Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does.
Despite the Dream, I woke up too early on Monday morning. I'd slept fitfully, almost waking up several times before I slid back into sleep's oblivion, but at four thirty-seven in the morning, my eyes opened, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried for a few minutes, but then the memories of the Dream and the conversation I'd had with Edward that night started to replay themselves, and sleep evaded me. I sighed, kissing my hopes for more shut-eye goodbye, and rolled over, so I was facing Edward, whom I could feel next to me.
The faint moonlight shining through the window glinted off his hair and cast his skin in a pale, silvery light, making him so beautiful that I couldn't speak. He was tense, though, scrutinizing my face with worried eyes. "Are you all right?" he breathed in the darkness. He reached forward and cupped my face in one cool hand.
I leaned into his touch. "I'm fine," I whispered. "I just can't sleep anymore."
Edward stroked my cheek, his golden eyes melting in relief. "Would you like me to sing you to sleep?" he asked gently, lovingly. "You must be so tired."
I smiled at him, wishing that I could make the peace of this moment last, but knowing that I couldn't, not if I said what needed to be said. "No," I replied, and sighed. "We should probably talk," I began reluctantly, "about...... what I said earlier, after the Dream." Edward tensed again, and opened his mouth, no doubt to vehemently refuse my request again, but I shushed him. "Wait. I know what you're going to say. I'm not going to try to convince you of anything tonight. I just want to tell you why that's what I want."
Edward waited, but he didn't relax. His eyes were tight. I sighed again, and placed my hand over the hand he had on my cheek, holding it there just in case. I began quietly. "I've always had Dreams. I can't remember ever not having them. They've just always been there, always been a part of who I am, a part of my life." Edward closed his eyes for a moment, pained for what he knew I'd gone through my whole life. I waited until he opened them again before I continued. "You've read the journals – you know the theory we Dreamers have about how the next Dreamer is chosen."
Edward nodded. "The next person who can bear what she will Dream of becomes the next Dreamer," he whispered.
I smiled sadly. "Yes. I can, to a certain extent, live with what I Dream. But Dreaming is very hard." I shook my head slightly, trying to keep myself in the present, out of the memories. "I think you can understand what it fells like to Dream, in a way – you can experience a person's memories through their thoughts. But....." I paused for a second, making sure I was composed. "you can't understand completely. When you read someone's mind, you still remember who you are. You can block them out, you can move away from them until they're out of range. You can escape it. I can't. I am totally at the mercy of the Dreams."
"Bella," Edward whispered, anguished.
"No," I murmured, "Let me finish. And no matter how many times I Dream, no matter how hardened I become to what I see, the people I Dream about do not. It is their last, horrible experience, and to they are not hardened to it." I was surprisingly calm. "And, since I loose myself when I Dream, the Dream holds as much horror and fear for me as it did for the original person it actually happened to." Then I started to loose my calm. I took a shaky breath, and my voice shook when I spoke. "I can bear what I see – that is, it's not so bad that I want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger, but that doesn't mean it's not wearing me down. Breaking me. I can fight it, I can do whatever I want, but the only thing I can do is slow the process down. All the stories, all the death..... eventually it's impossible to bear. My grandmother died broken by what she Dreamed. It took her entire life for her to get that way, but it did happen. And, concerning you and me, I want to be with you forever – and I only know of one way that can happen. "
I shook my head hard and regained control of myself. I looked and Edward and tried to smile, to sooth him, because he looked like someone was burning him alive. I laid my hand against his cold, soft cheek. "It's okay," I promised, and my voice was steady again. I continued my explanation. "Those are my more selfish reasons for wanting to be changed, the ones that apply only to me. But there are other, slightly more practical reasons, not the least of which is my humanity." I met Edward's eyes. "I am human," I reminded him softly. "I am going to die. You've known that from the beginning." Edward nodded slowly and closed his eyes again. "What did you intend to do?" I asked.
Edward didn't open his eyes. "I'd planned to stay with you for the rest of your human life." Something seemed to occur to him, something that made him sad. "Or as long as you wanted me."
I chuckled. "I'll always want you," I told him. "My life was and would be almost impossibly hard without you. You're my Someone."
Edward's eyes flew open in shock. "What?" he asked incredulously.
Oops. I'd thought he'd made the connection already. I started to blush. "Um, you read my journal, right?" I asked, red-faced.
Edward was still surprised. "Yes."
I dropped my eyes. "Well, then you know my theory that every Dreamer has a Someone. You're mine."
Edward blinked. "I – I am?" he asked. That was the first time I'd heard him stutter.
His reaction made me feel so embarrassed! I'd assumed he'd already known! I still wouldn't look at him. "A Someone is, by definition, a person the Dreamer is very close to, and who makes the Dreams easier to bear."
Edward lifted my chin with a cold finger until my eyes met his. They were happy. "Do I do that for you?" he inquired.
I couldn't help but grin through my embarrassment. "Yes. The Dream I had last night...." I flinched slightly, but continued, "Before I met you, I would have been a wreck for weeks from a Dream like that. You help me remember that there are good things outside my Dreams – you keep me from losing myself completely in the aftermath." My expression softened into a gentle smile, and when I spoke again, my voice was a little choked up. "It helps more than you know for you to be there when I wake up."
Edward pulled me against his chest and held me tightly for an immeasurable amount of time. I never wanted to move or do anything to change that moment, but I had a point to prove. "Besides," I murmured, "I know that vampires run into each other every once and a while, and if that happens and they see that I'm human and still with you anyway, they might get suspicions about how much I know. They might involve the Volturi."
Edward sighed, unwilling to go back to this topic. But I was stubborn, and I hadn't left him much of a choice. "I've listened to your reasons," he said suddenly. "Now would you listen to mine?"
Uh-oh. He was going to come up with some brilliant argument that would be absolutely impossible for me, a mere human, to beat. But he had listened to me, and it would be unfair if I didn't listen to him. "Sure," I replied, cringing. "Go ahead."
Edward took a deep breath, and I felt a brief pang of guilt – my scent had to burn his throat, and I knew how that felt. "I'm going to start talking theology," he warned, then said, "I don't know about you, but I believe in God, Heaven and Hell, and the existence of souls. I believe that we are all born with a soul. But.... I also believe that when I was changed into a vampire I lost my soul."
"What?" I screeched. Edward without a soul? Ridiculous! Edward and his family were some of the most caring, loving, loyal, kind people I knew! How could they not have souls?
"Shh!" Edward hissed. Oh – I had forgotten that Charlie was asleep in the next room. We both listened, but Charlie's snores continued with interruption. After Edward was certain that my father was still sleeping soundly, he defended his opinion. "Really, Bella, is it so hard to believe? I am not human, I will live forever, and my most basic of instincts are telling me to kill you right now."
"Yes, it most certainly is that hard to believe!" I muttered angrily. No soul. Of all the foolish, misguided ideas. "Why would God punish you for something that was out of your control?"
Edward sighed again. "I have wondered that myself, and Carlisle has asked me the same question – I will answer you the same way I answer him. Even if God overlooked my being a vampire, He could never overlook my past. I have killed so many people – you know that – and I have lied, stolen, coveted...... I hardly qualify for a shot at Heaven."
My mouth pressed into a hard line, and, without thinking, I growled my rebuttal. If he wanted theology, I would give him theology. "'For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast.' By grace, Edward, not works. 'For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.' 'For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Jesus Christ our Lord.'" Edward stared at me, shocked again, and I smiled sheepishly. "It's Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:23, and Romans 8:38-39." He continued to stare, and I giggled. "When I was fifteen I Dreamed about a man who had been burned at the stake for heresy during the Protestant Reformation," I explained. "He was a priest before he was excommunicated for his views, so he knew a lot about the Bible."
Edward smiled slightly. "A very convincing argument," he murmured in my ear.
I couldn't quite manage to smile back. "But was it convincing enough for you to agree to change me?" I asked, even though I thought I already knew the answer.
I was right. Edward shook his head slowly. "Even if I could be confident that I would not be harming your soul, there would still be the physical pain to consider. I could never hurt you like that."
I frowned. "I've dealt with it before. It passes. I can handle it."
Edward laughed one dark laugh. "Oh, I'm sure you could handle it," he muttered, "but I would still have to live with myself, knowing that you had to deal with it because of something I did."
I sighed sharply. "You," I declared, "are impossible." Then I sighed again, more softly this time. "But I guess that's just a part of why I love you."
Edward chuckled and pressed his cold lips to my forehead. "And you'll never know how happy that fact makes me." Then he moved on to a different subject. "So....." he began, "How would you feel about coming to a baseball game with me on Wednesday?" I tried to keep my face blank. I didn't like baseball. Or any other sport, for that matter. But if Edward liked baseball, and he wanted to go to this game, then I wouldn't tell him that. But Edward saw through my carefully neutral expression, and started laughing quietly before I could respond. "I wish you could see your face! Don't worry, Bella, this will just be my family and me playing in a place we know of. A rather bad storm will hit town this Wednesday, and my family wants to play."
I was relieved, but also curious. I had never Dreamed of anything like this. Vampire baseball. Interesting. "What's the significance of the storm?" I inquired, wondering if I was going to get absolutely soaked at this game.
But Edward just chuckled. "This is one of the few things you haven't seen before, and you expect me to give away the surprise? No, you'll just have to wait and see."
I grimaced slightly. It was very odd, not knowing what the game would be like. Usually, I'd seen it all and then some. But, as strange as it felt, I was enjoying the feeling. I didn't know what was coming, was not forewarned by all my previous experiences in my Dreams, had seen nothing like this before. It was something new. Not knowing made me feel almost normal for a second.
For the rest of the early morning until my alarm clock went off, Edward and I laid there and talked. We kept it light, asking questions and staying away from the topic of my changing into a vampire. We had come as far as we could come on that issue tonight. The rest would have to wait. We talked about books, art, movies, music – which, I noticed, Edward absolutely loved – and everything else we could cram into those few hours.
Edward ran home when I started to get ready for school, but reappeared in his Volvo – without his siblings – as I was walking out my front door, and offered me a ride to school, which I gladly accepted. We talked a little more on the way, but the conversation had to stop in the parking lot, because Alice interrupted in her perky way. She skipped right up to us, gave me a hug, jumped back and said, "Hey!" in a bright voice. "I saw that you were going to come to the baseball game with Edward!" I smiled at Alice – who was rapidly becoming my friend – and nodded. "Awesome!" she crowed. I opened my mouth to ask a question, but Alice cut me off with her answer. "No, you won't need a rain coat – the storm will be over the town, so it should be dry where we'll be."
I smiled wryly. I would have to get used to her answering before I even got the question out of my mouth. "Thanks."
Alice brushed my thanks off with a graceful flutter of her fingers. "No problem." She glanced back at the school. "Anyway, the bell's going to ring in three minutes. See you later, Bella, Edward." And she danced off to her first period class with me staring after her, envious of her natural, effortlessly dance-like movement. She glanced back at me as she went, and grinned. "I hope you're ready for some ball!" she called. I smiled, but felt a stab of nerves. I had no idea what the game would be like, but I hoped I was ready, too.
