Chapter 11
I felt terrible.
Like I'd been punched repeatedly all over my body. It was worse than when I had popped out of cryo, and worse still then when I'd gotten my spine replaced, and that had taken me weeks to truly heal from. But to be fair, I reflected as I lay limply in the stiff bed, I was young when that had happened and now I have a better, more intimate understanding of pain.
I wasn't really sure that I'd want to open my eyes just yet, either. Opening them seemed to be a commitment to the pain. Maybe if I just lay here, very still I'd be able to go back to sleep. But my traitorous bladder piped up and made it's needs known along with my grumbling, empty stomach. After a few minutes of studiously trying to ignore them I finally gave in to the inevitable, and haphazardly opened my eyes.
The room was darkened and hard to make out where exactly I was, peeking out of one eye, I saw a table with a plastic bag on it, some folded cloth inside. Maybe my clothes? Although, I did see that my cane was resting by the door, and a napping Errold sitting on a chair near me, his head propped on his hand, his eyes closed. I was in the hospital still it seemed, the smell of disinfectant was heavy in the air, which made me wonder how long I'd been unconscious. At my reflexive inquiry a scrolling log of recent activity floated by the inside of my eye. They had done extensive work on my body, even bringing in two flesh crafters to help with some of the more detailed work around my nerves and delicate spinal connections. At least that's what I surmised by the simple data read out and the changes and repeated, systematic shutdowns it had detected.
While I didn't want to wake Errold, I did want to get up and out of this bed. I clenched my jaw, stealing myself against the coming movement, knowing it would be horrible. I sat up. A low groan coming out of my mouth, the throbbing all-over ache was about as bad as I'd expected it to be. But, to my immense relief, my ability to flex and move was greatly increased. It felt amazing actually, even though my blood and skin felt like it was on fire. I carefully rotated my arm a full rotation and grinned at the mobility that I had back.
Errold stirred and looked sleepily up at me and, realizing where he was, sat up straight in his chair, "You shouldn't be moving," he scolded. But I just laughed, moving to the edge of the cot and swinging my legs over to the floor, my feet touching the smooth plastic. I let my toes flex and curl over the coolness of the floor, enjoying the slight relief that the cold gave. And, testing my balance, I gingerly stood up.
Errold, looking alarmed stood up as well, I could hear the bones and joints cracking as he did so, and put his hands out to me, protesting about the doctors wanting me to rest.
But oh, heaven's above, it felt magical. A little dizzy up here in standing land, but there was some serious magic feeling in my hip and spine.
I looked down and started feeling around between my legs for the catheter that hid there, while Errold told me again to stop, "Andromeda, I mean it! You need to lay back down. This can't be fixed again if you break it, or so I'm told... Wait! What are you-"
I gently pulled the little tube out, it hurt but everything in my body hurt. "Just stand there and let me lean on you. And stop fussing so. I can pee on my own." He clutched me as I pulled, I could see now, the deep lines on his face, his brow slightly furrowed and the dark circles under his eyes. He seemed more haggard then when I left him, his pallor grayed. "You look really terrible, when did you sleep last?" He ignored the question and pulled me closer as I tucked the tube under the edge of the mattress to keep its contents in the bag under the cot.
"Andromeda, please. Lay down." he said it so gently, like he was enticing a wild animal to perform some difficult, desired task. I took the opportunity to lean into him, enticing him to kiss me, and his head bowed slightly, but he wasn't taking the bait just yet.
"Let me pee first, huh?" I relented. Fine, if he was going to play hard to get… or play hopeless romantic? I guess I could live with it. This was another instance where I just couldn't get a firm handle on him, every time I thought I had him, he'd push me away, and then others, he'd just give into me. Was this how I acted when I was young and first corrupted? Oh, gods, I'm surprised my past lovers didn't shoot me.
I tottered to the bathroom, my leg was certainly better. It's connections had been cut and reattached with new pieces that felt so well oiled I could shout in joy, and when I walked, although it was still not very happy about holding the weight, it moved like a hot knife through butter and absolutely no clicking or any other unauthorized noises. In fact it was so smooth, the delay gone, it didn't even make the normal 'swish, swish' that I'd become accustomed to, just the clack of metal foot against plastic floor. Sitting down carefully on the metal seat of the toilet I felt real happiness rise up into my heart.
Maybe things could get better. Maybe with time, all this would pass and I would be able to move on, better than before. Well, to be hopeful was dangerous, so for now I'd take the little victories. Like being able to wiggle my toes without fearing they might pop off my foot! I wiggled them furiously to drive home that thought.
After emptying my bladder, I stood and with a limping barefoot, fancy free attitude, I smiled at Errold, refusing to let the almost overwhelming pain get my high spirits down. But I became distracted by his intense demeanor, "Andromeda," he said as I approached, "You shouldn't be up and walking, your technician said y-" I cut him off, reaching out and grabbing his hand that he'd extended to help, pulling him down for a kiss, the last words muffled by my mouth. But he pushed me back by a few fingers on my chin, "I, well, Maddock was waiting here for you, but I sent him off to get some rest." his thoughts seemed jumbled as he tried to explain this unimportant detail, I moved obediently to the bed, pulling him along with me. "I mean, how are you feeling?" he finished lamely at my teasing smile.
I hopped up onto the mattress, my legs dangling off, toes brushing the ground. "It feels like my blood's on fire and my bones are being ground to power. But, I feel wonderful. Everything is moving really great, very smoothly."
He nodded to the stick at the door, "Still going to need that, though?"
I shrugged. "Until I have the leg totally replaced, which is a massive undertaking: you have to strip the bone and other tissue down, it's such a mess. Anyway," I said waving a dismissive hand, "because of the way they took it off before I was frozen, this is as good as it gets. But Errold," I said a little gentler, as he started frowning again. "It is better. It's so much easier to move. And my parts don't feel like they could fall off with a stern glance."
Errold allowed an amused smile at that thought. He then, tentatively, as if testing it out for himself, touched my leg and thigh, sliding up to my hip. "It feels smoother, less jagged. Like here, by where the skin meets it." I grinned at him and put my hand over his. I leaned in closer to him and slid his hand higher and under my gown.
"I invite you to take the new body out for a spin," and I gave him a little wink.
He seemed tempted by the offer for a moment but shook his head and stepped back. "It's late, and we have an early day tomorrow since you're awake now."
But I still had his hand and pulled him to me as I hefted myself forward, off the bed. I captured him then with my arms around his neck and nuzzled his cheek, "let's see if I can get some color back in that face of yours. You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Andromeda." He started to say something, but then hesitated. I pulled back and gave him an inquiring look, and he continued, "you were unconscious for two days." he looked grim, "When I hadn't heard from the medical center or you for the first day I contacted them and they said they were still working on you in shifts."
My face reflected the surprise I felt. "Two days, wow. No wonder I'm starved."
"This isn't a laughing matter. They said that the replacements they had to make were extensive and you'd be in bed for days. And then when they brought you in…" he paused, and I saw where the concern was from. "It was... not what I had thought it was going to be like."
I tried again to lighten his solemn mood, "I thought inquisitor's were unflappable." And while his face was still stern, I felt the change in his body. How it eased, his hands actually touching the small of my back.
"You should get some rest." It was tender, the way he said it, and I gently touched the side of his head with my hand while studying that emotion.
"I feel more alive now than I've felt in days," I rubbed my nose against his chin and side of his face again, "don't push me away."
He looked torn as he returned the nuzzle, I touched his lips with mine; he returned the kiss and pulled me into his embrace.
Afterwards we lay on the little cot while he embraced me from behind, his arms encircling me, his nose resting against my neck. And within seconds I heard the soft snore, and my heart did a somersault. He must have been exhausted, and try as I might, I couldn't swallow the feeling of emotion creeping up my throat. These encounters were just my way of making life with the inquisitor easier. If he was fucking me, he would grow to trust me, although I hadn't anticipated him secretly being a romantic bleeding heart. And his feelings, stirred by the corruption, seemed to be magnified and difficult for him to sort out, even better for me. So why did I have this strange feeling in my stomach, like a multitude of little winged creatures were swirling around in it? And why was my heart doing little foolish flip flops when he held me close like this? This was business as usual. That was it, right? Just me trying to make my life easier. Yeah. Just business as usual.
Later that night a nurse came in and gasped, I sleepily put my finger to my lips, and then waved my hand at her, signalling for her to leave. Her eyes wide, she backed out of the room, and shut the door.
The next morning I woke up in Errold's arms, the warmth of this body was very pleasant and took the sting out of waking up not only physically, but emotionally. I spent a few minutes just enjoying the sensation. It had been hard waking up alone on the days I had. Yet another thing I had been spoiled for during my time on the Revealing Justice; the sword-class ship I had managed to hijack and convince the crew of that I was not only appointed in-charge-of by the previous captain, but that I was an inquisitor.
But now I was once again a humble cog in the great Imperial machine and had to get my fixes however I could. Although, I thought as I turned in Errold's arms so I could look at his still sleeping face, I could do worse.
He stirred as I peered at him in the dim light of the room, "you awake already?" he asked groggily.
"Yes. I don't need as much sleep as you do, old man."
"Hey now," he said, waking up more and pressing his hips against me, "Careful, I'll have to get out my cane- Oh wait, you're the one with the cane, that's right."
"Hey!" I laughed and pulled him into a kiss, pushing the thoughts of my past and current lover's to the side, allowing myself to melt into his eager embrace.
Afterwards, sweaty and gasping we collapsed on the bed, and only after a moment of gentle kissing and nuzzles he got up and I watched him disappear into the bathroom. I fought off the sinking feeling creeping up inside me like a dark fog choking all the tender new green of hope that had taken root in my heart. It had been too good to fast. Just a few days and I'd already gotten myself into a fair amount of trouble, some of which I had yet to see the consequences of. And it was that unknown that slowly gripped me, the dark tendrils whispering their worst case scenarios at me as they squeezed the hope from my heart.
My body still hurt a great deal and I stretched slowly, remembering the time my spine had been replaced. That moment, when I woke up, had changed me. I remembered how as youngsters we had placed bets on which of the new graduates would break from the pain. Later when it had been my turn to awaken on that cold slab of metal, while I had wept quietly, I had refused to cry out.
Errold finished up, came out and dressed. He stole a tentative glance over at me while he buttoned up his shirt, appearing to brace himself for a fight, and said, "I'm leaving to check up on something. You shouldn't get up until your technician clears you. I'll let them know to come and check on you. Until then I have something I need you to look at if your up to it while I'm out."
I was fighting off my own internal demons and would actually be glad of the reprieve from the inquisitor's trained eyes, "Okay." I said, lacing my fingers over my chest, wiggling into my pillows, and putting one foot over another. "Be safe." I added hoping this would show my sincerity instead of merely being suspicious.
However, this simple reply did elicit a suspicious look from him, I had seemingly given up so easily.
"Really? Just like that? What are you up to, girly."
I scrunched up my face with disgust, "Oh no. You're never calling me that again. And I'm not hiding anything. No tricks, I promise. I just... hurt a lot and don't want to strain my newly fixed parts. You paid a hefty dime for these," I said patting my leg and grinning, "You should be happy I'm looking to take care of them."
Still suspicious but willing to let it be for now he nodded, "I paid nothing. As an Inquisitor it is my right to merely ask for any imperial service." He picked up his jacket, leaned down to the bed and kissed me, "But you knew that, with all your impersonating."
"Touche." I said, smiling back at him. "I mean it though, be safe, huh? I really don't want to jump out into space again anytime soon."
"I will endeavor to do my best." he replied, and taking one last look at me as if gauging my comment again, left the room.
I laid back in the blankets and snuggled into them. More time for me to sleep in, a win/win no matter how you looked at it.
Nurses came in some time after to check on me, giving me a cocktail of medicines to help with the pain and recovery. They just made me groggy and listless, my face started to feel numb and my arms heavy, I sunk back into the bed, half sleep.
Not long after Maddock came through the door. He smiled at me as I sat up slowly, "I smuggled in some meat pies from this place down on the main drag. I had them yesterday. Very tasty. I thought you'd like to try them." it was just the kind of sweet, childlike, but still thoughtful thing he seemed to just do. I took the food and motioned for him to sit at the foot of the bed while I ate.
"So, tell me all the scintillating details of what happened while I was getting my insides turned out." I said through a bite of meat pie.
He made a face, showing his displeasure at the thought, "You know, you say that as a joke, but you looked really bad when we first saw you."
I cocked my head at this and thoughtfully chewed my food. "So, you guys have been at the hospital the whole time? I was wondering what was dream and what was real."
"Yeah," He said, "We got Lenny first, then headed-" He paused and looked up as if he said to much, "What do you remember?"
I thought about the snippets of conversation with the psyker. He had dredged up quite a few memories that I hadn't been keen on reliving. "Well, I remember your friend poking through my head. Not so fun. Have you ever had it done to you?"
"No." he replied a little sheepishly.
I felt tired and now with food in me, I felt the sluggish mind fog of sleep rolling in. I leaned back into the pillow and waved dismissively at him and his lack of experience. "I'm gonna catch a few 'Z's' while I can."
Maddock made a long, dramatic drawn out sigh from the foot of the bed and put a hand on my leg, "Andie, we were really worried about you. You looked… well, the scars are mostly gone now, but there were gashes all over your body when we first saw you. You looked like you'd gone through a meat grinder. I've never seen Errold so angry. He yelled at the tech's about how if they'd broken you he'd have their heads."
"Aww," I said with a little laugh, "He's such a softie. Who knew?" But at Maddock's angstful expression, I soothed, "It's okay. I'm already feeling better then I did last night. I'm sure I'll be bouncing around the place in no time." I tried to sound as reassuring as possible, the poor kid looked like he'd just lost his puppy.
"Oh, I almost forgot," he said, pulling out a data pad and handing to me, "When you're up to it, Errold wanted you to go over this. See what you can make of it."
"I can't do much of anything right now, they've got me hopped up on all sorts of crazy shit." but I took the pad anyway. "I'll take a look at it after my nap." I winked at him and he rewarded me with a smile.
He stood and said, "I'll leave you too it then." And made to leave the room.
"Nah, stay. Hang out. I'm stoned not dead. What's been going on while I've been asleep? Leonard is feeling better, I take it?"
"Yeah, full recovery. He got a nasty shot to the head, but he's back on his feet." He said, sitting in the empty chair next to the bed. "It's honestly been really quiet. Well, other then that merc I shot while-" His words cut off as he remembered the incident.
"What merc?" I was curious now and prodded him for more information.
"She was, uh, with Lockharte when me, Lenny and Errold were captured. I, uh," he looked uncomfortable. "I shot her in the fire fight. She was the only one to survive the fighting. Well, survive is a strong word." He looked up at me then, searching my face for something. "Andie? Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, knock your socks off, kid. It's not like I'm going anywhere."
"Do you ever forget all the blood? Do you ever stop feeling guilty when you kill them?"
I was taken aback by the question. It wasn't something I'd thought about in years, I'd lived in a state of kill or be killed for so long, of fight or flight, the philosophical line of thinking wasn't something I'd had the luxury to indulge in. "Not really. The killing part gets easier, but the rest…" I waved a hand vaguely at something unspoken. "Like I said on the ship. There are those I wish hadn't died and some I'm glad did." I thought back to the Technician Lepski's words. They had stung at the time, but now I was able to see the wisdom there. The kindness that they were trying to show me. I wish now that I could find them, give them a big hug and buy them a drink. "It's just the way it is, sometimes." I was feeling very sleepy now and it was hard to hold my eyes open.
He didn't seem happy at my reply. "I just-" He looked nervous and leaned towards me lowing his voice. "I don't think I like that part of the job. The killing. It makes my insides turn to knots." then he added quickly, "please don't tell Errold I said that."
It was hard for me to focus on his words now, and I just smiled weakly in his direction, turning my head slightly, not opening my eyes. "I think that's supposed to be normal, kid. Didn't you hear? I'm an aberration and a heretic. Nothing I do is ever the correct thing." I reached out to him, my hand limply falling off the bed, and I felt his hand in mine as the drugs fully kicked in, sweeping over me like a warm blanket. "Your gonna be fine. Your maybe a little too nice, but your heart's in the right place. Don't let anyone beat that wonder out of you, huh? It's your best qualit-" I trailed off as I fell asleep.
Maddock gently tucked my hand back on the bed next to me and gave it a little squeeze.
