Well, this my tenth chapter. I decided this needed to be something...'special', so here's something from my hall of shame.

Review replies;

TweenisodeOrange: I'm glad I did, I was worried about getting anyone's personality wrong! Spongebob is pretty generous, isn't he? Thanks for reading!

TLSoulDude: Yeah, Linkara's pretty awesome, isn't he? That fic doesn't do much for author's pride, but in some ways, it is so bad it's funny. :D Thanks for the review.

Movie-Brat: Thanks very much! :DDD

Cartooniac55: Oh yeah. Consider that by the normal x/40 rating, it would have gotten less then one. It is that bad...but I would again recommend the youtube videos.


Review Seven – 'Nickelodeon Metropolotis'

Sometimes, you'd just got to say one word…why?

Some fanfics are good, and one day I will review one that is good (I reviewed a good one in my double-feature, but that's hardly the point). A lot, however, are pussy, slimy, horrible messes of 'literature' that should be immediately destroyed.

I apologise for sounding a lot like Yahtzee there, but it's the truth. There is a lot of bad fic out there. For every gem, there's fools gold.

Case in point – Nickelodeon Metro-polo-tis.

Written by a hapless idiot named tommy_baby in the September of 2006, it is introduced with an immortal phrase, 'OK, this is my last idea for a week, I promise.'

Quantity over quality, I guess.

Anyway, this hapless schmuck was a member of a forum called NickDisk Reloaded, which is currently near death (join it, it needs help). Four years later, that schmuck would be another site complaining about what he himself did in his own past.

Yep, we're digging into one of my old shames. Enjoy – we're right in the pit of the Jake here…


"So we're reviewing one of your old shames again?" sighed Danny.

"I'm afraid so," I replied, grimly.

Danny, Timmy, Sam and I were seated at the review table, looking glumly at the screen.

"Well, let's not beat around the bush," I groaned.

Starring...

"Ahhh! A cast list!" screamed Timmy.

"I can never complain about cast lists again, can I?" I groaned.

"Nope," grinned Sam, crossing her arms.

We zoom in on the main primary school, Nickelodeon Primary, where Timmy and Jimmy are in History with Crocker.

TIMMY: I'm bored.

"Oh no, It's in script format," groaned Danny.

TIMMY: Dude, you haven't met Crocker yet.

JIMMY: So, at least he's not 83.

MRS FOWL: (OS) I heard that!

JIMMY: Besides, it's not like he's any more insane as...um...the LAST time.

"This makes no sense," noted Danny.

"I was twelve," I replied, gritting my teeth.

"That's just an excuse."

CROCKER: Congratulations, non-Timmy, you managed to get...and F.

"…F and what?" mused Timmy, "What else did he get?"

JIMMY: What? ...

In the cafiteria...

JIMMY: ...!

TIMMY: Are you quite finished?

"Well, that one wasn't so bad," shrugged Sam, "If you ignore the fact that Jimmy would have suffocated if he had screamed for that long."

The bell goes, indicating the end of the day. Timmy, Carl and Sheen wait for Jimmy.

SHEEN: Doesn't F stand for...for...For?

TIMMY & CARL: No.

SHEEN: Oh.

"Sheen isn't that stupid," snapped Timmy, "You fail again."

I gave a groan.

JIMMY: he handed me over to Crocker and I had to help him do his stupid Fairy Hunting!

TIMMY: I'm going home.

"Well, you're companionate," shrugged Danny.

Timmy scowled at him.

Timmy walks onto the bus. Meanwhile, in the Crocker Cave, Crocker is viewing a weird contraption.

"That was a…really awkward scene cut," mused Sam.

"Yeah, it'd be like us randomly cutting to Vlad finding a dollar," scowled Danny.

Meanwhile, Vlad found a dollar. He was most amused.

Later, at Timmy's house...

SPONGEBOB: Why are we here?

TIMMY: Jimmy got an F and...uh...went to 'get justice' from Crocker.

OTTO: Cracks.

"So…Otto fell apart?" considered Timmy, faintly disgusted.

"Alas, poor Otto, I knew him well," lamented Danny.

He thought for a moment.

"Wait a minute, no I don't!"

Jimmy crashes in, wearing a robotic suit.

TIMMY: Nice invention.

JIMMY: Shhh...you'll wake the fairies.

Brings out a suction thing and sucks up the sleeping Cosmo and Wanda from thier bowl)

JENNY: Timmy's goldfish?

OTTO: How dumb can you...

Jimmy fires magic at the two, knocking them into the corridor.

JIMMY: Gotta go. My master, Mr Crocker, needs me.

There was a long silence.

"What the heck just happened?" demanded Danny, at last.

"I don't know," I moaned.

The kids enter the school. It has begun to rain.

TIMMY: This reminds me of that book I skimmed through. 'Cept it had aliens.

SPONGEBOB: I read it. Did you know aliens are...

TIMMY: Spongebob, that's fiction.

SPONGEBOB: So there are no aliens in human minds?

"I think K. A. Applegate should pay me for that," I considered.

"No. No she shouldn't," replied Danny, "That was terrible."

OTTO: Dude, why are the lights still on.

"I'm so confused that I'm going to leave out the question mark…man," said Sam, in a completely neutral tone.

A cold wind blows from a hole. The Crocker Cave has a secret cave!

SPONGEBOB: (English Accent) Shall we enter? Nervous Laugh.

Sam added a fake laugh.

"Ahahaha…I hope you all die," she growled.

"Hey!" snapped Timmy and Danny.

Timmy, Danny, Spongebob, Otto, Arnold, Jenny and Tommy enter quietly. The cave is dimly lit, and has a secret base feel to it.

SPONGEBOB: This place isn't so creepy, right guys...right?

"You stole a line from Nicktoons Unite?" demanded Danny.

"Hey, back then, that game was the bee's knees," I snapped.

"The…bee's knees?"

"Yeah, I use old slang."

The kids walk slowly forward. A blue light is in the distance. Strange markings are on the walls.

DANNY: I have a feeling Crocker doesn't own this.

ARNOLD: He's evil, but he's not a genius.

"Yeah, Crocker's so dumb," Timmy sighed, "What with all those silly 'fairy gadgets' he makes? Psht! - what an idiot."

Timmy walks toward the light, in a trance.

OTTO: Turner, snap out of it!

TOMMY: Timmy, are you OK?

Timmy walks into the light.

"He is then electrocuted," added Danny, in an English accent, "His funeral is next week."

Timmy glared at him.

VOICE: Oh, come on, chaps!

Anti-Cosmo and 5 other Anti-Fairies come out of the light.

ANTI-COSMO: Can't you see. That light is Godchild Attracting! it can't possibly fail! HA!

"Yes, what ho, this plan is going swimmingly!" grinned Danny, in his fake English accent, "I mean, it makes absolutely no scientific of physical sense, but what do I know about sense, I'm British!"

I gave him a death glare.

"Oh yeah, sorry," said Danny, meekly.

"Can we skip ahead a bit," I moaned.

"Yeah, we might as well," shrugged Timmy.

The kids turn around and see Crocker sitting on a throne.

ALL: CROCKER!

CROCKER: Like that wasn't obvious, I mean, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

SPONGEBOB: I don't know how many times Plankton's said that, but...

DANNY: It never works!

SPONGEBOB: Actually, I was going to say he's tiny.

I smashed my head on a nearby wall.

The kids see a huge machine full of dirt.

DANNY: Dirt?

CROCKER: Not just any dirt! The dirt that used to be...

TOMMY: Shield your ears!

CROCKER: FAIRY GODPARENTS!

VOICE: Have you done yet, MR Crocker?

CROCKER: Uh...It's almost charged, Evil Guy.

"Evil Guy?" demanded Sam, "You called your villain…Evil Guy?"

"It's better then Arnie Kiffman," I muttered, "I'm gonna skip ahead to the…ah…gems. It'll be quicker."

"This'll be sweet," grinned Timmy, rubbing his hands.

Danny stands, nervous. The fairy, wearing a police like suit, stands.

FAIRYCOP: Don't you know Fairies, Ghosts, Robots, and basiclly everything else weird hate eachother?

"Why would a fairy refer to itself as weird?" demanded Danny.

"Maybe he's crazy," suggested Timmy.

"Now, a little further in, Jimmy gets turned into a were-zombie creature thingy and starts some sort of infection," I explained, "The creatures proceed to invade 'Bkikini Bottom' and go after Spongebob. He gets chased to Otto's, and they get chased to Arnold's. They end up on the roof, and this happens."

ARNOLD: You asked for this!

Hit's one over the head, and it turns into Jimmy.

JIMMY: OW! Arnold!

Cautiously, Spongebob hits one, and it turns into Sheen. He smiles. The four kids pick up things, and start hitting the creatures. Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda appear.

"So all you have to do to stop a zombie uprising," mused Danny, "Is hit the zombies lightly over the head, and they turn back."

"I was twelve," I repeated.

"I don't care."

ANTI-COSMO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

JIMMY: Take this!

Jimmy hits Anti-Cosmo with a newspaper.

ANTI-COSMO: OW! Anti-Wanda, we're retreating!

"Evidently Anti-Cosmo is secretly Byzantine," noted Danny.

"Don't you mean French?" asked Timmy.

"Nah, we're cool with the French here," I shrugged, "Anyway, our lot later get superpowers, whoop-de-doo, and that's an entirely forgettable episode about babysitting and Vlad and stuff. I'm pretty sure I ripped off JusSonic about here, but that's hardly the point."

"So, we're done?"

"Nope, then we get to the 'Hall of Mirrors' Episode, where they get trapped in a mirror by evil clones and…just…just read."

JIMMY: ... Brings out notepad. Writes note.

JENNY: Responds to note, tries loudspeakers. No sound.

SANDY: Moves mouth soundlessly, then looks surprised.

TIMMY: Attempts to yell. Still nothing.

ANTI-COSMO: Wish I could see this ALL day. Oh well, work to do, Evil Guy's to serve, places to destroy...

He and the copies walk away.

JIMMY: Writes on wall.No sound. Have to put up with it. Could be worse!

JENNY: Writes on wall.Don't say that, things always get worse!

JIMMY: Only when I say that. I just wrote it this time.

JENNY: So.

JIMMY: Nothing else bad can happen!

ANTI-COSMO: Over Hall of mirrors PA. Hello there, hope you realise that you ARE only relections.

SANDY: Reflection?

ANTI-COSMO: The laws of relections. No sounds, can't age, other stuff I'll let you find out. Goodbye.

Sandy soundlessly yells at Anti-Cosmo, while Patrick starts crying and Spongebob looks at his feet, knowing that this is all his fault.

The kids just sit there.

OTTO: Any ideas?

JIMMY: No, even I'M stumped.

SPONGEBOB: Well, Anti-Cosmo got us in, right?

ALL: Yeah.

SPONGEBOB: Maybe his refection

JIMMY: Reflection!

SPONGEBOB: Can get us out!

JIMMY: Spongebob, you might just have a point! But what about the laws off...

Everything goes black and white.

JIMMY: Reflections?

TIMMY: Darn.

ARNOLD: We'll get outta here!

Copy Jenny enters, having forgot something. Jenny copies her every move until she leaves. Copy Jenny comes back and decides to stand guard.

JIMMY: Jenny, snap out of it!

JENNY: Continues to copy Copy Jenny.

DANNY: Another law, When the 'real' person comes, we have to copy them.

OTTO: But we ARE real!

JIMMY: Look, are we gonna find Anti-Cosmo OR NOT?

ALL: Yeah...OK...

They walk in the direction of the mirror door. To thier relief, it has a reflection on thier door.

JIMMY: Pushes door open.

They find Anti-Cosmo's reflection, who is flying around like a weird crazy thing.

ANTI-COSMO: Hello, there, hehe!

PATRICK: Hi.

ANTI-COSMO: What do you nice people want?

JIMMY: Out of this mirror!

ANTI-COSMO: I will be nice enough to try...

JIMMY: Thanks.

ANTI-COSMO: Stand Back!

Zaps the kids away into another mirror.

JIMMY: Hey, this is just another mirror!

PATRICK: That's it!

JIMMY: DON'T!

Patrick shatters the glass between them and the real world, and they fall out.

TIMMY: I can't believe we never thought of that!

COPY JENNY: Don't move or I shatter the mirror!

Copy Jenny points to...err...Real Jenny, still stuck in the mirror.

JIMMY: Aw...poop.

COPY JENNY: Nobody move!

JIMMY: Hold on, if the person exist, how can a reflection?

COPY JENNY: Huh?

JIMMY: Easy. Moves finger.

The copy smashes the mirror, and unintentionally shatters. Real Jenny falls onto the ground.

JENNY: Phew, glad that's over.

There was a very long silence.

"…the f^{\?" uttered Danny, at last.

"Don't ask," I groaned, "Just…don't ask. We're done here."

I closed the fic.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," I sigher, walking away.

"Hey," said Danny, calmly.

I turned around.

"Everyone gets better," said Danny, with a small smile, "I mean, seriously, you enjoy writing, right?"

"Well, yeah," I replied.

"And the more you write, the better you get," added Sam.

I gave a small smile.

"…but that doesn't stop this story from sucking," finished Timmy, pulling out a rotten tomato. Danny and Sam did likewise.

Then they threw a barrage of rotten tomatoes at me.


Final Rating of 'Nickelodeon Metropolotis', by tommy_baby/E350

Danny Fenton: 0/10.

Sam Manson: 0/10.

Timmy Turner: 0/10.

E350: 0/10.

Final Verdict: 0/10.