Level 2, part 4.

Innkeeper: Welcome to Snowed Inn, Snowdin's first (and only) choice for tourists passing through! Unfortunately, there are no available rooms at the moment, as both are currently occupied by slumbering guests. Maybe you should come back later? You are perfectly welcome to stay any other time, as long as you have 80G to spare.

Innkeeper: What's that? You wish to hear about the other guests?

Innkeeper: Well, ok then. That loud, buzzing sound you hear upstairs and to the right happens to be the snoring of a small family. Nobody is completely sure what their deal is. They like to stay here from time to time. They're noisy sleepers, but otherwise harmless.

Innkeeper: The OTHER guest, on the other hand, is rather interesting. He was carried into the inn by a concerned bystander who found him sleeping outside.

Innkeeper: Outside? Whoever heard of someone sleeping outside in the middle of Snowdin! He doesn't even have any fur, the poor dear. But, outside was where he was found, fast asleep and covered in snow. The concerned bystander paid for his stay and left.

Innkeeper: Curious.

Innkeeper: Oh! Here he comes now! Shoo shoo! And pretend we weren't just talking about him.

Innkeeper: In fact, maybe we should be him?

Reader – Be John.

You, the reader, be John, and I, the narrator, resume the narrative that sweet, kindly bunny lady was doing a stellar job of handling. You, John, and you, the reader, wish we could just get on with the story already.

You are now John, and you find yourself baffled by the ridiculous conversation going on in your own head. But, you are more confused, and a little concerned, about your current whereabouts.

What is this place? The last you remember is passing out in the snow. Speaking of, you find your injuries are healed, well above your maximum HP. You didn't even know that was possible.

As you descend the staircase, you try to remember the dream you were just having. It was an odd dream, and made very little sense. What a strange accent that guy spoke in.

Innkeeper: Oh, up so soon?

Innkeeper: You look like you had a refreshing night's sleep.

John: oh holy crap, you're a talking bunny.

Baby bunny: Mom, what's a holy crap?

Innkeeper: Please don't swear, dear.

John: omg you are a tiny bunny, just like the one nic cage gave to his daughter casey in las vegas.

John: so fucking- i mean, so cute!

John: i thought you were like a plush bunny or something.

John: now that i think about it, that would have made you more like the bunny nic cage gave to casey, on account of that bunny not being able to talk, and not being an actual alive bunny.

Innkeeper: Um...

Innkeeper: We are not programmed to know how to respond to that.

John: oh.

John: well...

John: um...

John: what is this place?

John: some kind of hotel?

Innkeeper: Yes! This is Snowed inn...I would welcome you, but you've been here for some time.

John: really? how long?

Innkeeper: Yep. You were sleeping for about sixteen hours.

John: shit. my lusus is going to be so pissed.

John: er...mad.

Innkeeper: Your lusus?

John: yeah like

John: the adult male they assigned to raising me when i was born.

Innkeeper: Oh. You mean your father?

John: i dunno.

John: i guess he would have been in the past sorta?

John: maybe.

John: but i really should get going.

John: how many gold is it?

Innkeeper: Oh. Don't worry. A concerned bystander covered your bill.

John: they did?

John: do you know who it was? i should probably pay them back.

Innkeeper: It was one of the skeleton brothers.

Innkeeper: The short one, who tells the most amusing puns.

John: oh

John: great...

John: well.

John: see you!

Innkeeper: Goodbye. Remember to stop by again soon, ok?

John: ok, i probably won't do that, but alright, later.

You exit the inn, and instinctively make a beeline for the little yellow Determination dispenser. Although you have more than enough HP. It can't hurt to stock up on Determination, though. You feel as though something important will happen if you get enough. That will have to be pondered upon some other time, however, because the building next door to the inn has caught your eye. It is a shop. Maybe you could also stock up on healing items – you mean food.

John – enter shop.

Shopkeeper: Hello there traveler!

Shopkeeper: Well, don't you look exotic. Would you care to browse our shelves?

You take a look around at the items for sale, and marvel at their strangeness:

BISICLE. CINNAMON BUNNY. CLEVER DISGUISE.

You stock up on all the goods. All of them, and buy yourself a clever disguise while you're at it. This way, no monsters will be tempted to fight you. You don the ridiculous glasses, mustache, hat and pipe, and leave the shop feeling especially proud of yourself. Not even the Great Papyrus himself will see through this clever ruse!

Snowdin, you find, is a quaint little village, and everyone seems especially friendly. Perhaps because they cannot tell you are a human. A large, decorated tree stands in the middle of the village. Beneath it are many boxes wrapped in colourful paper and ribbons.

Oh! You've heard of this before! It's called a...a...

Blast! The name escapes you.

Some monsters are gathered around the tree, or so you thought. On closer inspection, you find they are gathered around a small man draped in colourful bed sheets, and wearing an oversized red hat with a white pom pom on the end. A formal looking black sash across his chest reads: Mayor, and instead of skin, or fur, his body is covered in a hard, shiny black shell.

He is absolutely fucking adorable!

Oh! Oh look! He is building a little fort with the colourful boxes! Aww!

All the monsters seem in agreement with you. A small, armless monster in a striped sweater in particular, seems rather taken by the adorable little guy.

John: who is this guy?

Monster Kid: Woah. You're kidding, right?

Monster Kid: That's the Mayor.

Monster Kid: Everyone knows the Mayor!

Monster Kid: The Mayor is great!

John: so he is the guy in charge down here?

John: i wonder if he knows all his citizens are so racist.

Monster Kid: WOAH!

John: what?

Monster Kid: You.

John: me.

Monster Kid: You're a kid, aren't you?

John: um yeah, i dunno. probably not any more. today happens to be my birthday.

Monster Kid: Haha! You can't fool me. That striped sweater.

Monster Kid: That means you're a kid, for sure.

John: yes.

John: the clothing i choose to wear – or in this case am made to wear by an overbearing, cake obsessed lusus – is more an indication of the stage of life i am presently experiencing, than my actual age.

John: good observation numbnuts.

Monster Kid: Haha!

Monster Kid: You're funny. We should be friends.

John: yeah, we'll see. which way is out of town?

Monster Kid: Oh! Are you going to see Undyne?!

John: yes

John: yes i am.

Monster Kid: Cool!

Monster Kid: It's that way.

John: thank you

Monster Kid: See you later, then!

You make your way to the edge of town, past a tavern, and a librarby, and some houses. Jebus is it fucking cold. If you weren't wearing your sweater right now, you and your adorable little blue heart soul would certainly be reduced to icicles.

Papyrus: HALT, TRAVELER!

John: dammit

Papyrus: YOU MAY NOT PROCEED.

Papyrus: THE WAY AHEAD IS RIFE WITH DANGER, THE LIKES NOT EVEN MY MOST EXTRAVAGANT PUZZLES COULD EVEN DARE TO DREAM OF!

Papyrus: IF YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE SNOWDIN AT THIS TIME, I AM AFRAID YOU WILL BE SWEPT AWAY BY THE RIVER TEMS, WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE CROPPED UP OVER NIGHT.

John: river what now?

Papyrus: IT WOULD SEEM THE TEMMIE VILLAGE HAS BREACHED ITS BORDERS UPON THE EXCITEMENT CAUSED BY THE SUDDEN AND UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL OF A HUMAN INTO OUR MIDST.

Papyrus: AFTER I LOST SIGHT OF THE HUMAN YESTERDAY, DUE TO A RARE LAPSE IN MY USUAL GREATNESS, HE WAS EXPECTED TO ARRIVE IN THEIR TERRITORY.

Papyrus: WHEN HE DID NOT, THEY PILED OUT OF THEIR VILLAGE BY THE HUNDREDS AND FLOODED WATERFALL!

Papyrus: I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT UNDYNE, AND I MUST SAY, I WOULD BE WORRIED, IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE IS NIGH INDESTRUCTIBLE.

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

John: wow

John: none of that even kinda made sense.

John: do you have any idea where that handsome human may have got to?

Papyrus: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.

Papyrus: WHICH IS PUZZLING TO SAY THE LEAST.

Papyrus: AND SANS IS NO HELP AT ALL! HE'S ACTING EVEN LAZIER THAN USUAL!

Papyrus: NICE GLASSES, BY THE WAY.

John: (hehehehehe)

Papyrus: WHERE WERE YOU HEADING IN SUCH A HURRY?

John: i was going to see undyne.

Papyrus: OH!

Papyrus: INTERESTED IN JOINING THE ROYAL GUARD, TOO, ARE YOU?

John: yeah, sure.

Papyrus: THEN WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS!

Papyrus: COME! I WILL TAKE YOU UNDER MY WING AS MY DISCIPLE IN LEARNING. UNDYNE WILL BE SO PLEASED! ANOTHER YOUNG PROTÉGÉ THE ART OF HUMAN HUNTING!

John: why are you touching me?

Papyrus: OF COURSE.

Papyrus: YOU CANNOT HOPE TO BE AS STRONG, OR SUCCESSFUL, OR HANDSOME AS I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

John: aren't you like, not actually a member of the royal guard yet?

Papyrus: BUT WITH THAT DASHING MUSTACHE, AND ELEGANT PIPE, YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY!

John: where are we going?

Papyrus: ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO YOUR NEW FRIENDS AND RIVALS!

Papyrus: THEY USUALLY HANG OUT IN THAT GREASE TRAP, GRILLBYS.

Papyrus: I USUALLY STAY AWAY FROM THAT PLACE, BUT, FOR YOU, I WILL PUT ASIDE MY GRIEVANCES.

John: i can't tell if that was a response to my question, or if you were going to say that next anyway.

Papyrus guides you into the tavern you passed earlier, visibly disgusted by the atmosphere. This is no place for the highly distinguished skeleton! But, alas, this is where the actual members of the Royal Guard hang out, when they are not busy beating the shit out of unsuspecting humans.

The tavern is filled with the chattering of monsters at various stages of inebriation. Papyrus makes a beeline for the table of dogs. The same dogs you met yesterday. Thank heavens for your brilliant disguise! They will never suspect you are the cunning little human who slipped through their paws! Nyeh heh heh heh-

Dogaressa: Papyrus, what are you doing with the human?

Oh son of a fuck!

Papyrus: THE HUMAN?! WHERE?

Dogaressa: Right there, behind you.

Papyrus: BUT, THE ONLY ONE STANDING BEHIND ME IS THIS DASHING, MUSTACHED FELLOW.

Papyrus: THE HUMAN DOESN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE.

Papyrus: AND HE ONLY WEARS ONE PAIR OF GLASSES. THIS GUY RIGHT HERE IS WEARING TWO.

Dogaressa: That is clearly the human wearing a terrible disguise!

Dogaressa: Dogamy dear, tell him!

Dogamy: Hmm...

Dogamy: Did the human have a pipe?

Dogaressa: Are you kidding me?

Dogaressa: Are you being for real right now?

Dogaressa: Use. Your. Nose!

Dogamy: Oh sure, he SMELLS suspicious, but look at that hat!

Dogaressa: ...

Dogaressa: Doggo?

Doggo: How should I know? I can't see him.

Dogaressa: Ok, fair point.

Dogaressa: Lesser- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Dogaressa: ARE YOU LETTING HIM PET YOU?

Lesserdog: :P

John: good dog. best friend!

The more you pet Lesserdog, the more excited he becomes. The big guy bounds towards you as well and begins roughly demanding attention. The petting won't stop! You are fuck deep in fluffy heaven and you do not intend to stop any time soon.

As you pet, Greater Dog becomes more boisterous. He wants to play, damnit! But there is no room for fetch in here. You'll have to go outside. Lesserdog also demands a more spacious area. His neck has begun to extend.

You also should probably get away from Dogaressa before she blows your cover.

While you get up to leave, however, Greater Dog becomes impatient and paws clumsily at your face, knocking off your clever disguise.

Papyrus: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE HUMAN!

John: aw shit.

Dogaressa: Oh my. Would you look at that. It's the human. Whoever would have guessed?

John – Abscond!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

You scamper out of the tavern as fast as you can. Your legs still ache from your long run yesterday. This is the worst possible situation you could possibly be in right now! You barely make it past the decorated tree before the strife menu springs to life and your dear sweet precious, sweet sweet adorable blue heart soul is on display for all to attack.

There are so many monsters crammed into the menu, you are sure that just one attack will completely fill the box to the brim with 'friendliness' pellets. You are so boned! And Goddamnit no, that was not a pun!

Dogaressa: Ow! Papyrus, you're on my foot!

Papyrus: DOGGO IS ELBOWING ME IN THE RIBS!

Dogamy: Can you move over? I can't double attack with my wife from here.

Greater Dog: Bark! Bark!

Lesserdog: XP

Papyrus: ALLOW ME TO TAKE ON THE HUMAN, ALONE.

Papyrus: I WILL PROVE TO UNDYNE THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS CAN – OW! MY CHEEK BONE!

Sans: heya guys. what's going on in here?

Papyrus: SANS! GET OUT OF THE STRIFE MENU!

Papyrus: IT IS CROWDED ENOUGH AS IT IS!

Sans: huh.

Sans: why does the strife menu actually exist on this plane of reality, anyway?

Papyrus: WHAT?

Sans: like, why don't you just attack the human?

John: hey! i thought you were on my side!

Sans: sorry kid. guess we're all stuck in a marrow situation.

John: marrow?

Sans: narrow. i kinda used a lot of my good ones yesterday.

John: ...

Doggo: Why is it that all I can see is Greater Dog's great buttocks waving back and forth in front of my face?

Ok, now this is getting fucking ridiculous! If this menu gets any more crowded, someone will be ejected straight the fuck out of it and into the decorated tree! Hopefully that won't happen. It would seriously inconvenience the adorable little Mayor.

Predictably, that little armless monster curiously wanders into the bustling crowd.

Monster Kid: Woah, hey. What's going on?

Greater Dog is propelled straight out of the menu and into the tree, making a tremendous mess.

God. DAMNIT!

Decorations clatter to the ground, and the large pile of colourfully wrapped boxes begins to sway.

Shit! Mayor, watch out!

The Mayor is about to be crushed by a mountain of boxes!

You leap to the rescue, pushing him out of the way just in time. One of the boxes bonks you on the head, and you lose one HP. But you don't really care. You still have nine more than the maximum.

Oh, son of a bitch! The rest of the boxes quickly dissolve your health boost. Now, if you want extra HP, you're going to have to fork out money to sleep at the inn.

Oh well. At least the Mayor is safe. Dear sweet precious Mayor. The monsters behind you seem to have deactivated the troublesome strife menu, and returned your little blue heart soul to its rightful place.

It looks like the Mayor wants something. Hm? What's that? He has a gift for you. It is a can of some sort. You are not sure what mystery food the can contains, as the label has been peeled off, but you thank him awkwardly anyway. And during this adorable exchange, the other inhabitants of Snowdin gather around, but no one seems to want to attack you. Not even the Royal Guard. On the contrary. Gratitude is in order!

You saved the Mayor, and Snowdin is eternally grateful. You may have just broken the record for sparing an entire town in one go. Go you!

End of level 2, part 4.