed ten when Elliot got to her apartment.

"Hi there." Elliot said immediately wrapping his arms around her.

"Hi… finally got away?"

"Yeah… no real suspects yet… you baked? He said assessing the brownies.

"They didn't turn out so good."

"I bet they taste good."

"Yeah maybe."

Her lack of excitement was obvious.

"Baking takes practice." He said tugging at his tie and then at her hand to follow him in to the bedroom as he turned off the lights one by one.

He knew whatever was on her mind, it wasn't brownies.

She sat down on the bed as Elliot changed.

Olivia laughed to herself when she realized how many times in her life she had seen Elliot standing in front of her in just his briefs.

Locker rooms, the time she pretended to be a prostitute to not get caught when he was undercover...

"Tell me about your day." He said pulling the covers down from the bed, motioning for Olivia to crawl in.

"Thought provoking."

Elliot raised his brow, not expecting that answer as he pulled a t-shirt over his head.

"Wanna tell me what you were thinking about?"

"You sure you wanna know?"

Elliot looked at Olivia, her face full of worry.

"I wanna know." He said crawling in bed beside her, wrapping his arms once again around her.

"I spent the day thinking about you."

"Well the look on your face is not very encouraging now that I know you were thinking about me."

"I'm sorry, its just, I guess I should, I should…"

Fumbling.

"Olivia?"

"In therapy today… I've talked about you in therapy."

"I assumed you did."

"But I talk about how I feel about you, how I honestly feel about you. And my therapist thinks its time I tell you."

Here goes nothing.

"I'm still not getting if this is a good thing or a bad thing because you look like you're in pain."

"I am kind of, but it's me not you." she said laughing nervously.

"Ok… Liv talk to me."

"I'm a little afraid, because if I confess and you don't feel the same."

"Confess?"

Her heart was pounding.

His too.

"Elliot, I love you."

There, it was done.

She still looked to be in utter pain.

Elliot grinned.

He hoped she was breathing.

"It's good you're smiling. That at least means I didn't scare you."

"You didn't scare me."

"You understand what I'm saying? I mean I love you, like more than the fact that you're my best friend, or that you were my partner. I'm in love with you and I think I have been, no I know I have been for a long time. And I'm just going with my gut, and what makes me happy and you make me happy. It makes me happy to love you."

Rambling.

"Liv" he was still grinning, "I love you too."

"No, you don't have to say that just because I needed to…"

"Liv I wouldn't just say that. I've loved you for a long time as my partner, as my best friend…" her face covered in worry, "But I fell in love with you, and trust me it took a while to accept my feelings because they came at the most inappropriate and in opportune times… but God, Liv I love you, I'm in love with you."

She shook her head ok.

The therapist was right, she had a 50/50 shot.

Their feelings no longer a fantasy, no longer an underlying, unspoken fantasy.

Olivia sat up in bed, looking at Elliot.

"It's been so long."

"I know."

"It was so hard."

"I know," he said his voice cracking.

"I'm not sure if I want to cry or scream at this moment."

"A little of both may be in order."

"Why did this confession seem so easy when everything has been so hard?"

"Maybe it makes it all worth it? Makes it all the more perfect?"

She smiled.

Just the right thing to say.

"Elliot?" she said her voice only making a whisper.

"Yeah?"

"I want to kiss now."

"You sure?"

"I want to kiss and not stop."

"That sounds good," he said letting out a bit of laughter in anticipation.

She didn't lean in to kiss him, instead she hovered her body over his letting the charm of her necklace and then her breast graze against his chest.

Her eyes were gleaming and dark.

"This is real right? This is happening?" He said against the lobe of her ear.

"This is real and yes this is happening," she said, before her lips crashed in to his.

Next… Ch 12. Touch