Ethan had been having trouble sleeping on and off for months. Games, his punching bag, running, and even opening his windows to let in the noise of the city had been his only coping mechanisms. So it came as a surprise to him that he slept so soundly the last two nights and even sounder with Sarah next to him; until she wasn't. She was up and unable to sleep; her vacancy felt like a cold chill beside him. He got up and found her in his kitchen; she was looking through his cabinets. He cleared his throat to let her know of his presence.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" She asked coming down off her tiptoes and turning to him. She had on an oversize t-shirt; one of his, and nothing else. Her loose curls wild, framing her face; it was clear to him that even as beautiful as she looked in the moment, she hadn't slept, or if she had it wasn't well. He shook his head and sauntered over to her.
"Can I help you find something?" he asked with a smile and a raised eyebrow.
It dawned on Sarah again that it probably looked a little paranoid, her, searching through his cabinets at three in the morning. Sarah blushed.
"I wanted to make a cup of tea," she said answered apologetically.
Ethan nodded and opened the cabinets where he kept his mugs and a vast array of teas and coffee in his cabinet. He filled the kettle and then turned to her, picking up her hand to partially hold it.
"Normally I'm the one up and walking around at this time, but imagine my surprise at seeing you awake," he said with a grin, "Why can't you sleep?" he asked in that concerned tone she was still getting used to hearing from him.
Sarah looked away, a little ashamed, until Ethan brought his hand up to her chin.
"Sarah," Ethan said bringing her gaze back to him.
"Pathology; tomorrow is my last day in the ED and I picked wrong Ethan," she answered looking back down.
The tea kettle whistled and Ethan dropped his hand from her face and grabbed the kettle to remove it from the flame. He filled a glass mug and handed it to Sarah.
"Thanks," she said but her eyes were somewhere else again.
"Is that all it is Sarah?" Ethan asked again studying her face, her eyes.
Sarah looked up again meeting the rich darkness of his eyes, filled with concern.
"How am I supposed to help people, people like Danny, when I'm in the lab? He's still out there probably scared. I failed him, it's not how I wanted my last days to be…," she said trailing off and looking back down.
Ethan moved closer and pulled her into a hug, her soft curls tickling his bare chest.
"C'mon, we can't face what isn't actually in front of us, let's get some sleep…bring your tea," he said with a grin.
He led her back into bed; pulling her toward his hard chest, spooning her. His arms felt like a protective field from all of it and within that space she was safe; from worry, from doubt, from Pathology. The protective field of iris and amber is what she lay upon; finally guiding her to sleep. When they awoke it felt like minutes later, Ethan's arms still around her, but he had a finger looped around one of her curls. The nameless little bird in the cage was reacting to the alarm. They both let out the faintest of grumbles as it was clear morning was arriving much too soon.
"I need a shower," Sarah groaned as she began to move but Ethan tightened his hold on her.
"Me too, we could earn it," he said moving her hair to kiss her neck.
"I actually need to wash my hair," she said as her eyes rolled back into her head under the intoxication of his kiss.
"I can wash it for you," he said with a light tug on her ear lobe with his teeth.
"Sure you can," Sarah answered barely escaping the headiness of his caress, "I still need to get clothes."
"Wear mine downstairs," he said moving his hand to her legs.
"Ethan," Sarah answered with a frustrated smile.
"Yes," he said innocently.
Sarah pulled away and sat up, her curls cascading down her back, but she turned to look at him.
"I'll settle for a ride," she said with a smile.
"That's what I'm trying to do Sarah," Ethan said using his powerful arms to pull at her waist, she fell against the bed again.
"To work," she giggled as he spottily patched her face with kisses.
He planted one more of the intoxicating kisses on her lips and gave a small groan.
"Fine," he said defeated but with a smile, as he watched her stand and pull off the large shirt she'd borrowed from him.
Sarah walked downstairs but ran into a familiar face; it was Jason, outside her door knocking.
"Jason? What are you doing here?" she asked smiling.
He turned with a Cheshire style grin on his face watching Sarah arrive from her location.
"What are you not doing here? I'd ask you where you're coming from but I think I can guess," he said shaking his head with a smile and looking her up and down.
Sarah blushed and shrugged opening the door to her apartment and letting him in.
"I needed to get a shower and a change of clothes," Sarah replied sheepishly.
Jason laughed as Sarah pulled her keys out to unlock the door. The faintest waft of day old booze graced her nostrils. Jason had been out drinking again. She went to the kitchen and grabbed down a set of vegan muffins from atop her pantry, she immediately offered Jason one to sober him up.
"Coffee?" she said as she pulled the filters down.
He nodded and sat at her breakfast bar looking through a medical journal on the counter. Pathology Today, it sent a shiver down her spine. Wheeler noticed the look she had at the magazine.
"You start on Monday huh?" Jason said gumming at the muffin.
Sarah shrugged but the disappointment was all over her face as she slid a mug in front of him.
"Yeah, I have to report to Dr. Shore on Monday but I think that I'm going to go down there today and meet her beforehand….maybe try and figure out what to do next," Sarah said despondently as she poured a cup of coffee for herself.
The caffeine was much needed. She headed to her bedroom with the drink in hand.
"What are you doing by so early?" Sarah yelled as she took her clothes off and wrapped her robe around her.
"Well, I know it's your last day in the ED and I wanted to go in together, maybe get a drink or dinner afterwards, you know solidify this whole bromance we got going on," he said flipping through the magazine and sipping his coffee.
"Actually….Ethan is going to take me to work today," Sarah said sheepishly as she headed to her bathroom.
"I knew it! You're just like my friends in high school!" Jason yelled over the shower water, "Ditched me as soon as they got a boyfriend," he said pouting and stuffing the rest of his vegan muffin in his mouth.
Sarah popped her head around the corner of the bathroom door,
"Hey! I'm no flake, I promised remember?" she said jokingly offended, "We'll get dinner tonight after work; you pick."
"Okay…you better not bail!" he yelled over to her as he was getting up.
"You just make sure they have a decent vegetarian option!" She yelled from the bathroom as the suds rushed into her mouth.
Sarah finished her shower, brushed her teeth, and put on her scrubs to get ready for her last day in the ED, but as the seconds closed in before Ethan knocked on her door to pick her up an uneasiness was setting in that she couldn't quite place. They walked down to the jeep, Ethan was his usual stoic self, but Sarah was lost in thought as the overwhelming feeling of uneasiness kept growing as the miles closed in towards Gaffney. Ethan parked and leaned over towards Sarah. He pulled her chin in and kissed her, long, passionately, each tickle of his tongue against hers a snap of magic, each taste of his lips like pomegranate from the forbidden god across from her, dragging her to an unknown place. But unfortunately this was not the place or the time to explore the kingdom of Ethan; they were in the parking lot.
"Hmm, what was that for?" Sarah said opening her eyes slowly, not wanting the reality to replace the dream.
"To hold me over, but I guess after today I can do that in even at Med," Ethan said smiling and tracing her lips with his thumb.
Yup, this was the reality, they were at Med, this was Sarah's last day in the ED and they could pursue their relationship publicly. Had two weeks really gone by that fast?
"True," she said shrugging and nodding with a somber smile.
"See it's not all bad," Ethan replied grabbing his book bag from the back.
"You're right Ethan, making out with you at Med is definitely worth the trade of being placed in the wrong residency program," Sarah answered sarcastically; the uneasiness was transitioning to something else.
Ethan just laughed. But then Sarah looked over at him, serious, and a little frightened.
"Did you always know?" she asked as he was beginning to open the door.
"That I wanted to work in trauma?" Ethan said back.
Sarah nodded.
"Yeah, always, and I've never had any doubt that saving lives was what I wanted to do," he replied earnestly.
Sarah rolled her eyes her envy surfacing for the first time. Ethan just absorbed the look. There wasn't anything he could do about it, he knew his calling, and had known it for years. He didn't really know what it would be like to be in the wrong program, but he had tried to talk her out of it and now it was time to face facts and pay the piper. They arrived at the double doors of Gaffney and walked in, the steel soldier was like a mask that Ethan put on when he was ready to be focused; ready to work. Sarah didn't have that, but something was building in her that she couldn't place. Agitation. Rage.
She was envious watching Ethan and Dr. Halstead calling the shots and working with patients. She knew that would never be her. She'd been asked to assist a case alongside Dr. Rhodes. The man was in horrible shape and it seemed almost mysterious until Sarah spotted what looked like an infected pimple but she knew better and so did Dr. Rhodes when she pointed to it. They immediately got the man up to the OR, it was necrotizing fasciitis, and he had gone to his primary but the doctor had misdiagnosed it. Sarah was sick to her stomach with rage as she tried to channel it into being supportive of his partner who was completely distraught. The surgeons worked frantically and ultimately ineffectively to try and cut out the infected portions. Sarah came in to get an update from doctors Rhodes and Zanetti about the patient. She wasn't particularly fond of Zanetti, and it was her last day so she decided she didn't care about rank or hierarchy.
"The patient's partner would like an update," Sarah said succinctly.
"We are still working," Zanetti hissed.
"Dr. Rhodes?" Sarah started, ignoring Dr. Zanetti, "Is that what I'm saying?"
Zanetti scoffed as Connor answered yes, and Sarah walked down the corridor; pissed off and seething like a rabid dog.
She found the man's partner and updated him, knowing full well that a recovery of any sort was not likely. When she turned the corner she saw his primary doctor in the ED, he seemed perplexed that his patient's conditioned had been diagnosed as flesh-eating bacteria.
"He wasn't diabetic, it presented as a superficial skin infection, no fever, and he wasn't in renal failure. I gave him the standard and sent him on his way….," said a sadden Dr. Unger to his colleague Dr. Charles as they walked upstairs.
They appeared to be heading to Dr. Charles' office and Sarah had a target on his back as she watched him walk up, alive, and getting to enjoy another day at being a doctor; still allowed to treat patients.
"I'm going to report him, at the very least he shouldn't get to have privileges here," Sarah grumbled glaring at him.
"Whoa there med student, I'm sure he did what he thought was the right thing to do at the time," Will said coming up behind her.
"What?-like you did with Jennifer Baker?" Sarah snapped back.
"Excuse me?" Will said his brow furrowed looking at Sarah.
"No, excuse me," Sarah said walking away in a huff.
Ethan was not far away from them watching the entire ordeal as Will turned to follow her and correct her behavior. His eyes met with Ethan's as Ethan quickly shook his head and put his hand up to let Will know that he would "handle it." He swiftly walked up behind Sarah and asked to speak to her; pulling her into the medical supply closet.
"Ethan?" Sarah asked.
He had that stone look on his face before he replied.
"What's going on with you? You seem to be on some kind of warpath, is this about pathology?-" Ethan started.
Sarah rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh, "Its trauma Ethan, fast paced and precise, right?" she answered glibly.
Ethan narrowed his eyes.
"That man had a chance at keeping his arm! His life! But that doctor missed it and somehow I'm the bad guy, Dr. Rhodes saw it, I saw it, so I did what I needed to do!" Sarah said as she began to advance forward but Ethan grabbed her arm
"You should tread lightly when you are talking to your superiors Reese. Try using some respect," he said incensed.
"Oh don't start with that solider crap you know I was right!" she hissed.
"Don't you dare talk about my service like that. This is about integrity, respect, and following some kind of order that doesn't bash a seasoned doctor. It's not a med students place to handle him or Dr. Halstead," Ethan said snapping back.
"Right Ethan, the heroes of the ED," Sarah answered flatly.
"We all try our best Reese, mistakes happen, but I'm going to tell you this, we "heroes" in this ED are not going to pay for your mistake," Ethan said shaking his head.
Sarah felt like the wind had been knocked out of her and he could see it in her eyes too.
"My mistake?" Sarah said slightly confused.
"You need to figure out this match mess before you have more than one to clean up," Ethan said softening his tone but his eyes were still perturbed.
"What? Are you my mess now too? Are you breaking up with me? Oh that's right we aren't actually anything," she sneered.
"I thought we agreed to not bring our personal relationship here," he said a frustration growing in his tone escalating to anger.
"Would it be so bad? Huh Ethan? What's so wrong with me that you decided that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't even be your girlfriend?!" she yelled.
He clenched his jaw unable to keep his contempt for the spiraling situation to himself.
"I'm not talking about this here," Ethan said looking angry but somewhat defeated, "This was a terrible idea, you can't handle this; you can't handle anything." He said scoffing, and began walking out of the closet.
"DON'T!" she yelled, "Don't treat me like I'm the one that can't handle this, you're the one ALWAYS running! Tell me Ethan, what keeps you up at night? HUH?!" She yelled at his back.
The door swung shut as Ethan passed through it.
"Jesus Sarah what are you doing?! Why are you pushing Ethan away? She thought staring at the door. She let out a frustrated breath and went to check the flesh-eating-bacteria-patient's record. Just like she expected; he had died and they were already taking his body down to the morgue to perform the autopsy. They already knew the cause of death but the lab would want to grab samples from the deceased. Considering Sarah had all but alienated everyone in the ED it seemed like a good time to go down to the lab and meet Dr. Shore.
"Hey Sarah, I was hoping we would have seen you sooner after match day," Dr. Shore stated looking up from her microscope.
Sarah nodded ashamed; she didn't want to be here. She stood up and they walked to the hallway as Dr. Shore casually strolled up and then behind a rolling table; with a body bag upon it.
"I'd love to give you a tour of the entire lab," she said pushing the gurney into the double doors of the morgue.
Dr. Shore brought in the body and looked to an orderly named Mel. He was tagging toes but he stopped and looked up to give Sarah a smile, the macabre work seemingly not affecting him.
"This guy came in this morning, we don't have an I.D. yet," she said unzipping the bag and then handing Mel the paperwork.
Sarah stood there watching the process taking it in and trying her best to pretend that the entire ordeal wasn't boring until Mel moved away from the body and she was staring at the John Doe, but it wasn't a John Doe because John Does have no names, no identities, and that body had a name.
"Sarah? Did you hear me? I wanted to take you up to the lab next," Nina said.
Sarah couldn't hear anything and soon no one else could either as the blood curdling screams filled the quiet morgue and then the hall. Because on that cold slab, in that black body bag, covered in grey, blue, and yellow bruises; lay Danny's lifeless cold body.
…
The moments in between were a blur of questions; people racing around her asking if she was alright. The only voice that broke through was Jason's but he was crying too and they were clenched in embrace in the hall. This was her final day in the ED; this. She and Wheeler left and instead of dinner they sat at Molly's. Sarah had a glass of water in front her, untouched but Wheeler had been pounding shots. Finally coming out of her shock, Sarah sat looking at the table, assessing empty glass after glass in front of a silent Wheeler. He was in an identical place the same one that she was in but he was not snapping out of it.
"Maybe, you should slow down," Sarah said her words not penetrating through either of their grief.
He looked over in that dead serious look he always gave her but there was no humor is his glassy eyes, just contempt and emptiness.
"God Sarah, you make me sound like an alcoholic," he said as he grabbed one of the full shot glasses and sank it to the back of his throat, "I'm young and it's only a couple of drinks," he remarked but is words were laced with venom.
"Like this morning? I could smell it on you before you got into work Jason," Sarah said but with her voice lowered.
He just rolled his eyes at her; pursing his lips in disapproval at her judgment.
"Figure out your own mess before trying to figure out mine." Jason said getting up and drinking the rest of his drink.
"I just want to help," Sarah said apologetically.
"Like you helped Danny?" he hissed shaking his head and walking away from the table.
That was the final straw. Sarah sat there for a moment trying to recover from the verbal gut-punch but she needed to be alone. Not in full view of Molly's patrons; watching her fall apart. She got up and paid for her drink and went to the bus stop. The last day of her ED had turned into a day from hell, she had managed to anger everyone she cared about or respected and she found out Danny was dead.
Each confrontation or revelation had been a stone. The last, being Danny's death, added to the guilt stone as it wrapped around her proverbial ankle; dragging her to the depths of her pain; a flowing river filled with toil and tears. Holding it in was no longer an option as she sobbed into her pillow, now curled up in bed.
Nothing could break through this grief until there was a pounding at her door. Sarah didn't bother looking through the peep hole; her eyes were blurry and puffy from crying. When she opened it there stood one of the last people she expected to see; Ethan.
"What are you doing here?" Sarah said sniffling and looking away from his gaze.
Ethan's heart broke seeing her like that, "I can hear you crying from in my bedroom," he said exhaling.
"I'm sorry, I'll try and keep it down," she said with a whimper as she went to close the door but Ethan placed his hand on it stopping it.
"Sarah, I didn't come down here to tell you to keep it down," he said the concern flooding his eyes, "I heard about Danny, I wanted to see if you were okay," he said.
Sarah wiped away a burgeoning tear coming down her eye.
"I didn't think I would matter much to you after how I acted today," she answered ashamed, but letting him into her apartment.
"It matters because you matter…to me," he started, "What you saw today can be haunting, I know because I've seen it too and I know how it sears into the mind, it's what keeps me up at night."
They had walked into Sarah's living room and were now sitting on her couch. Sarah had her knees tucked into her chest. She felt ashamed again at his confession, she felt like she forced it out of him.
"And I was wrong, you're not like me, you're stronger. You can handle it," Ethan said using his hand to brush the side of her curls from her face.
"I don't know, maybe you were right, I'm really sorry about today," she said sniffling.
"Yeah," he said with a shrug, "I don't know either, but I don't want to keep going back and forth with it," Ethan said with an exhausted exhale, "Maybe we should just go back to our original game." He admitted.
Sarah looked up confused as she furrowed her brow at him.
"The one where I get to hear you have sex with other women?" she seethed through her red eyes.
He smiled and shook his head no as he pulled his cell phone from his back pocket. He tapped a couple of buttons and then turned the phone to show her.
"Who knew you were the source of company for me during my insomnia and also the solution for it."
He held up his phone to show their ongoing game, "Your move," he said with a smile.
She saw the game and the name SawBoat312. She smiled through her tears as her eyes widened at the revelation, she moved over to him to give him a kiss as she wrapped her arms around him. She could have stayed in that hug forever, its protective field a place where she could forget the events of the day.
She curled up against him, his head resting atop hers as the field of iris and amber welcomed her home and eventually to sleep.
