Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
- Melissa Etheridge, Precious Pain
Chapter 11 Mr. Grey
"Christian!" I say trying to wake him up. I cautiously grab him by his biceps and shake him. "Christian, wake up!"
His eyes open in a jolt and he blinks a couple of times. He swallows breathlessly.
"You were having a nightmare." I said lying down next to him.
"I know." He said, his voice hoarse.
"Is everything okay? What was it about?" I ask him concerned, my head popped up on my elbow.
"It's fine. I have them all the time." He sighed. "I haven't had one in a few weeks though."
Frequent nightmares? How dreadful. "Do you want to talk about it?" I offer.
"That's what I pay for." He said, sitting up. "Anastasia, I'm sorry, but I need to go."
"What? Why?" I say confused. "It's like 4 am."
"I just… I have to go." He said getting out of bed. "I will call you later to let you know when I will pick you up."
"O-Okay." I mumbled confused, sitting up. He was already dressing.
"I'll let myself out." He said, leaving my bedroom.
I try to make sense of what happened, but I can't. Was he ashamed or uncomfortable because he had a nightmare? Why would he storm out like that? I have no idea of what is going on.
CG POV
I hit the car's steering wheel. I've been seating on the driver's seat of my car for a few minutes outside Anastasia's apartment. I shouldn't have left without an explanation, but was I supposed to tell her? I'm almost certain the nightmares are back because of our scene yesterday, because she hit me. It was different than in my dreadful dreams though, I craved for her to do it. Should I tell her the truth? Could she handle knowing what happened to me, and what I am? Could she live with it, with me?
I need to see Flynn. Now.
AS POV
My head has been spinning all day. As much as I have tried to disregard Christian's sudden early morning exit, I can't. I have barely heard from him all day, other than a cryptic text, nothing.
Taylor will be at your apartment at 5 pm.
I thought we had an amazing night, but maybe I was mistaken. I can't tolerate the thought of Christian terminating our agreement. Regardless of this evening's outcome, I pack my overnight bag to stay in his apartment and a garment bag for my dress.
Kate noticed I was distracted, and suggested I went out for lunch with her and Elliot earlier. I declined her invitation, but told her we should have lunch on Monday. I have to get to know Elliot at some point, and not as Christian's brother but rather as Kate's boyfriend. I need to ensure he won't break her heart. I can't endure the sight of her breakup bunny flannel PJ's again.
Taylor was knocking on our apartment door at 5 pm sharp. On the ride back to Escala, the nerves are suffocating me. Besides Christian's ambiguous behavior, I will be submissive for the first time. I just hope I am mentally and physically prepared.
I bite down my lip further when the elevator pings on Christian's floor. I take a deep breath in the lobby before opening the main entrance's doors.
"Anastasia." Christian greeted me with a lopsided grin when I opened the doors.
"Hi." I utter surprised. I wasn't expecting him to be in such mood, though it is no surprise. I'm not unfamiliar to his mercurial temper.
He grabbed my bags. "I assume you will be staying with me in my bedroom tonight."
I blink perplexed with his mood. "Yes." I say in a questioning tone.
"I will place your bag there then. I can show you the spare room if you'd like to, just in case." He said.
"Your bedroom is fine." I say confident now.
"I will still give you a tour through the apartment anyway." He said, taking my bag to his bedroom.
He's back promptly. "Shall we?" he asked, offering his hand.
I place my hand on his. "Yes."
The apartment was more extensive than I expected, with its own service area and a second floor. He also has an office, a library, and the usual submissive spare bedroom. His playroom is located on the second floor. The 'Red Room of Pain' I teasingly named it. It seemed appropriate with the subtle lighting, dark burgundy painted walls, and mahogany furniture. A Saint Andrew's cross is facing the door, while an armoire and carved poles hold all kinds of sex toys. The four-posted imperial bed with a flat top is covered in red leather, and a couch is facing it. There's a table with matching stools and a padded bench. Carabineers are attached to the ceiling, and I made a mental note to consider setting up one on my playroom. It's quite an impressive playroom.
"I hope you like what I have planned for you." He said, breaking through silence.
"I hope so too." I admit.
"Are you nervous?"
"A little." I said.
He reached for my hand and squeezed it. "Do you trust me?"
I stared at his deep gray eyes. They are filled with honesty, and concern. "I do." I say without giving it much thought. I do. I trust him.
"Then don't be nervous. We have gone over this, we know the safe the words."
I nod, my eyes still fixed on his. He releases my hand, and then we head downstairs to get ready.
"What color of dress are you wearing?" He asked as we entered his closet.
"Cobalt blue." I said. "Oh, and silver sandals."
"Perfect." He reached up to one of his closet's compartments. Holding three feathery eye masks. "You will need a masquerade." He said handing me the beautiful silver feathery one.
"Thank you." I smiled.
My dress was hanged neatly in his massive closet, and my bag was placed right below it. With our backs to each other, I stripped down to my nude lace strapless bra and matching panties. Christian was perplexed holding his suit in one hand, gazing every inch of my partially naked body as I walked past him towards the bathroom. I put on some rosy pink blush and lip-gloss, and some faintly shimmery eye shadow with mascara. I manage to array my hair in soft waves with a few strands in a half-up do'.
"God, you are perfect." He said as I walked past him again.
"Thank you." I said shrugged while walking backwards to my temporary side of the closet. "You sure know how to boost a ladies' ego."
He chuckled.
He was undressing while I slid my chiffon gown on. "Can you zip me, please?"
"Yes." He said. "Though I'd rather unzip you." He whispered in my ear when he was behind to me, rousing tingling sensation all over me.
"Thank you." I said after he fastened it, and he gave me a soft kiss on my shoulder. He walked back to his room after putting his black trousers and white shirt on.
I sit on the bench and put my simple silver high heel sandals on, and then I put my cellphone, gloss, and my pocket wallet on my clutch. I take one last look at the mirror before I enter the bedroom. The chiffon fabric falls beautifully to the floor from the satin-banded empire waist. The cobalt blue color and the strapless neckline of the gown seem to contrast pleasantly with my skin tone. I think Christian will like it.
Christian turns around when I enter the room. His eyes widen with a beguiled expression, carefully observing every detail. "You look beautiful." He breathed out.
I chuckle and slightly blush. "So do you." I say softly, I'm in awe of him. He is breathtakingly handsome in a black tuxedo, with a crisp white shirt, and black bow tie.
"I have something for you." He said handing me small red box, Cartier, and a small black suede pouch.
I place the bag on the bed and open the box, revealing a pair of stunning teardrop diamond earrings.
"Do you like them?" Christian asked anxiously.
I glace up to the beautiful gray eyes that regard me intently. "I love them, thank you." I smiled.
He smiled back. "Now open the bag." He said enthusiastically.
I sit down on the bed, placing the box on it, and I open the bag. They are two silver balls linked with thick black thread. "Are these what I think they are?" I asked.
"You've never used them?" He asked with a mischievous smile.
"Never." I say.
He grabbed the balls from my hand, and reeled his tongue around it. He kneels down, silver balls in one hand, and traced his fingertips from my ankle to my knee, moving my dress up. Tracing all the way to my panties, he parted my thighs and slid a finger in. He moved his finger around, pushing my underwear to the side, and inserted both balls. Oh my.
"I want you to wear those balls all night, Anastasia." He said. "If you take them out, I will punish you."
"Yes." I breathed out.
"Very well." He said standing up, a bulge slightly noticeable through his pants.
I stood up and followed him out of the bedroom, the balls causing a strange but welcome feeling inside me.
Taylor drove us to the Trevelyan-Grey's home, which was lavishly decorated for the event. "Masks on." Christian said as we walked up the doorstep, putting on a simple black mask.
After our invitations are handed and our masks are on, Christian offered his arm, and we entered side by side. The event itself is held at the marquee outside, incessant photographers greet us. We walk past them, and Mia is the first person we encounter.
"Christian! Anastasia!" She said enthusiastically. "Hi."
Christian gave her a kiss on her cheek. "Hello Mia." He said, and then she hugged me. "Hi Mia. Good to see you."
"You too." She grinned. "But even more nice to see my brother happy."
Mia's kind words make me feel content inside for some strange reason. I'm glad he is happy, because I am too. I think to myself looking at him.
Christian smiled kindly. "Thank you Mia." It's nice to see Christian's tenderness towards sister.
She winked at us. "I would like you to meet my date." She said looking around. She smiled when she looked at to someone behind us.
I turn around, and the familiar blonde all-American boy smiles at me. "Ethan" I breathe out. Mia is the girl he's been seeing? Oh no, I know Ethan. I know his philandering ways. I can't wait to see what happens when Kate finds out.
"Ana." He said hugging me, pulling me away from Christian. After greeting me, he offers Christian his hand. "Ethan Kavanagh." He said.
Christian has an eyebrow raised, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Christian Grey." He said sternly.
"This is my brother and Ana's boyfriend, Ethan." Mia said.
Christian circled with my waist with his arms, confirming to Ethan Mia's statement. Oh God, Jealous Christian. "Ethan is Kate's brother." I told him amused.
"I see." Was all he said.
After greeting his parents and a few guests he wanted to introduce me to, we finally joined Kate and Elliot on the table.
"You'll never guess who's the girl Ethan's been seeing." I said amused.
Her mouth formed into a big 'O'. "Who?" She asked.
I catch a glimpse of Mia's figure coming towards the table. "See for yourself." I say.
Confused, Kate looks to her front. Her facial expression is memorable. With her eyes widened, she is genuinely taken a back. I can see Christian is not pleased with Kate's expression, probably knowing why. It's a recipe for disaster.
Christian's parents sit down at the table, and a man started speaking through the microphone. The auction is about to begin, and apparently Mia is part of the first dance auction, so she left the table hurriedly.
Ethan bid a significant amount of money to have a first dance with Mia. I will take this as a positive sign. When everyone has claimed their first dance, and the dance floor was inaugurated, Carrick and Grace leave the table.
"Care for a dance?" Christian says softly, close to me.
"If you insist." I smile, remembering the first time we danced.
"I do." He said smiling, taking my hand.
Swaying on the dance floor, once again, I feel all eyes on us. Probably the same eyes that were on us that first time. This time is different though. Christian is holding me tightly, our bodies close to each other, his breath on my neck, and his hand on my waist. Dancing to 'Dream a Little Dream of Me' I could stay in this harmonious embrace forever.
"Should I be worried?" He asked me. I don't need him to elaborate the question; I know exactly what he wants to know.
"Honestly, I'm not sure." I sigh. "I can talk with him, but you need to know, Mia can take care of herself Christian."
"How can you guarantee that?" He asked.
With warm feeling igniting inside me for his protectiveness and love for his sister, I place my hand on his cheek, and he leans in, closing his eyes. "I can." I say. He doesn't need to know more. He opens his eyes, and looks for reassurance in sighs, knowing I won't reveal more.
Realizing our public display of affection, I take my hand back. I look around and Grace, swaying in Carrick's arms, is perplexed looking at us. "That was quite a show."
He chuckled. "It sure was."
As the dance was about to change, Christian sighed. "What?" I ask.
"Flynn." He said.
"Dr. Flynn?" I ask. "He's here?"
"Yes." He said. "We're…. Friends, I suppose, out of his office."
"Huh." I say.
"He wants to meet you." He said.
"Can't we leave that for another day?" I asked. Meeting an expensive charlatan might ruin tonight's mood.
"Of course." He says somewhat surprised.
Throughout the rest of the night Christian insisted I met a few of his business acquaintances and family friends. The words 'couple', 'relationship', 'boyfriend', and 'girlfriend' were mentioned more than a few times. I guess people would not quite understand if we tried to explain our partnership, so we agreed to it all. Some of Mia's friends were almost green with envy, as they should be, that I came to the event with him, and I will be leaving with him.
The silver balls are making my desire almost unbearable, and we agree is time to go. We have pending matters tonight. As we said our goodbyes, Grace grabbed both of my hands in hers and whispered to my cheek "Thank you, dear" with a warm and sincere smile that reminded me of my mother. I could simply nod, filled with unknown emotions.
After arriving at Escala, we did not digress matters any further, so now I kneel down in Christian's requested position next to the playroom's door. Making an exception, he instructed that I stayed fully clothed. Also, I must address him as Mr. Grey inside the playroom. He thought it was fitting, since I asked him to address me as Miss Steele.
With my gaze down, I'm almost blind to what is going on around me, so I need to rely on my other senses. I can feel a cold breeze enter the room, and the opening and closing of the door. I can hear Christian walking, moving things around. His bare feet enter my lowered vision.
"You can look at me know, Anastasia." He says.
I glance up, and I'm slightly taken a back. He is wearing not wearing ripped jeans, but his black trousers, undone and bare-chested like yesterday. He is mouthwatering. There is something different in his gray eyes though, a darkness, coldness.
"Get up." He said sternly.
I blink a few times, and his expression hardens. Don't hesitate. Just do what he says. I think to myself. "Yes Mr. Grey." I say and do as he says.
"Turn around." He says, and I obey. He pulls at my hair slightly and braids it. Then, he unzips my gown slowly, painfully. The gown falls to the ground, leaving me in my underwear and sandals. He unfastens my bra, and cups my breasts, pinching my nipples. Then kneels down, and removes my panties slowly. "Sit on the couch."
"Yes, Mr. Grey." I walk to the couch that is facing the bed, applying pressure just in case the balls fall, making my need more unbearable. I sit on the couch and wait for him.
He sits next to me. In one unexpected dexterous movement, he grabbed me from my shoulders and placed my front on the couch, my behind slightly elevated on his leg, and one of his legs over both of mine. I'm impressed.
"I've been wanting to put you over my knee for a while know, Anastasia. I try quite hard controlling my temper around you when you defy me so audaciously." He said.
Oh God. I swallow and squint my eyes shut.
He rubs his hand on behind, and then stops. He spanks me, hard. In a painful pattern he continuous his surprisingly sensual torture. "Good girl." He said rubbing my behind again after the last strike.
"Stand up now." He says. I wriggle out of his hold. "Walk to the cross."
I walk to the elevated wooden cross, slightly scared. Calm down Steele. I stand, my back to cross, waiting for him. He walks slowly, sensually, authoritatively, like a predator enticing his prey. "Bend down and grab your ankles." He said. I do as I am told, and without a warning removes the silver balls and enters a butt plug on me. I take a sharp breath in.
"Are you okay?" He said immediately.
I nodded, and he exhaled in relief. I smile inwardly, he cares.
He cuffs my hands to the cross, and then lifts me by the waist, placing my feet on small, slightly painful, footrests. He cuffs my feet, and then walks around the playroom. Holding a leather riding-crop in his right hand, he stills in front of me. He traces it along my legs, my belly, and flicks it swiftly and sharply there. I take a sharp breath between gritted teeth. He meets my eyes, probing, and without any words asks me if can continue. I nod. Then he continued tracing up, and then flicked both of my nipples. It's harsh, but somehow I like it. He traced my left arm all the way through my open palms, then my other arm.
Our eyes meet again, and that dark coldness is in his eyes again. Somehow, I know this stroke will be more severe.
"Be still, and use the safe words if you have to." He said.
This might be harsher than I thought. I try to remain calm. He aimed the leather crop, and with an impulse, lashed my left outer thigh. FUCK. I scream in my head. It stings like hell. Before I can compose my self, he lashes at my right outer thigh. OH MY GOD. I plead for God inwardly. Mind over matter. Calm the fuck down, Steele. I scold myself. Once again, Christian is aiming the crop higher, I just don't know where, and with exact precision and momentum, he stokes me diagonally right between my breasts. I squint my eyes closed for a moment, and before I open them again, Christian is entering me suddenly. Harshly and promptly, Christian thrusts the previous pain to oblivion. I moan loudly, while Christian pants through gritted teeth. Quickly and breathtakingly, we find out releases.
"Good job, baby." He said pleased though breaths. Holding me against the cross, he un-cuffed my hands, then my feet. He skimmed his fingers on the pink swelling from the lashes.
He kissed me urgently, needy. Grabbing the nape of my neck, and crushing me to him. I return his kiss with the same fervor. The burning stings turning into tingles. In a swift move, he removed the butt plug. "Grab the pole of the bed." He said, interrupting our kiss.
I walk towards the imperial bed, and grab the pole. I think I have an idea about what he is going to do. Suddenly, behind me, he grabs my hips, elevating my bottom. He gently enters me from behind, right where the plug used to be. Thrusting gently, then increasing the pace, I can barely hold on to the pole anymore. His fingers digging into my hips, his lips gracing my back, we are loose ourselves on each other once again in this mesmerizing trance.
Wearing one of Christian's T-shirts, I sit on his bedroom bed with my legs crossed, leaning on the headboard. He is lying down next to me, and we have talked for almost an hour about our likes and dislikes, our childhood, our ex-subs… our lives basically.
"Even though it hurt, I liked it." I admitted. He asked me what I thought about his scene.
"I enjoyed your scene too." He admitted with a slight smile.
"You did?" I ask surprised, frowning.
"Yes." He said. "Why do you seem surprised?"
"You stormed out of my apartment at 4 am without any explanations, Christian." I said. "And then you avoid me all day."
"I apologize." He said impassive. "I had a session with Dr. Flynn."
"On a Saturday? All day?" I snapped. I tried not to annoy him about it before, but it's inevitable. I need to know what happened.
"Yes, not all day though." He sighed. "I needed to… contemplate some things."
"Christian, talk to me. Please." I said, moving to my side so I could face him.
"The nightmare I had," He paused. "It's one of my recurring nightmares."
I gave him a small smile, and he proceeds.
"Like I previously mentioned, my biological mother was a crack-whore. Her… pimp, I suppose, he physically abused me, Anastasia." He said, his eyes dark and cold as they were in the playroom. "She never stopped him, not when he burned me with his cigarettes, hit me with his belt, kicked me… nothing. She never cared for me, I was always hungry and dirty." He's gaze cold and lost, as if he were not here. "She had been dead for I don't know how many days when he found her body. I though she was sleeping." He said.
I can barely fathom the rush of emotions I feel at the moment. I feel… heartbroken for Christian. How could his mother and that man treat him that way? Of all the emotions, Anger has to be the overriding one. Anger towards that man, and even though I have no idea who he is, I loath him. Anger towards his mother, how could she be so unnatural? And anger towards me. I hurt him too.
I feel a sudden wetness on my face. I touch my cheek.
"Ana, don't cry please." Christian said, sitting next to me, trying to comfort me. I'm crying?
I get out of the bed quickly. I place my hands on my hips, and pace all over the room. "Anastasia are you okay?" Christian said alarmed.
"No I'm not." I said with tears streaming down my face. The emotions I had run away from all my life, the emotions since my mother's accident, since I met this overwhelming man and the overpowering things he makes me feel, seem to be catching up with me. "Christian, I am no better than they are." I said, almost panting, placing my hand on my chest.
"How can you say that?" I can't understand the expression on Christian's face, it is anger? "You've brought me to life, Anastasia. I thought I had the perfect life, but now it all seems so empty without you."
"I hit you last night, Christian!" I said. "I cause your nightmares to come back."
"No, baby." He said softly. "You made them go away."
"No." I sob. "I'll hurt you and bring them back." I argue. "That's why I can't touch you?" I realize suddenly.
"No you won't." He said. "Not only you. No one."
I close my eyes and tears run down my face. I can't control myself.
"Anastasia, I asked Flynn to see me because I wanted to be honest with you." He said softly, probing. "He said I had to share this with you if I wanted to move forward."
I nod. "I understand you have plenty of issues, but I will break you even further Christian."
"It's quite the contrary." He chuckled bitterly. "I might already be broken without repair, you haven't heard all of it."
I frown. What?
"I'm a sadist." He said with a lifeless expression. "I enjoy inflicting pain on pretty brunettes like my birthmother."
I'm speechless. Not because he thinks he is sadist, I know that is not even recognized as a psychiatric term anymore, but because I am like her.
"You are not a sadist." I say through a hoarse voice and slightly roll my eyes. "Christian, please know that what I am about to say is not because of your perception of yourself." I swallow. "I think we might need sometime apart, to think things through."
"I am Anastasia, but I still can give you all the time you need. I don't need to reconsider things, I know what I want and it's you."
I stopped my pacing. "Christian there is no such thing, and if that were the case than so am I. I get my kicks out of dominating and punishing men because of how Stephen treated my mother." I said.
He shrugged. Through teary eyes, I look back at the beautiful man kneeling in the middle of the bed. An unknown emotion runs all through my body, settling on my chest. I don't want time a part from him. I don't want to think things through. Suddenly I remember my mother's words on the hospital, 'You have feelings for him' and 'don't push him away'. It's true. I am trying to push him away, and I have feelings for him.
I take a deep breath. We will find a way.
"I want you too." I say, my lips quivering. "No more punishments. That's it."
He blinked a few times. "What do you mean precisely?"
"We can still do our exchanging of roles and playroom scenes, just no more punishments, only pleasurable ones." I said. "No more painful punishments."
"I agree." He said. "It might be what's best for both of us."
I nod. I am taking a blind leap of faith, but I am not taking it alone. "We can mend each other." I say, tears streaming down my face again.
Christian climbs out of bed, and wraps me in his arms. "Don't cry, please."
"I can't help it." I say with my words muffled.
We lie down on the bed, my back to Christian, and his arms wrapped around me. He smooth's my hair and kisses me softly. I tears streaming on my face before I drift to sleep.
AN: I hope you all enjoy the chapter. Thank you for reading the story and special thanks to all of you providing feedback! Please, don't worry, they will still have scenes, just no more overly-harsh punishments. Thank you:)
