Chapter 10 of: The Fate of the Wandering: Only In Dreams
Carth remembered the moment she had first woken up. It had all started with a slap in the face. Literally.
"Ow!" Carth exclaimed, cradling his nose with his hands. Elaine's hand had flown out and had hit him full in the face. She had been asleep, rolling over in bed restlessly, as though a bad dream was disturbing her.
Elaine's eyes suddenly fluttered open, revealing sparkling violet eyes framed by long eyelashes. With great effort, she sat up in bed, the hinges creaking, and rubbed her head. "I feel like somebody hit me with a desk," she moaned. "Or something much bigger." Her dark, long curls were pulled into a ponytail, which swung around gracefully as she put both feet on the floor.
"Hold on," she said slowly, taking in her surroundings. "Who are you? Where am I?" She groaned. "You wouldn't happen to be somebody I met last night after many, many cups of juma? 'Cause that would explain this headache. We didn't—" She gestured to the bed. "do anything, did we?"
"Oh, no, no, no, you've got the wrong idea!" Carth took his hand away from his nose. It wasn't bleeding, just felt very numb. He stood up and pushed away the chair he had been sitting on. "About time you woke up. I was getting worried. So you don't remember anything?"
"Not specifically. That's why I'm asking." She smiled a bit as she continued, "You'll find I'm not one to ask unnecessary questions. I mean, I do remember some things…Such as my name. If we haven't met already, I'm Elaine Skylar."
"Carth Onasi." He shook her hand, a graceful one with long and swift fingers, marveling at her firm grip. "I'm from the Endar Spire. The Sith were taking over our ship, so we took an escape pod to Taris, where we are now." He peered at her anxiously. "Is it coming back to you?"
"Now I wish it wasn't…" She frowned, as a realization hit her. "I ran around that ship in my underwear, didn't I?" She sighed, and bent over to re-tie her boots. "That's just not appropriate."
Carth smirked. "Neither is hitting your rescuer in the face immediately after waking up." At seeing Elaine's expression, he added, "Not that I'm complaining—although you do have quite an arm on you. I'm just glad you revived. We have work to do."
"No surprise there." She stood up, and for a second they both stood eye to eye, which caught Carth off guard. Violet eyes…Unreal…"I've heard a lot about you," she said then.
Carth grimaced. "Yeah," he breathed. "Being labeled as a 'war hero' of a Republic does that to you. So what did you hear? Nothing reputation ruining, I hope."
"Not really."
She wandered over to the edge of the room and opened the footlocker to find her belongings.
"'Not really?' That's not very encouraging."
"Not very," Elaine agreed.
"So?"
"Hmm?" She had a pouch of something in her mouth, while one hand held open the footlocker and the other rummaged through it. Her voice came through muffled by the fabric. "Sho vat?"
"So what did you hear?" He didn't know why he was bothering to ask, but he couldn't help it.
Elaine removed the pouch from her mouth and slung it over her shoulder. "Something about a big loss in your past, and…" She pointed a dagger in its sheath at him before sticking it on her belt... "something very incriminating about your jacket."
"My jacket?" Carth repeated, raising his eyebrows, on the verge of laughing. He glanced down at his orange jacket then back up at her. "What's wrong with my jacket?"
"Don't ask me. I'd ask the person who told me this in the first place, but he's dead now, isn't he?" She regarded him, a sad smile on her mouth. "So what's this job we have to do?"
Carth jolted back to reality. "Right. We need to find this Jedi, named Bastila Shan. Apparently she's very powerful, and crucial to the Republic."
"Alright," Elaine said, and grabbed something off a nearby table, which turned out to be food packets distributed in these apartments to the new tenants. "What?" she demanded in answer to his questioning stare. "We're off to save the Republic, right? Mayhaps the galaxy?" She smiled, her eyes alight with humor. She tossed one at him and said, "We're obviously going to need snacks!"
And she turned the door handle and Carth, after a moment, shook his head, bit down a smile, and followed her.
::.Much, much later.::
The other part Carth could not get out of his head was when they had both learned who Elaine really was…Revan.
Back on the Ebon Hawk, Carth's mind had been in turmoil. He knew he shouldn't have trusted anyone. He should have seen this coming. Elaine, anyone could see, was a leader. She was passionate about what she did, and did it well. Just like Revan. And how she always had this hard time remembering her past? Lies. All lies. Perhaps she had just been toying with him, to get to him and Bastila. The Republic soldier and the prized Jedi, under the power of the manipulative and scheming Revan.
No. What was he thinking? She had always been there. The truth was, she was the only one he had trusted. He had told her everything…About Saul, Morgana, Dustil…and Elaine did not see any of those things as his fault. She had given him something to live for again.
Carth slammed his fist against the wall. But Elaine…was Revan. Two different people, one he loathed, and the other he might even love. But they were the same person. Revan had been the cause of the destruction of everything he had loved. But the one thing he didn't understand…How could something so cruel and ruthless even be Elaine? She was a generous person, a person you could always lean on for help…That was the real Elaine.
Maybe she really had had redemption.
Carth hit his fist against the hull of the Hawk again, but this time it seemed like a worthless, fruitless, and hopeless attempt to find some meaning in all this.
"Hey," came that voice from the doorway, tentatively. Carth immediately straightened up. It was the voice of her, that strong, beautiful woman he had almost grown to love. No, no it was the cold, hard voice that had passed out many cruel orders in its time. A voice that had raised an army and had brought the galaxy to its feet.
"Can we talk? Before you pound this ship to death?"
Talk? Ha. What more was there to talk about? Everything was all talked out. But death? Carth felt his rage even more. He'd like to tell her a thing or two about death.
"We're talking now, aren't we? So how's life been for you, Elaine? That is to say… Revan. How does it feel to be the cause of so much death and destruction? Are you proud? Or is death and destruction not enough? You've even fallen so far as to pretend you care about somebody when all along, you were just playing one of your little games…How does it feel to know that the person I thought you were, isn't really you? How does it feel to know betrayal first hand? How does it feel to be breaking my heart?" His voice grew raspy and broke off.
Elaine had her hand on the doorframe, turned away, not looking at him. She took his words in one by one. "Carth," she whispered.
"No. You know, I really thought I knew you. Turns out, I placed my trust in the wrong person. A Sith Lord. That's all you are. All you'll ever be."
"Carth!" Elaine looked him full in the eyes, her own purple eyes pleading. Tears were involuntarily falling down her face. "You want to know how I feel? All right then. I feel numb. I do feel betrayed. I feel shocked, and angry, and—and…You have no idea what it's like to wake up knowing all the things you've done in your past, except it wasn't really you. It was someone else. But nobody understands that. It's like I'm living a lie, and at any moment, my true, dark self will take hold of me again. And I don't want it to. I don't want it to."
Carth just watched her.
"Carth, I know how this must be for you, but you have to know that you still know me. I'm still Elaine. I'm not Revan. I never will be again. And—and if you can just trust me again, I could believe that myself and it'll give me the strength to go on. Carth…"
She stepped forward, but Carth took a step back. Elaine looked once at his hard, unforgiving face, then swallowed hard and reached to the back of her belt for something.
"What are you doing?" invoked Carth.
Never moving her eyes from his, she took out a blaster pistol, and held it out to him.
"This next bolt can go two ways, Carth," she said, her voice wavering. "Either you take it; take it and do what you once told me you would to do if you ever had the chance. Take this and put the next mark through Revan—me. That's who I am in your eyes, am I right? Or I can take it, and do you the favor, so the bloody mess can be off your hands. So what will it be? Because honestly, Carth, I don't know where to go from here."
"You're insane," Carth said, eyes growing wide.
"See, that's another thing! Somewhere in my distant past, someone said the exact same thing to me. When I was Revan. Force, I should make a novel out of this…'When I Was Revan…' Voices, thoughts, images, memories, secrets…" She gritted her teeth. "And I can't get rid of them. No matter what I do, everything I did in the past keeps haunting me. I've tried everything I could think of, Carth. I tried redeeming myself in everybody's eyes, but it's not enough. It's never enough. I tried losing myself in alcohol, but discovered that that wasn't for me…Force…" She laughed harshly. "I almost thought about shipping myself off to some distant planet, leaving everybody behind, but thought better of it."
Now, Carth found that sentence strangely and painfully ironic.
"I'm not afraid, Carth," she continued, her voice regaining its steadiness. "I haven't come to terms with it. I can't lie and say I have. But I'm not afraid of anybody else. What I'm afraid of is me, and what I might be again. So I'm asking you, Carth—" She took a step forward and held out the blaster once again. Carth did not take the blaster but neither did he step back… "—to do me and the rest of the galaxy a favor. I'm not saying now. I have…I have something to do first. I have to kill an old apprentice. That's my responsibility and I cannot turn my back on that. But afterwards, Carth." She lowered the blaster and kept him at eye level. "Afterwards, I will ask you again. And afterwards, I want you to help me with this. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it myself, but neither am I strong enough to prevent the memories from taking over, turning me back to what I was. So do I…Do I have your word? Do I have your promise?"
Carth just stared at her for a moment. "You're honestly asking me to kill you? You're—you're requesting this, calmly, rationally, as though it doesn't mean anything at all. But it does mean things. It means vengeance and revenge, taking back the lives that you took from me. It doesn't mean me doing this to quench your fear, it doesn't mean me doing this so you can feel better about yourself. Not at all."
"I know," Elaine said. "I know."
Carth wanted to tell her just how much she didn't know, wanted to ask if she could understand the conflicting emotions coursing through him, setting his blood on fire. I loved you…
"Take this," she said now, and placed his hands over the blaster pistol, enclasping hers over his. A bitter taste formed in Carth's mouth. "Take this and keep it until the time comes. Then you have my permission and consent to use it…And I think I'll go in peace."
She exhaled, a shudder running through her shoulders, and let go, turning away and exiting the cockpit.
And then, the hands holding the blaster moved of its own accord; at least, it seemed that way to Carth.
It took deliberate aim, and got ready to shoot, finger on the trigger…A vein pulsed in his temple…Don't think…Just shoot…Don't think…
There was a loud clicking noise, like a switch crossing over another switch. Carth stared down at the blaster, and flicked the bottom part open. The power cell, what caused it to work at all, had been removed.
Elaine, with her back to Carth, heard the click, and tears started falling down her face. She did not look back, but continued down the hall, the missing power cell held tight in her right hand.
::.Back to the present.::
Carth suddenly woke up, sweating, in bed. I tried to kill her…He could still see Elaine's face. Hoping, pleading, tear-stained…But during the mission at the Star Forge her eyes were dry, her exterior was cold, and it was as though she had set her whole mind to removing the thing in her past that still brought her memories of pain…Malak.
And she had succeeded.
Eventually, Carth had come to terms with, and even accepted, the fact that Elaine had once been Revan. Carth felt like a fool, ridiculous and ashamed. What have I done? That voice never disappeared. Or more accurately…What did I try to do? On the shores of the Unknown Rakatan World, after the awards ceremony, they each had been contemplating their own thoughts, and their paths had crossed.
Elaine did not walk up to him when she saw him, but stopped in her tracks, wrapped her arms around herself and watched him. The salty waves swept over her bare feet, undoubtedly cold, but she paid them no heed.
Carth took the last steps up to her and held out his hand. "I need the power cell," he said now, his voice cracking. "Please."
Elaine blinked as though she had been slapped, but after a few horrible seconds, she obliged. She put it in the palm of his hand, along with her fate. She did not say anything.
The moment it touched Carth's skin, he curled his fingers around it, and with all of his might, he threw it as far out into the ocean that it would possibly go. It landed with a splash far out into the sea, and disappeared into the depths of the water.
When Carth turned back to Elaine, her eyes were wide in surprise, and she looked back up at him, disbelieving, not daring to hope.
"See, the thing is, Elaine," said Carth as though they were talking about the weather, "that I was the bloodiest damn bastard for doing what I did. I shouldn't have laid the blame all on you and I…It's going to be hard, trying to put all this behind. But I really want to. 'I'm sorry,' is not going to cut it at all, I—I know that, but the truth is that I can't imagine going through this with anyone else." He sighed. "But I'm not…I'm not a fool, Elaine. You can't take me back, after what I did. After what I almost did. To the galaxy with it all! Elaine, you've got me trapped. There's nothing I can—"
Elaine laid a finger on his lips. "You only needed to say three words, flyboy." She glanced up at his eyes, and smiled faintly. "Only three words."
Carth exhaled. "Elaine, I—"
She responded by flinging both arms across his shoulders, and kissing him long and hard and deep. Carth hesitated at first, but then wrapped an arm around her slim waist and pulled her closer to him. He sighed in content, her body aligning with his perfectly, her dark curly hair smelling faintly of berries…Elaine jumped up and wrapped both legs around him, held up above him, staring down into his eyes. One hand traced the lines on his face, remembering, until they reached his lips. And then they kissed again, and it was only paradise…
Carth had smiled at her, his Elaine, and later they had continued their stroll on the beach, but this time they walked together. Happily. A simple kind of happiness.
But now…
Carth looked at the bleak walls around him. It felt like a prison. She was gone. And he was being forced to wait. He wondered how much waiting it would take for him to finally break.
::.Nausuma, present time.::
Elaine was sheltered underneath a ledge of hard rock. Everything around her was moist, cold, and forbidding. She had evaded them for now, but even though her teeth were chattering, she couldn't risk a fire. Besides, what would she use to make one? She leaned back, hugging her dark blue robe closer to her shivering form. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.
"I miss my son," she whispered. But nobody was listening.
::.One year ago, Peragus Mining Facility.::
"Well," drawled a voice in the corner. "Looks like they changed the uniforms in this place. The skimpier the better, apparently. Can't say I'm complaining though." The handsome, brown-haired prisoner coughed. "Unless you were a guy. Then that would just be wrong."
Demia Thress looked down at her brown undersuit…thing…she had found herself in and sighed loudly, before crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't know who you are, but watch it. Waking up in kolto tanks and meeting an old lady who I thought was dead, isn't exactly my ideal day. And don't move your eyes from my eyes!"
Demi looked at the prisoner. He was sitting cross-legged in his Force-cage, a pazaak card dangling between his fingers. He had brown hair that flopped over his brown eyes in the most accidental way. The depths of his eyes concentrated a focused and aware sort of energy, and while his lips curled mischievously, Demi could tell there was more to him than the lopsided smile and sarcastic remarks he displayed.
"Look whose eyes are wandering," the prisoner said back, inspecting her inspecting him. "So…you wouldn't by any chance be here to rescue me, would you?"
"Rescue you?" Demi said, faking as though she hadn't already thought that. "And what gave you that idea?"
"Well…the fact that you're actually here. Nobody has been in here to see me for days. Therefore, total lack of any edible sustenance. That's just criminal."
Demi just looked at him.
"Food," he said. "I meant food."
"I know what you meant," said Demi.
He held her gaze for a moment, then said, "Anyway, you don't look like a worker here. Hint from the wise and experienced: Everyone who works here is mean. Old and mean. And you're definitely not old. You're not too mean either, although you're a bit feisty. Which brings me to my question: If you're not here to rescue me, or bring me food, what are you doing here? Last time I checked, Peragus wasn't exactly big on the tourists."
Demi thought. "I need information."
He raised his eyebrows, and stood up, pocketing his pazaak cards. "Information, huh? Well, sister, a few days ago I would have said you've come to the right place, but I've been cut off from civilization for so long, I'm the one who needs information. For starters, who are you?"
"What I want to know is," interrupted Demi, "why you're locked up in that cell."
A wry smile spread over the prisoner's face. "Hmph, you have a point there. I'll keep it short so you don't have to hear the story of my life: I got in trouble for smuggling illegal cargo."
"What kind of cargo?"
"The illegal kind."
Demi rolled her eyes. "You know, honestly, I was going to let you out," she swung around the console to get a closer view of him, "but now I think I've changed my mind after all."
"So you're just going to leave me here?"
"It's definitely a possibility."
"All right! Force. All right." He frowned. "What is this, an interrogation?"
"Something like that." Demi moved closer to his Force-field cage. "What's your name?"
"I was wondering when you were going to get to that. Call me Atton."
"Is that really your name, or is that just what you want me to call you?"
Atton smiled, but didn't reply.
"Right," Demi said, gritting her teeth. "Fine. Call me Demi."
"Nice to meet you…Demi. I'd shake your hand, but this cage only causes mild electrical burns."
"That's nice. So…why is this place deserted? You said you didn't know?"
"I never said that. Listen, what happened was, some Jedi gets here, and she's unconscious. Some of the miners get it into their skulls that they'd like to collect the bounty on this Jedi's head from the Exchange. Now, some people didn't like that. I heard some explosions, agonizing screams…your ordinary sound-effects when two groups are fighting. Then, like I said, they stopped feeding me. It was all quiet here for a pretty long time. I'm sitting here, playing pazaak by myself, and then you show up half-naked, and things got a whole lot more interesting."
"Thanks for the recap," Demi grimaced.
"Hey, you asked for it. And not that I'm tired of the view from this cage or anything, but I'd really like to get out of here. Someday soon. Like, now. And listen…Demi, right? We could help each other out. You're not getting out of here without me. I know this place like the palm of my hand."
"That's funny, considering you've only seen Peragus from inside this cell."
Atton glared. "What can I say? I'm resourceful. Demi…" He locked eyes with her. "You can trust me, okay? And I'm not just saying that 'cause I need your help getting out. I'm saying it because it's the truth. You let me out, I'll owe you one. We could fly out of here together."
Demi racked her brains for a second. Can I trust him? She'd had more than her share of betrayal before. "Lemme think for a second," she said outloud.
She closed her eyes and mentally reached out to this 'Atton', and into his thoughts. This was a tricky business, but she was curious, and she needed to do this. He wouldn't tell her anything on his own. It was hard to break inside; there was some force restricting her, squirming, blocking her from getting in. Demi was only able to get a glimpse of a very young girl dancing around, when something forcibly pushed her out, and Demi opened her eyes.
Atton was glaring at her. "Nice going, Jedi." He spat the word out like it was infectious. "Do you always do this to people you first meet? Worm your way into their brain? Hint of advice…" His voice hardened. "Don't try that stunt again. You wanted to see if you could trust me? Well, I'm seriously doubting as to whether I can trust you."
Demi exhaled. "Look, I'm sorry. I just needed to see—"
"Don't," said Atton, breaking her off. "Just forget it."
Demi nodded silently, and headed over to the console. After a few buttons, and a whirring sound, the golden force field was gone, and Atton stepped out.
"Right," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Let's go."
Demi followed him out of the room, to another console. She knew better, but she had to ask…"Who was that little girl I saw?"
"What?" Atton stared at her. "Oh." A hint of a smile spread on his face. "That was my sister."
"Was?"
Atton shook his head, and pointed to the console. "It's all yours."
"All right." Demi activated it, but couldn't help wondering what it was that Atton desperately wanted to keep to himself.
Days, months, weeks passed, and finally after much bickering, Demi and Atton found some common ground with each other. And Atton ended up telling her almost everything about his past…almost. Although he hadn't meant to tell her, it just slipped, and afterwards, it felt natural, like he was supposed to end up telling her after all. But he still couldn't talk about his sister without it hurting a bit. The guilt still came hard.
There was finally peace, or as close to peace as they could get while they fought Sith Lords and the like. And every once in a while, there was the ocassional game of pazaak.
::.Much, much later.::
"You," said Demi through gritted teeth, "are pissing me off."
Atton shrugged ruefully. "I try my best."
"Oh, I know you do."
Atton looked at her over his pazaak cards, hiding a smile that had been creeping over his face. "And that," he said with a flourish, laying down another card, "makes twenty."
"I hate you," Demi grumbled, throwing her cards up in the air in defeat.
"No, you don't. But you keep thinking that if it makes you feel better."
"I will, thank you." Demi turned to look out the window. They were in the cockpit now, playing pazaak on the floor as the Ebon Hawk, on auto-pilot, flew along.
"It's not that hard, you know," said Atton, looking at her anxiously as he picked up his precious cards. "And we're even, since you always beat me at sparring."
Demi laughed. "That's true. But I'm just not as good with numbers as you are. I mean, I see what you see, but I don't…see what you see." She finished, and turned to look at him. "Does that make any sense?"
To her surprise, Atton said, "Sure. And I'm flattered. But it's not all just about the numbers, you know. Just think about what you start out with and make the most of it. Think about what you know is waiting for you at the end, and get there. Oh, and practice. Lots. That works too."
Demi cocked her head to one side. "What if your cards don't add up?"
He seemed to think for a moment. "Then…" He stood up, and Demi followed suit. Atton took her hands, and Demi tried to stay composed. She looked down, surprised, to see his card deck in her hands. "Then maybe it's time to find a new deck. Here. I want you to have this. From me to you. This is—was—my old lucky deck; the first one I ever got, when I first started playing. I realized I was pretty good when I played away some poor guy's whole business from him, back when I was about seven. It became my mom's business. It helped us a lot. Anyway…" He ran his hand through his brown hair, a little abashed. "Maybe it will bring you the same luck."
Demi looked up at him, touched, and she realized just how much she didn't really know him. Her green eye and blue eye were sparkling.
"Thanks, Atton. Honestly. I know it meant a lot to you."
He shrugged, but his chocolate brown eyes were twinkling. "This is just my excuse to give you more lessons, you know?"
Demi punched him lightly on the shoulder, she was about to turn away, but Atton grabbed her hand. Turning back, Demi looked down at their hands, then back up at Atton. Then, for just one second, they stood face to face, their noses almost touching. Demi could see the uncertainty in Atton's eyes, yet he still leaned forward. His other hand reached up to brush back a strand of hair from her face, gently. For one second, Demi really thought he was going to kiss her. The moment was there, just waiting to be grabbed. But then…
"Hey!" yelled Mira's voice from far away. "We're landing! You guys ready?"
"We're coming!" Demi called back. She turned back to Atton, a blush creeping into her cheeks. Curse her cheeks. "Well…"
Atton exhaled slowly, then smiled at her and winked. "Let's go."
Together they left the cockpit and headed outside. Demi looked down and realized she was still holding the old, battered deck of cards. Smiling, she pocketed it, and kept it in a place near her heart. Always.
::.Back to reality.::
"Hey. Hey! Demi!"
"W-What?"
Demi opened her eyes, and found herself back in Dane's silver hovercar. Leo had been shaking her by the shoulders.
"You fell asleep. Had pleasant dreams?" His eyes twinkled. "We're almost near Dane's house, to rest and get ready. Tomorrow we're taking our flight to Atris, now that the Hawk is all well and good, repaired by Grace."
Demi remembered her back in the worshop, giving her a half salute, half wave. The image of Grace with her uncontrollable golden curls, goggles and all, was the last thing Demi saw before she was back above ground.
Now, Leo was staring intently at her. "What were you dreaming about, anyway?"
Were brothers always so nosy? "I wasn't dreaming." Demi looked out the window, remembering Atton's voice back in Peragus. We could fly out of here together… "Just remembering."
A/N: I just wanted to share some of the old memories of Carth and Elaine, and Demi and Atton, for some backstory. It makes things feel more complete. Ack! Attack of the fluffiness! lol
Update: 4.2.07: The Elaine & Carth portion was extra angstified. ;)
