A/N Thank you all for the great support, it means a lot to me! English is not my native language so I apologize for any mistakes. As I've said, I finished this story already and I'll try to upload a chapter every other day. It has 27 chapters total. Besides this one, I'm working on my family-fic 'Family is Fover', check it out if you want to!
Please let me know your thoughts and feelings about this chapter. Thank you!
Chapter 11
Jane's POV
"I was his wife, Maur," I whisper, reaching up to wipe the tears from her cheek. "Yeah, technically I think you can call it rape, but I was his."
"Marrying someone doesn't make them property, Jane. You know that." Maura trails her hand down my still naked chest but avoids any sexual touch. She gently caresses my stomach. "I would never force you. I would always stop if you're not comfortable, I would always make sure you're feeling good. That's how it's supposed to be."
I swallow a lump in my throat and don't know what to say. I never thought about it this way. Rape. That sounds awful. I've always known it was wrong. I knew he was violating me, I knew he was abusing me. I just never thought of the term rape before. It makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. Damaged.
I want to make it go away. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be the woman that let her husband use her. I don't want it. "He had his needs," I whisper, desperately trying to make this awful pain in my chest go away.
"That's not an excuse. Not in the slightest."
"I married him, Maura!" I feel myself getting angry. Not at Maura. Not even at Casey. I'm angry with myself. "He wanted to have sex, he had the right to. He didn't get me wet so he squirted lube on me and pumped a few times, got off and fell asleep,-"
"That's rape, Jane!" Maura raises her voice and her tears are streaming down her face. "He had no right!"
"He was my husband."
"Jane," her voice is soft and loving again, "I would never continue if I felt you weren't naturally lubricated. Not as girlfriends, not as partners, not as your wife."
I feel my stomach tying in knots and I can barely breathe. I'm dizzy and I'm seeing stars. Maura senses my discomfort and pulls me up to sit up, guiding me to lean forward, putting my head between my legs. "Breathe, Jane," she whispers, soothingly rubbing my still naked back.
"I can't…" My breath hitches in my throat and I think I can cry for hours, but my eyes are dry. "I can't be a victim of domestic violence and rape."
"You're not." Maura kisses my temple and never stops her soothing strokes on my back. "You're a survivor, not a victim."
"That's just some crap therapists came up with to make victims feel better about themselves."
"It's true, Jane."
I nod but I'm not convinced. I feel weak and damaged. "What if I can never do it again?" I ask softly.
"Do what again?" Maura asks, but she sighs when she realizes what I meant. "You'll be able to make love again, babe. Maybe it'll take a while, but that's okay."
"I don't want to make you wait," I whisper, lifting my head to look at the beauty sitting closely next to me.
"I want to wait." Maura kisses my cheek and I feel the tears on her wet cheeks. "I'll wait forever if I have to."
I shake my head and want to protest, but Maura doesn't let me. "I'd rather be with you and never make love to you then be without you. I'd rather wait forever than spend one day of my life without you by my side."
I look at the woman next to me and I am at loss for words. I still can't believe there is someone in this world that loves me as much as Maura loves me. I still can't believe it's possible to love someone as much as I love Maura. I never knew it was supposed to feel like this. I never knew what it was like to be in love until I allowed myself to fall in love with Maura.
"Maur, I…" I truly don't know what to say. "I love you."
I regulate my breathing and lie back down, bringing Maura down on top of me. She kisses my lips before snuggling into my arms. I trace patterns along her naked back and desperately try not to panic. "You're beautiful, Maura," I whisper, wanting to make sure she knows how gorgeous she is to me while I try to repress the burning ache in my chest.
"So are you." Maura tangles her hand in my hair and pulls herself even closer to me. I feel safe and home.
"Maur…" I whisper quietly as I watch the late afternoon sun shining through the curtains, "do I have to… Should I report this as well?"
Maura sighs and kisses my jaw. "I think it's good to mention it to your lawyer. It can extend his conviction."
"I don't want anyone to know." The vulnerability in my voice startles even myself. It's been a long time since I've opened up like this. It's been a long time since I felt safe enough to be vulnerable. I know Maura will never deliberately hurt me. I know she won't judge me, I know my heart is safe in her hands.
"Nobody has to know." Maura lifts her head and looks down at me with such love I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes.
"You won't tell anyone?" I know she won't, but a part of me needs to hear it.
"Never." Maura leans down to press her lips against mine, kissing me softly and repeatedly. "Never, Jane." She kisses me again and again. "I promise."
I want to show her how grateful I am. I want to thank her for loving me, for catching me, for taking care of me. I want to express my gratitude but I can't. The words won't get out of my throat and I don't trust my voice. I look at Maura and she nods. I don't even need to tell her. She doesn't even need to hear the words. All she needs is to look into my eyes.
I wrap my arms around her and pull her on top of me, hiding my face into the crook of her neck, placing soft kisses there. I don't know why, but I can't cry. I feel the tears closing up my throat and I feel my eyes burning, but I can't. I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to feel anymore.
Knowing that he abused me was something I could handle, at least that's what I thought. But now that the word 'rape' has been mentioned… I don't know how to deal with this. What if I'll be damaged forever? What if I'll forever see his face when someone yells, feel his hands on me when someone touches me? What if I'll never be the same again? I'm damaged goods. I'm a 'survivor'. I hate that term. I just want to be Jane Rizzoli. I just want to be Sam's mother, a homicide detective, a sister, a daughter and Maura's girlfriend. I don't want to be his anymore. Not even in memories.
"Jane," Maura whispers softly, her voice careful and hesitant, "you need medical attention."
"No," I immediately protest, "why?"
She doesn't move from on top of me and sighs deeply. "You know why."
I do. I know why. I need a check-up. I don't think Casey had sex with anyone else but me, but I don't know that for sure. "Can you do it?"
"I don't have the equipment for that, Jane. And I'm not a gynecologist."
"But you can tell when something's wrong, can't you?"
She takes a deep breath and I know all she wants to do is drag me to a hospital, but I'll refuse that with all I have. I'm not letting people pity me. I'm not letting someone poke around in my private parts, feeling sorry for me because of what he did.
"Yes."
I pull her closer on top of me and kiss her head. "Please?"
She nods. Slowly, barely sensible, but she nods. She'll take care of me. She always will.
We lie in the same position for a long time. Maura keeps kissing my head, making soft strokes on my stomach while I place gentle kisses on her neck and shoulders. We don't speak, we don't move, we just lie here. I feel bad for making her wait, but I know she wants to. And I know it will be worth the wait.
After half an hour, I hear the front door opening downstairs. I think my mother is bringing Sam home. Besides Maura, she's the only one that knows about Casey. Maura and I told her together a few days ago. She was infuriated and hugged me for what felt like hours, telling me over and over again that she was proud of me for leaving him. I'm relieved that she knows. My mother can be pretty invasive and normally, she knows everything about me. It had been excruciating holding this from her for such a long time. She doesn't know what's really going on between me and Maura, because, well, we didn't even know it ourselves until today, but she knows I'm staying with Maura for a reason. She knows Maura cares about me and she knows me and Sam are safe with her.
"That's your mother and Sam," Maura whispers, peeling herself off me before kissing my lips. "Should I tell them you're sleeping?"
"No, I wanna see Sam." I smile and sit up, looking for my T-shirt on the bed. I pull it over my head and watch Maura standing up from the bed, walking around the room to gather her clothes. She truly is a gorgeous woman. Her freckled skin, her beautiful curves, her amazingly toned legs from walking in heels all the time… And then her perfect ass, and those godly amazing breasts… I really don't know how my body refuses to respond to her sexiness.
I sigh and get out of bed, kissing Maura's cheek before I walk downstairs. I smile brightly at the sight of my beautiful little girl letting go of Ma's hand and running towards me.
"Hey, peanut." I smile and lift Sam off the floor, hugging her to my front as I feel her small arms wrapping around my neck. "Did you have fun with grandma?"
"Oh, yes we did." My ma chuckles and kisses my cheek. "Are you okay, Janie?"
I rest my cheek against the side of Sam's head and look at my mother. I know I can't fool her. "Not really," I whisper. "But I will be."
"Hi, Angela," Maura greets my mother as she walks into the living room. She steps towards me and kisses Sam's cheek. "Hey little girl."
"How are you, Maura?" Ma asks her with a sweet smile.
Maura sighs and I know she can't lie. "I've been better." She smiles at my mother and I feel her hand on my lower back. "I don't like to watch people I love being in pain."
"People you love, huh?" my mother asks her. Her tone isn't invasive or snoopy. She genuinely wants to know.
Maura looks at me with wide eyes, not knowing what to say. I sigh and wrap one arm around Maura's waist, the other holding Sam on my hip. "Yeah," I say softly, looking at my mother with a smile.
"Oh, thank God." She throws her head back and wraps both her arms around us three. She pulls back and smiles at Maura. "Take care of my Janie, okay?"
"Of course." Maura smiles and I feel her brushing my hair back as she looks at me with pure love. "Always."
"Thanks for taking Sam today, Ma." I want to change the subject before I get emotional and sappy. Maura does things to me I'm not willing to admit to my mother.
"No problem. We had fun today, didn't we Sam?"
"Yah." Sam turns towards her grandmother and smiles before looking back at me. "We plays in the park!"
"You did?" I smile at the sparkle in her beautiful dark eyes and kiss her cheek.
"She probably needs a shower tonight," my mother says with a smile, pointing at the stains in Sam's pants.
"Noted."
"Okay, I have to go." My mom kisses my cheek, Sam's cheek and then gives Maura a quick hug. "Bye, girls."
"Thanks, Ma." I smile as I watch her leave. "Bye."
"What did you play, honey?" Maura asks Sam, her hand still on my back.
"In the sands, and on the slide."
"Oh, that sounds like fun," I answer as I walk towards the kitchen to pour her something to drink. "I wish I'd been there too."
Sam nods and plays with my hair. "But you had to go to Daddy."
I sigh and tuck her hair behind her ear. "Yeah, I did."
"Why, Mommy? You says Daddy's gonna be away…"
"I know, baby." I move her to my front so I can look in her eyes. "I just had to talk to him for a while. I told him we're gonna be staying with Maura."
Sam bounces up and down in my arms and smiles brightly. "We're gonna live at Maura?"
Her question catches me off guard and I look over her head at Maura. We've just estimated our relationship as 'girlfriends' today. I know we're practically living together already, but my stuff is mostly still at my old house and nothing is official yet.
"I wanna live at Maura's, Mommy!" Sam says loudly, still bouncing. "Can we?"
I smile at her and I know there's nothing I want more. I want to be with Maura. "You'll have to ask Maura, honey."
Sam nods and squirms out of my arms, hopping on the floor to run towards Maura who is standing on the other side of the kitchen counter, tears shimmering in her eyes as she looks at me with love and devotion.
"Maura! Is Mommy and I gonna live here?" Sam asks, looking up at Maura with an expecting smile.
I walk around the counter and watch Maura kneeling in front of Sam to get to her eyelevel. "Would you like that?" she asks softly, a single tear trickling down her cheek. Sam doesn't notice it.
"Yeaaaaahh!" She almost jumps up and down and smiles brighter than I've seen her smile in a very long time. "I wants to be family with you and Mommy, Maura!"
I will never forget the smile that brightens up Maura's face. I will never forget the way she wraps my daughter in her arms, crying silent tears of pure joy and love. "Nothing would make me happier," she whispers, looking up at me with a loving smile. "Nothing."
"What's that mean, Maura?" Sam asks, pulling away from the blonde to look at her.
Maura laughs and wipes her tears before caressing Sam's cheek for a second. "That means yes, honey. Yes, I'd love it if you and your mom live here."
"Why's you crying?" Sam asks, her voice suddenly soft and caring.
"Because it makes me happy that you'll live with me," she smiles and wipes her tears again. "And because I love you and your mommy so much."
Sam nods like she understands. "I loves you too, Maura."
I watch Maura wrapping her arms around Sam and pulling her up from the floor, hugging her tight. She moves Sam to her hip and cups my cheek, looking deeply into my eyes. "Do you want this, Jane?" she whispers sincerely.
I smile and press my lips against hers in a quick but loving kiss. "Nothing would make me happier."
