Sorry for the delay, I was on vacation and had no time to write a new chapter. But here it goes now :)

Chapter 11

Whose fault?

Their kiss didn't seem to change anything at all. Remus continued his little hiding game and Tonks knew she wouldn't be able to find him until he wanted to be found. He wouldn't rely on information from Sirius anymore. None of the others knew about Tonks' feelings, so her only supporter was useless by now. She knew it wasn't his fault, that he didn't mean to ruin everything. Besides, there had been nothing to ruin beforehand. Remus never showed any intention to be with her and Tonks thought it about time to give in. Or, better said, she would have thought so if there hadn't been that kiss. Night after night she lay awake and tried to preserve the feel of it. She was quite sure that nothing like this would happen again, so she had all the more reason to save that one memory she had of being so close to him. No matter how many times she returned to that scene whilst lieing in bed, her heart always started to beat frantically whenever she thought of him kissing her. To be exact, kissing her as he had when Sirius disturbed them. Tonks was sure she wasn't able to imagine all that passion and love that had been in his kiss. But if he really loved her, why would he try to hide from her? Either he was a very good actor or her imagination was running wild. Remus Lupin didn't want Nymphadora Tonks. He never had and he never would, no matter what she wanted. Or how she longed for him.

The memories and the certainty that there was no chance to have him took away what little sleep she had had left since she had entered the order. She did her best to hide her state, mixing potions to prevent her from falling asleep during a meeting or work. But her concentration was low and the days went by without her noticing it. It became harder to hold up her cheerful manner. Usually it was natural to her but right now she felt like hiding away in her bed, spending her days with sleep and crying. Some of the others seemed to notice, like Moody or Molly. Sirius guessed what was wrong with her and the rest didn't care. Sometimes there was a mean comment from Mundungus or Snape, but she didn't pay any attention to it. To be honest, she never paid much attention to the meetings, trying her best not to fall asleep or to stare at Remus.

"Moony, you can't tell me you didn't notice! What are you doing? I mean, do you ever even look at her?"

"That's exactly what I'm trying not to do, thanks Sirius."

"Then you should risk a short glance the next time she is here. Moony, what you're doing to her is not a game. Stop hiding like a little child and speak to her, damn it!"

"I'm not going to speak to her, Sirius, no matter how much you're cursing. And whatever it is you mean, I'm not responsible for anything that has to do with Nymphadora."

"Don't lie to yourself, Remus! You know exactly that you are responsible for her state!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sirius."

Remus returned emphatically to his book. All he wanted to do was blocking out Sirius and his allegations, but when he saw which book he held in his hands, he regretted his decision. It was Jane Austen's Persuasion, the book Tonks had advised him on Christmas. Thinking of that day was still hard on him, even though it was February by now. Whenever he thought of this night, he felt the urge to know her better. She had surprised him by preferring Muggle authors, especially by liking Jane Austen. He had never thought her someone to read her novels. Remus wanted to know what Tonks was really like, not the side she showed to the others. She had shown him so different facets those two nights he had come close enough to notice something that he wanted to see all the others as well. He longed to be the person who knew her best, to discover every little detail about her. But the only way he could do so would be to let her in and he couldn't let that happen. She shouldn't be involved with someone like him and he would prevent her from being so. It wasn't important what Sirius had to say.

"She looks horrible, Moony. She is as pale as a ghost and the dark circles beneath her eyes are frightening. I tried to talk to her but she didn't even concentrate on the conversation. I found potions in her pocket. Potions to hinder her falling asleep during the meetings. She doesn't sleep any more and I'm pretty sure that it has to do with you. Better said with the fact that you kissed her on Christmas and ran away afterwards. Yeah, don't look at me like that, I know what you did."

Remus stayed silent. There was nothing he could say to that. The only thing he knew was that Sirius had given him wrong information once before to get him to talk to Tonks. He would have to check his report about her health from the distance.

Two weeks later he was convinced that there was something wrong with Tonks. He had caught a glimpse at her from time to time and she always looked as horrible as Sirius had described it. Although her hair was still bubblegum pink and she tried to be as cheerful as before he could see that she was on the edge. Even her potions – he had seen the bottles in her pockets when he had crossed the cloakroom one day – couldn't prevent her from nodding off now and then. Especially when Snape was talking. Remus still didn't know why he should be responsible for any of this, but he knew that she needed someone to talk to. He couldn't be with her, but he could be her friend. He could listen to her and help her. Surely there was another reason for her behaviour than that kiss on Christmas. There was no way it could mean much to her, so it wouldn't stand between them.

It was nearly April when he decided to put his plan into action. He made himself comfortable in the library, knowing from Sirius that she still came here whenever she was at Grimmauld Place. It didn't take long and she entered the room in fact. When she saw him she made to turn away and leave, but this time Remus stopped her.

"Tonks, wait! I wanted to talk to you."

She looked at him as if he was a ghost. After some seconds her expression turned to incredulous.

"Since when do you talk to me?"

"I never..."

"Oh, come on, Lupin, don't say it. Don't lie to me. I know you avoided me at all cost. What made you change your behaviour?"

"Well, um, I... I wanted to talk to you. You look like you could need someone to talk to."

"If it were like that, I wouldn't choose you to be my interlocutor. I have friends to listen to me and they don't run away whenever they see me. So thanks for your offer, but I would prefer to go now."

She turned again and Remus couldn't bear to see her going away from him like that. He definitely hurt her, something he had never intended to do.

"Tonks, I am sorry. I know that my behaviour was childish. I never meant to hurt you, but I can see that I did. You don't have to, but if you like to tell me what is wrong I will listen and try to help you. I promise that I won't run away."

He tried to smile but he knew that it looked rather sheepish than honest.

"There is nothing I could say to you, Remus. You could help me, but I know you won't."

"Of course I will help you. Just tell me what it is you want me to do and I'll be yours."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. You won't help me because it wouldn't fit with your conscience."

"How do you know without asking me?"

"I'm not as stupid as most think me to be. I trust my intuition when it comes to things like that."

"Just tell me what you want."

"You're really sure that you want to know?"

"I am."

A voice in the back of his mind screamed at him that it was the wrong answer. That she would tell him what he hadn't wanted to hear that night in the library so many months ago. That she was right when she said that he couldn't help her because her wish was against his conscience. All of a sudden he knew exactly what she was about to say. But it was too late to stop her from saying it out loud.

"I want you, Remus. I love you. And the problem is, that I can't have you."

She quitted the room.

It is all my fault.